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@mondaynewyear-blog
Morning
Feeling better, still in debt. 😂 Affirmations didn't work overnight which is a bummer. I did get up on time, I'm showered and I ate a decent healthy breakfast. I'm going to get myself on a budget today. I have high hopes for a savings account and to be debt free in a few years. Coffee, real food and being kind to myself are the goals today.
Also winning the lottery and become wealthy are also goals. Not binge eating myself into an early grave... Also a goal.
I need to focus on my thought of abundance
I look forward to using it help others
Stress ball
I'm a giant ball of stress. I'm broke, I'm facing a huge month of bills and I hate working just to pay more freaking bills. As a Mom, I feel trapped. I love my kids but to be a good Mom I need to pick them up from school and drop them off at places and it limits the time I'm available to work. Every tax, every deduction on my paycheck feels heavy right now. I've got nothing in savings and rock bottom feels just too close for comfort.
I haven't been able to pick up or afford my meds so my anxiety is sky high. I want to recover from my eating disorder, I want to find peace in my own brain, I want to live some wonderful life filled with travel, good food and strong relationships but I'm failing.
Lord, I'm just looking for help, direction and maybe some cash. If I could just get out of this paycheck to paycheck life, if I could just get 1 foot out of this hole. I want to find a way out but I feel as if I'm falling deeper.
I'm going to get some sleep now but tomorrow the sun is going to come up, I'm going to go into work early and I'm going to make an extra $15. Somehow, some day I'm going to dig out and until then I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm also going to start appreciating what I have and knowing that I don't need anything else. I guess I'm back to Tumblr as I work thru my addictions and start to heal. Maybe I can help someone along the way, maybe someone can help me, maybe just maybe we can all find a way out of our own holes.
Medication refill
I totally forgot to pick up my medication refill yesterday so I'm on day 2 of no meds. Might just be in my head or my period that I got yesterday but I'm a mess. I've been brought to tears twice already today and it's not even 9am. I miss my kids, I'm worried I'm poor and never going to be not poor, I'm worried I'm wasting my life being fat and unhealthy.
Rainy Monday vibes for sure. Time to pick myself up, get my work done and pick up that damn prescription. Can't wait to workout tonight, I need a MF-ing sweat session.
Fluffy Best Friend
Ugh, bad news
What is it about bad news that makes me jam my head into a bag of chips or a giant pizza? I get home today to hear that my best friend's wife has stage 2 cancer. All plans of eating lightly today were tossed out the window and I ate every ounce of sadness and worry I was feeling. Cancer... I hate ducking cancer. You can't stop it, it can't predict it and you can't determine who gets it and who doesn't. Diabetes, heart disease, smoking, drink liver... You can avoid all those... But cancer, it just picks off anyone it wants.
And to make me feel even worse, after I worried about her then I worried about myself. What am I doing to keep myself healthy? Nothing... I had 3 diet sodas today. I ate pizza and blue colored tootsies rolls. What am I thinking? I should be eating kale and running.. I'm not, I'm fat, sitting on a couch crying for my friend and their kids and their future.
I need to change, so I'm not the next one to get this news.
Friday plan
Coffee and cinnamon donut for breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: diet soda/water
Dinner: Cub scouts event. Probably a piece of pizza and some salad.
Try to stay under 1200 calories for the day.
Cycling workout tonight.
Lots of water, lots of sleep.
1 day at a time. Weigh in tomorrow!
Right?! Why not?
My blog
So I'm here to have a place to journal. I've struggled with body image and binging since I was 13. Now I'm 34, I have kids, a job, a husband and about 50 extra pounds. I'm here to log my journey back to 120 lbs. I'm not quite sure how I'll do it but I'm so uncomfortable that I know I need to. I feel like an outcast in this body. I feel like I can't complete anything. I need to control this and lose this burden that is my fat.
I'll have a plan soon, but for now I just get my feelings out. I hope to find some clarity here along with friends and then my health.
♥️♥️♥️
