Yes alive ! Apologies for disappearing into a black hole for a few months, life got busy. Will probs not be posting anything soon but def will be reading other writers’ fics. Less SVT and more JJK tbh
hallo it’s been awhile since you’ve popped in and i just hope you’re doing well and taking care!! ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡ hope you enjoy the holidays and have a happy new year if i don’t catch u before then, lots of love sent your way :3
Hi sorry about dropping off the face of the planet, this is so late but thank you! I hope your 2026 has been going well, thank you ♥️
all longform oneshots about yoon jeonghan can be found here
• the final defense of the dying ( @studioeisa ) mentor!jeonghan x tribute!reader
jeonghan has escorted twelve tributes to their deaths. he will do everything in his power to make sure you don’t face the same fate.
— 13.1k words, [a/slight f/h]; my universes have collided thg x svt yes pls waiting patiently for the sequel currently
• run to you ( @hanniescookie ) lovers to strangers to lovers
there's someone behind jeonghan's blurred memories— someone whom he can't reach out for. he's running blindly on a foggy path, determined to fill the missing piece of you in his heart.
— 12k words, [a/f]; got my heart racing the entire time, such a beautiful read
click here to continue your journey~
• night d(r)ive ( @mochacoda ) friends to lovers
As a close friend of the most sought-after man on campus, you’d like to think that you know Jeonghan well enough to predict his thoughts on romance and his territoriality over ramen. (Spoiler: You don't.)
—5.8k words, [a/f/c]; your honor they have my heart, they yearn they pine they perish. i love them.
• merger & acquisition (of my heart) ( @mr-cha-n ) exes!jeonghan x reader; office au
Jeonghan thought navigating corporate mergers was hard—turns out, navigating corporate mergers with his ex is harder.
— 17.2k words, [a/f]; idk why im so obsessed w exes to lovers fics (myb cus im secretly wishing for my ex back lol) but this fic has my heart frl
• people like me ( @minniesfiles ) strangers to lovers to strangers
Jeonghan loved you. He loved you in a way that terrified him, in a way that made him selfish and silent and a coward.
— 3.2k words, [a]; yea bro i bawled my eyes out over a fic at my grown ahh age good freaking bye
• growing sideways ( @studioeisa ) coworkers!jeonghan x reader
yours, whether you like it or not,
— unavailable wordcount, [f,humour]; bro guess my fav author challenge 321 go. love the formatting of this fic, their banter is so witty haha
• on your way to love ( @kissbyoon ) frenemies to lovers, office!au
On your way to your new apartment, you would've never thought that your dreamy neighbour next door would be your department team leader. However, it didn't take long for him to become the reason for your headaches and bad days. But now, on your way to love, you find yourself seeking warmth in his presence. Worst of all, you think you are falling for him.
—30k words, [f/a/humour]; yoon jeonghan and his playful flirting i cannot. the slowburn SLOWBURNEDD but it was so worth it i love them.
all fics about chwe hansol (vernon) can be found here
• what is love ( @mochacoda ) friends to lovers
It’s been 2 days since you confessed to your best friend that you love him, and it’s been 2 days since you’ve talked to him. Now you're hiding in the bridal suite of your friend's wedding, avoiding him.
—6.4k words, [f/a/c]; i ws giggling reading this fic, it’s so vernon hahaha, they’re so cute i literally canttt
• slowly falling in love with your plug ( @vernonverse ) strangers to lovers; plug!vernon x reader;smau
—wordcount unavailable, [f]; man if vernon was my plug i would be orderin everyday (jokes) pls plug!vernon is the loml he's so chill and cool i'm literally in love the way he’s written in this fic OML my dream man.
click here to continue your journey~
• ghost ride ( @chocosvt ) strangers to lovers; drug dealer!vernon x reader;series
post-graduate, your life sucks especially hard. two jobs, a lazy roommate, and an imperceptible social life have dulled you to grey. nothing seems like it's going to change. until your roommate decides to let her plug crash at your place, and you're bribed into a strange adventure that challenges everything you thought you were.
—186k words, [f/a/s]; mature content ahead! i promise you this long series is worth the read, a fic that deserves to be published frl, can u tell i love drug dealer hansol hahaha
• goodnight n go ( @junkissed ) fwb to lovers
you keep coming back for more, but every night ends the same. maybe this time things will be different.
—10.2k words, [a/s]; mature content ahead! guitarist hansol + rockband!hhu?? yes pls oh my goodness i love this au so much, hansol lowk needed to get his shi tg but he did dw
all longform fics about hong jisoo (joshua) can be found here
•break ( @sailorsoons ) witch!joshua x cursed!reader
You’ve suffered your entire life after a single magical accident when you were thirteen. Joshua has been your biggest comfort and anchor, but he also becomes your deepest regret.
—18.2k words,[ a/f/s]; mature content ahead! oh my god im not tryna spoil anything but the plot twist in this story is insaneeee a must read for sure.
•amortentia ( @http-mianhae ) hufflepuff!joshua x slytherin!reader; hogwarts au
The first time they met was when she reached for a chocolate frog which he helped her reach and after that, they’ve been seeing each other everywhere. A story of how a Slytherin became undyingly soft for a Hufflepuff
— 16.7k words, [a/f]; this fic is so good you don’t understand i love the harry potter svt crossover, his crush on her is soo cute!! it’s a shame that there is no pt.2 as the author hasn’t been active in over two years but a good read all the same! pinky promise it’s still worth it.
click here to continue your journey~
•we both ( @studioeisa ) exes!joshua x reader
you're stuck in a car with a beautiful boy, your glorious history, and eight hours of road. what else is there to do but talk about the deepest of truths?
—12.3k words, [f/slight a]; one of the only fics that genuinely brought my to tears (frm someone who doesnt cry frm media consumption lol) so funny and kind of fluffy at the same time
• let me back in ( @jinxedmuse ) fwb except they’re not rly friends lol
reader and joshua are in a confusing relationship. a constant tug of war over who can get each other more in love, and more heart broken.
—word count unavailable, [a/f/c]; mature content ahead! characters are written extremely well, so angsty but the end gets me everytime i reread this haha
• too nice ( @mochacoda ) coworkers/neighbours to lovers
Joshua Hong is nice. Too nice. He’s the kind of nice that makes people think twice about their relationship to him, wondering if they might be special. The answer is, no. Problem is, he's your coworker and your neighbor.
—10k words, [f]; big fan of authors who use konglish esp. in joshua fics, it's so fitting haha, anyway joshua reallyy lives up to his gentleman nickname here, he's so perfect hello
• flaws and all ( @mvnscloud ) est. relationship
joshua isn’t just someone who stays with you when it rains, he’s the one who helps you plant a garden after.
—2.3k words, [h+c/slight a]; he's so understanding and gentle and the way he helps her through her trauma is so perfect he's like kind but firm and it's so kfhakhfdjanfk
Synopsis: As a close friend of the most sought-after man on campus, you’d like to think that you know Jeonghan well enough to predict his thoughts on romance and his territoriality over ramen. (Spoiler: You don't.)
Content: Angst, Fluff, Comfort | Friends to Lovers | College AU
Tags: short hair jeonghan, extreme pining, liking ramen as a plot device, crying, being losers for each other, insecure reader, lots of konglish w/ translations, overly indulgent kissing, no "y/n,” this is for everyone who voted jeonghan in the poll <3
Word Count: 5.8K
You‘d like to think that you know Yoon Jeonghan well. Surely, you do! Over the years, you‘ve come across—and committed to memory—dozens, if not hundreds, of his little oddities. You’ve witnessed his personality change with the length of his hair, and learned the hard way that cheating at card games is like second nature to him. At this point, you can recite more information about his pet rock than ramen, which is somewhat terrifying if you dwell on it for too long, considering that ramen is your favorite food.
But despite Jeonghan’s chaotic personality, you also know that he’s incredibly smart, having sat next to him in countless college lectures and trivia events.
Honestly, it can’t possibly be a stretch to say that you know the man too well, can't it? And at times, it feels a bit unfair that you can only reply, “oh, I know him,” when people fleetingly mention him in conversation. It hurts that you can’t clarify that you know him—that you can’t ramble on about how he made the stupidest joke to make you laugh when you were upset about your most recent midterm, or handmade you the sweetest present for your birthday, or let you choose your favorite film for movie night for the third time in a row—because no one wants to nor needs to hear about it.
But, unfortunately, that’s all you can think about these days.
Because, unfortunately, Yoon Jeonghan is simultaneously the funniest, weirdest, kindest, and most devastatingly handsome man you’ve ever met.
Yoon Jeonghan is the kind of guy who would drive 40 minutes out of his way just to pick you up, but also wouldn’t yield the last ramen at the local convenience store to you. Though he gives into his internal demands for petty possessiveness quite often, he cares deeply for his friends.
He’s also the kind of guy people are quick to fall for, only to get crushed by his nonchalant but somewhat firm indifference for dating. You’ve witnessed him casually turn down far too many objectively gorgeous and incredibly intelligent people, which has convinced you that his standards are impossibly high. And if you were honest with yourself, based on the people he’d already rejected, it would be laughable for you to even think about confessing to him.
And so, as a close friend of the most sought-after man on campus, you’d like to think you know Jeonghan well enough to predict his thoughts on romance and his territoriality over ramen.
In fact, you’re sure about the ramen issue, because you’re witnessing it happen right now.
You’re staring at his smirking face in the instant food aisle of the convenience store, both of you gripping the last Neoguri cup like it’s a trophy.
“You gotta learn patience,” Jeonghan tuts, his lips upturned infuriatingly at one corner.
“No, you should learn patience. 손 빼, [Take your hand off,]” you demand, grasping the cup tighter.
“싫은데? [Don’t wanna,]” he says in a sing-song voice, raising his chin in defiance.
The ramen cup creaks slightly under the pressure of your combined grip, and a terrible thought forms in your head. Your hand is sandwiched between his hand and the cup, making you feel the heat radiating from his body. It’s something you’re afraid you could get used to.
You narrow your eyes, targeting his ridiculous, perfect lazy smile. “Take it off while I’m being nice.”
“Nah,” he replies immediately, smiling wider, his tongue sliding to the right.
Your heart lurches at the sight.
“치사하게 진짜 이럴 거야? [You’re so petty, are you really going to be like this?]” You chew on your bottom lip, eyes flitting between his face and his hand.
Jeonghan tilts his head slightly, his dark eyes sharp and steady on yours. He’s not really looking at the ramen anymore, and the intensity of his gaze makes your cheeks feel like they’re on fire.
“내가 여기서 이 옷을 입고 있는데, [I’m wearing these clothes here,]” he says, using his free hand to pinch the fabric of the expensive suit he always wears at his internship. “굳이 라면 하나 때문에 나랑 싸운다고? 그냥 빨리 가자, 음? [You’re really gonna fight with me over just one ramen cup? Let’s just go now, hmm?]”
You press your lips together and jut your chin in defiance.
He sighs dramatically, shaking his head. His shaggy, dark hair flows with it, and you can’t help but think that he looks princely like this, standing in the middle of this convenience store with his stupidly gorgeous face, and that dumb suit and tie.
“양보해. [Give it up.] I’ll give you whatever you want,” he says, his voice dipping lower. It feels less like an offer and more like a taunt, a challenge. His tone sends a small shiver through you, and for a second, you’re not sure if he’s teasing or serious.
You have to take a slow, deep breath to calm yourself down before even considering what to say next. You’re grateful for the ride (and his company), of course, but that doesn’t mean he can steal your rightful claim under your nose, in the same casual manner he has when letting one of his fans down.
You’ve always given into him. Because he means everything to you, of course.
But you’ve had enough of letting him have his way so easily, not with your precious ramen at risk.
You boldly step closer to him, cutting the distance between the two of you in half. You’re close enough to see your reflection in his eyes, now.
“I’m not letting go, 하니 [Hannie].” You firmly shake your head. You wouldn’t let him win this time. “I don’t want anything but this,” you add, stubbornly.
Tugging hard, you try to pull the cup toward you, but it frustratingly remains stuck on the shelf between the two of you. Looking back up, you see that he isn’t even straining to keep the ramen in place! You frown, wondering when your best friend got so strong.
He leans in just a fraction closer. “Keep trying,” he murmurs, and he’s so close that you can feel his warm breath tickling your face.
The world narrows to Jeonghan, and the faint scent of the cologne he only wears on weekends. It’s dizzying.
“야아아! [Hey!] I was here first!” you weakly defend, voice embarrassingly squeaky.
And then Jeonghan does something that completely short-circuits your brain.
His free hand lifts and brushes your hair away to your back, before resting on the divot between your neck and collarbone, where his thumb caresses the side of your neck. Feather-light, his touch is gentle, and his fingers are impossibly warm, a stark contrast to this slightly chilly convenience store. You just about choke on your surprise, your heart kicking into overdrive at the sheer intimacy of the gesture.
God, how is it that you never get a rest day with Jeonghan? How is it that he’s always flirting, always disregarding the boundaries of platonic and romantic love, always making you confused? And how is it that you just let it happen, that you just take whatever affection he gives you? How is it that you’re drawn into his dangerous touch like a moth to a flame? Except that analogy doesn’t really work, because at least moths don’t know that they’re in danger when they reach fire—you know what you’re getting into, and you know all too well that Jeonghan will never be yours.
“Please?” he whispers.
Your breath hitches, suddenly aware that even for your overly-touchy friend, this level of skinship is extreme.
Does he know? Has he found out that you’re in love with him, that you’ve been keeping this ungodly secret from him for far too long? Does he know that every time he lets someone down, that every time he complains to you about people confessing and crying over him, you give him superficial laughs as you swallow your own feelings?
Does he know that you feel like sinking into the ground every time he entertains a random girl flirting with him, and that every time he crosses boundaries with you, it hammers in the fact that he thinks you’re a joke?
Does he know that you’ve spent over a year trying to convince yourself that you don’t have feelings for him, only to fail miserably, because there is no such thing as cutting Yoon Jeonghan out of your life, because he makes you feel so, so alive?
He must know. He must be making fun of you, now.
Your eyes widen, frantically searching his face for an ounce of malice. And you expect to see the look he always has when shredding the hearts of the brave people who confess to him, the face he makes when he casually tells someone that he doesn’t feel the same way. You expect to see an almost-cruel, blank stare paired with apologetic lips pressed together.
You expect him to crush your heart.
But instead, he’s staring at you with a gaze so, so, very soft, you wonder if you’ve hallucinated it. Shining eyes, raised eyebrows, mouth parted—he looks devastatingly beautiful.
You can’t even bring yourself to blink, afraid that it might disappear before you can commit it to memory.
Technically, he’s looked like this before—you’ve seen it a handful of times on movie nights when you leaned against his shoulder, sleepily rambling about the bad decisions the main character had made. You’ve always figured that it was just the face he made when he was running on eight percent battery, tired and only half-registering the words coming out of your mouth.
But now, seeing this version of Jeonghan out of its usual context, your heart stops.
Your grip slackens.
In an instant, Jeonghan takes advantage of your daze. He snatches the ramen, links his arm through yours, and drags you to the counter. Your feet stumble, but his hold on you is firm, keeping you stable throughout the entire sudden exchange. He sets a bill on the counter, and then you’re being ushered out of the convenience store.
The freezing cold bites at your cheeks as you stand in a haze of confusion by the passenger seat of Jeonghan’s car, unable to do anything but just watch as he starts the engine and unlocks the door. He stares at you through the window, waiting.
If you could move a muscle on your face, you’d furrow your brows, wondering what he’s waiting for. But you’re still frozen, and before you can really think about it, Jeonghan gets tired of waiting.
He gets out of the car and walks over to you, squeezing your shoulders as he shifts you a little to the left. Withdrawing one of his hands from your shoulders, he opens the door, and then maneuvers you inside, using the same hand to cover the top frame of the door. You bump your forehead slightly against it, and he buckles you into the passenger seat—all without a word.
When you blink owlishly at him, he just ruffles your hair and shuts the door carefully, then walks over to the driver’s side.
Dazed, you literally have nothing to say.
When Jeonghan gets back into the car, he looks over at you with an unreadable gaze, then reaches his hand over the console to you, this time holding an object out. Your eyes flicker downward, then shoot up at him immediately.
The ramen?
You squint at his outstretched hand, eyebrows furrowed in disbelief.
Jeonghan never yields.
“Take it,” he says simply, airily, as if his giving up was obvious all along.
You hesitate, finger lightly tracing the top of the cup.
“Come on,” he insists, his eyes still intensely trained on yours. “I… it was always yours.”
Your fingers close over the cup, brushing his hand. He exhales softly, the corners of his lips twitching.
Averting your eyes from him and his strange actions, you drop the ramen in your lap, then settle for staring outside the window at the night sky, finding it unbearable to look at him. Drumming your fingers against the border of the window, you get lost in thought. You’re not sure you can handle it if Jeonghan tries to flirt with you again. Every time he does it, it just hammers in the crushing idea that you’re nothing but a friend to him. That you’re just someone to practice on while he waits for the goddess of his dreams to appear, or something.
And then a strange thought occurs to you. A silly thought, really. When Jeonghan said that the ramen was always yours, he didn’t use the “ih” sound that the word “it” has. No, he used the pronoun “I” first, before correcting himself. A faint, pitiful smile makes its way to your lips as your heart pangs.
Just what would you give to hear him say “I was always yours” someday?
Oh, maybe everything.
────୨ৎ────
The gentle hum of the car engine fills the silence from the lack of conversation between the two of you. The moon and the stars are beautiful tonight, and you’re content with staring at them instead of the man driving the car. You prop your head up with your elbow against the window, closing your eyes with every lull of the engine. If Jeonghan ever looked over at you at a red light, you wouldn’t know, preoccupied with pretending to be asleep.
When you feel the car come to a complete stop, you’re still feigning sleep, but you can’t help but furrow your eyebrows slightly. Surely, 40 minutes haven’t already passed? It seems way too soon. Had you actually dozed off at some point between staring out the window and faking sleep?
You peek one eye open, only to startle at Jeonghan’s gaze trained on you already, immediately opening the other. He seems completely at ease, with one hand gripping the steering wheel and the other resting on the gear shift. He stretches his fingers, accentuating the veins on his forearms, and you have to avert your eyes for a moment.
“잘 잤니? [Sleep well?]” he asks casually.
You look back at him, and see a strand of his dark hair fall into his eyes. Fingers twitching, you fight the urge to brush it behind his ear.
You answer him with a nod and flush, wondering if he could tell you were acting the entire time. Hands itching for something to do, you fiddle with your seatbelt.
“야, 나 좀 보고 말해봐, 음? [Hey, can’t you look at me and talk, hmm?]”
You glance at Jeonghan out of the corner of your eye, then shy away again. He looks too good right now, too much like a doting boyfriend. You pick at a loose thread from the bottom hem of your shirt.
“자꾸 나를 안 보니까 섭섭하네. [You keep not looking at me, I’m sad.]”
You faintly laugh. In all your years of knowing the man, you’ve yet to see Yoon Jeonghan truly sad. He’s always, always composed. He never says anything without thinking about it first, and he doesn’t have to lift a single finger that he doesn’t want to, because he knows that people will jump just to fall at his feet. It’s funny that Jeonghan now just assumes that with a few pretty words, he’ll get his way.
But your resentment is growing. It started with the ramen, and built up with how he won at the end of the fight. And it peaked when he gloated under the guise of kindly yielding the cup to you, leaving you stranded in your confusion, leaving you to sort out your racing mind and heart. What’s worse is, he has a history of doing this to you. But you never learn. Because he also has a history of giving the best, warmest, longest hugs. And he tells you all the time that he wants to be with you forever, that even when you’re 80 and wrinkly, he’ll come over every day to sing duets using your karaoke machine. And he has a bad habit of staring into your eyes with so much adoration, that you mistake it for real love.
He has a history of making you think that his flirting might actually mean something real to him. But he never confesses any feelings, because they don’t exist, and you feel the pain of being used as romantic practice all the same.
You’ve tried to convince yourself to just accept his affections as platonic love, but it has become increasingly more difficult to ignore it. How can you, when you get a rush of serotonin from seeing how bright his smile is when he whispers an inside joke to you in the middle of your fatally boring math discussion? How can you, when Jeonghan insists on picking you up from work even though it’s a waste of time and gas for him to make the far drive here and back? Your heart has grown to accommodate, and even expect, the constant fluttering it feels in his presence.
So, to be exact, it’s not that you feel resentment toward him—it’s resentment for your lack of a backbone when it comes to all things Yoon Jeonghan. It happens all the time; you get mad at him, and the consequences last for all of five seconds before your will caves.
“근대, 안 섭섭하잖아, [You’re not sad, though],” you softly say, eyes now tracing the glow of the crescent moon.
Jeonghan shifts in his seat, questioning your words. ”What? Why would you say that?”
“아니야, [No,] forget it.” You sigh, eyes falling to your hands again. Picking at a hangnail, you inhale deeply.
“Why wouldn’t I be sad? I love talking to you.” He removes his hands from the wheel and gear shift, then reaches out for yours.
You flinch, and he freezes.
“Hey, did I… do something wrong?” His voice shakes, suddenly sounding strained. It’s the complete opposite of how he was just three seconds ago.
You swallow thickly. No, he didn’t do anything wrong. “아니, [No,] it’s my fault.”
He frowns. “What did I do? Please, tell me. I’m sorry, whatever it is, I can fix it, I promise.” He looks at you so earnestly, your heart sinks.
“그건 불가능해, 정한아. [That’s not possible, Jeonghan.]” The words come out slowly and breathily, as if it’s taken you half of your life force to say them. You stare out the window again, this time at the stars, and add, “We should really get back, now. Why’d you stop here, anyway?”
“I figured you didn’t eat yet,” he says carefully. “I thought you’d want to get Thai. When you’re hangry, you yell at the TV more, and I get complaints from my neighbors.”
You blink, turning your attention down to the stores lining the street rather than the night sky. Jeonghan really had driven to your favorite Thai restaurant. “Oh. I didn’t know I did that, sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he replies softly. “I never liked my neighbors anyway.”
Your eyes close, remembering when one of your classmates, who happened to be his neighbor, confessed to him. He had vented to you about friends needing to understand when not to cross lines. The memory makes you smile weakly again, acknowledging how strong you’ve been for managing not to confess so far.
Jeonghan continues, “But hey, your neighbors don’t like me, either. Remember when they banged on your door because we were singing too loud?”
You laugh this time, and it’s fleeting but it’s not forced. “언제 쯤 얘기야? [How long ago was that?] That was like two years ago.”
Jeonghan smiles. “You were wearing those teddy bear pajama pants, and I had my Cookie Monster pants on. They were like 70, and told us to stop being childish and grow up.”
“Maybe they had a point,” you say with a sigh, running a hand through your hair. “I didn’t know that you paid attention to those things,” you add offhandedly.
“Pay attention to what?”
“You know, just… the stuff I wear, the random shit I do,” you say, picking at your split ends.
Jeonghan’s wide eyes narrow, and you feel too hot under his intense gaze.
“Why wouldn’t I?” he asks, voice deep and tinged with something you can’t quite put a finger on. The question feels strangely charged. With what, you don’t know.
You gnaw on your lip.
“Answer me. Why shouldn’t I?”
“I don’t know,” you shrug, feeling put on the spot. “I’m just your friend. Shouldn’t you be spending your energy remembering weird stuff about a girlfriend? Like a serious romantic partner, or something?”
Jeonghan groans, running a hand through his hair, before it comes down on the console with a light thud. Your eyes widen at his unexpected physical display of emotion, taking in his clenched fists and heaving chest.
“하니? [Hannie?]” you say softly, concerned. He doesn’t normally resort to physical exertions when frustrated, probably because he doesn’t get frustrated very often at all.
Your hand reaches out to his right bicep, where you rub the muscle soothingly.
“Now you’re calling me 하니 [Hannie] again,” he says with a marginally more relieved, deep sigh.
You furrow your brows. “What?”
“Now you’re calling me 하니 [Hannie] again,” he repeats. “Please, don’t call me 정한 [Jeonghan]. Only 하니 [Hannie].”
“Okay?” you say tentatively, unsure where this is going.
“You know I love you, right?” he says suddenly, staring at his hands.
You blink rapidly. “Of course. I love you, too.” He’s your best friend, but you’re probably not his best friend.
Jeonghan jolts, looking at you directly in the eyes now. “You know I love you more, right?”
He looks a bit crazed like this, his frantic chocolate brown eyes searching deeply for something in your face. At a loss for words, you gape your mouth at him like a fish out of water.
“I’m not sure that’s possible,” you manage to say. “I bet I love you a lot more.”
The statement is accompanied by a rather self-deprecating laugh from you, the kind that digs deep into your heart even as you try your best to seem casual.
“No, no,” he says, reaching with his left hand to grasp the hand you’ve been patting his right bicep with. This time, you don’t pull away. “You don’t get it. I love you.”
What?
Your heartbeat begins to beat so loudly that the sound of it pumping overwhelms your thoughts. Your chest tightens, and you’re half-sure that you just hallucinated it.
“뭐라고? [What did you just say?]”
“사랑한다고, [That I love you,]” he chokes out, his voice thick with the one emotion you’ve been dreaming of him reciprocating.
You gasp.
“Please,” he whispers. “Please don’t be mad at me.”
Oh.
Crestfallen, your heart drops. You pull your hand away from him.
This must be his new way to get you to relieve your “anger.” He doesn’t actually love you romantically, he just wants you to go back to acting like you normally do. He’ll never feel the same way that you do, in the crushing way that drives you insane every day, in the way that—
“설마, 나를 지금 무시하는 거야? [No way, are you ignoring me right now?]” Jeonghan’s wounded gaze strikes you like lightning. “아니면, 나를 못 믿는거야? [Or, are you not believing me?]”
You open your mouth, but nothing comes out.
Is this real? A dream, maybe? The real Jeonghan would never say this. He would never, ever entertain the idea that you could ever be more than—
“내가 사랑한다고 했는데, 왜 아무 말이 없어? [I just said I love you, why won’t you say anything?]” Jeonghan’s voice quakes, and you’re taken aback by his pained, strained eyebrows and glittering eyes.
Jeonghan’s eyes well with tears. He swallows thickly, “나… 아니야? [Am I… not it for you?]”
Your breath catches. He’s crying. Yoon Jeonghan—Yoon Jeonghan is crying? You’ve never even seen him sad, let alone crying. He’s always been untouchable, effortless in the way he teases and flirts with you, so sure of himself. So nonchalant and casual with his affection, that you’d always thought he never truly meant anything by it. But here he is, raw and vulnerable in front of you, holding his heart out with both hands—eyes rimmed red, voice breaking, mouth trembling. All because of you?
He really means it, huh? The realization slams into you so hard you feel like you can’t breathe, let alone speak, your chest constricting like you’re having a heart attack. All those lingering touches, all these years. The way he’s always made you the center of his jokes, how he has the softest shifts in his voice when someone mentions your name—it wasn’t all a game to him? It was never just practice for someone else, for someone better?
It was love?
God, you had been so overwhelmed with self doubt and insecurity that you’d convinced yourself that you had no chance, all while he was giving you clues through his proud affections, every day.
The man in question looks at you like you’ve just shattered his fragile heart, tears fully trailing down to his chin, now.
Feeling like your entire body has been engulfed in flames, you reach a trembling hand out past the gear shift. It trembles despite yourself as your arm extends to caress his cheek, where you carefully rub his tears away.
Jeonghan shudders when your hand touches him, and he shuts his eyes. More tears fall.
“하니, [Hannie],” you breathe shallowly, still feeling an immense pressure in your chest. “Look at me.” When he doesn’t open his eyes, you swallow roughly. “하니, [Hannie], please?”
Stubbornly, Jeonghan keeps his eyes closed, and you shakily sigh. You want to tell him—no, you need to tell him that you love him with every fiber of your being, but you need to see his eyes to register whether he understands you. He needs to open those beautiful, brown eyes of his.
You’ve never told him that you love him in Korean before. Something about it always felt too intimate, while “I love you” in English felt less charged. But you think he needs to hear it now.
Withdrawing your hand from his cheek, you unbuckle your seatbelt at last. Finally freed, you shift your legs until you're sitting on the back of your calves, facing the stunning, devastated man in the driver’s seat.
“하니야, [Hannie],” you say softly, his name a prayer on your lips, your face coming near his.
You raise your hands up to tenderly brush the tears away from the soft tissue right under his eyes. Trembling, your right hand brushes a strand of hair out of his face, then rests on the back of his neck.
Heart threatening to jump out of your chest, you hesitantly move closer, and closer, until your lips gently meet his forehead in a kiss so light, you foolishly wonder if he even feels your lips there at all.
“하니야, 사랑해. [Hannie, I love you.]”
Jeonghan stills immediately. You can feel his hot breath catch against your neck, and you feel a shiver come down your spine.
“I don’t want anyone else. Just you,” you say choppily, each word spilling out before you can think about what you really just said.
When you retreat an inch or two back from his forehead, you can see that he has finally opened his eyes.
“You mean it?” he asks, voice high-pitched in disbelief.
Not trusting your voice, you nod three times.
“Say it again,” he begs, his red-rimmed eyes downturned.
“사랑해, 하니야 [I love you, Hannie]. I tried so hard not to. 내 마음을 접고 다른 사람을 바라보고 싶었어. 싶었는데… [I wanted to let go of my feelings for you and search for someone else. That’s what I wanted, but…]”
Jeonghan inhales sharply. Distressed, his Adam's apple bobs up and down. Your heart aches at the sight of him so exposed, and your thumb moves to rub soothing circles by his collarbone.
You assure him, “근데 그게 진짜 그냥 안 된거야. 도저히 너를 포기할 수 없었어. [But that really just didn’t work. There was no way I could bring myself to give you up.]”
Your fingers close to his neck, you feel Jeonghan’s pulse racing. Trying to help his heart settle down, you press another light kiss to his forehead, cradling the back of his head with your other hand. His breath shudders against your cheek.
“마음이 하니한테 만 끌리니까, 뭐… 포기하려고 노력을 했는데 소용이 없었어. [My heart was only drawn to you, Hannie, and well… no matter how hard I tried to give you up, it was no use.]”
Jeonghan blinks up at you with watery eyes.
“You’re it for me, 하니 [Hannie]. Okay?” Sheepish, you feel a bit embarrassed at having been so honest.
Now that you’ve bared your heart and soul to him, you take the opportunity to really look at him, since you were distracted with telling your part for the past few minutes—and, oh.
His pupils are so dilated, his eyes look almost black. His breathing has slowed down compared to earlier, but his fists are still clenched, like he’s holding something back.
In a low voice, so deep that it wouldn’t have been audible if you weren’t practically pressed against him, Jeonghan finally responds to your confession.
“You love me,” he says hesitantly, like he’s asking to confirm.
The corners up your lip turn up, and he grins. “You love me,” he says again, only louder this time, and then he’s leaning forward into you.
His hands find you first, clinging to your neck and waist sweetly yet firmly, like he’s afraid to let you go now that he finally has you.
When his lips meet yours, you melt into the kiss. His lips are warm, softer than you expected, moving against yours with an aching tenderness. Your fingers curl into the fabric of his shirt as his hands tighten around your waist, pulling you in like he’s afraid you’ll slip away.
He tilts his head slightly, deepening the kiss, and a shiver runs down your spine when his thumb brushes along the curve of your jaw. The touch is so careful, so reverent, like he’s memorizing every part of you.
Then, he pulls back just an inch—just enough for his breath to fan across your lips, his forehead resting against yours. His eyes, dark and unreadable, search yours as if needing confirmation.
"You love me? 진심이지? [You’re serious, right?]" His voice is barely above a whisper.
Your chest tightens at the sheer vulnerability in his expression. You cup his cheek, brushing your thumb against his damp skin, and nod. "사랑해, 하니야. [I love you, Hannie.] 진짜, [Really,] I always have."
A sound escapes him—somewhere between a laugh and a sigh of relief—before he leans in again, kissing you with more urgency this time. His hands tangle into your hair, fingers curling at the nape of your neck as he presses you impossibly closer. The kiss is deeper now, more certain. He parts his lips slightly, and you do the same, the heat between you growing into something undeniable.
Your hands wander—one slipping into his hair, the other trailing down his shoulder. He shudders under your touch, and you feel the tension slowly unraveling from his body, like he’s finally letting himself believe this is real.
When you finally part for air, he lets out a shaky laugh, thumb ghosting over your kiss-swollen lips. "You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this," he murmurs, his voice husky.
Your heart swells at the confession. "Actually, I think I do," you whisper back before pulling him into another kiss, this time knowing—without a doubt—that neither of you are going anywhere.
────୨ৎ────
“하니, [Hannie,]” you say, leaning against him on the sofa in your apartment, drawing random shapes on his chest with your right hand. “We should go on a drive again.”
“Mm, a drive?” he says, distracted by his fascination with observing your left hand, holding it like a precious gem.
“Yeah, 바람 좀 새자 [let’s get some air]. A night drive.”
His hands stall, lips curling up at the corners. “Oh, a night drive, huh? 역사적인 거네. [How historic.]”
You bury your face in his chest. “Mmh,” you say to his shirt.
“You know, you said 사랑해 [I love you] to me for the first time on a night drive,” he says casually. His hands let go of your left hand, then make their way to your head, patting your hair gently.
You prop your chin up on his stomach, expecting to see Jeonghan’s pure smile. But instead, he’s smirking at you.
“You wanted me so bad.” He sighs dramatically. “What else could I do, but accept your love?”
You can’t help but smile. “I think you’re misremembering things a little, 하니 [Hannie].”
“Oh, am I?” he gasps, wide-eyed and open-mouthed.
If he were anyone else, he’d look stupid feigning ignorance. Fortunately for you, though, he isn’t anyone else—he’s the love of your life, and he makes everything look good.
“Ugh,” you say, eyes shining. “You look dumb, stop it.”
“You love it,” he says cheekily, arms falling from your head to wrap around you in a big hug.
“Mmfph,” you say in response, relishing in the warmth radiating from his body.
“Not denying it, I see,” he says. “Overwhelmed by your love for me, you dove at my poor, innocent self in the car, kissing me all over!”
“Pfft,” you laugh. “No, that was you!”
“No,” Jeonghan pouts.
“I happen to remember a little crybaby confessing first,” you say with an upside down smile, hugging him tighter.
Jeonghan’s eyes look up at the ceiling. “무슨 말인지… [I don’t know what you’re talking about…]”
“야아! [Hey!]” your hand slaps his chest lightly. “나 좀 봐봐, 음? [Look at me, hmm?]”
“싫은데? [Don’t wanna,]” he says, pouting.
“사랑해도 안 볼 거야? 섭섭하네… [Even if I love you, you won’t look at me? I’m sad…]” you huff, burying your face into the sofa pillows instead of Jeonghan’s chest. “하니가 안 사랑해주면 난 갈 거야. [If you don’t love me I’m gonna leave.]”
Jeonghan laughs, “가긴 어딜가, 여기 너네 집이잖아. [Leave? What do you mean, leave? This is your house.]”
Jeonghan hugs you tighter, then suddenly sits up, taking you with him.
“사랑해, [I love you,]” he says earnestly, staring deeply into your eyes, as if he wants to dive into the depths of your iris. Your name leaves his lips fervently, like a prayer.
“사랑해, 하니야, [I love you, Hannie,]” you say back, and you mean it.
Because Yoon Jeonghan is simultaneously the funniest, weirdest, kindest, most devastatingly handsome man you’ve ever met. And he’s yours.
Masterlist
Author's Note: here’s a big literary hug <3
Disclaimer: nothing i write is representative of how svt acts off camera, take their names as stand-ins for oc's!!
Synopsis: It’s been 2 days since you confessed to your best friend that you love him, and it’s been 2 days since you’ve talked to him. Now you're hiding in the bridal suite of your friend's wedding, avoiding him.
Content: Angst, Fluff, Comfort | Friends to Lovers
Tags: bridesmaid!reader, groomsman!vernon, insecure reader, jihyo appears, dino's getting married in this one lolz, intense pining, lots of internal spiraling, vernon's facial expressions get flamed, 2 kdrama fall moments, a little konglish w/ translations, a kiss, no "y/n"
Word Count: 6.4K
What is love? If you didn’t know any better, you’d say that it’s what you feel for Chwe Vernon. Unfortunately for you, though, you really didn’t know any better, and now you’re facing the consequences of your actions.
It’s been two days since you confessed to your best friend that you love him, and it’s been two days since you’ve talked to the man. Honestly, you have no one to blame but yourself, but you’ve convinced yourself that it’s everyone else’s fault for encouraging you. Maybe, if they hadn’t kept pushing you to confess to him—insisting that he definitely was into you—then you wouldn’t be in this position.
Said position involves taking turns hiding in the bridal suite and bathroom of this wedding venue. In fact, you’re so committed to your act that you’ve practically become one with the shadows.
If anything, Vernon should be grateful that you’re going out of your way to avoid him. That way, he wouldn’t get bombarded with the secondhand embarrassment from remembering that horrible day.
The only reason you’re here right now is because both Chan and his bride are close friends of yours, and you wouldn’t want to miss their wedding for the world. Plus, you’re also a bridesmaid.
It was on you for blurting a disastrous confession to Vernon a few hours after the wedding rehearsal.
But the bride and groom don’t even know that things have changed between the two of you. Given the chaos of wedding preparations, you withheld the fact that you and Vernon are going through a rough patch right now—if not the end of the friendship entirely. You didn’t want to add to their stress, but now you feel like you’re on fire.
After all, Vernon is one of the groomsmen. What’s worse is, the wedding plans involve bridesmaids and groomsmen walking down the aisle in pairs, and you’d been placed with Vernon without a second thought.
In other words, you’re completely screwed.
“T-minus 20,” your friend and fellow bridesmaid Jihyo says, nudging your side. “We should go now.”
You feel a faint pulsing at the forefront of your head, a headache creeping up on you. God, what if when he sees you, he shakes his head and makes an X or something with his hands, insisting that he won’t walk down with you? What if he finds you physically embarrassing to be around, and just walks away? You’ve been running away from him all day, so it might not be a stretch to consider that he might have been trying to get away from you, too.
You groan, scrunching the root of your hair, somewhat messing up your carefully curled hair. No, he wouldn’t just leave, that would ruin the wedding. He has too much love for Chan to do that to him. If he protests, he’d either do it subtly right before or confront you after it’s all over.
You shut your eyes and take a deep breath. No one knows about your falling out except for you. And, well, Vernon, of course, but that’s not who you have to keep this secret from. You have to do your best to act normal and not at all like your heart is on the verge of bursting.
“Has anyone ever died of embarrassment?” you suddenly ask, fingers dancing to find something to channel your nervous energy into. You fist a bit of the dress you’re wearing, then release it when you realize you can’t wrinkle the pretty material. “Shit.” You smooth over the fabric with shaky, sweaty hands.
“What is going on with you?” Jihyo’s eyes narrow as she looks you over.
“I’ll tell you later,” you manage, bouncing your leg up and down.
“Later, as in when?”
“After the wedding,” you grit. You want to bury your face in your hands, but the expensive makeup gives you pause. You settle for lowering your head, staring listlessly at the white tiles on the ground.
“Is this about what happened with Vernon?”
You whip your head up. “You know?”
Jihyo slowly blinks, then deadpans, “Uh, yeah? A, both of you have been weird. The last time I saw you two not together was like, five years ago. And B, you’re literally the least subtle person I’ve ever met.”
“Oh,” you squeak, then quickly ask, “Wait, what do you think happened with Vernon?”
She stares blankly at you, as if the answer is obvious. “You confessed. He said nothing. You ran away.”
Your eyebrows shoot up, eyes growing comically large. Then, a frown replaces your shock. You don’t need to ask her how she knows. If anything, it just adds to the notion that even your other friends knew that he would’ve rejected you.
Jihyo sighs, coming over to the loveseat to sit next to you. She gives you a warm side hug, rubbing your back. “He’s a massive idiot. It’s gonna be okay. Let’s just get it together for the wedding, hmm?”
You swallow roughly, then nod.
She continues, “Seriously, though. I’ve known Vernon for almost as long as you have. He’s not great at talking when he’s caught off guard—you know that, too.”
You blink at her words, the tiniest spark of hope igniting in your chest. But you quickly stamp it out, remembering the face he had made when you blurted out that you loved him.
Brows furrowed, open-mouthed, eyes wide, dead silent—he had to have been looking at you with disgust. That was the only way any sane person could decipher that look, really! There was no way that that face was the look of a man who was in love with you, as your friends have claimed.
“It doesn’t matter,” you say, wrinkling your mouth into a smile that anyone could tell was faked. “I’ll get through it.”
“Yeah, it’s not that deep. Just walk down the aisle with him. It’ll take 10 seconds, tops.”
You’re very sure she’s exaggerating, but you wave it off. “I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine,” she says dryly.
You glare at her. “I’ll be fine.”
“Good, that’s the right mentality,” she says, clasping your shoulders, shaking your upper body. “파이팅! [Fighting!]”
“해야지, [gotta do it,]” you mutter.
Jihyo’s right. You’ll have to see Vernon anyway, so you might as well do it with as much dignity as you can scrap together.
Except, the little dignity you have left demands some more time to procrastinate and linger in your regret.
Jihyo stands up from the couch, but you don’t. Your limbs feel impossibly heavy, as if they’ve been held down by a massive boulder.
You groan, “Just go without me, I’ll leave soon. I wanna go as late as possible.”
Jihyo looks at you with what you can only describe as immense pity. “Okay. I’ll see you in five?”
You nod numbly, watching her walk away to open the doors of the bridal suite.
Vaguely, you can hear some absentminded chatter across the room from the hair and makeup artists, mother of the bride, and maid of honor, all crowded over the bride. It’s all but a buzz in the back of your mind, though, since you’re preoccupied with trying to convince yourself that you have it in you to face Vernon. Knowing you only have five minutes before needing to walk down the aisle with him, your mouth feels dry—too dry.
At that realization, you force your heavy limbs to get up, then walk over the fancy rug to the table where a myriad of miscellaneous objects have been strewn about. You reach for your bag to take out your water bottle, but your hands falter when you look at the little keychain attached to the bag.
It’s a silver charm bracelet you’ve repurposed as a bag charm. It has a turtle and retriever puppy on it, representing the animals you’ve viewed each other as being. Seeing the charms causes a pang of longing to cut deep into you, reminding you of how much you’ve missed him in the last two days.
Could you ever forgive yourself for ruining your precious friendship? For getting too greedy, for asking for too much?
Your hands grip the edge of the table roughly, searching for something to stabilize your body, which is dangerously teetering in the high heels you had convinced yourself you’d be able to walk properly in. You’d bought it because the color of the shoe perfectly matches your dress, but the razor thin heel is proving to be an issue.
Subconsciously, your hand reaches out from the table corner to your bag, gently rubbing the golden retriever charm Vernon always said looked like you, and you’re hit with a sudden intense wave of sadness—but not for the confession.
No, instead, you turn your regret to the insecure internal ramblings that have ravaged you lately.
The earnest, bright eyes of the little puppy charm makes you conscious of the hollow ache spreading throughout your body. How could you have been so mean to your poor, fragile heart?
Alright, maybe you and Vernon wouldn’t be friends anymore. Maybe you would have to live without seeing him ever again.
But you’d have to live with yourself, and it wasn’t right to treat yourself like this.
Technically, Vernon didn’t even say anything to you. He didn’t outright reject you just yet, and he certainly didn’t say you weren’t someone worthy of love. So it was completely unfair for you to jump to those conclusions yourself, putting words in his mouth.
And most of all, it would be even more unfair to you, represented by this adorable puppy charm, to lose yourself to heartbreak.
Straightening your back, your other hand reaches into your bag for your water bottle. Upon chugging the remainder of the water, you close your eyes, concentrating on making your pulse slow down. It works, and you breathe a sigh of relief.
You might have to live with the fallout of this confession, but you could also live with the truth. Loving Vernon wasn't a mistake, and it wouldn't feel like one, no matter how he responded. He deserved honesty, and you deserved to stand by it. Even if this was the end, you wanted to leave this part of your story knowing you'd done right by both of you.
You nod to no one in particular, having made your mind up. After the wedding, you’ll go to him and be upfront about it all, bearing your soul to his response.
For now, though, you’ll help him enjoy the wedding by continuing to stay out of his sight. If he can’t see you, he can’t get reminded of his need to reject you—which is important, of course, because you don’t want his memories of this wedding to be of you crying after he lets you down.
With this renewed clarity, you steady yourself. Vernon doesn’t love you, and that’s okay. You’d do enough loving for the both of you.
────୨ৎ────
Vernon steps into the bridal suite, a thrum of nerves coursing through his veins. He’s spent the past half-hour searching for you in every nook and cranny of the venue, dodging curious glances and knowing jokes from the other groomsmen about his obvious distraction. Jihyo’s the one who finally pointed him in the right direction, murmuring something about how it’s been over five minutes, and how he’s the only one who can get you to show up.
When he sees you standing by the table, shoulders tense, your hands gripping the edge like it’s the only thing keeping you upright, his breath catches. There you are, beautiful and strong and fragile all at once, lost in your thoughts. His chest constricts. How did it come to this? How did the best thing in his life become the one thing he feels he’s on the verge of losing?
“Hey,” he says softly, taking a step forward, calling your name softly.
Your head snaps up at the sound of his voice, and the sudden movement sends you teetering in your high heels. Eyes wide, you twist toward him, your balance faltering. “Vernon?”
It happens in a split second. One of your heels trips on the edge of the rug, and you stumble forward. Vernon darts forward instinctively, grabbing you just before you hit the ground. His arms wrap around you tightly, steadying you.
For a moment, everything stops. Leaning against his chest, you can hear his heartbeat, a frantic rhythm that matches your own. God, your near face plant must have scared him a lot?
But just as you start to regain your footing, your heel accidentally digs into his foot, and he lets out a yelp of pain.
The abrupt shift in weight sends him off balance, and the two of you tumble onto the floor in a tangled heap.
There’s a beat of silence, and then Vernon’s crazy seagull call of a laugh cuts through the tension.
It’s infectious, and before you know it, you’re both laughing, the sound filling the room. It’s ridiculous, it’s messy, and it’s the most alive you’ve felt in days.
When your body relaxes all of its tension, you realize that you’ve missed him with every fiber of your being. That something in you has been waiting for him, like you’ve been in withdrawal without hearing his laughter in the last two days.
You’d planned on continuing to avoid him until the end of the wedding, so that he could enjoy his night without you, but that idea is crumbling right before your eyes. You might not be able to bring yourself to stay away from him any longer.
And then, oh, then—the laughter fades, and you realize how close you are.
Vernon’s face is inches from yours, his warm breath fanning across your skin. His eyes, dark and soft, hold a depth of emotion that makes your stomach twist. And for a fleeting moment, you think you see something raw and unguarded in his gaze—something you’ve seen before.
It’s how he looked when you confessed to him.
Your chest tightens, and your thoughts spiral. Is he mad, reminded of your confession?
You scramble to put distance between you, pushing yourself off him and stepping back hastily. Too hastily, really.
“I’m so sorry,” you stammer, smoothing down the fabric of your dress as if that will somehow restore your composure. “I didn’t mean to, I swear—”
“It’s okay,” Vernon says gently, sitting up.
He reaches an arm out for you, but you’ve already retreated several steps, an apologetic smile plastered on your face.
“We should get going,” you say, your tone overly formal. “It’s almost time.” Without waiting for his response, you turn on your heel and stride toward the door, your movements stiff and hurried.
Vernon watches you go, his hand dropping to his side. He flexes it, then exhales sharply, frustration bubbling beneath the surface of his calm exterior.
You’re running again, and he’s running out of time to fix this.
Pushing himself to his feet, he follows you out of the suite, his long strides easily catching up to you.
The two of you arrive at the line of bridesmaids and groomsmen just as the coordinator starts organizing everyone into pairs. You avoid Vernon’s gaze, your hands clasped tightly in front of you.
But when it’s your turn to step forward, he’s there, holding out his hand to you.
It shakes a little, and your breath hitches when you notice a flash of silver on his wrist. It’s a charm bracelet, and it’s unmistakably the same one you’ve kept on your bag for years, the little turtle and retriever puppy charms glinting under the soft light.
Surely not?
Surely, he doesn’t?
Tentatively, you place your hand in his, your fingers trembling. His grip is familiar, warm, and steady, grounding you even as your emotions threaten to overwhelm you.
As you walk toward the aisle together, you don't look at whoever you're supposed to be looking at, whether it's the officiant or the people clapping in the crowd. Instead, your eyes are trained on the jewelry peeking out of his sleeve, and how his hand feels so soft and warm and dependable against yours.
Then, it suddenly occurs to you that maybe, just maybe, you saw it wrong that day. Maybe he wasn’t looking at you like he was appalled by your audacity to tell him your feelings. He might have actually really been confused, allowing for you to misinterpret his surprise for rejection.
But as soon as the thought enters your mind, you dismiss it. False hope definitely wouldn’t do anything for your precious feelings. Especially when the hope was that Vernon, of all people, would love you as much as you love him.
Desperately avoiding eye contact with the man in question, you stare straight at the bridesmaid-groomsman pair in front of you.
If Vernon loved you back, then he’d say it. He’d show it somehow, some day. Today wasn’t that day, and that’s okay.
You’d be alright without him, eventually. Probably. Hopefully?
With that rationale, you do your best to ignore your trembling legs, burning ears, and constricting chest. The bride and groom deserve a perfect procession, and you would play your role well.
────୨ৎ────
It was a beautiful ceremony. And, three hours into the reception, you’re proud to say that you’ve survived. Promptly after the procession, you separated from Vernon, finding refuge within the bridesmaid group. Ever since, you’ve flitted around different tables, dancing with random people, all in the name of protecting him from seeing you.
You’re actually incredible at avoiding people, if you do say so yourself. Every time you’ve seen Vernon within 50 feet of your vicinity, you’ve grabbed someone new to dance with or talk to. And for especially close calls, you’ve dragged Jihyo into the bathroom.
This time, though, you’re hiding in the bathroom without her. She’d finally refused to go with you for the nth time. The brat had thrown you to the wolves, essentially. No girl code—the nerve of her!
Patting down the roots and length of your hair, which had gotten a bit frizzy, you stare at yourself blankly in the mirror, watching a shiver run down your spine from the cold air-conditioning blasting in the small space.
Despite your efforts to calm down, a sigh escapes your mouth, your shoulders feeling far too heavy. What are you doing, hiding?
God, you love him so much. So much that you’re willing to dance around him so he doesn’t get reminded of you, so that he doesn’t worry about how to reject you all night, so that he can just enjoy the wedding.
What even is love?
You’ve heard that love is sacrifice, and if what you feel is really love, then, well. You’ll have to try not to love anyone but yourself from now on, because unrequited love is somewhat horrible.
You’ll get over him someday, right?
Right?
Before you can psych yourself out of leaving the freezing but rather safe haven that is the restroom, you march over to the door with a new mantra. You shake your shoulders and roll your neck, cracking the joints in your fingers.
“I’ll get over it,” you murmur. “I’m over it. I’m over it! Over, over, over.”
Pushing the door open, you continue rambling to yourself. “I’ll get over it. Over, over, over, over...”
“Over what?” comes a familiar voice.
Oh, shit.
Wide-eyed, you look up to see Vernon blocking your way past the bathroom and back into the hallway leading to the reception.
“Oh,” you gasp, limbs frozen. your eyes flit back to the door to the women’s restroom again, contemplating ditching him cheaply (again).
Vernon steps closer, his gaze softening as he notices your hesitation. His voice is low and gentle—too gentle—when he speaks, almost as if he’s unsure how to break the silence.
"Hey," he says softly, his hand reaching out, fingers brushing against your arm. "You don't have to hide from me, y’know."
You glance up at him, your adrenaline flowing through your veins. You want to back away, to keep putting distance between you, but something about his insistent stare makes your legs freeze.
"I know it's been awkward," Vernon continues, his words more measured now. "But I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable. I just—I just want to talk." He brings his right hand up to his chest, like he’s swearing that he speaks the truth.
You shake your head, your voice trembling. "You don’t have to. I don’t want to make things worse."
Vernon furrows his brows, stepping closer, as if he can’t bear to see you pull away from him again. "You think that running away will fix it? You think I want you to hide from me?"
You swallow hard, avoiding his eyes. "I don't know. This is all new to me."
"Then let me say it.” Vernon’s voice is strangled. "I don’t want to lose you, okay? I didn’t want it to happen like this, I…” His voice trails off as he clenches his fists, shutting his eyes tightly before opening them again. “Please don’t think I shut you down, I just—I needed some time to process everything. I care about you a lot—so much more than I know how to show, sometimes. Or,” he huffs with red-rimmed eyes, “a lot of the time."
A silence settles between you, thick and heavy, but Vernon doesn’t seem to notice. He looks at you with downturned, shining eyes, and you feel your defenses slowly start to crumble.
You’ve never seen him so devastated.
"Come here," Vernon says softly, his arm reaching out to tug you closer, now fully clinging to your side. "Please don’t keep running. Please?” He says the last word like it’s a prayer—and, oh, is it a powerful one.
Every part of your body stiffens, caught off guard by how warm he is, then immediately relaxes at how gently he’s holding you, as if you would break if he held on any tighter.
"Please don’t run from me anymore," he whispers, his breath hot against your ear, sending a shiver down your spine.
You think you could melt into his arms, and it takes everything within you to trust him, to not back away like you have for the past two days. With each passing second, you feel your spine relaxing and leaning into his touch. Then, in the midst of your relaxation, it occurs to you that he’s awaiting your reply.
But before you can answer his pleas, the sound of hurried footsteps echoes through the hallway. Jumping apart like fugitives before the law, you both turn to see Jihyo skidding around the corner, her face flushed with panic.
“There you are!” she exclaims, eyes wide. “The bouquet toss is about to happen! Get over here!”
Before you can even blink, Jihyo grabs your wrist, pulling you away from the delicate warmth of Vernon’s embrace.
“Now!” she shouts.
You twist your back around to send him a helpless look, and all he gives you is an encouraging nod and the cutest, awkward little wave. You see the sincerity in his boyish smile, which makes your chest feel tight, as if all the air had been sucked from the room. It’s bad enough for your delicate heart.
But then, most wickedly, you catch the adorable, anxious eagerness in his crinkled, watery eyes—and, oh.
It really is all over for you, isn’t it?
You really won’t be able to love anyone else, will you?
There is no “getting over” Chwe Vernon.
The last threads of your resolve crumble as you follow Jihyo. You barely register the steps that lead you back into the grand reception hall. She has a vice grip on your wrist, tugging you along with such urgency that your shoes almost trip you on the way inside. The room hums with energy, and you can’t help but feel out of place in the frenzy of people excitedly whispering and glancing toward the front.
Everyone has gathered in a semi-circle, eager faces all pointed at the bride, who is holding the bouquet high above her head. Your pulse is speeding up by the second, but it’s not for the reason the other single women are likely nervous for. All you can think about is how you’ve been dragged here with nothing but the love you have for Vernon—a deep, endless kind that threatens to burst out of you in a wildly embarrassing public display of affection.
"You're gonna be fine," Jihyo says with a grin, though it’s a little too wide, too bright. You’re not sure if she’s referring to the Vernon fiasco or the bouquet toss, but you force a smile back at her anyway.
"Sure I am," you mumble under your breath.
She doesn’t hear you, or if she does, she doesn’t acknowledge that she heard it. She’s already turned her attention back to the bride, her arm brushing yours as she steps forward, positioning herself with the other women who are trying to catch the bouquet.
You stand awkwardly behind her at the edge of the crowd of single women, feet shuffling, heart still pounding from your conversation with Vernon.
Then, the live orchestral music shifts, and you feel a slight weight in your stomach, despite knowing the chances of the bouquet toss heading your way is slim to none. Still, it’s happening now, and you’re now on the single ladies floor, so there’s no backing out.
When you shift your back to brush away some of the hair obscuring your vision, you make eye contact with the very man who has been occupying your every thought this evening. Vernon had probably followed you and Jihyo as she pulled you away, since he’s now standing near you. And, oh, he’s close—only an arm’s distance or so away from you, standing at the front of the larger crowd.
The closer the moment of the throw gets, the harder it is to ignore his burning presence. He’s standing with a group of other men who are watching the floor full of gorgeous, single women, but his attention is entirely on you.
A subtle smile plays at the corners of his mouth, and the air between the two of you suddenly feels too thick. You have so much to say to him, and you don’t know how to get it all out in an eloquent way.
But your deliberation of what to say to him is cut short by the screams announcing that the bouquet has launched into the air.
You lift your chin up, squinting as the light of the chandeliers temporarily blinds you. By the time you blink away the flashing spots in your vision, you see the trajectory of the bouquet.
It arcs high above the crowd of waiting women, catching the light as it spins toward the back—toward you! If you don’t move, the bouquet will crash into your face.
Your arms instinctively reach for the flowers, reaching beyond what you’d thought was capable for yourself. But the second after your back stretches and feet jump to accommodate the move, your left heel completely gives out, sending your balance completely off-kilter.
Your arms flail uselessly as your ankle sharply twists, and the world tips sideways. The air rushes past your face, cold and sharp, and you brace yourself for impact—ready to collide utterly gracelessly with the hard floor. But before gravity can win, a pair of strong hands clamps around your waist, arresting your fall with a jarring yet steady pull.
The warmth of his touch spreads like wildfire through the thin fabric of your dress, grounding you in an instant. Vernon’s hands are firm, almost possessive, his grip both steady and urgent, like he’s afraid to let go.
Your chest presses against his, the faint thud of his heartbeat syncing with the chaotic rhythm of your own. His scent hits you next—a subtle mix of cedarwood and something distinctly him, crisp and comforting all at once. The tension in your body melts slightly as his arms secure you closer, your trembling legs finding balance in his hold.
“Hey,” he says shyly, his breath fanning across the shell of your ear. It sends a shiver down your spine, his words calming and electrifying in equal measure.
Your fingers instinctively clutch at the lapels of his jacket, the soft fabric brushing against your palms, anchoring you to reality. His thumb brushes lightly against your side, the touch barely noticeable yet searing, and the warmth from his body radiates into yours like a shield against the world.
Slowly, he adjusts his grip, one hand sliding to the small of your back, the other ghosting against your shoulder as he steadies you on your feet. The gentleness of his movements is stark against the adrenaline roaring in your ears.
When you finally look up, your breath catches. His face is so close—closer than you were when you fell in the bridal suite, closer than you’ve ever been before. Close enough to see the individual strands of his long lashes, to see the beautiful shimmer in his brown eyes. His eyes, wide and searching, lock onto yours, the emotions swirling in their dark depths rendering you speechless.
“I’ve got you,” Vernon says, his voice barely more than a whisper, but the words reverberate through you like an earthquake. “다친 데 없어? [You’re not hurt, are you?]”
You shake your head without much thought, the back of your neck and your ears burning up at how tender his touch is.
His fingers linger at your waist, the subtle pressure of his touch still burning against your skin. Even as he pulls away just enough to give you space, the absence of his warmth feels like a loss you’re not ready to accept. Without thinking, your hand darts out, fingertips brushing against the sleeve covering the charm bracelet you saw during the procession.
And that’s when you notice the bouquet—clutched awkwardly in your other hand, its delicate petals trembling just as much as you are. The flowers are slightly askew from the near disaster, and it all comes crashing down on you.
You wince at the ridiculous public scene you’ve made, but the smile that spreads across Vernon’s face is enough to make you forget about everything, humiliation be damned.
“Perfect,” he says softly, though you can hear the teasing edge in his voice. “You got it, princess.”
Princess, the joke he started calling you after Disney movie marathons in which you mocked the main characters always needing men to save them—you were definitely having a princess moment right now.
Vernon reaches to brush a strand of hair out of your face, and you feel your cheeks heat from the decidedly intimate nature of his touch.
And that’s when the room erupts.
Cheers fill the space as the guests begin clapping, laughing, and shouting in celebration. You see Chan whistle, while his newlywed wife shouts, “Finally!” The noise surges around you, but you can’t focus on anything except the way Vernon is looking at you.
You don’t know how on earth you could have misinterpreted it before—his wide eyes, slightly furrowed brows, half-open mouth. His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows thickly, and it’s suddenly clear he’s just as affected as you are.
He’s looking at you like you’re the only one in the room, like you’re the only one he can see.
He’s looking at you in the same way you look at him.
Your breath catches in your throat as you stare past his shoulders to see the waiting eyes of the entire room. It’s as though they’ve known all along, most having been there to see the constant teasing, the not-so-secret glances exchanged, and the tension that’s been building for what feels like ages. Everyone knew before you two did, really.
The realization hits you all at once, and a nervous laugh escapes you. You’re caught in the act—the act of love—and there’s no denying it.
You exchange an uncertain look with Vernon, and something flickers in his eyes. It’s something deeper, like the three words you told him two days ago, only to be met with silence.
“Looks like it’s fate, huh?” you joke weakly, shaking the bouquet, trying to regain some control over the situation.
But Vernon doesn’t laugh. His expression just softens, and his voice is so, so deep when he speaks, it’s barely audible over the noise of the guests. “Y’know, you don’t have to joke your way out of this.”
You swallow hard, but before you can respond, he steps closer to you, his gaze unwavering, presence overwhelming. He reaches for your hand, gently pulling it into his, where it fits just so, and the warmth of his touch sends a wave of electricity through you.
“You know I’ve been looking for you, right?” Vernon continues, his voice slightly choked, making your chest tighten. “All day. All day, yesterday and today. I’m so sorry I didn’t say anything that day. It wasn’t because I didn’t care, I do,” he pauses, tightening his grasp on you. “It’s because I care too much, really.”
Your breath hitches. What is he saying? Your brain is practically numb from the excessive overthinking you’ve been doing for the past two days. He needs to just spell it out.
“What?”
Vernon exhales a short laugh, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. His hands, buried deep in his coat pockets, tense visibly as his shoulders lift slightly. “I feel like you don’t get it,” he says softly, the words teetering on the edge of vulnerability.
Your heart skips a beat. “Get what?”
He looks at you—really looks at you, staring intensely into your eyes, weighing whether or not to say the next part. His jaw tightens for a brief second, the muscle flexing as he shifts his weight from one foot to the other. He pulls a hand out of his pocket, raking it through his hair. His fingers linger at the nape of his neck before dropping back to his side, curling loosely as though they’re bracing for impact.
“That I’m here for you,” Vernon says, his voice barely above a whisper. He steps closer, not quite closing the distance but close enough that you can feel the addictive heat radiating off of him. “That I’ve always been here for you. And not…” He clenches and unclenches his fists. “Not just as a friend.”
Your breath hitches, and you feel his gaze flicker to your lips for the briefest moment before darting back to your eyes. His own are wide, filled with uncertainty but also a quiet kind of determination.
He shifts again, this time slipping his other hand out of his pocket and holding it out, palm up, like an offering. His fingers twitch slightly, betraying his nerves, and you notice a faint redness creeping up his neck, the telltale signs of his composure cracking.
“I didn’t say anything sooner because…” His voice trails as he bites the inside of his cheek, eyes dropping to the ground. When he looks up again, his expression is raw and completely unguarded. “Because I didn’t want to mess things up. But I can’t keep telling myself I don’t feel this way. I’m sorry I’m so late.”
Your chest tightens as his words settle over you, finally registering the weight of them.
“Please don’t get over me,” he says all at once, breathlessly. His eyes are shining, his gaze ever so hopeful.
His hand lingers in the space between you, waiting, hoping.
“Please?”
You stare at his outstretched hand in disbelief, limbs locked by pure shock. Is this real?
You can feel the effort it’s taking for him to stay still, his thumb twitching every few seconds like he’s fighting the urge to pull away and retreat.
When you don’t immediately respond, Vernon exhales shakily and starts to pull his hand back, his lips parting as if to apologize.
But before he can, your fingers move instinctively, brushing against his.
The contact is brief, but it’s enough to make him freeze. His eyes snap to yours, widening as if he doesn’t quite believe what just happened. Slowly, hesitantly, his fingers curl around yours, the warmth of his touch steadying you as much as it does him.
“I mean it. I don’t want you to move on, because I love you,” he says shakily. “I’m in love with you, and I don’t know if you still feel that way for me, but… I need you to know how I feel.”
In the depths of his eyes, you see the vulnerability he’s always tried to hide, the intensity of the emotions he’s been holding back for so long.
And it’s as if the whole room vanishes, leaving just the two of you standing there. The bouquet is forgotten, and so are the guests, their cheers having long faded into the background.
Your heart feels as though it’s about to explode from your chest, but the words spill out before you can think. “I love you, too.”
Vernon brightens, eyes lighting up his, his grin stretching from ear to ear, and you fold. He’s handsome and sweet and a little awkward and brilliant—and yours.
Before your next breath, he’s leaning forward, closing the distance between you.
His lips meet yours in a kiss so soft, so gentle, that you barely feel it at all. Impatient, you eagerly lift your chin up for more of him. Wrapping your arms around his neck, deepening the kiss—oh, is it something to live for. You never want to let go. He tastes like chocolate and feels like a dream come true—he’s your very own prince, if you’re the princess.
It feels like the world has finally clicked into place. You and Vernon are on the same page, and it’s indescribable, really.
When the roaring in your ears subsides, you hear some wolf whistles, and you suddenly realize where you are. You barely bring yourself to pull a few inches away from him, laughing softly, and he smiles, his eyes sparkling with so, so much warmth and love. It’s all for you. And you realize that here, in his arms, you feel full. You feel so warm, so cared for.
This, this is love.
Masterlist
Author's Note: he's a bit of a loser in this, but i think he made up for it
Disclaimer: nothing i write is representative of how svt acts off camera, take their names as stand-ins for oc's!!
I love loser Vernon!!! I love that he’s wearing the charm bracelet and he’s been going crazy looking for Y/N the last two days. When he said “don’t get over me” I was clutching my heart 🥺🥹
I feel shy to let you know my identity but oh I am so glad I found your blog. Apart from top-tier writing, your reco blog is full of treasures. I wish I can thank you more! As Seventeen’s “Thanks” go, I hope the sincerity of this obvious word reaches you, and that if there was a word greater than thanks, I would have used it!
awww thank you so much 🩵🩵 i’ll try to post more recs 🙃
Pairing: Model!Kim Mingyu x Fem!Reader (secondary Lee Dokyeom x Reader)
Synopsis: Dokyeom checks all the boxes. He's marriage material, at least according to your friends. So why can't you believe them? Maybe it has something to do with the ex you're still hung up over, Mingyu.
Content: Fluff, Angst | Childhood Friends to Lovers to Exes to Lovers
Tags: in which you are younghee (DON'T look at me), imagine 500 days of summer and la la land had a baby, lowk toxicity, dk is a bumbling "nice guy" for fic purposes only, reader basically thinks everything that isn’t mingyu-coded is an ick, jealousy, cursing, gyu is taller, mingiggles, no "y/n," konglish
Playlist: Tear the Roof with a High Kick (Tear the Roof with a High Kick OST), Some (Soyou), Juna (Clairo), ONLY (LeeHi), You are my Girl (Tear the Roof with a High Kick OST), Fear (Seventeen) + more in full
Word Count: 8K (teaser) -> 20K (est. full)
Release Date: late September
2015년 11월 20일 | 2015 November 20
“안녕?” Hi?
It’s just one word, but it’s accompanied by a bashful wave and a familiar smile, and that’s about all it takes. Years of imagining what you’d say when he finally returned, rendered totally useless. Steady self control knocked down in a single sweeping blow.
“안녕,” you say softly back, a little breathless. Hi.
He stands up suddenly from his desk, which draws some fleeting stares from other students loitering around the classroom. A little flustered from the attention, he clears his throat and stiffly folds his arms together before looking at you again.
“키가 많이 컸네. 오랜만이야,” he blurts. You got a lot taller. It’s been a while.
He smiles shyly, and you catch a flash of the canines peeking behind his lips.
You swallow thickly, right hand fidgeting with the material of your pants. Has the air gotten more humid since the bell rang? As if something presses against your chest, every breath takes effort.
Voice faint, you just barely manage a reply. “어⋅⋅⋅⋅⋅⋅.” Yeah…
The tail end of the sound tapers off as your eyes busy themselves with tracing the physical features of the boy standing before you. What’s different? His eyes, nose, and lips are the same. His hair is dyed light brown and he’s styled it to be more swoopy than it was before. His voice is a bit deeper. His height has definitely sprouted. And of course, there’s that dreadful knee brace, and his crutches.
But what else? Something’s different. Something important. It has to be. Something logically has to explain why your body has stiffened so much. Just as a multiple choice question can only have one best answer, there must be a correct explanation somewhere out there.
Sensing something in the silence, he clears his throat. “안 본 사이에 어떻게 지냈어?” How have you been since the last time I saw you?
It’s not just a light greeting. He’s actually earnestly asking, judging by the hint of worry found in the light crinkle between his brows.
Suddenly fatigued, your eyes fall to the tiled floor. High school has been rough. Your dull life is dictated by exam scores and CSAT studies and law school preparation. But it certainly can’t be any worse than he’s been doing. That hideous grey chunk of plastic attached to his left leg speaks for itself.
And so, the words robotically fall out of your mouth. “뭐, 잘지내고 있지.” Ah, I’m good.
A sharp bout of coughing and the obnoxious squeaking of sneakers causes you to turn your head to the door. On their way out, three classmates wave at you, and you wave back.
Gently, he asks, “진짜?” Really?
“어?” you say distractedly, still watching the last student leave. Huh?
“너⋅⋅⋅⋅⋅⋅ 진짜 괜찮아?” You… are you really okay?”
Your eyes snap back to him, taking in his strangely concerned eyes. His facial features are familiar, but the expression he’s making is alien. Has he always been so serious-looking? Your right hand twitches, as if you almost want to reach out and smooth down the crease between his eyebrows.
What happened to the boy who loved fooling around so much that he regularly scraped his knees on the playground? What became of the silly boy who didn’t care about the scars on his legs, as long as he got to play soccer? Was that boy—the one you used to carry Band-Aids in your back pocket for—really the same as the one standing before you? When that boy left to chase his dreams, you had figured that you’d see him again when he made it to a national team. Never in a million years would you have imagined that he could change. That he would get hurt. That he’d fail to go pro.
So if there’s anyone who should be asked that deadly question, it would be him. Granted, he probably won’t answer. It’s obvious, and pointing out things that are obvious tend to wound the heart.
You say it anyway. “너는?” What about you?
“나는?” Me? With wide, bewildered eyes, he points at himself with confusion.
You nod. Is he even okay?
If he should be worried about anyone, it should be himself. Unless he talks about how he’s feeling, you’re not about to talk about how you’re feeling. And with half the school whispering—both behind his back and sometimes right in front of him—about his career-ending ACL tear, it’s clear that he isn’t keen on harping on it.
He frowns, but it’s closer to a pout than a scowl.
You glance at the small clock nailed to the wall. It’s almost time for him to go to his physical therapy appointment. If he leaves now, he’ll probably be able to make it on time.
You stand up from your chair. Hauling your school bag over your shoulders, you grab your lunch box and turn toward the door, as if you’re going to head out immediately.
He immediately protests. “야, 어디가?” Hey, where are you going?
Scrambling to grab the book bag he haphazardly threw on the floor, but unable to bend his left knee very well, he looks at you with wide, frantic eyes.
“됐어, 내가 들게.” Relax, I’ll take it.
You turn around and swipe his bag off the floor. It’s so lightweight, you almost laugh. Does he have any books in there at all? Squishing the material down so that the second backpack doesn’t obscure your vision, you walk toward the door.
As you step out into the hall, you call out to him. “뭐해, 안 따라오고?” What are you doing, not following me?
“어? 같이 가! 같이 가자고!” he shouts desperately, finally getting a hold of himself. Huh? Let’s go together! I said ‘let’s go together!’
Like an injured puppy who still wants to play outside, he scrambles to push in his chair before hobbling over with his crutches. A faint curve traces your lips as you lean against the door, holding it open for him.
Okay, maybe some things haven’t changed that much.
2015년 11월 27일 | 2015 November 27 (+7 days)
It’s freezing outside. Wrapped in a thick coat, you rub your exposed palms together, staring blankly at the busy night road. November in Seoul is always cold, but it feels a little bit icier than usual today. Your ears and hands are going numb. As you exhale a puff of condensation, you close your eyes briefly, only for someone to call out your name.
“안녕!” Hey!
You turn around to see a boy with a bright face and fanged smile, which sparks a relieved wave from you. He’s dressed in a cable knit sweater and a thick coat, and it seems that he dyed his hair since the last time you saw him, because it’s a silvery grey now. Though he got rid of the crutches a few days ago, you can see the plastic parts of the ugly brace peeking through the material of his pants.
“안녕,” you reply casually. Hi.
“안녕, 뭐해 여기서? 방가워, 안녕!” Hey, what are you doing here? It’s so nice to see you, hi!
He rounds out the end of the last greeting with a hesitant little wave of his hand, as if he wasn’t sure if a hug would be appropriate. The wave is followed by a sheepish glance to the shops to the right of the sidewalk, before he turns his gaze back to you.
A small laugh escapes you. He’s acting weird. As a kid, he never thought twice about his actions. Is he nervous or something?
Seemingly proud that he made you laugh, he musters the courage to keep talking. “집에 가는 길이야?” Are you on your way home?
Unfortunately for him, teasing him is your newfound favorite pastime, so you say, “어.” Yeah.
You state it dryly, like it’s obvious, but it’s a lie. Lately, you’ve taken to dropping him off and picking him up from his physical therapy appointments. It’d be stranger if you didn’t show up for him. He knows it, too, judging by his initial lack of alarm.
When you remain silent, though, his excitement crumbles into panic. You can just see his eyes shaking with the idea that your dismissal could be potentially real. Well, you can’t have him worried about that, can you?
Before he pouts again, you quickly add, “근데 시간이 좀 있어.” But I have some time.
At that, he relaxes, then tenses again. With a nervous laugh, he asks, “그래? 그럼 우리⋅⋅⋅⋅⋅⋅ 커피 마시러 갈래?” Really? Then should we… get coffee?
After pretending to weigh your options for a few seconds, you hum and nod your head. “그래.” Sure.
He brightens immediately, like a puppy given a treat, and the sight of his earnest happiness makes your heart beat faster.
For a moment, you wonder what you’re really doing right now with him. Hanging out? Babysitting? Chauffeuring? Since when did your dynamic go from you chasing him around the playground to you chasing him around town? Well, maybe it doesn’t matter what you call it. You know you’ll follow him anywhere, or at least for the months leading up to his full recovery.
You’re quick to fall in step with him when he finally takes off, probably toward whatever coffee shop is nearest. His stride is shorter due to the hinged knee brace attached to his left leg, so you slow down your steps to match his pace.
The intense wind is making it hard to breathe through your nose, so you inhale the crisp night air through your mouth. As you exhale, your eye catches a rather large lamp post. It clearly obstructs the sidewalk. With the way you’re walking at a similar pace right next to each other, that’s bound to cause a problem. An accident-prone boy like him shouldn’t walk near the road and any weird poles.
Frowning, you gently grab his arm to try and maneuver him over to where the stores are. Although your arms strain, he doesn’t really budge. You tug a little harder. He tilts his head in confusion, but his body eventually moves in the direction of your insistent arm.
You belatedly explain, “안 쪽으로 걸어. 위험하잖아.” Walk on the inside. It’s dangerous.
Eyebrows raised, he blinks innocently for a few seconds, then nods slowly in understanding. He momentarily averts eye contact, choosing to randomly examine the signs of the stores across the street as he walks forward.
You can hardly feel your face anymore from the wind and the cold, but you have to ask about how his training went. With frozen lips, you ask, “PT는 어땠어?” How was PT?
He responds quickly. “좋았어.” It was good.
You narrow your eyes at him. “진짜?” Really?
“어.” Yeah. He lets out a small puff of air, then sniffles.
His nose is flushed like Rudolph, and the realization brings a slew of childhood memories. Like when you made fun of his red, runny nose while going sledding, and when he made fun of you right back for being unable to build a snowman. (He’d cried, complaining that his snot wasn’t something he could control. You’d cried too, complaining that you really could build the best snowman if your limbs weren’t numbed by the cold.)
You laugh, nudging his side with your right elbow. “춥지?” Cold?
Your right arm reflexively moves to loosely wrap around his shoulders, but you fall short, which is somewhat upsetting because you’ve never once miscalculated when you were kids. Your arm bends awkwardly while you try to accommodate for the height difference and the huge puffer jacket he’s wearing. In about two seconds, you give up pursuing his shoulders, and settle for wrapping your arm around his mid-back.
It’s strangely familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time. That is, to warm up his core with a half-hug, just like he used to do for you. Even back in elementary school, your mother said you had to take care of each other. So while you ran after him with bandages in the summer, he ran after you with hand warmers and mittens in the winter.
After your arm comfortably finds its way around him, he leans into your touch. Maybe it’s because of the puffer, but he feels like a radiator. He wraps his warm left arm around your waist with ease, as if he’s done it dozens of times before—which he has, technically.
With a hint of satisfaction curling on his lips, he says, “이제 괜찮은데?” Now, I think I’m okay?
“Good,” you say with a content sigh.
It really is important that he conserves his body heat. It would be horrible if he arrived back home with a cold.
“Good!” He repeats the word cutely, with a thick Korean accent that cuts off the end of the last consonant. “요즘에 영어 좀 배운다고 했지?” You said you were learning English lately, right?
You shrug, averting eye contact as you try to avoid thinking about the virtual English tutoring sessions you’ve been having with your cousin, who lives in the States. It’s expected of you to know English if you’re going to apply to American law schools after college.
“너 아직도 미국에서 일하고 싶어?” Do you still want to work in the US?
Your dry reply is automatic. “어.” Yeah.
Maybe if you pretend that it’s what you want, it’ll really become what you want. Just maybe. But you don’t really have a choice in the matter, anyway. Half of your family lives in the States, working in the legal department of some stupid international company. It’s your duty to follow in their footsteps. To maintain your ranking at the top of your high school class, achieve a stellar CSAT score, get into a top university in Seoul, get accepted to a top American law school, get hired by Pleiades Corporation, and work for the rest of your life.
When you didn’t qualify for the best high schools with your poor middle school grades, you thought your life was over. It was a miracle you even got a last chance at achieving the life expected of you through the college crap shoot, of which results are pending release in December and January. Your recollection of the past three years of high school is a grey blur of libraries and hagwons where you’d studied for hours on end. Your solace was in secretly reading web novels and, if you were lucky, eating malatang if cram school ended early.
And while there certainly are worse lives to live, you have only ever experienced this one—this superficial yet somehow sharp life that claws shame deep into you in the name of filial piety and submission to authority and the wisdom that comes with more life experience. It’s a fate that many students around the nation are subject to, but its ubiquitous condition has not limited its impact.
If the boy walking along your side doesn’t believe your claim about wanting to work in America, he doesn’t say anything about it.
In fact, he doesn’t say anything at all. He’s become deep in thought, with the way that his eyes are trained on one place of empty space and how his left hand flexes every so often against your waist. He looks far away.
You haven’t spoken for around a minute, and maybe you said that last word with a bit of attitude unconsciously, making him think that you were annoyed at him? Your heart sinks at the idea of making him feel bored or unwanted, accidentally or not. Whatever the reason, it does make sense that he’d be spacing out. You don’t really have any interesting stories to tell him. You’re not a funny person. You can’t help him fix his knee. All you really do is protect him from bumping into things. So you can’t hold his zoning out against him. Actually, you’ve never held anything against him—except for maybe leaving you all those years ago.
…But he’s here now, and you forgive him, so does that immature resentment really matter anymore?
All of a sudden, he moves. He nods reverently at nothing in particular. As if observing a surrealist painting from a museum, you stare at him with fascination. The mole at the tip of his nose stands out even more with how red his face has gotten from the cold. What on Earth could he be thinking so seriously about? Is he going to ask you about the States again? Surely not?
With a lopsided smile, he turns his gaze to you and says, “내가 알아봤던 커피샵이 있어, 언젠가 너랑 한번 같이 가고싶었던 곳. 어때? 괜찮아?” There’s a coffee shop I looked into, I wanted to go with you some time. What do you think? Are you okay with that?
There’s an odd weight to his words. It makes you slow down. Swallowing roughly, you search his body language for ounces of either superficiality or sincerity. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think that he really is just talking about the café. But his sparkling eyes are framed with tense eyebrows. His smile is measured with restraint. He’s removed his hand from your waist, and he now grasps your right hand so tightly you can feel his warmth over the numbing cold.
And then you know. You just know that he gets how you really feel. That he sees through the facade you’ve spent the last three years building. That he’s choosing not to talk about it because he can tell you don’t want to. That he cares about you. That he knows you, truly and deeply, like no one’s ever known you before.
You nod, and he smiles.
Radiantly, like the sun. Unabashedly, like he’s yours. His eyes are crinkled at the corners and his lips look so happy curled up and his cute little fangs are exposed and suddenly everything going wrong in your life escapes you. An unfamiliar smile—a long hidden, real, and raw one—takes hold of your wind-whipped face. Like an absolute maniac, or maybe a girl in love, you’re just beaming from ear to ear, and you can’t even stop it in the name of maintaining some semblance of normality upon finally approaching the café! And, well, why should you? It’s so special! Oh, it’s so special! To be taken to the café he spent his precious time finding for you…
A few more steps and he suddenly halts, double-checking the name of the place before he opens the front door.
You almost run into him, but thankfully you stop right before tripping on his boot. The ordeal happens in about three seconds but it’s enough to decrease the shocking angle of that ridiculous smile on your face. You have to get a hold of yourself! Whatever happened to the calm, cool level head you’ve prided yourself for having throughout all of high school?
“짠! 들어와,” he says with a sheepish look, opening the door with his hip. Ta-da! Come in.
No surprise, it’s a cozy small café. Enveloped in a blanket of warm air, you sniffle and sigh happily in relief.
Although your right hand was a bit warmed up by his touch, your left and both of your uncovered ears were practically on the verge of falling off. You wouldn’t want it any other way, though. While you probably could’ve walked into a nearby shop instead of waiting outside, you didn’t want to be kicked out for loitering, since you couldn’t buy anything. Since your parents made you spend all your time studying, you didn’t have time for a job, and your meager allowance barely afforded your malatang cravings. After a week, you hardly had enough money on you for a small drink.
You reluctantly let go of his hand as you follow him up to the counter, then stand somewhat awkwardly to the side as he orders. Hopefully, he’d make it quick. You’ll watch him drink his drink, and then you can usher him back home. He’s been out in the cold for far too long.
After scanning the menu, he looks at you with such a tender gaze it makes your cheeks heat up. Why does he…? Does he even know that he’s been strangely intense these days? In the last week, you’ve almost had whiplash. Sometimes it seems as if he’s been here the entire time, and other times, it’s like he’s a total stranger whose inner thoughts are utterly unknown to you.
He asks, “뭐 마실래? 나는⋅⋅⋅⋅⋅⋅” What do you want? I want…
You shake your head and wave your right hand rapidly, trying to convey that you don’t need to drink anything, but he misses it, turning to the cashier instead.
“저는 바닐라 라떼 아이—어, 따뜻한 거로 하나 주시고요.” I would like a vanilla latte, ice—uh, hot, please. And—
He turns to you. “너는?” he asks, smiling at the sight of your protest. “알았어 내가 추천해줄게. 에스프레소 어때?” For you? Okay, I’ll recommend one for you. How about an espresso?
You shake your head again.
He murmurs, “별로야? 그러면⋅⋅⋅⋅⋅⋅.” So-so? Then…
He turns to the cashier again, then says, “바닐라 라떼 따뜻한 거 하나 만 주세요.” Please give me just one hot vanilla latte.
Before you can blink, he’s paying for the 7,400 won transaction, and asking you if you’re okay. “밖에 추운데 왜 서있었어?” Why were you just standing outside in the cold?
You shrug, unable to really look at him, now that he’s gone and paid for your drink.
Should you thank him? No, wait—he probably wants you to pay him back later, what are you thinking? It’s not like he sees you like a girl, you’re just one of his old friends. Besides, he has way too much on his plate for a silly romance. He has to re-learn how to use his left leg and re-learn how to study, now that he won’t be held to athlete standards during college admissions. To him, you’re probably just the too-serious, annoying mom friend. The forgettable one who’s only there because his mother assigned a buddy to him. She had consulted her best friend (your mother) about her fears that her son would trip on snow and fall down without anyone to help him. Even without the ACL injury, he’s the kind of guy that trips on air, so you definitely understood where her worries were coming from.
But hey, even if you technically volunteered yourself to help your mom’s friend’s son, he definitely didn’t volunteer to get babysat by you every other day. It would be silly to think that any teenaged boy would enjoy getting supervised like a baby. If you were in his shoes, you’d probably be feeling suffocated by now, with all the attention on his leg.
You sniffle. You should probably stop thinking and overcomplicating everything. Your hands are slowly regaining feeling, which is unnervingly tingly, so you rub them together for a few seconds. It’s a good distraction and a way to soothe the after effects of the cold.
When you look back up at him, there’s a fold in between his eyebrows. He quickly grabs the receipt and motions for you to follow him to the back.
As he walks, he stammers, “방가워, 만나서⋅⋅⋅⋅⋅⋅.” It’s nice to see you…
He hastily sits down by one of the tables, adjusting the position of his leg as he waits for you to get there. He’s taken the chair, so you’ll have to sit in the booth area.
You scrunch your nose. Why does he keep saying the same greeting over and over again? He’s definitely being weird today. You frown, checking the clock on the opposite side of the café as you toss your backpack down on the booth cushion. You should be heading back soon. His mother will get worried.
As you shuffle into the seat, you turn your gaze to him. He’s brought an arm up to his neck, rubbing it like he’s trying to find the right words to express his thoughts. It seems that his leg-shaking habit hasn’t changed since middle school, either. His right leg is popping up and down like dancing popcorn kernels.
As soon as you sit down, he bashfully admits, “나 지금 왜 이리 떨리니?” Why am I so nervous right now?
At that, you furrow your eyebrows. Did you hear him wrong?
No, he definitely said that he was nervous.
“왜?” The worry flies out of your mouth without you realizing it. Why?
Why would he be nervous? Your heart rate exponentially increases. Seriously, why on Earth would he be nervous?
Did the MRI results come in? Is his knee in a good place for recovery? Is it bad? Has he been in a lot of pain, secretly? If the MRI came back badly, what did Dr. Kang have to say about it?
Did the doctor say he has to get surgery again, after all? She had said that if his knee didn’t improve with physical therapy, he might need to go through a second surgery. That would mean that physical therapy isn’t working, but that isn’t what he’s been claiming. He’s always waved it off, saying that PT went well.
Is it possible that his physical therapist said the condition of his leg is worsening? Or maybe, has progress been stagnant, and he didn’t want to admit it? God, how much pain has been in?
Is he going to be okay? No, is he even okay right now?
As if still finding out the right words to use, he says one word before trailing off. “나⋅⋅⋅⋅⋅⋅.” I…
He swallows thickly, eyebrows furrowed as if he’s hurt.
Wide-eyed, you search for fear in his eyes. Unable to take it anymore, you blurt something at the same time he finally spits it out.
“너 어디 아파?” Are you hurt anywhere?
“나 너 좋아해.” I like you.
2016년 11월 12일 | 2016 November 12 (+1 year)
“와.” Wow. Jun speaks up first, glancing at Joshua with a wave of both secondhand embarrassment and jealousy.
You get that a lot.
Joshua agrees, addressing your boyfriend with an unserious wiggle of his eyebrows. “아주 좋아 죽겠네, 좋아 죽겠어.” You really must love each other to death, you’re just dying to look at her.
He waves it off, speaking quickly. “나는 당당히 우리 멤버들에게 너를 만난다고 포게”—he halts momentarily, trying not to laugh at his verbal slip up—“소개하고 싶어.” In front of our members, I want to confidently droduce—introduce you as my girlfriend.
Upon hearing him stumble over his words, you can’t help but smile fondly. You were lucky to be going to the same college as him, and even more lucky that he found a family away from home in Sebong. He had coincidentally picked up dancing while rehabilitating his left knee, and as his stability grew better and better, dance became a passion for him. You’d expected him to try out for dance groups on campus, but you had no idea that he’d join such a close-knit 13-member community!
Around the third week of the semester, when he had just passed auditions, he attended a congratulatory dinner with all the other Sebong members. That was when you saw Joshua, Jun, and a few other members for the first time.
He pats your left thigh gently, then addresses Jun and Joshua. “인사해,” he tells them, saying your name. Say hi. “내 여자친구야. 옛날에 그때 우리 고기 먹으러 갔었을때 본 적 있지?” This is my girlfriend. You met her at the BBQ place a while ago, right?
“본 적 있지,” says Joshua with a strained smile, eyeing your boyfriend like he’s a weirdo. Which, to be fair, he totally is. A very sweet one.
Jun and Joshua look at each other and share a grin before sending a polite bow and wave your way. You bow slightly back in return, pressing your lips together as you contemplate what to say. It does feel a bit awkward to act formally in front of people you already know too much about, despite not having officially met. Well, it’s both a touch embarrassing and a touch entertaining. You’re pretending that your boyfriend hasn’t told you that Joshua is a crazy aquaphile and that Jun is an odd cat—and they’re pretending he hasn’t told them some strange story or another about you!
The entire team is famous for being funnier than the campus comedy group, so it’s not surprising that they immediately recruited your boyfriend, who takes jokes made at his expense quite well. (He’s complained to you before that they just make fun of him and then clap him on the back for responding well to their teasing, even though he tries not to react at all.) It’s all in good fun, though, because within a few months, Sebong has become almost as tightly knit as you and him are.
“So, you’re from LA?” you ask Joshua.
He responds, “Yeah. Hey, your accent’s pretty good, how do you know English?”
“Half of my family lives in the States.”
He raises his eyebrows. “Oh, cool, where?”
“Queens.”
“Oh that’s nice. I’ve actually visited Manhattan before, but not Queens. Would you ever live there?”
You start to nod automatically, then freeze as you realize that you’ve done it again—mindlessly agreeing. You agree when your parents and neighbors and teachers say you’d be a good lawyer, and you confirm when friends and acquaintances ask if you’re planning on working in the States. Why is it that you just let other people think that your future is in law? God, what happened to your New Year’s resolution of figuring out whether you actually want to go abroad or not? Getting into a second-rate university already waters down your chances of getting into an American law school, but your family is still insistent on you going down that path.
If you didn’t do law, what would you do, anyway? You hated Math and Science in school. Korean, English, and History were technically more bearable. So it’s not like a career in science would be any more appealing or doable than pursuing law. And if you were to apply to jobs with an undergraduate degree in humanities, it’s not like you’d have a ton of stable options. The most obvious career paths fall into law or teaching, and you definitely can’t picture yourself being patient enough to handle teaching. It’s horrendous. To think—it’s your life, and you don’t even know what you want to do with it!
Why don’t you ever have anything to say when your family asks you what else you could even do if you didn’t do law? It would be more reasonable to hate their judgment if they denied some dream of yours—if they said you couldn’t be an elementary school teacher or a museum curator. But they haven’t, because you’ve never wanted anything like that, and you’ve certainly never asked. So why do you let this resentment silently build against them, when you can’t even express what you want?
You hate this, being indecisive to the bone. You can’t breathe, under the weight of it all! All your life, your family has always made the decisions for you. You’ve never not followed their instruction. But now you’re an adult. Legally, you have the right to make your own decisions. So why can’t you do it? Under the weight of your uncertain future, your chest feels like a truck has crashed into it. A truck carrying the hopes and dreams you wish you could say you have, except you don’t have any dreams at all! No, nothing at all… why is that?
And then it occurs to you, all at once, that you’re likely acting very oddly. Who freezes midway in a perfectly normal conversation?
How many seconds of silence have passed? Has it been minutes? You should probably say something about now. Wait, what was it that he had said exactly? Oh, it doesn’t matter. Say something, anything, anything at all! Like… Yes, something, something like—
Something about…? Anything!
God, why can’t you think of anything?
Your boyfriend clears his throat and suddenly stands up, jolting you out of your spiraling. He quickly taps on your back, and you numbly stand up as well.
He says, “사실 우리 이제 가야 할 것 같아. 우연히 만나서 너무 반가운데 내일 연습실에 만나자!“ Actually I think we have to go right now. It’s so nice to meet you coincidentally but I’ll see you tomorrow at the practice room!
With that, he grabs your arm and drags you out of the restaurant. You hardly have a chance to breathe in the shuffle, not to mention say goodbye!
When you finally make it outside, he acts like nothing odd happened at all.
“뭐야?” What was that? Bewildered, you stare at him with mild concern.
He shrugs, then quietly says, “그냥.” Just ‘cause.
You shake your head. Does he want you to say something?
He rubs the back of his neck, then sheepishly says,“쉬 매려워.” I have to pee.
You narrow your eyes at him. He easily could have just gone into the restaurant bathroom. There was no logical reason for that whole fiasco. You were having a perfectly fine discussion with his American friend. No issues at all.
“Okay?” you say reluctantly.
You turn away from him to start walking along the sidewalk. You catch a glimpse of his face right before you do, and you swallow thickly. His casual words might have tried to mask it, but his worried gaze is obvious and unnecessarily burdensome. He has better things to be worried about.
His next word stops you. “괜찮아?” Are you okay?
You blink rapidly, averting eye contact as you deflect. “너는?” Are you?
He breathes in deeply. Deeply enough that you can hear his steady inhale and controlled exhale.
“와봐,” he says softly, then takes you in his arms. C’mere.
You protest at the sudden public display of affection. “뭐 하는 거야—” What are you doing—
“가만히 있어봐,” he scolds, wrapping his arms tighter around you. Hold still.
So you do. You hold still.
You exhale shakily, and you let him hold you.
2017년 3월 15일 | 2017 March 15 (+1 year)
The east-end campus café isn’t usually so empty. It also doesn’t usually have a barista manning the counter two hours past closing. But today, it does, and you’re it’s lucky visitor.
Your eyes scan appreciatively over the figure of a tall, slender guy carefully making drip coffee at the counter.
“오! 커피 만들때 섹시한 남자!” Oh! A guy who looks sexy while making coffee!
Your boyfriend flushes, looking down shyly as you call out unabashedly at him. “쉿!” Shh!
“아무도 없는데 뭐,” you say with a pout. There’s no one around anyway.
He giggles, and the sound is like a musical chime to your ears. “알겠어, 알겠어.” Okay, okay.
Today is White Day, but you haven’t been able to see him until tonight. He’s been busy with rehearsals for the upcoming dance showcase, and you’ve been bogged down with papers for your history courses. The essays definitely are crying out for help, but they can wait.
He places the coffee mug down with a flourish of his hands, and you can’t help but laugh at how ridiculous it is. He bites his lip apprehensively as you take your first sips. At the taste of the clean roast, you widen your eyes and give him a thumbs up.
“괜찮아?” Is it okay?
“맛있어,” you say assuredly. Tastes good.
He breathes a sigh of relief, and you laugh at the sight of the worry between his brows smoothening.
“이게 뭐, 큰 일이야?” you joke. What is this, a big deal?
“어,” he deadpans, then giggles again. His fangs peek adorably out. “바리스타의 진심.” Yes, a barista’s honest work.
You reach across the counter to pat him on the, congratulating him like you would an ecstatic golden retriever that captured a frisbee. “아이구, 우리 규 잘했네!” Aigoo, our Gyu did so well!
He withdraws slightly to show you his exaggerated pout, which you press a fleeting kiss to.
He smiles brightly as you take another sip of the mug. When his phone buzzes, you remember about the scam in his DMs that he texted you a photo of earlier that morning.
You clear your throat. “Hey, did you talk to that guy?”
“누구?” Who?
“알잖아, 그 modeling agent.” You know, the modeling agent.
“어?” Huh? He purses his lips in confusion before registering the English words. “아, 그 그캐스팅 매니저?” Oh, the casting manager?
You raise your eyebrows. He’s suddenly gotten tense.
“왜? 그 사람이 뭐라고 말했는데? 설마 모델을 하레?” Why? What did that person say? No way, did he ask you to model?
He nods slowly.
You raise your eyebrows and clap excitedly. “헐… 스캠인줄! 뭐라고 대답했는데?” Wow… I thought it was a scam! What did you say?
“생각 해본다고…” That I’d think about it…
“생각할 것이 뭔데?” What’s there to think about?
“캐스팅이 우리가 데트 잡았던 날이라서,” he says. The casting date is for when we planned our date.
You wave your hand at him insistently. “Reschedule 하면 되잖아.” We can just reschedule.
He nods slowly, contemplative.
You can’t help a smile. It’s cute that he’s so worried. Come on, what’s the harm in pushing back a date? He should go for his career!
2025년 3월 15일 | 2025 March 15 (+10 years)
Lee Dokyeom checks all the boxes.
For one, he’s genuinely kind. He’s polite to waiters and tips well. He holds the door open to every establishment he enters and exits for at least ten strangers. He asks about the little happenings in your life. He’s also financially stable, so he can afford to take you to all the sites you’ve never seen. He seems to be effortlessly happy, all the time. Even during breaks in conversation, he tends to have a goofy smile spread across his face. The nickname your closest friend has assigned him, “Happy Virus,” is an apt description. He’s so straightforward with his affection, you never have to guess what he’s thinking—he makes it clear that you’re the only person on his mind.
“He’s perfect! He’s marriage material!” exclaims your roommate Minsi, her loud voice standing out amongst the buzz of other conversations in this café. She waves her hand in an accusatory fashion at you.
You stifle a laugh. Her seat is directly across the table from you, which is so small that there’s hardly a need for such large hand motions. Nevertheless, Minsi is Minsi. Her index finger flashes outward, nearly striking your nose with how close it is to your face.
You don’t move, though, instead opting for a frown. “I don’t know,” is all you can manage to say in reply.
She tsks, clicking her tongue in a rather annoying way. “If you don’t know, who knows?”
You grimace. “Okay, 아줌마.” Okay, ahjumma.
“What are we gonna do about you?” she asks rhetorically, shaking her head in mock concern. “Come on, how are you supposed to get to know the love of your life if you’re not putting yourself out there?”
“Dokyeom is hardly the love of my life,” you scoff.
“아니, 왜?” she groans. But, why? “You’ve gone on like, one date with him. How do you know for sure?”
You defend, “Whenever I hear wedding stories, they always say, ‘oh, I knew on the first date, I knew he was the one,’ whatever. But what I’m saying is, I didn’t. I didn’t feel it, so he can’t be the one! How is the logic any different?”
Minsi stirs her iced tea with disapproval, pinching the straw with her thumb and pointer fingers. She scrunches her nose, tilting her chin upward as she tries to coax you to change your mind.
“Come on, this is the closest anyone’s ever got! It’s a miracle you even gave him your number. I half-thought he was going to faint before you finished typing it into his phone.”
You faintly wince, recalling the way Dokyeom had walked up to you that day. “Yeah…”
Sure, people have come up to you at clubs and bars and restaurants, but a used bookstore? That was new. What’s more, while most of the people who have hit on you were more or less masters of the pick up craft, the same certainly could not be said for the trembling man. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that he was shaking like a leaf when he asked what book you were looking at. What was running through your mind as you processed that pick-up line of his: “Could I ask what book you’re reading, if that’s okay?”
You exhale deeply, closing your eyes as you remember the fiasco vividly, as if it happened just hours ago. Just one look at his sparkling eyes and flustered body language, and you’d clocked him as the sweet and innocent type. The kind of guy who wants to make people laugh and has a major case of people pleasing, judging by the way he’d tripped on his words and stammered that he could just go away if you wanted.
“Well,” you open your eyes with a sigh, “you saw him.”
His eager but unsure approach gave you a wave of deja vu. His behavior was similar to that of a curious puppy—cute enough to warrant a warm reply, at the very least. As expected, after a few minutes of small talk, he bashfully asked if he could get to know you better.
“Oh, come on, it wasn’t that bad,” she laughs.
“Mmh.” You don’t disagree, but you don’t exactly voice your agreement either.
You shake your head, thinking back to Minsi’s reaction when it first happened. At the other end of the science fiction aisle, she’d strongly eyed you down, as if it would be stupid not to accept. If not for her advocacy, you might have turned him down. But, then again, you can’t entirely put the blame on her. It’s not like you’d lacked a will of your own. It had been a long time since you met someone with such a happy-go-lucky personality.
Somewhere between his stuttering and fumbling, your eyes saw double, a subconscious part of your brain diverging from the main conversation to chase after memories starting from a decade ago. Recollections of laughter-filled late night coffee runs and fleeting touches from accidental meetings. Echoes of love and pain.
And maybe it was cruel to give Dokyeom your number because he reflected a ghost from the past, but if you were honest about your intentions—which you were, you’d made it very clear that you wanted to take things slow, post-breakup—what harm could it do? At this point in your life, you thought you might as well see where any vaguely romantic exchange could go.
But after going on one date with him, you left feeling more awkward than excited.
“I don’t know.” You press your lips together for a few seconds, wondering how best to explain this to her. “He’s decent, but I just don’t feel anything click, y’know?”
“Why?”
You sigh. “I just feel like he might be a bit overcautious about everything. I mean, asking before skinship is one thing, but asking for permission to ask about my favorite ramen brand is another. Why does he have to ask two questions to make a single point? Plus, he sent me three super long texts about how much he thought we connected, and I just… didn’t feel that. There was zero chemistry, so I have no idea where he’s getting that from.”
Recognition dawns on Minsi. She claps, then says, “Oh, right, this is what you were talking about earlier.” She waves her hand with a silly smile. “Come on, he’s just a Consent King. Maybe he was afraid of the convo dying, or something.”
You can’t help but laugh at the nickname, then groan as you contemplate reliving that.
“Aw, aren’t you being too hard on him?” she insists, then sips on her tea. “Based on what you’re saying, I really don’t think he’s that bad.”
The volume of your voice increases. “You don’t get it. It was like he memorized a list of first date questions and jokes!”
“Hey, give the man a break,” she says, laughing again. “He was probably just super nervous.”
You shake your head, murmuring, “Honestly…”
Another sigh escapes your mouth. Who knows, maybe you’re the weird one looking down on a supposed “nice guy” in the wild.
“Well, what’s the final verdict, then?” Minsi asks, yawning as she stirs her half-empty tea cup. “Are you finally going to tell me what’s wrong with Mr. Right? Come on, you met him on White Day, that’s so romantic!”
“Just because I gave him my number, doesn’t mean I’m going to marry him,” you finally say dryly, exhaling roughly at the thought of reliving that first date.
“Okay, but since when do you do that? You never do that!” she retorts.
You blink silently, wondering what to say in return. It’s true, you’re not usually one to give your number out.
Then again, not every stranger who hits on you reminds you of what you once had.
She raises her eyebrows. “Maybe it’s because you saw something in him, subconsciously.”
You freeze awkwardly, then force a laugh. Fidgeting with the rings adorning your left index and middle fingers, you try to pass your behavior off as a sarcastic reaction to her obnoxious facial expressions. God, she knows you a little too well.
“뭐래.” What are you on about? Defensively, you look down at your rings and blurt, “You know I’m over him.”
When you raise your head, there’s a glint of sadness in Minsi’s eyes, and her lips have curled downwards into a sympathetic frown.
“I didn’t say that,” she says softly.
You swallow roughly, averting eye contact again.
Unfortunately, you were never the subtle type, and Minsi is the most perceptive person you know. And to some, it might seem strange that your friend is pushing so hard for you to start dating again. In fact, she’s probably more desperate for you to get a partner than you are. But if the scripts were flipped, maybe you’d be trying hard to set her up too.
It’d be pretty shocking if your hopeless-romantic best friend suddenly broke up with her long-term boyfriend for “mutual reasons,” then stayed single for almost half a decade.
You still haven’t told her the truth about why you really accepted Dokyeom’s advances that day. Mostly because you’re too ashamed to even bring your ex’s name up, since you’ve always insisted that you’re over him. Minsi doesn’t need to know that you check up on him once in a while, or that his mom still sends you greeting cards every holiday.
And considering your reaction to that first date with Dokyeom, stepping back into the infinitesimal dating pool seems so futile.
Five years post-breakup, your ex is probably traveling the world as a model—likely dating someone new, too. (Although you wouldn’t know about his dating life, because you ended up blocking him on every social media platform two weeks after the break up to focus on working. That’s what you told yourself, at least.) Meanwhile, you’re sitting in your hometown coffee shop with the same best friend you had 10 years ago, who keeps insisting that you download Hinge again.
What are the odds that you will ever find anyone who makes you feel like he did? Considering that you haven’t found anyone new in the past five years, it seems like your last relationship might really be the last one.
You swallow thickly, stiffening your back as you contemplate your loveless future.
“Maybe I’m done,” you say with a defeated sigh. “Maybe, this is it for me.”
“야, 그런 말 좀 하지마!” Minsi scowls. Hey, don’t say that! “Why are you pushing Mr. Happy Virus away? I don’t get it. I’m telling you, your perfect man is right there, and he wants to go out with you!”
You wrinkle your nose. Your “perfect man,” really?
“Is he, though?” you retort. You slump forward, then set your elbow down against the table to rest your heavy head against it. “Is he the perfect man for me? Maybe he’s the perfect man for someone else, y’know? Come on, Mins, I feel like he doesn’t even know me.”
“Well, how is he supposed to know you if you don’t go out with him?” she says matter-of-factly, narrowing her eyes at your slouching figure.
At that, you’re at a loss for words.
Well, she’s technically right.
Masterlist
Author's Note: hv u ever seen a 8k word teaser? uh me neither but it's literally been in the works since april so #habituallyiscomingsoonipromise!!
full playlist: Tear the Roof with a High Kick (Tear the Roof with a High Kick OST), Some (Soyou), Juna (Clairo), ONLY (LeeHi), You are my Girl (Tear the Roof with a High Kick OST), Fear (Seventeen), Moth to a Flame (The Weeknd), Once Again (Descendants of the Sun OST), Habit (Seventeen), back to friends (sombr), Someday, the Boy (Itaewon Class OST), Drowning (Woodz), I Miss You (Goblin OST), It's You (Ali Gatie), Still With You (Jungkook), Sudden Shower (Lovely Runner OST)
Disclaimer: nothing i write is representative of how svt acts off camera, take their names as stand-ins for oc's!!
for the anon who asked for a teaser of the mingyu fic, here’s a snippet. the time stamp will make more sense when u read the whole thing haha
2018년 10월 27일 | 2018 October 27 (-7 years)
It’s an average Saturday morning, and your boyfriend’s large frame is bent over on the ground of the kitchen. Wearing a set of classic pink rubber kitchen gloves, he’s hard at work, mixing up several ingredients inside a big bowl. 김장—kimchi-making—in the kitchen might not be the most romantic date for some people, but with him, anything is intimate. With the pride of a man who knows how to make side dishes well, he smiles as he grabs a piece of his freshly-made kimchi with his gloved fingers.
Carefully moving his gloved hand across the bowl to you, he turns his palms face up a few inches away from your face, revealing the kimchi.
Voice a little too loud, he exclaims, “Okay, yo! Try this! Spicy napa cabbage! 아, 해봐.” Say ‘ah.’
“아아아.” Ahhh. You gladly open your mouth, patiently waiting for him to come closer.
Only, as soon as the piece of kimchi touches your lips, he quickly withdraws his hand back to hover over the sizable mixing bowl. You narrow your eyes at him, only to see that the culprit has a smile plastered on his face.
“아아!” Ahh! You repeat louder, chin held up in defiance.
He giggles, then waves his hand back up in the air. “Hey, hey! Be patience.”
The smell of the kimchi is tantalizing, but you just can’t help but correct his grammar.
“It’s ‘patient,’ Gyu, not ‘patience,’” you say, laughing gently.
“That’s what I said!” he insists in a high-pitched voice, bangs falling into his eyes as he shakes his head a little too roughly, as if he’s a dog shaking bath water off of his fur.
“Nope,” you say, the corners of your lips curling upward at the sight of him.
Somehow, he’s both responsible and boyish. He makes it work.
“Hmph,” he huffs. “Open!”
You do exactly that, only for him to utterly miss! He swipes at the side of your lips instead. You’re absolutely sure it was intentional, judging by the self-satisfied smile on his face.
“Gyu!” you groan, clamping your lips together, narrowing your eyes at him.
“Sorry, sorry,” he giggles, finally nudging your lips open and placing the kimchi in your mouth.
A medley of rich flavors bursts in your mouth, and you can’t help but nod with wide eyes as you raise your thumb at him.
“It’s good?” he asks nervously, rubbing his hands together with the obnoxious pink gloves on.
Your boyfriend is by no means a small man, but his soft, unsure but hopeful gaze makes your heart clench with the desire to scoop him up and put him in your pocket. He’s a little ditzy, but he’s really cute, and super smart, and incredibly kind, and very caring, and he’s all yours.
But he knows that already, so you might as well have some fun with him while you’re at it.
“Really, really,” you say after running your tongue against your teeth, swallowing the last bit of pepper paste. “But I still don’t think you’re sorry.”
You pretend to sulk, jutting your bottom lip out in mock complaint. It’s your tried and true golden ticket to what you really want from him.
“Hey, hey! I’m sorry,” he quickly says, although you’re sure he sees through your act, waving his pink gloves in the air. He sounds out the English words slowly, saying, “I won’t do it again, I promise! How can I make it better?”
His lips always get a little poutier when he speaks a foreign language, and English is no exception. Your eyes can’t help but fall from his eyes, tracing the lines of his lips.
You pretend to contemplate, then smirk as you say, “I think I know a way.”
Unfortunately for your goal of carrying this fake sadness out for as long as possible, you have a terrible poker face. Your gaze is already trained on a feature of his that he, too, knows you adore.
One look at the object of your sparkling eyes, and how the corners of your lips have curled up, and your boyfriend knows exactly what you want. He knows you better than anyone else in your life, really, and he has a lot to show for it.
“Come here,” he says with a pout, motioning with his kimchi gloves for you to come closer.
He could just take the gloves off, like a normal person. But clearly, he wants to kiss you so much that he can’t think rationally at the moment!
Smiling, you stay where you are. If he can’t handle teasing, he shouldn’t dish it out. But he never learns, and you never really get mad at him when he does, because you get payback immediately in the form of more teasing. There’s never a day where you can’t poke fun at him, and he can’t do the same to you.
Frustrated that you won’t listen to him, he pats his thighs a little awkwardly using his elbow, and if it were anyone else, you’d probably burst out laughing. But it’s him, so the sight of him doing a very unsexy thing makes your heart flutter anyway.
Heeding his request, you shuffle forward, moving the large bowl of kimchi to your right. The distance between the two of you isn’t far at all, so in just two seconds, you’ve reached the space right before his thighs.
Kneeling, you straighten your back and bring your arms up to loosely wrap around his neck in an uncomfortably-distanced hug, given the space between the ground and his shoulders.
“올라와,” he says, blinking innocently, referring to his thighs. Come up.
“Hmm, I don’t know,” you say with a giggle. “Are you really sorry?”
He frowns cutely. “Heyy!” Frustrated with not being able to touch you and bring you in closer—in fear of ruining your clothes with kimchi juice—he groans, “Not fair.”
Against your will, your smile grows wider and wider. He’s probably the sweetest man you’ve ever met. And yeah, maybe you’re a little biased, but you can’t help what gets your heart racing.
He knows exactly what you want, and he wants it just as much as you, if not more. He sees through all your fake smiles, and knows when you’re feeling down. He has the best advice, knowing exactly what you’re feeling and how to help. He lives life boldly, unafraid to challenge the things that make him uncomfortable. There isn’t a moment in time where he hasn’t inspired you. He expresses his feelings deeply and earnestly.
Sometimes, people say they are not whole without their partners, but you think differently. You’d like to think that you were already whole on your own, before meeting him. If your soul could be characterized as a sphere, it’d be 100 percent filled up with self-love. It is just that with him, your sphere is showered with his embrace, making you 200 percent full of love. He really isn’t stingy with what he has.
He has so, so much love to give, that you like to think it manifests as a physical weighted blanket around your soul. Transcending physical barriers, it goes through the soft flesh and past the bones of your ribs, until it settles deep inside, wrapping around the valves of your heart. And with each thrum of the organ, you are made to feel his joy seep into every vessel in your body.
Upon staring into his boba eyes and witnessing his puppy-like pleading, you can’t help but give in, coming in closer and closer to his tanned face. Unable to stop yourself from teasing him any longer, you get up to settle down on his thighs, and he grins in satisfaction.
You lean in, but right before meeting his lips, you whisper, “장갑.” Gloves.
At first, he furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “뭐—” Wha—
And then his eyes widen as he exclaims, “아아! 아, 장갑!” Ah! Oh, the gloves!
Hastily peeling the pink rubber gloves off and placing them in the bowl of kimchi, he pounces for you, knocking over a bottle of fish sauce and who knows how many other ingredients he’d laid out on the ground. Thankfully, you’d closed the lids of all of them ten minutes ago, knowing how clumsy he is.
Before you can lean back to tease him again, he wraps you in his arms, enveloping you in a long-awaited kiss.
Leaning into it, you sigh happily.
His lips are plumped up from all the different rounds of spice testing you’ve tried, and they’re impossibly soft. All in a day’s work of kissing, if you’re being honest.
You giggle as he gently sucks on your top lip, wondering if he can taste the fruits of his labor from your mouth.
He, at least, tastes like home-made kimchi, and feels like home-made love. Looking at his bright, fanged smile from under you, you know you would do absolutely anything for him.
Synopsis: When you broke up with your boyfriend to work in a different country, you didn't expect to see him ever again. But when you transfer to your company's Seoul branch four years later, the department head is your ex, and he’s made it his objective to make your life a living hell for leaving him all those years ago.
Content: Angst, Fluff, Comfort | Exes to Lovers | Office AU
Tags: emotions, miscommunication, heartache, workaholic!seungcheol, insecure reader, drinking, crying, begging, petnames (sweetheart, love), konglish w/ translations, no "y/n," this is for everyone who voted for cheol in the poll, loosely connected to too nice (joshua)
Word Count: 10.2K
“I hate him,” you seethe, your fists balled up, crumpling your rejected proposal. “God, I hate him.”
Your coworker, Joshua Hong, looks up from his cubicle with raised eyebrows. “Who?”
You breathe in deeply, willing your rage to dissipate at the sight of his confusion. Poor Joshua doesn’t deserve your anger. “No one,” you say, clenching your jaw.
Open-mouthed, Joshua blinks rapidly, eyes flitting over to glance at the office you had just walked out of. The door to the room is marked with a name plate that has 최승철 [Choi Seungcheol] in bold, gold letters.
“I’m fine,” you insist, hands uncrumpling the document you had just attacked.
“Uh, okay?” he says with a healthy dose of doubt, elongating the “o” in “okay.”
“I just—” you begin, then immediately shut your mouth. “Ugh, forget it.”
It’s one thing to crumple a proposal up, and another thing to start bad-mouthing your boss out in the open. You throw the tattered outline onto your desk, then plop yourself onto your chair. You rub your temples, and then mutter under your breath, “How did I get here?”
You groan, “Don’t ever say that word again in my presence.”
“Mmh,” he says, walking over to your cubicle. “You won’t have to worry about my presence in a few months.”
“Don’t remind me,” you sigh, dropping your head in your hands.
Joshua would be leaving the Seoul branch and transferring to the New York branch in a few weeks.
Curse your company for its commitment to “workplace synergy,” swapping out a handful of employees across all departments in its international branches every few years. If it hadn’t been for this horrible program, you wouldn’t be here right now.
You want to rip out your own hair, at this point.
How did it even get to this? You shut your eyes, thinking back to older times.
When you first got a job offer at the New York branch of your dream company, your initial reaction was elation. Your second? Doubt. Leaving Seoul was almost unthinkable, not to mention the fact that you’d be leaving your boyfriend behind, too.
For the first few days after hearing back from the recruiter, you knew you’d accept, but kept the news to yourself. You’d heard of so many horror stories about long-distance dating, and after a long period of consideration, you wondered what the point was.
You knew your boyfriend—really knew him. You knew he’d make sacrifices for you at the expense of himself, and it was impossible for you to accept bogging him down with a 14 hour time difference. He’d stay up waiting for your calls, instead of getting much needed rest. He’d worry about you all the time, checking the weather in Manhattan instead of Seoul and calling you constantly instead of his family and friends. He’d wait on you for as long as you needed, in an almost obsessive way, thinking it could make up the difference in distance. But he deserved someone who could love him in person, all of the time.
It’d be better for Seungcheol if you just let him go, freeing him to focus on what mattered more to him. Like work.
He loved you too much to break things off with you himself, so it was better that you did it. For his own good.
That’s what you told him, at least.
────୨ৎ──── Four Years Ago
“Cheol,” you said, teary-eyed. “Cheol, look at me.”
Seungcheol stared blankly at the ground, face frozen.
“Please?” your voice cracked.
“Who are you to tell me what I can and can’t handle?” he suddenly choked out, eyes flashing with hurt. His hands clenched, like he was holding himself back from saying more.
You swallowed thickly, reaching for his arm. “Cheol, I—”
“Don’t call me that,” he said, snatching his hand away from you.
────୨ৎ────
But you had hidden the real reasons for the breakup.
Because, deep down, you had always suspected otherwise. Somehow, everything had just become so complicated. Loving Seungcheol—which had once been something as easy as breathing—had become a dull pain in your chest, clouding your every thought with insecurities.
Even from the start of the relationship, you’d loved him more, anyway. Back then, you didn’t mind it because you loved him so much, and he was always so, so sweet to you. But around the time of the job offer, paranoia had reared its ugly head, kicking your uncertain thoughts into overdrive.
It was obvious that he didn’t really love you anymore. While you were job seeking, he was distracted. Always checking his phone, not really listening to what you had to say. He made time for you, but he didn’t necessarily make you feel like he loved you as deeply as you did him—it didn’t feel like he was the same guy that you started dating.
Something about his actions just felt like he did them to claim that he loved you, rather than because he actually loved you. His actions were laced with a kind of surface level, superficial quality.
He’d take you out to a fancy dinner, open the door for you, pay for the meal, drive you home—all the gentlemanly things he did when you started dating, too. But on the car ride there and back, and while sitting down eating together, he wouldn’t remember the things you had said about the little things happening in your life—a major change, when compared to the start of your relationship.
And sure, he didn’t have an obligation to remember your next door neighbor's name. But shouldn’t he remember your favorite kind of pie, or your closest cousin’s name? Shouldn’t he just know not to check his phone every time it pings with a new email, or leave you to eat your stupid expensive pasta alone as he takes a call outside?
It was almost like Seungcheol had fallen out of love with you, but was staying with you out of some kind of obligation to continue what he had started? That was your only explanation for why he’d spend time with you, but wouldn’t pay close attention to the things you said. Every Thursday was movie night, and in hopes of trying to keep him away from work, you let him choose the movie every time. But what use was that, when he spent more time looking at his phone than the TV—and more importantly, you, for that matter?
You’d been dating a ghost of a man. While you loved him, he tolerated you.
If the two of you stayed together when you went abroad, he’d probably double down on texts, but he wouldn’t really remember anything you’d said if you mentioned details about them in calls.
You didn’t bring any of these fears up to him, because you knew that he would continue to deny it. In fact, you’d imagined it in your head so much that you could see it when closing your eyes to sleep. If you confronted him, he’d deny that he didn’t love you anymore. But he’d be staring at the ground instead of looking at you. He wouldn’t admit that he was only with you because he enjoyed the consistency of your affection, and because he somewhat pitied you—and most importantly to him, because he wanted to prove to himself that he chose correctly when he started dating you.
The pain of watching the love of your life push down his repulsion just to be with you was decidedly more horrifying than the pain of breaking up with him altogether.
Right before ending things, it had occurred to you that Seungcheol might not have ever loved you in the first place, and that just hammered in the idea that you were making the right decision. He’d get over the breakup fast. He’d probably be thankful for it in a few years, even. If you saw him again, you’d both probably laugh, and in his head, he’d realize that he was grateful that you ended things so that he could focus on his real love, his career.
If you were honest with yourself, you would admit that there was a bit of selfishness driving the breakup, as well. There was no way you could handle Seungcheol sacrificing things for you—if he lost sleep over you, if he worried about you, if he was distracted by you—because you knew he wouldn’t be doing it for love.
Because he only ever cared out of a superficial need to prove to himself that he made the right decision in asking you out all those years ago. Not because he really loved you.
Yes, he probably never loved you, and he would never know the real reason why you ended things.
────୨ৎ──── Four Years Ago
“You give up so easily,” he spat out. “Was I nothing to you?”
Tears were running down your face. “Don’t. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”
Seungcheol laughed, then buried his head in his hands. “God, to think I almost—”
He stopped, jaw tightening, then shook his head like he couldn’t believe it.
────୨ৎ────
A hand comes down sharply on your desk, jolting you awake.
“Sleeping while on duty?”
Wide-eyed, with tear-stained cheeks, you look up to face your ex-boyfriend. “부장님! [Department Head!]”
Upon seeing your red-rimmed eyes, Seungcheol falters.
Swiping at your under eyes quickly, you bow your head to him slightly. “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”
He swallows roughly, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. He opens his mouth, like he’s about to ask you why you were crying, and your heart drops.
You will crumble if you hear the tone of voice he had used when you broke up with him.
“Excuse me,” you blurt with choked words.
You don’t dare to look at his eyes. Instead, you get up from your seat, then immediately flee to the bathroom.
────୨ৎ──── Four Years Ago
“You can focus on work, now,” you squeaked out.
Seungcheol scoffed again, a cruel sound of disbelief. “What makes you think I give a damn about work right now?”
“Don’t you? Always?” you sniffled.
His eyes flashed with something you couldn’t quite describe. He seemed angry, but not just at you. At himself, too—his hands were balled into fists at his sides, fingernails digging sharply into his palms. His throat bobbed, and you could see the intense restraint he was forcing on himself. He opened his mouth with a sharp breath, then closed it again, as if he wanted to say something but stopped himself.
────୨ৎ────
You stare with glassy eyes at yourself in the mirror, trying to calm your racing heart down. It would be alright. You would be alright.
If you just focused on your work, it would be fine.
Leaving the bathroom, you square your shoulders. You’ll draft up a new proposal that suits his standards, and you’ll do it so excellently that he can’t possibly reject it.
Hours later, and you’re standing outside Seungcheol’s office again. Taking a deep breath, you walk in without knocking or announcing yourself.
The stack of papers trembles in your hands as you place them on Seungcheol’s desk. You keep your expression blank, steadying your breath, willing yourself not to let any emotion slip. “This is the revised proposal.”
Seungcheol doesn’t look up immediately. He takes his time flipping through the pages, his expression unreadable. The tension in the room is suffocating, thick with words left unsaid from years ago. You stand stiffly, waiting, watching the way his fingers drag across the paper. Finally, he exhales sharply and sets the proposal down.
The room is unbearably silent as the question of approval hangs in the air. Your heart pounds so loudly you swear he can hear it.
He should say no immediately. It would be the easiest answer. The logical one. The one you expect.
But he hesitates.
His fingers curl against the polished surface of his desk, and his gaze lingers on the documents in front of him for just a second too long. It’s subtle—anyone else might not notice—but you do. His mask falters. Just a flicker.
And for a split second, you let yourself hope.
Then, his jaw tightens. His hands retreat beneath the table, as if physically pulling himself back. When he finally speaks, his voice is steady, controlled, and restrained—nothing like the eager, puppy-like man you knew him as when you first started dating.
“We’ll have to decline,” he says, and it’s final. Unshakable. Like he hadn’t wavered at all.
You nod stiffly, as if you hadn’t just watched something slip through his fingers. As if it hadn’t slipped through yours, too.
“Decline?” you blurt.
His face remains impassive. “Yes.”
You blink at him, momentarily stunned. You had anticipated that he would be difficult, but this—it’s too fast, too dismissive.
You steel yourself. “Why?”
“It’s not good enough.”
Your fingers clench around the hem of your blazer. “Can’t you separate private and work life?”
He meets your gaze, eyes dark and cool. “I am.” His voice is devoid of any warmth. “I don’t care. Your proposal is bad.”
The words strike harder than they should, more than just a professional critique. A cruel, deliberate dismissal. You know it’s personal—for the past two weeks that you’ve been at the Seoul branch, it has always been personal when it comes to him. Your blood simmers.
“I see.” You force your voice to remain level. “Would you like to point out what’s wrong with it?”
His lips press into a thin line. “No.”
A sharp, bitter laugh escapes you. “Of course not.”
Seungcheol leans back in his chair, arms crossing over his chest. “Four years ago, you didn’t choose me. So why should I choose your useless proposal?”
The shift is abrupt, the air sucked out of the room in an instant. Your nails dig into your palms.
“I have never loved anyone more than I loved you.” The words leave your lips before you can stop them, the truth of them ringing through the silence.
He scoffs, but there’s a flicker of something in his eyes, something raw. “You left me,” he says, voice edged with something dangerously close to hurt. “You. Left. Me.”
Your breath shudders. “You left me first.”
He leans forward, eyes searching yours, like he’s daring you to take it back. “How?” His voice is quieter now, but no less intense. “How did I leave you, when I was the one you abandoned in Seoul?”
Your vision blurs slightly. This. This is why it never worked between the two of you. He’s too bull-headed to even consider that he was in the wrong.
You shake your head. “Why didn’t you fight for us?”
His jaw tightens. “Why didn’t you?”
A bitter taste coats your tongue. “You gave up so easily.”
His eyes flash. “No,” he says sharply, “you’re the one who brought up work all the time.”
Your hands tremble. “Because if it wasn’t about work, you wouldn’t talk to me!”
That stuns him. His mouth opens slightly, but nothing comes out. His brows knit together, the first crack in his mask of indifference.
You exhale shakily, pressing forward. “Because if I talked about anything else, I knew you wouldn’t listen,” you whisper, voice breaking. “I knew I’d be talking to a man who loved the idea of me more than he actually loved me.”
Seungcheol flinches as if you had struck him. His throat bobs, hands clenched into fists on top of his desk. “That’s not true,” he grits out, but there’s something in his voice—something unsteady, like the words are slipping through his fingers before he can stop them.
“Isn’t it?” you press. His breathing turns uneven, his jaw tightening like he’s physically holding himself back.
“You made me feel like I was a burden,” you continue, the words tumbling out, years of buried pain unraveling in real time. “Like you had to tolerate me between meetings and emails. Like being with me was just another responsibility to check off your list.”
He exhales sharply, like the air’s been knocked out of his lungs. His fingers twitch, gripping the desk so tightly that his knuckles go white. “That’s not—” He stops, biting his tongue, like even he can’t bring himself to finish that sentence.
A bitter laugh escapes you. “You don’t even believe yourself, do you?”
Seungcheol stands abruptly, chair scraping against the floor, his composure unraveling before your eyes. “I worked so damn hard for us,” he says, voice raw.
Your voice is small. “I never asked you to.”
His lips part, and for the first time since you stepped into his office, his expression isn’t blank or cold—it’s vulnerable. And it terrifies you.
His expression cracks, pain flickering through his eyes. “I was trying to build a future for you,” he says, voice raw, desperate. “For us.”
“You were so busy planning a future that you forgot to love me in the present.”
A tense silence falls between you, the weight of the past pressing down on both of you like an unbearable force. His breaths are uneven, his knuckles white from how tightly he’s gripping the edge of his desk.
Finally, he exhales, a bitter, tired laugh leaving his lips. He looks down at the proposal—still sitting there, untouched, still rejected.
“This meeting is over,” he mutters, his voice hoarse.
Your heart clenches painfully, but you nod, blinking rapidly to push back the tears. Without another word, you turn on your heel and walk out, leaving behind the shattered remnants of everything you once were.
When you get back to the safe haven that is your apartment, you retrace everything he had said. Or, rather, the accusations he had thrown at you.
“You left me.”
“I was the one you abandoned in Seoul.”
“Why didn’t you fight for us?” “Why didn’t you?”
“I was trying to build a future for you. For us.”
Your heart strangely aches, remembering how shaken he looked when you called out his workaholic behavior. You had blamed him for the end of it all, but it takes two to end a relationship. Why didn’t you fight harder for him, back then?
────୨ৎ──── Four Years Ago
You’re alone now. It’s what you wanted. To be free from the self-doubt that loving Seungcheol had drilled into you.
Your chest constricted so tightly, you couldn’t breathe.
────୨ৎ────
Two days after the disastrous office meeting, you’ve somehow managed to have the misfortune of sitting in front of your ex-boyfriend at a steakhouse for work. The restaurant is dimly lit, the low hum of conversation and clinking glasses filling the space. Your body practically vibrates from the tension.
You can see Seungcheol’s gaze turn sharper every time he looks at you, and it makes it all the more insulting when he immediately brightens at Director Chun. You chug another glass of wine, hoping the buzz will numb the annoyance bubbling within you.
“Thank you, Director,” you say, reaching over the table to shake your superior’s hand. “It was a pleasure.”
“No, thank you, Team Leader,” he chuckles. “We’re lucky to have such competent, young people working for us. I’m sure the Brennans will be thrilled to see this project come to a close so quickly.”
Seungcheol laughs. “We’re lucky to have you, Director.”
It’s so fake, you’re itching to get rid of the stupid grin off his smug face.
“I’m sorry I have to leave so soon,” the director continues. “I’ll see you two back at the office?”
“Of course,” you say, standing up and bowing to him as he gets up from his seat.
When the director finally leaves, you can’t help but clench your fists. Wanting to relieve the tension in your poor tendons, you reach for the wine bottle, refilling your glass for the nth time tonight. The rest of the restaurant is loud, but it is far too quiet in your corner of the room.
Now you’re alone with Seungcheol.
The air crackles with an unspoken tension, thick and suffocating. Seungcheol, across from you, has his fingers curled tightly around the stem of his wine glass. His knuckles are practically white, the pressure of his grip betraying the storm raging inside him.
He hasn’t touched much of his food, and barely spoke beyond a few clipped replies to you. He had really only responded to Director Chun all night. But it’s nothing new. You have long learned to recognize this silence; it’s the same, bitter one that had stretched between you in the months before you left him.
You don’t know why you told Joshua you could handle going to this. Why, after everything, did you let Seungcheol pull you into a setting so painfully intimate, so reminiscent of the past? The last time the two of you were in a restaurant like this, he had left for 40 minutes to take a call outside.
Seungcheol swirls his drink absentmindedly, watching the ice shift in the glass before finally speaking. “You look well.”
You let out a breathy laugh, shaking your head. “Small talk? Really?”
His jaw tightens, and he sets his glass down with a quiet thud. “Would you rather we skip the pleasantries?”
“I’d rather we not pretend this is anything other than what it is.”
“And what is it?”
You lift your chin. “You tell me.”
Seungcheol exhales sharply, dragging a hand through his hair. He looks at you—really looks at you—for the first time since you sat down, and it sends a shiver down your spine. It’s the same expression he made when you were in his arms, four years ago.
The one that made you feel like the only person in the world. The one that he used to assure you that he loved you.
And you hate yourself, because you can’t help but remember that he looked so good when he was yours. Worse, you can’t help but notice how he’s still devastatingly handsome.
Only now, his gaze is shadowed with something darker. Something unresolved.
“You know, when you told me you wanted to end things, I could’ve accepted it,” he says, voice steady, but his fingers twitch slightly against the edge of the table.
You swallow roughly.
“I could’ve accepted it if you said you just fell out of love with me,” he continues, “But then.” He takes a deep breath. “But then, you told me it was for my own good. That I wouldn’t be able to handle long distance.”
Your hands grip your wine glass. You want to say something, but you don’t know where to even start.
“You told me you loved me, and then…” he trails, before shakily saying, “abandoned me, because I couldn’t handle it?” He dips his head low, hands joining like he’s about to make a prayer.
“Cheol, I—”
“Don’t. Just don’t.”
Seungcheol stares intensely at his half-eaten steak, a strand of hair coming down from his forehead to poke at his eyes. Despite yourself, your hand instinctively lurches to tuck it behind his ears, before you quickly jolt it back. A cloud of shame begins to envelope your mind. It’s not fair. Why does your body remember him so well, even after he broke your heart?
He takes a shaky breath before speaking again. “And you know what? That…that wasn’t even the worst part.” Choked up, he takes a deep breath and clenches his hands into fists to ground himself before continuing. “What’s worse, was what you said at the end.”
You furrow your brows, thinking back to all those years ago, right after you told him that he could finally focus on his work, and right before you walked away from him.
────୨ৎ──── Four Years Ago
“I’m sorry for wasting your time,” you whispered. You didn’t dare to look at him. “I’m sorry I made you miss that convention for my birthday.” You sniffled, voice breaking. “You shouldn’t have had to do that. I’m sorry I made you watch those stupid movies, and that I made you go out when you didn’t want to. I should’ve been more considerate of your dreams, Cheol. I’m sorry, I’m sorry I only realized it now. I should’ve—”
You exhaled deeply, blinking your newest tears away. They fell down your cheeks in streams. “You won’t have to worry about that kind of useless stuff anymore, okay? You don’t need to deal with me anymore. I’m sorry you had to handle all of that for so long. I, I really lo…”
You bit down on your lower lip, blinking desperately to get rid of your blurry vision. “I hope you get into the accelerator, Cheol. I know how hard you’ve worked for it. If anyone can do it, it’s you.”
One last time, you smiled at him weakly, not meeting his eyes. “Goodbye, Cheol.”
And then you turned your back from him, walking away from the love of your life, partly because you really did wish him well on his startup journey, and mostly because you knew he was only with you out of obligation to himself—because he never loved you, anyway.
────୨ৎ────
“Oh,” you say, eyes feeling strangely prickly.
“I love—I loved you,” Seungcheol says, clutching his chest. He exhales roughly. “Did you not… see that?”
You blink rapidly.
His throat bobs as he swallows, eyes darting away for a brief moment. “I had plans for us,” he admits, voice quiet but strained.
At the sight of his clear pain, your stomach twists uncomfortably. “Plans?”
He nods slowly, still refusing to meet your eyes. The candlelight on the table flickers between you, casting shadows that dance across his face, highlighting the tension in his furrowed brow.
His mouth parts as if he’s about to say something—something important—but then he stops himself.
You reach across the table instinctively, your fingertips grazing his wrist. “Seungcheol. Don’t do this to me.”
He tenses beneath your touch but doesn’t pull away. Instead, he finally looks at you, and the sheer weight of emotion in his gaze nearly knocks the breath from your lungs. There is so much in his eyes—anger, regret, sadness, and a deep emotion you haven’t dared call love in years. All tangled together in a way that makes it impossible to separate one from the other.
“I was going to propose to you,” he confesses, his voice barely above a whisper.
Your breath hitches. For a second, the world tilts, the steady hum of the restaurant fading into white noise. You blink, your mind scrambling to process the weight of his words. “What?”
Seungcheol lets out a short, humorless laugh, shaking his head as if mocking himself. “I had the ring. I had everything planned out.” He exhales sharply, rubbing a hand over his face. “I was just… waiting for the right time.”
A sharp, painful lump forms in your throat. “Cheol—”
“But you left before I could,” he cuts in, his voice breaking at the edges. His eyes are glassy now, raw with unshed emotion. “You thought…you thought I didn’t love you enough. But I did. I loved you so much I—” He sucks in a shaky breath, his hands balling into fists on the table. “I was trying so hard to build a future for us. I wanted to give you everything.”
Tears burn behind your eyes, and your hands are still on his arm, but they’re shaking. “I didn’t need ‘everything,’” you whisper. “I just needed you.”
His face crumples for a split second before he forces his expression blank again. “I thought I was doing the right thing.”
Silence stretches between you, thick with everything you had never said to each other. The weight of missed moments, of love given but not received in the way it was needed, settles over the two of you like a monstrous thunderstorm.
You nearly choke on the sob threatening to break free from your throat. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
His voice is hoarse, like he has swallowed glass. “Would it have changed anything?”
You want to say yes. You want to believe that if he had just told you, things would have been different. But deep down, you aren’t sure. Because the truth was, you had already been slipping away from each other long before you had walked out the door.
You had told him you were leaving him so he could focus on his work. You had told yourself you were leaving him because he didn’t love you anymore. So, would you have really believed him if he had proposed to you? You’re not sure, but there’s no point in analyzing the hypothetical what-ifs, really.
Because now, looking at the man who had once been your world, you wonder if you had ever really left him at all.
────୨ৎ──── Three Years Ago
It was Seungcheol’s birthday. It hit you while you were at the grocery store, in the fresh produce section.
You saw cherries.
You cried.
Later that day, your finger twitched over his contact on your phone, before falling to your hips.
He was probably busy. He hadn’t texted or called you since the breakup, after all. He definitely wouldn’t want to hear from you even if he wasn’t busy, anyway.
“I’m sorry,” you said out loud, knowing that the person who needed to hear it most wasn’t there. “I miss you. Happy birthday.”
────୨ৎ────
You blink, and suddenly you’re outside. There’s a chilly wind blowing against you, making you shiver. When you try to take a step forward, you find your body is too sluggish to move much.
“You’ve had too much to drink,” Seungcheol says concernedly, his warm, strong hands finding an all too familiar spot against your waist.
“I’m fine,” you say, though your teetering body suggests otherwise.
Somewhere between watching Seungcheol laugh at Director Chun’s obviously not funny jokes and trying to give your hand something to do instead of ball into fists hearing his confession, you had drunk far too much of the expensive bottle of wine that the director had bought for the three of you.
Seungcheol says your name like it’s a warning, tone firm.
But you can’t help but laugh. You’re too close to him now. And oh, he’s so warm. Instinctively, your body presses against him, because it’s familiar and comforting and something you’ve subconsciously been craving for the past four years with every fiber of your body.
“I missed you,” you blurt.
Seungcheol swallows roughly.
“Fuck, don’t…” He can’t even bring himself to finish the sentence. “How did you get here? Taxi?”
You shake your head. “Too much money. Subway.”
“I’ll take you home, okay? Where are you staying now?” He squeezes your waist.
“Mmh.” Thinking, you close your eyes, fully leaning into his touch.
Three days ago, the company told you to move out of the original apartment they’d placed you in two weeks ago, and although you’d memorized how to get to your new place using the subway, you had yet to memorize the exact address. You’d always looked at your phone to double check, thinking that you’d be fine if you were stranded, since you’d always have your phone on you. Unfortunately, though, you hadn’t considered that you’d be lost if your phone died.
“That’s not an address, sweetheart.” He inhales sharply, realizing his mistake after it leaves his lips.
“I’m sorry,” you say with a frown, tears welling in your eyes. “Don’t remember.”
Here you were, wasting his time again. You’d left him four years ago because you were a hindrance to his career, and now you’re doing it again. Old habits die hard, don’t they?
You sniffle, “I’ll sober up soon, don’t worry. You can just leave me here. I’ll walk to the subway.”
Seungcheol’s throat bobs. “Hey, hey, don’t be sorry. I got you, okay? I’ll take you back to my place, if that’s okay?”
You nod, your voice small. “Okay.”
He breathes a sigh of relief.
Before you know it, Seungcheol has escorted you into the passenger seat of his car, and you’re on your way back to the house you had called your home only four years ago.
“Did you miss me?” you ask childishly, staring at the driver with sleepy eyes.
His Adam's apple bobs up and down.
For a moment, you don’t think he’ll answer. But then, he says softly, “I did.”
“Oh,” you say, and then you feel your eyelids get heavier. You let them close.
Right before you fall asleep, you catch him whispering something that sounds a lot like, “I missed you so much, sweetheart.”
────୨ৎ──── Six Months Ago
You blinked rapidly. “In the fall?”
“Yes,” Director Chun said. “I’ll be heading over to the Seoul branch as well, for a few months at the very least. I promise you’ll be under one of our best. Department Head Choi Seungcheol is known for being collaborative. I’m sure the synergy will be great between the two of you.”
You froze. Surely, not.
“Choi Seungcheol?” you asked breathily.
“Yes. Do you know each other?”
“No,” you said, far too quickly.
“Ah, I see. Perhaps he was impressed by the work you did with the Jeons,” the director said with a smile. “He requested you directly.”
Oh.
Oh.
────୨ৎ────
Sleep is supposed to be relaxing, isn’t it? So why does it feel like your chest is going to cave in on itself, like a big boulder has plopped itself down on you?
You open your eyes quickly, only to be met with a mess of short, dark brown hair.
You try to blow on the hair, only to feel it enter your mouth. It’s horribly dry.
“Ack,” you spit.
And then it occurs to you that your hair has never tasted like this, or looked like this, for that matter.
You try moving one of your arms to get rid of the annoying strands, only to find that it has also been rendered immobile. You tense your core, trying to flop like a worm, but it’s of no use.
You furrow your brows, straining as hard as you can, but nothing happens.
For a moment, you wonder if you’re having a nightmare.
And then the boulder moves.
Your eyes widen into saucers. There’s only one explanation for this. You’ve only ever known one man who gives bear hugs in his sleep like this.
“Choi Seungcheol?”
“Fuck,” it groans. “Thought I told you not to call me that, sweetheart.”
You close your eyes, wondering if you’re still dreaming. But when you open them again, you see Seungcheol’s face.
Sleep lines are adorning his left cheek, and he blinks at you slowly. His pink lips are turned down in a slight pout, and the sight of him is so adorable, it makes you want to scream.
“Did you…” you pause, mind racking an explanation. “Fall asleep on top of me?”
“You said you were cold,” he says slowly, eyes half-closed, voice deep.
“Oh,” you say, then flush, feeling heat rush up the back of your neck and reach your ears. Trying to avoid eye contact with him, your eyes stray to your collarbone, and you see that you’re still wearing last night’s clothes. “Wait, did you let me into your bed with dirty clothes?”
“Mmph,” he says, rubbing his face into the crook of your neck.
“Wow,” is all you can manage. He never let you do that when you were dating.
“Go back to sleep, love,” Seungcheol mumbles.
“Can’t breathe, Cheol,” you groan, patting his back. “Too heavy, baby.”
He groans but shifts off of you, then cuddles up next to you, hands finding your waist immediately. “Five more minutes.”
“Mmh,” you sigh contentedly.
And as you close your eyes again, it occurs to you that Seungcheol is your ex, and that the two of you are definitely doing things that exes should not be doing.
────୨ৎ──── Two Weeks Ago
You folded your pride. You extended an arm out to him first.
“Department Head Choi Seungcheol, it’s a pleasure to work with you.”
You spat his first and last name out like venom, knowing all too well that he hated being called by his full name.
He stared at your outstretched hand, then scoffed.
Fuck.
────୨ৎ────
When you wake up again, you’re alone in Seungcheol’s bed. Out of habit, your arm moves to pat the other side of the bed.
For a moment, your mind flashes back to the lonely mornings you had with him four years ago. The days when the first thing you did after waking up was to check the other side of the bed, only for it to be cold. The hope of it all had fractured your heart slowly, but surely.
But today, for some reason, Seungcheol’s side is lukewarm.
Confused at the lingering warmth, you sit up in his bed, rolling back the covers.
Is it possible that he’s still here?
Then, you smell the distinct scent of ramen through the door to his room, which has been left slightly ajar. Planning on checking the kitchen, you move to get off the bed. But before your feet reach the ground, Seungcheol walks in.
He’s holding a tiny desk, the kind made for breakfast in bed. On it is a bowl of steaming ramen and a glass of water.
“Morning,” he says with a shy smile, and oh—oh, it’s so full of endearment and joy and hope, of all things.
God, something about it is just so, so pure and domestic, it makes your chest constrict. Seungcheol had never made you breakfast in bed when you had dated, because he had always been the first to leave in the morning.
But here he is, like he plans on making up for everything starting now.
And with how bright his smile is, your heart is aching to just let him.
“Is this… for me?” you ask in a small voice. Of course, it can’t possibly be for anyone but you, but something in you wants Seungcheol to admit it.
Seungcheol nods.
“Thank you,” you say.
“Ramen’s your favorite hangover meal, right?”
You nod slowly, and Seungcheol grins, like he’s proud of himself for getting it right. But something about it pokes a nerve. What use is there in remembering it now, when you’re not together anymore?
He watches you eat slowly, and you raise your eyebrows at the taste.
“It’s really good,” you say between bites, giving a thumbs up.
“Good,” he says, making intense eye contact with you.
He’s completely focused on you, phone and computer completely out of sight, and it makes you squirm. Now that his attention is on you without any distractions, it’s too easy to see how gorgeous he is.
You flush under his attention. “Stop looking at me,” you mumble.
“Don’t wanna,” he says dreamily, lying on his stomach on the bed, looking up at you with doe eyes.
You giggle, covering your face with your hands in embarrassment.
Seungcheol reaches out to swat your hands away from your face, taking the opportunity to hold your hands. When you look at him again, you’re taken aback by how serious he suddenly is.
Your laughter fades.
He takes a deep breath, and your heart sinks. You already know what he’s going to say.
“Can we… try ag—”
“Cheol,” you gently cut him off, withdrawing your hands from his familiar grasp. “Let’s not… we’re not…”
“Why not?” He looks at you innocently, with wide eyes.
You take a shaky breath. “I can’t do this again, Cheol. It’s not good for me, and it’s not good for you.”
At first, he just blinks at you, as if he misheard. But then, something in his expression hardens. “Who says you’re not good for me?”
“What?”
“Who says you’re not good for me?”
“Cheol,” you say with a sigh. “Let’s not do this again. It’s not gonna work.”
“Who says?” his voice breaks.
────୨ৎ──── One Week Ago
“Again,” he said dryly. “Redo the business model.”
You held back your anger. “Yes, Department Head Choi Seungcheol. Is there anything else you would like me to do?”
“Care more,” he said.
You frowned. “I have my full focus on this project, sir.”
“Care more,” he repeated.
────୨ৎ────
“I’ve changed,” he says frantically. “I can prove it to you, I promise.”
Your chest constricts.
“I won’t ever let you be lonely again, I promise. I won’t let it happen, I swear. I’m so, so sorry I hurt you back then, but I’m not the same man you left. I will never hurt you again.”
You swallow roughly, the ramen leaving a salty aftertaste in your mouth.
“Seungcheol…”
He shuts his eyes tightly, like you’ve wounded him.
“Please, call me Cheol again. Please, I can’t stand to hear you call me that.”
“It’s your name,” you tell him gently.
“No, it’s not. To you, I’m Cheol,” he insists stubbornly, crossing his arms. You have to remind yourself to breathe at the sight. Since when was his body so defined? You have to look away from his pronounced biceps to regain your will.
“Look at me,” he says with a frown. You obliged and he continues, “Sweetheart, please. I promise I will never hurt you again. Please, please, take me back.”
On the bed, he’s kneeling now, hands drawn together as if in deep prayer.
“I won’t let work get in the way of loving you. It was horrible and so stupid of me and I’m so, so sorry but it was only when I lost you that I realized I forgot what the point of working was. It was to provide for you, and I couldn’t do that if you were gone because I didn’t properly show you the love you deserved. I’m so, so sorry, my love. Please give me another chance?”
Seungcheol looks at you with so much sadness, but the history you had with his ghost makes you unsure about what to do.
“I don’t know, Cheol…”
He smiles weakly, resigned. “At least you’re back to calling me Cheol, though. Right?”
You nod slowly.
All of a sudden, Seungcheol lights up, like a last-minute godsend of an idea came to his mind. “If it’s too hard to say yes now, how about taking it slow?”
“What does that mean?” His definition of taking it slow probably isn’t like yours.
“I can take you out on some dates, and then you could decide?”
Your heart sinks. He’s so hopeful—eyebrows raised, eyes wide, mouth parted.
You don’t know if you have it in you to say no.
You press your lips together.
Seungcheol must have sensed danger in your face, because he immediately interjects with a rushed confession before you even open your mouth.
“I love you. So much. I loved you then, and I loved you after you left, and I love you now. There was no one after you, you know?” He looks a bit crazed, hands scrunching the blankets roughly.
Your heart jolts.
He continues, “You were everything to me—and still are. There wasn’t a single day that I didn’t think about you. But I couldn’t bring myself to reach out because I thought you hated me.”
He’s not exactly wrong. You did hate him. Then again, there’s a fine line between love and hate. Both are powerful emotions that require you to care about the person in question.
“I even quit the startup because I realized it had eaten up all my time, ‘cause it had taken you away from me.”
You gasp. This was the answer to why Choi Seungcheol, self-made entrepreneur who insisted on refusing to work for anyone but himself, had strangely become the department head of a company that he never had a hand in creating.
“I was,” he sighs self-deprecatingly, “unemployed for a while. Until I heard you were working here, and then I made it my mission to climb the ranks until I could ask for you to get transferred to Seoul. And when you accepted, I was so…”
Your heart breaks a little for him.
“I thought it was a sign.” Hesitantly, he clarifies, “That you might want to try again.”
You inhale sharply. There he goes, again. Talking so sweetly. Back then, that was all he ever did to show you that he loved you. It wasn’t enough then, so why would it be enough now?
At your silence, Seungcheol hangs his head, and your fingers twitch, wanting to reach out to him.
Except it’s different now, isn’t it? He’s finally doing all the things you once wished he would. Isn’t that what you wanted from him? You don’t trust him yet. But he’s trying, now, and every muscle in your body aches with an impossibly deep desire to pull him into your arms.
You exhale, and out with your breath goes your final worries.
Your lips part before you’ve fully decided what to say.
"Okay."
It’s barely a whisper, but it might as well be a strike of thunder with the way Seungcheol’s head snaps up. His eyes widen, mouth parting like he’s afraid he misheard you.
"Okay?" His voice trembles, cautious, like one wrong move could shatter whatever fragile thing is forming between you.
Your throat tightens. The weight of this—of him—presses down on you, but you nod anyway.
For a second, he doesn’t breathe. Then, his face crumples, and the sheer relief in his expression makes something in you splinter. His hands twitch where they rest on the blankets, like he wants to reach for you but doesn’t dare. He’s waiting—because this time, he knows he has to let you come to him.
And you do.
Slowly, hesitantly, you lean forward. His breath hitches, but he doesn’t move away. Your forehead brushes his, a soft press that feels like a heartbeat between you. You feel the warmth of his skin, the way his breath mingles with yours in the inches of space that remain.
Seungcheol exhales shakily, like he’s been holding it in for years. His hands hover near your waist, unsure, unsteady. He doesn’t pull you closer—he’s learned now—but he craves it.
Your eyes flutter shut, leaning into his touch, telling yourself it’d only be for a second. Just long enough to let yourself feel him, really feel him, without the weight of the past crushing you.
His voice is barely above a whisper, breath fanning across your lips. “Sweetheart…”
You could fall apart at the way he says it, so quiet, so reverent—like he’s afraid you’ll disappear if he speaks too loud.
Your heart aches for more, but your mind reminds you of how he had left scars in your heart. For now, this form of affection would have to be enough.
After a few minutes in his arms, you reluctantly pull away to check the address of your new apartment on your finally-charged phone. Seungcheol drops you off, walking you to your door. You don’t invite him in, and he doesn’t ask. But something about the way he looked at you, right before you walked inside your apartment, lingers in your mind long after he leaves. He’d looked at you like you’d hung every glittering star in the sky.
Four years ago, you had decided that this gaze was something he’d manufactured while putting up with you. Maybe, you were wrong.
────୨ৎ────
Seungcheol keeps his promise of taking things slow. He’d arranged for you to meet him at a cafe the next day, and he’s already there when you get there. It’s a small, cozy place tucked into a quieter part of the city, the kind with warm lighting and the scent of freshly ground coffee drifting in the air.
You hesitate for a second when you see him through the window, seated at a booth near the back, fingers idly tapping against the ceramic cup in front of him. Then, before you can second-guess yourself, you push open the door.
His eyes meet yours instantly, and for a moment, he looks breathless—like he’s just as nervous as you are. But then he smiles. It’s a tiny, careful thing, but it makes your heart drum a little faster anyway. As you approach, he stands up, hand on his heart.
“Hey,” he says, voice soft, like he’s afraid to scare you away.
“Hey,” you reply, sliding into the seat across from him.
The booth is familiar. For a second, you’re struck by the memory of late-night conversations, of stolen kisses over half-finished drinks. You really were deep in love, back then.
You shake the thought away as Seungcheol gestures toward the counter.
“Still the same order?” he asks, the corner of his mouth lifting in something that isn’t quite a smirk but close enough that you recognize it as one of his signature expressions. You raise an eyebrow.
“You think I’d change it?”
“I don’t know,” he admits, tilting his head slightly. “A lot of time has passed.”
You exhale a small laugh. “Yeah, well. Some things stay the same.”
Something shifts in his gaze, a flicker of relief, of hope, before he nods. He waves down a barista and places the order without hesitation—exactly how you like it. When the cup is finally set in front of you, you find yourself staring at it for a beat too long, a strange warmth pooling in your chest.
“Thanks,” you murmur, wrapping your fingers around the cup.
Seungcheol watches you, his own drink forgotten, but he doesn’t push. Instead, he leans slightly forward, forearms resting on the table as he asks, “So, what’s new?”
You take a sip, letting the warmth settle in your stomach before answering. “Well, I have a wedding to go to next month.”
His eyebrows lift slightly, intrigued. “Oh?”
“Yeah. My coworker from the New York branch, Lee Chan, is getting married next month. I gotta fly out for it.” You swirl your drink absentmindedly, watching the steam curl into the air. “It’s kind of crazy. Feels like yesterday he was complaining about bad Tinder dates, and now he’s getting married.”
Seungcheol huffs a small laugh. “Guess he finally found the right person.”
“Yeah,” you say, a little softer. “Guess he did.”
There’s a pause, and you realize that for all the implications, for the way the topic is naturally leading to the idea of a plus one, you don’t bring it up. And, notably, neither does he. The question lingers, unspoken but present. Instead, Seungcheol shifts the conversation.
“You still baking?”
You groan, dragging a hand down your face. “If you can even call it that.”
He grins. “That bad?”
“Worse.” You sigh dramatically. “I was trying to perfect my chocolate chip cookies, right? Like, I found this recipe online, and it looked completely foolproof. But somehow, I nearly burned down my apartment.”
His amusement vanishes instantly. “What?”
“I mean, not literally,” you backtrack quickly, waving a hand. “But there was a lot of smoke. And my oven might hate me now.”
Seungcheol’s brows furrow in concern. “That apartment’s new, isn’t it?”
You nod. “Yeah, company orders. Still trying to get used to it.”
He exhales through his nose, tilting his head as he studies you. “Isn’t it hard? Being in such an unfamiliar place?”
You blink, caught off guard. “Oh, uh, I guess?”
His tone is casual—too casual—but you’re not oblivious. You see the way he watches you intently, the way he’s gauging your reaction. He thinks he’s being subtle, but it’s clear what he’s hinting at. Someday, maybe you won’t have to be in an unfamiliar place. Maybe you could come back home, to me.
You let out a small breath, looking down at your drink. “It’s fine,” you say after a moment. “It’s just an adjustment.”
Seungcheol doesn’t push, but his fingers tighten slightly around his cup. “If you ever need anything…”
“I know,” you say, and you mean it. Because for the first time in a long time, it feels like he actually means it, too.
The conversation shifts again, moving from baking disasters to random anecdotes about work, about old stories that slip out without either of you realizing. And throughout it all, you notice something: Seungcheol is listening.
Not just nodding along, not just waiting for his turn to speak. He’s really listening—leaning in, responding at the right moments, his gaze locked on yours with a kind of attentiveness that makes your stomach flip in a way you don’t want to acknowledge yet.
It’s different. He’s different.
And maybe, just maybe, that’s why this doesn’t feel like a mistake.
Fuck, do you love him, still?
────୨ৎ────
After the weekend cafe date with Seungcheol came the work week, much to your displeasure. Today has been an especially exhausting day. The kind that seeps into your bones, weighing down your limbs, making even the simple act of unlocking your apartment door feel like a chore. You barely manage to kick off your shoes before collapsing onto the couch, groaning into the cushions.
You didn’t even hear your phone buzzing at first. It takes a few rings before you muster enough energy to blindly fumble for it.
“Hello?” Your voice is muffled, with your face buried against the pillow.
“You sound dead,” comes Seungcheol’s voice, laced with amusement but tinged with concern.
“Feel like it too,” you groan. “Long day.”
There was a pause on the other end. Then, softly, “Have you eaten?”
“I had lunch,” you say.
Another pause. Then, decisively, “I’m coming over.”
“What? No, you don’t have to—”
“Too late. I’m already on my way.”
And just like that, the call ends. You blink owlishly at your screen, a bit too drained to call him back in protest.
Twenty minutes later, a knock comes from your door.
When you open it, Seungcheol stands there, hair still slightly tousled from the wind outside, carrying a takeout bag in one hand and a six-pack of your favorite drinks in the other.
“You used to drink these when you were stressed,” he says, holding up the pack as if that explains everything.
Your heart does something funny in your chest, but do your best to ignore it. Instead, you step aside, letting him in for the first time.
Seungcheol makes himself comfortable in your kitchen, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world. He unpacks the food and searches for utensils without asking you for help. And before you know it, you’re sitting at your small dining table, warm food in front of you, while he nudges a drink toward your hand.
The silence is comfortable. You didn’t realize how much you needed this until now—until the tension in your shoulders starts to ease, until the simple act of eating next to someone who cares about you makes the world feel a little less heavy.
At some point, you sigh, rolling your neck to work out a kink. You hadn’t meant for it to be noticeable, but Seungcheol caught it immediately. Without a word, he shifts his chair closer and places a warm hand against your shoulder, thumb pressing gently into the tension there.
You freeze.
“It’s okay,” he murmurs, voice softer now. “I got you. Just relax.”
And somehow, without even thinking, you do.
It isn’t grand, or dramatic, really. It’s just the quiet comfort of someone who knows you better than you thought he did. Who is all of a sudden remembering the little things, after all these years. He eases the weight of the world off your shoulders without even trying.
You don’t pull away.
And neither does he.
────୨ৎ────
A week later, and the workday is winding down. But the plans you’ve been looking forward to—a nice dinner that feels like a step forward, another stitch in the frayed edges between you and Seungcheol—suddenly teeter on the edge of collapse.
You’re gathering your things when Director Chun steps into the office, looking around before his gaze lands on Seungcheol.
"Department Head Choi Seungcheol," Chun calls, his voice even but firm. "I need you to stay back for a bit. The New York office just called me about a misalignment between Mr. Han’s vision and the work we submitted to their team. We need to smooth it over before tomorrow morning. I estimate it won’t take very long."
Your breath catches. Director Chun always sugarcoats things. It wouldn’t be just a couple more minutes, it’d be several hours of extra work.
It’s just a few words, a simple request by the director. But it’s enough to send you spiraling.
Because you've been here before.
You know how this story ends.
Your grip tightens around the strap of your bag as a million thoughts flood in, rapid and overwhelming. He’s going to say yes. Of course, he’s going to say yes.
Work will always come first. It always has, always will.
He’ll put you second again, and you’ll be left waiting, just like before.
The words you want to say—please don’t go, pick me, just this once—stick like molasses to the back of your throat.
You can’t stay here to hear him confirm it. You can’t bear to watch it happen all over again.
You walk away before Seungcheol answers the director, your feet carrying you toward the stairwell in a daze. The second the heavy door shuts behind you, a shaky breath escapes your lips. Your fingers press against your temples as you squeeze your eyes shut, willing away the sting that threatens to turn into tears.
Your chest constricts so harshly, you think you might be having a heart attack.
It shouldn't hurt this much.
But it does.
The past and present blur together in your mind—memories of cold dinners, of unanswered texts, of waiting and waiting and waiting. Until you stopped waiting altogether.
Why on earth did you think that things would be any different, now?
The door swings open with a rush of air.
"Sweetheart?"
Your stomach drops.
Seungcheol steps inside, eyes scanning the dimly lit stairwell before landing on you. His brows pull together in concern as he closes the distance between you.
"Hey," he murmurs, reaching out hesitantly. "What’s wrong?"
You shake your head, stepping back before his fingers can brush against your arm. "You don’t have to be here, Cheol."
He frowns. "What are you talking about?"
Defeated, you let out a humorless laugh, gesturing vaguely. "You don’t have to chase after me just to make me feel better about you choosing work over dinner. I get it. I know how this goes."
A pause. Then, softly, "Is that what you think happened?"
The sincerity in his voice makes you falter.
You blink at him, your heart pounding, confusion creeping in through the cracks of your resolve. "What do you mean?"
Seungcheol exhales, running a hand through his hair before stepping closer. This time, you don’t move away.
"I told Director Chun I couldn’t stay," he says, voice steady. "I told him I had a prior commitment, and that I wasn’t going to break it."
Your eyes widen comically. "What?"
His lips twitch into something that’s not quite a smile, but close. "I said no, sweetheart. I told him I had somewhere more important to be."
More important.
Your throat tightens.
"You—" The words catch, and you have to stop yourself from immediately replying, trying to process it. "You said no?"
"I did." His gaze softens, the weight of the moment settling between you. "I told you I wouldn’t let work come between us again."
His voice is quiet, but it carries years’ worth of unspoken apologies.
Of love that had once been misplaced, misdirected, but never truly lost.
Your eyes flicker over his face, searching. And the truth is written in the way he looks at you—open, unwavering, as if he’s willing you to believe him.
And you do.
It’s terrifying how easily you do.
The wall you’d built, the one meant to protect you from this very moment, begins to crumble under the warmth in his gaze.
Your breath shudders. "Cheol…"
His hand lifts, hovering near your cheek, close enough that you can feel the heat of it but not touching. His wide, sparkling eyes look eagerly into yours—giving you the choice, letting you decide.
Your chest tightens at his cute patience, the silent question lingering between you.
The space between you grows smaller.
You don’t know who moves first, but suddenly, you’re impossibly close, the tips of your noses nearly brushing. His breath fans over your lips, and your eyes flutter shut.
He doesn’t move to kiss you, but that’s okay. Because you’re finally ready to cross that line.
Tilting your chin up into him, your lips meet, and the warmth of him grounds you in a way that nothing else ever replaced, or ever could. His lips are so, so, soft, and as he melts into the kiss, he lets out a small content sigh. Everything about him is familiar, and yet, somehow different. It’s charged with a kind of electric buzz, the tension from the past weeks finally coming to a head.
For a moment, the world is still. You only see Seungcheol.
Then, in a voice so soft it almost disappears into the quiet of the stairwell, Seungcheol parts from your lips for just a centimeter, whispering, "I meant what I said. You don’t have to worry anymore. I’m 110% for you, I love you."
You close your eyes, exhaling against his skin, relishing his touch. And you say the next words with a full chest, “I love you so much, Cheol.”
Because for the first time in a long time, you believe him.
Masterlist
Author's Note: did u get the title?? seungcheol's the python bc he makes ur chest constrict and love is hard and hurts us sometimes anywayz happy valentines day <3
Disclaimer: nothing i write is representative of how svt acts off camera, take their names as stand-ins for oc's!!
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