Monster Lunch

My name is Christian Lynch. I have worked on such TV shows as "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," "The Tonight Show," "Conan," and G4's "Attack of the Show." I am a writer and comedian. I have contributed to the Onion News Network, McSweeney's, Pendulous Breasts Quarterly, and the Comedy Central show "The Onion SportsDome." Follow me on Twitter @monsterlunch var gaJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://ssl." : "http://www."); document.write(unescape("%3Cscript src='" + gaJsHost + "google-analytics.com/ga.js' type='text/javascript'%3E%3C/script%3E")); try { var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker("UA-15024221-2"); pageTracker._trackPageview(); } catch(err) {}

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ICP SAT: Practice Test

Before You Start

Juggalos have 25 minutes to complete the following Insane Clown Posse Scholastic Aptitude Test. A #2 pencil is required. Please refrain from using the provided Scantron sheet to roll a fat spliff.

Part 1: Math

1. Two Juggalos drive to 7-Eleven for munchies, cruising in separate, barely-street-legal, shitboxes. Juggalo A’s 1997 Mazda tops out at 90 MPH. Juggalo B’s 2001 KIA Spectra rattles uncontrollably above 77 MPH. The convenience store is approximately 9 miles away. Are they driving drunk?

A. Yes

B. What seems to be the problem, officer?

C. *chews a piece of minty gum*

D. All of the above

2. Violent J has $137.67 in his JNCO jeans pocket. Four Loko costs $3 per can. Each can holds 23.5 ounces of neon green liquid. How many ounces of Four Loko can Violent J buy?

A. Damn, duuuude! My f***ing brain hurts!

B. F*** math, bruh! ICP4Life!

C. Let’s do Whip-Its instead, bitch!

D. All of the above

3. 107,500 Juggalos, on average, attend the annual Gathering of the Juggalos. 20% of those Juggalos partake in impromptu, semi-nude, oil-wrestling matches. 192 ounces of lube are required to completely coat a single horny wrestler. How many 55-gallon drums of petroleum lubricant should the Juggalos buy (bare minimum) to adequately lube-up all the horndogs participating in the erotic contest?

A. You can never order enough lube, kid!

B. Anyone holding crystal?

C. 587 drums of lube

D. All of the above

Part 2: Writing and Language Test

4. Shaggy 2 Dope overhears a bunch of ratchet-ass-bitches spittin ________ about his Juggalette, “Murderface,” during an ICP show in Detroit. ““Y’all wanna start some shit?! Come at me, man! I’m f***ing insane! I’ll kill a mother f***er,” 2 Dope yells while shattering a glass King Cobra 40 bottle against the nearby brick wall.

Which Juggalo term best fills the blank?

A. ryda

B. gangslang

C. blue neck

D. nurdle

5. Complete the following analogy:

broke : assed-out :: _______ : college degree

A. a literal shit

B. a punk ass clown

C. an expensive piece of paper brainy-ass-bitches brag about possessing

D. a Juggalo rocking extremely f***ing hard

Questions 6-7 are based on the following passage.

The Miss Juggalette Beauty Pageant is a time-honored ICP Nation tradition. Hosted by porn industry icon Ron Jeremy, the show attracts a wide swath of Juggalette competitors: some friendly, some not. “Naw, bitch. I ain’t gonna shove a microphone in my p**** on stage. That shit be wack,” a defiant EazyBKilla exclaims. “You think I’m a whore or some shit? Naw, dawg. I ain’t no f***ing hoochie. I’ll cut any sucka-ass clown that asks me to do that shit.”

6. Which of the following terms best describes EazyBKilla’s position toward the Beauty Pageant?

A. Socialist

B. Nihilist

C. WhoGivesAF***alist

D. Feminist

7. Based solely on EazyBKilla’s block quote, how many packs of cigarettes do you assume she smokes per day?

A. Smokes? Vape life, kid!

B. 6

C. Yo. Hold up. Do bummed smokes count toward that total?!

D. None of the above

Part 3: Essay Section

Write a critical essay based on ONE of the following three prompts. 500 words or less. PLEASE NOTE: Nightmarish ICP fan art scrawled in the provided blank space will NOT improve your final test score.

1. Explain why Bob Dylan’s seminal 1975 album Blood on the Tracks ain’t got shit on ICP’s 2012 album Smothered, Covered & Chunked.

2. Magnets. How they work?

3. Which ICP track is most appropriate to blast while rounding third base into the Bone Zone? And why is “I Stab People” off the 1999 record The Amazing Jeckel Brothers the correct answer?

ANSWER KEY, BITCH

1. B

2. D

3. D

4. B

5. C

6. D

7. A

[monsterlunch]

Here’s what I know about cats: if you die alone in your house alongside a cat, it will eat you in order to survive. Probably won’t even wait for your body to cool. Shit, after devouring every last bite of you, I wouldn’t be surprised to see your furry friend use its paws to flip open your laptop, hack your Facebook page, and type disparaging comments to everyone you’ve ever met. You know why? Because cats are assholes. They are the trolls of the domesticated animal kingdom.

In other words, I guess I’m more of a “dog guy.”

Which is precisely why I felt compelled to step outside my comfort zone in order to understand the hubbub surrounding cats. And what better way to achieve this than by attending an official Cat Show sponsored by the Cat Fancier’s Association, or “Cat-tacular” as absolutely no one calls it.

Walking into The Los Colores Cat Club Country Fair Spectacular located in the Palm Springs, California Leisure Center, I wasn’t really sure what to expect. Kitties in costumes? People dressed like Andrew Lloyd Webbers version of Cats? An officially sanctioned congregation of filthy hoarders? Eh. Perhaps. If I were a betting man, I’d realistically place all my money on meeting a bunch of nice folks with frizzy hair who went bananas for Garfield cartoons without any sense of hipster irony.

Two observations immediately struck me after paying the entrance fee and stepping into the showroom. First, “Yup. This auditorium reeks of cat piss, all right.” And, second, my clothes were waaaaaaaaaaay under-bedazzled for the day’s festivities. (I knew I should have packed at least one faux-rhinestone covered sweatshirt.)

Luckily for me, there were a few merch tables scattered around the joint offering -- you guessed it -- a shit load of cat items. I rifled through a pile of t-shirts featuring slogans like “No outfit is complete without cat hair!” and “My cat walks all over me” (with matching paw prints stamped all over the front and back.) For some odd reason, though, I couldn’t find a single garment with the honest tagline, “Between the hours of 9 P.M. and 6 A.M., my cat is a fucking nocturnal sociopath!” Maybe they sold out already? Who knows? After a few minutes of “window-shopping,” someone at the table asked me if I needed any help and, naturally, I played it cool by replying, “Got any stuffed mice with squeakers?” You bet your sweet ass they did.

As I shuffled into the crowd, I couldn’t help but notice that there were far more cats in attendance than people. The 3:1 ratio made me very uncomfortable. If these cats discovered a way to get loose, I gave it about 20 minutes before I would be on my knees in shackles taking commands from my new Cat Overlord. Fortunately, 50% of the nearly identical looking cats were asleep; a comforting sight.

To paint the scene a bit more, the gymnasium was arranged as follows: in the center of the room, seven (or so) rows of tables were covered in cat crates and fold-out display boards each labeled with a number and name. And I’m not talking names like Mr. Winkles or Mittens. No. I saw everything from Calamity Jane to Sweat Pea to Duncan MacLeod (owned by, I can only imagine, die-hard Highlander fans.) The meows were deafening. Apparently cats are driven bonkers by the scent of other felines in close captivity. Turns out, I am too! The cats and I have finally found something we share in common. A bridge has been formed.

Nestled around these tables were six different judging stations elaborately decorated with Country Fair items. Imagine 4th of July Parade-style floats, only with far more cat puns.

Here’s how judging worked (written by a guy with a very dim understanding of how judges actually determined scores that day): first, cats were carefully removed from their cages. If the cat sank its fangs firmly into the judge’s hand, point deducted. Next, the cats were lovingly stroked on the top of the head. If the cat completely lost its shit, point deducted. From here, the cats were lifted high in the air for all to see, ala Simba at the beginning of The Lion King. If the cat crapped, pissed, hissed, or scratched, point deducted. Finally, the cats were placed back on the table and tickled in the face with a feather. If the cat ran out into the parking lot, stole the judge’s car, drove it to the nearest quarry, and pushed the vehicle into the ditch causing an enormous explosion, point deducted.

All these points were then added up and a winner, per category, was announced over the loud speaker. For those who actually care to know who dominated the competition, uh, well, lets just say it was the fluffy one.

Time passed. One hour became two and two quickly became four. Crowds thinned as cats were awarded their official ribbons (which one 4th place runner-up cat promptly shred to bits. Talk about poor sportsmanship.) Clearly my time at the Cat Show had come to a close.

But what was the takeaway here? After spending quality time with these cats, do I still perceive them as hair-covered Devils? Truth is, on that day, a handful of kittens snuck their way into my heart, which I hope they have the decency to not eat while I’m still alive and kicking. Overall, though, I still think of myself as a dog person. But there was a sense of community at this event that was hard to ignore. These cat owners and competitors were completely themselves in all their “open-toed, leopard-print shirt wearing” glory. And isn’t that the point to life? To just be happy and true to ourselves? In many ways, we should all aspire to live life by the code of the Cat Fancier.

As I drove back to Los Angeles, I sensed I was emerging into the world with a newfound appreciation of cats. And by “appreciation of cats,” I mean a t-shirt featuring a gigantic white tabby cat swatting at planes from the top of the Empire State Building. Hard to admit, but maybe I am a cat guy after all. Or maybe I bought that one because I instinctively knew that, like King Kong, the cat falls from the skyscraper in the end. Only time will tell.

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Another heartwarming moment from “The Many Adventures of Slashie the Pooh.”

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The Continuing Adventures of Slashie the Pooh.

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Slashie the Pooh was easily my favorite children’s book character.

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Pumped that Zack Snyder went with fan-favorite variant "Buckethead Batman" in Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice. 

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The Zodiac Ride Share App is admittedly sketchy, but -- come on -- those prices are unbeatable!

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A dumb dream becomes a dumb reality: CARL WEATHERS’ WEATHER.

Visit carlweathersweather.com for all your local weather/predator attack information.

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Kids: follow the sage advice of McPug the Horribly Inbred Crime Dog.

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Love "The Thin Red Line" pinball machine. No flippers/ball. You earn points by silently reflecting on horrors of war. 

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Is it just me, or are the Google Doodles getting weirder and weirder every holiday?

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The Terrence Malick Valentine's Day Card Collection.

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Finally a way to introduce our kids to the world of Entourage!

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Criterion announced it will release the entire Springfield Film Festival (March 5, 1995, "A Star Is Burns") on Blu-ray early next year. Titles include:

Barney Gumble's "Pukahontas"

Señor Spielbergo's "A Burns For All Seasons"

Moe Szyslak's musical joint, "Moe Better Booze"

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon's found footage film, "Bright Lights, Beef Jerky"

Bart Simpson's obesity documentary, "The Eternal Struggle"

Roger Myers, Jr. presents Itchy & Scratchy in "Four Funerals and a Wedding"

Ned Flanders' biblical film, "The Life of the Moses"

Hans Moleman Productions Presents "Man Getting Hit By Football"

Oscar-winning reboot: George C. Scott's "Man Getting Hit By Football"

[monsterlunch]

Selling an original Hoobastanksy. Do I hear $10 million dollars? Fine. $1.99. Sold. Just get that crap off my wall.

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You can only pull the football away from Charlie Brown so many times before he becomes a full-on Juggalo. 

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Head on over to CarlWeathersWeather.com for all the latest weather forecasts and Predator attack developments.