M. N. Lowery

[mnlowery]

Do Not Enter

I am not oblivious

I can feel you

Roaming and wallowing

Dancing around my soul

Splitting my oceans of sorrow

Lighting fires from my ashes

Opening my cursed chests

Trying to enter

Poking me to see if I'm

Still whole.

-

But I do not want to

Let you in

Entirely

I am scared of what you

Might find

And you should be too

Because it won't be my

Scarred heart

Wanting to be touched

For one more time

On the contrary

You'll just find

Heavy

Exhausted

Drunk mind.

— M. N. Lowery

[mnlowery]

I do not wish to be

I dream of silence

But am drawn to talk to you.

I dream of solitude

But wish your attention.

I dream of escaping you

But crave your company.

I want you and

I do not want you.

Let me down.

Disappoint me.

Set me free.

I do not wish to be

The ghost of my past.

A man wanting something

In the end he never gets.

I do not wish to be

Filled

Then emptied.

I do not wish to be

Stuck speaking with

My demons every night.

I do not wish to be

Hurt.

– M. N. Lowery

[mnlowery]

I'm really sorry, but I feel like I should share this. Today afternoon I ran into couple of old friends from elementary school and they told me that the kid that I used to sit with took his life four days ago. I was crushed, immediately. I still can't realise the gravity of his action. But as I was leaving, stunned, they started calling him a fool and an idiot due to his action. This kid was kicked around all of his life. He rarely brushed his teeth, didn't dress well, didn't like to study because he was severely dyslexic. But he was the nicest kid I've ever met. Kids in that school always picked on him and even though I was one of his few friends in that classroom, sometimes even I turned on him. I was just a stupid kid. And that's something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. He never, I mean never, showed that anything ever got to him. But I knew better... He wanted to fit in, but the whole class didn't think he was worth anything. And what crushes me the most is that they still think that 10 years later. He always liked talking about cars and bikes. We used to spend hours playing Need for Speed in library. But after elementary school, we got in different schools, drifted apart. In high school he got his licence, started driving, working around cars and bikes. He seemed happy last time I saw him 2 years ago. And now I can't sleep. I can't stop going over everything. I thought he finally found a place where he belonged, found people that are passionate about the same things as he is, found a friend. Now I can't stop thinking maybe he needed one more, maybe he would still be with us... Tomorrow is his funeral... I still can't believe it. I just wanted you all to know we haven't lost a fool nor an idiot. We've lost a good person. And that should matter the most. And people should know that...

[mnlowery]

Nightly Estrangement

There’s a street

In my town

With no lights

Dozens of people

Walking by

In haunting silence

No greetings nor goodbyes

No faces nor minds

Eyes useful only to those

Wise enough to look

Up

And all the rest only to show:

Behold — 

The beauty of death

And

The travesty of life.

— M. N. Lowery

[mnlowery]

The Stray Dog

There was a dog

Old and deserted

That nowhere

Belonged.

The dog

Approached

A sick man

And

The sick man

Moved away

Seeing the state

In which was

That dog.

The dog

Approached

A lonely man

And

The lonely man

Pushed him away,

Didn't want the

Company of

That dog.

The dog

Approached

A hurt man

And

The hurt man

Couldn't stand to

Imagine the

Pain of

That dog.

He was about to die,

To give up on

Friendship and love

When he

Ran into an

Uncorrupted heart.

The dog looked up

Lights sparked in

His black mild eyes

The moment he saw

That child.

— M. N. Lowery

[mnlowery]

Before I saw you,

I felt nothing.

Like a rock at the

Bottom of the ocean

As far away from the

Sun possible.

I dreamt nothing.

Looked at the

Darkest night

Just hearing a voice

That I hoped was

My mind.

I was nothing.

—

But when I saw you,

I felt something.

A lightning bolt

Pierce through

My thick abyss.

I dreamt something.

Us walking with red

Sea of leaves at our

Feet playing our tunes

Till we get tired of

Dancing.

I was something.

—

And after

I stopped seeing you,

I felt everything.

And beyond.

Over and over again.

Died and returned.

A thousand times for

A thousand nights.

I dreamt everything.

Keeping my eyes closed

Trying to catch it,

To capture it,

With tears flowing

Down my face

And just like that —

It's gone.

Everything...

But then

I was nothing

Again.

— M. N. Lowery

[mnlowery]

The Mask of Sanity

When I was

Eighteen

I had a

Summer job

Waiting tables

Alongside

Bathroom drug addicts,

Lunchbreak alcoholics,

Payday gamblers,

Degenerate animal abusers,

Lying and cheating bosses.

I hated every

Second of it,

But there was

This one girl with a

Locked heart

Colder than a

December night

I saw regret often

In her eyes

Too many bad hands

Dealt in her short life.

I was so young

I couldn't comprehend

How can I stay sane

In this wretched pit of

Madmen.

When my last day came

The girl finally snapped

And when I saw her cry

Something broke inside

"Do not speak lies",

She said,

"You are one of us now,

I just see it in your eyes."

I was shocked

I've never seen such tears

In my life

She must've

Known we won't meet

Again for a long time,

So she said

"I don't know what

Ahead of you lies,

Wear your mask well,

You're a madman now,

So choose carefully

In front of whom you will rid

Yourself of your disguise."

We hugged for awhile

And I left it all behind,

Took all my belongings with me

From that cursed place of

Insanity except one

Particular item,

I just didn't want it,

The notorious

Mask of

Sanity.

— M. N. Lowery

[mnlowery]

The Only Eyes

They were brown

To those who

Couldn't care to

See

Deep enough.

They were innocent

To those who

Didn't look hard enough

To see the sharp edges

Of her mind in her

Pupils.

They were hidden

In the night

Unseen by most

Dancing under

The starry galaxies

Of her brown universe.

They were so pure

They could banish

My demons with

Just a look.

They were so heavy

You could feel the

Weight of them watching

At the side of

Your head

And how forcefully

They would drop

Out of shame if

You caught

Them watching.

They were...

The only eyes

I've seen as such

And now

I hope

That one day

They'll see

Again

The mirror of

Their beauty

In mine.

— M. N. Lowery

[mnlowery]

Why am I?

Forgive me

For being lonesome,

My friends,

Perhaps I'm selfish

But I think that

I'm a better person

When I'm alone

Even though

It doesn't always

Feel like it.

When I'm alone

I feel the good,

The uncorrupted,

Parts of me

Take control

To try and make a

Better person

Out of me

Than that

Socially twisted

Version of me —

The version that

Hurt others and

Himself

That broke others and

Himself

That said things which

Should never be

Heard and said

Ever again.

But then

We meet again,

My friends,

And I hear

How you missed me

You show me love

I don't feel like

I deserve

Talk to me about

Holes

That I've left in you

Due to our

Seperation

And it just

Breaks my heart

So much

I just want to be

Alone again.

— M. N. Lowery

[mnlowery]

Unrecognizable

And I laugh

And make others laugh

And we all laugh together

In our little parts of

What seems to be

Heaven.

They look at me

And think

I am so happy

I can

Make rainbows

Without rain

So charming

I can

Make myself laugh

When I feel sad.

But they do not know

That I feel awful

Beyond all.

That I feel so deeply

When I'm alone

With my thoughts.

That there are such

Things that are not

Worthy of letting go

No matter

The pain

The hurt

The sacrifice

They mean so much

That without them

I am not the person you

Love and hate.

And of course

They do not know.

They do not know me.

Because

For there to be rainbows

There has to be rain.

For there to be light

There has to be darkness.

And for there to master the

Gift of laughter

You need to get to know the

Gift of loneliness.

— M. N. Lowery

[mnlowery]

The River called Life

Trying to keep

Your head

Above the

Water

You're unable

To swim up

The stream

No matter how

Much you

Miss the past

Wanting it back

So badly —

It's gone.

You just can't

Hold on to it

But once you

Decide

To let it go

And go with

The flow

You will realise

That the green

Leaves of grass

On sunny shores

You so long for

Are waiting for you

Down the road

Because your

Journey doesn't

End until

Your dying

Breath.

— M. N. Lowery

[mnlowery]

Unknown

Whether you want it or not, the cage made of mirrors surrounds your soul

People see what they want to see

Projections of their own eyes

Tricks of their own mind

Lust, desire, passion

They see themselves

Break the mirror and they will hate you for it

Because it will finally reveal what lies inside you

The terrifying

Unknown.

— M. N. Lowery

[mnlowery]

Them

My demons. I can't defeat them. I'm sorry — they are part of me now.

Living on the brink of suicide makes me more alive than thousand adrenaline rushes.

Gazing up at the stars from this pit of mine makes me sharper than the rest of the rubble squabbling just to see the ground.

The moon charms me with its wisdom then leaves to test my fidelity. The distance breaks us or makes us.

But, no matter — I am always alone. With or without you. Alone with them. Don't worry. They can't hurt me from the inside — because I can't feel them. Not anymore.

— M. N. Lowery

[mnlowery]

Alone With The Rain

The rain keeps

Washing up all the

Things that are thought

Too dirty and mundane to

Become this magical, this clear

But cannot wash me

Away — I'm still here

I still feel what I felt

The way your departure

Incureably aches

I still dream what I dreamt

The spark in your eyes

When you talked about

Captivating books and

Enchanting night walks

I still remember and

I still keep chasing

Memories like a rainbow

In the distance

Unreachable, untouchable

Painted in colors I hoped

We would name

Together.

—M. N. Lowery

[mnlowery]

Addicts of Acceptence

Relationships are strange

Some people are slaves to other

Some are both slaves to each other

Not living, not enjoying

Pure dependancy

No love, no connection

Tragic dependancy

Addicts of acceptence

Look at yourself

You are the best thing

You will ever possess

Don't sell, don't settle

Build and expand

Absolve and liberate

Rise and shine

It's time to wake up

Scared?

Of course you are

Otherwise

For change the time is

Already up.

—M. N. Lowery

[mnlowery]

Farewell

My path has diverged

As it always meant sadly

From you, my dear friends,

And until we meet again

I bid you farewell because

Till the day of my return

Arrives I shall not

Answer your calls

For I have decided to

Disappear completely

I beg of you — forgive me

But I must prepare entirely

My mind and will to the

Unyielding test of spending

My earnest days of

Sorrow and distress with

My oldest friend

With whom I cannot stop

Fighting tiresome battles

Made of thoughts and doubts

In depression filled ground

With yours truly,

— M. N. Lowery

[mnlowery]

Remember

if you have ability to do something that you do not see every day,

do it.

if you have ability to be someone unique, someone different,

do it.

if you have ability to make someone smile, no matter that invisible hole filled with sadness in your heart,

do it.

if you have ability to do something that means nothing to you, but everything to someone,

do it.

because that is what you were born to do.

(when you feel awful beyond imaginable)

because that is how you touch the lives of others.

(with tears in your eyes wishing it all to end)

maybe even save them.

(you remember this)

the rest is meaningless.

— M. N. Lowery