So this isn't Dread writing, and there's a good reason for that.
Over the course of some work I've been doing on myself I sort of... came to the conclusion that Dread wasn't serving our best interests anymore.
Dread formed during a time of stress for us, when we were repressing a lot of shit, and Dread's presence was positive during that time. It was freeing, she helped us to adjust to a lot of changes, to stop us being so impulsive, and so on. But as of late, her role in our little ecosystem had turned.... sour. She was keeping us stuck in old habits and thought patterns. When I pointed this out to her, she became... frantic. Begging us not to change, trying desperately to stay exactly as we were, even when I offered her a way forward and a new role.
I gave it a rest for a while, and every time I tried to revisit it, she was teary and unlike herself. A seal had been broken, Dread was leaking out.
So I've reintegrated with her. There was nothing else for it, and very little remained of what she was.
I'm considering deleting this blog, or at least archiving it, and I'm considering... not returning to daemonism. It's been fruitful and good in so many ways for me, but between not really having a community for it (which is my fault) and... my brain doesn't really work the right way for it. I'm distractable, and without reminders to work on/project my daemon, I... don't.
So, Dread is gone. I'm mourning her, which is weird to say, but I do miss her and I wish this could've been resolved differently. So it goes.
It's been a bit and I still miss her.
Even when she was quiet I never felt alone in my own head, like I always had somebody to joke around with, someone to address my thoughts to. It worked, it really just... worked.
I feel like part of me is gone. I feel like I've lost a tooth and I can't help but run my tongue over the gap. And it aches, oh good god it aches. I would've given anything to keep her and what we had.
It feels weird to say but. Without her here, I love myself less. It's always easier to admire yourself when youve got someone who thinks you're delightful on your side, someone to view you with affection and concern.
I just don't know what to do without her
