2.19.21
I think I'm going to go back to using this like a journal. I feel like there is a nostalgia to using a public forum as a way to divulge private thoughts that would probably be better suited to a physical diary. It’s very millennial. We all want to be the main character, no matter how we may shrug off what minor sense of fame we receive on these websites. I feel like I've lived the life of a minor character. Not a supporting role, but not quite an extra. Like the “featuring _____” role named in the credits, but you can’t really pin point who they are or why they received the title card to begin with. That has been me. The only time I really feel like the main character is in my dreams. It’s the only time I feel really connected to what is happening around me. Something about that environment makes me feel like I am actually at the center of something. One should hope they would be in the titular role of their own subconscious rigamarole. That’d be pretty awkward to finally drift into REM only to find that you’re the supporting character of your own brain’s reshuffling of the days events. I like to imagine that if there is an afterlife, that it would be something like this. I read once that your consciousness remains processing for some time after you die, despite your body shutting down. Falling into REM is the closest we’ll get to this experience without actually dying. Constantly flirting with the afterlife every night for roughly 6-7 hours is such a tease. No wonder dudes wake up with morning wood.
