just watched my year review here on Tumblr
could not have been more sad about it.
I have made so much progress in therapy this year. This summer, I was in the best place, mentally, I've been in for maybe as long as I can remember. But still, the point where I am at today, seems to be way under that of this summer, and I can't help but wonder what happened. Why I let this happen. Why I did this to myself. It's sad to see, heartbreaking even.
Anorexiia is such a vicious disease. Even when all else seemed to have fallen into place, when I thought I finally had regained controle over my life, this took over again.
It's an impossible battle, and yet we still have to fight it every single day. Just yesterday I talked to my therapist, and he started crying when I told him about all this. He told me that my restrictive behavior, mixed together with my OCD, was some of the worst he'd seen. And I thought this would make me feel good; it was all I ever wanted to hear since all of this started. For someone to tell me I was sick. For someone to tell me we'd make it better. Maybe even for someone to tell me it was so bad it couldn't be fixed anymore.
Yet, when I heard what I wanted to hear, it was one of the saddest moments in my entire life. It was, sadly, only then that I realized that that wish I had, that longing for the confirmation of my misery, was one of the most ridiculous wishes I had ever had. It made me feel so much worse, to hear that I really fucked up. All this time I spent pushing myself further and further into this fcked up mindset, was time I could've spent working on getting better.
So, if you're going to take anything with you from this post, let it be this: speaking from experience, it's simply not worth it. I know that urge, to want to get worse, to have people see you get worse and comment on it, because it confirms how you feel. Please believe me when I say that when someone does so, it might only make u feel worse. And of course, what I just described is only a small part of what happens when we spiral down again, but I do believe it's an experience a lot of us share.
So please, take my advice, or don't, either might not make a difference. But it also might.
What I am going to take away from this? That even though I spent a lot of time fucking things up for myself, I want to make the decision to spend the coming time to make it better again. To take a few steps closer to being in a stable place for a long time. Cause, thank God for also being able to speak from experience on this, that is worth it.
Sincerely, T.
