Yesterday I had salvia divinorum. Today I am clear. I feel icy, chill, concrete. I can finally breathe and soften these tense shoulders I had carried like a pile of bricks. Since yesterday, I’ve had several signs from the universe. I had been asking, “what am I here for?” and questions of my purpose. Some may say that is egocentric because we are just here to live. But I’ve alway felt I need to feel my use and potential to become someone who loves herself and loves what she does everyday. I haven’t been entirely happy lately, i feel, because of my inability to focus on my “strength” or anything i want to pursue throughout these years as me. I’ve nibbled on so many topics and ideas, film, music, psychology, acting, photography, philosophy… And i couldn’t decide which direction to take; humanities as a study or art in the world of acting and music. yesterday during my salvia trip, a few seconds after intake, I felt time shrink into a black hole as I was sucked into a dimension that felt like I was seeing through a fisheye lens. everything became slower, my temperature rose and I was no longer aware of this plane. Only that second existed, except that my own subconscious projected itself into my visual reality. I forgot where I was or what I was doing or with who. Just looking down, I was in another fantasy-like universe. I was sitting on a cracked, fallen tree. There was a woman’s face inside of the crack. She had long nails and a big mouth with a wide grin full of big teeth. Inside the tree’s walls, there were serpents spinning in circles, almost as if they were the woman’s hands. I knew she was female because she was speaking to me in a low, feminine voice. She lured me inside the tree trunk, telling me “we have to go now…he can’t come with us.” (referring to pablo). It was so very much real that I was physically afraid, sweating and saying, “stop, stop, stop!!” I wanted to not be there in that situation. My voice began to come out like a mumble and cracked, sounding between half-asleep and drunk. But I was aware of the environment, and became so afraid that I told her that he had to come with us. I said, “Pablo, come here, come, we have to go. On the count of three we jump in.” I grabbed him and was calculating my jump. She was angry, and kept closing her tree crack opening. For some reason it still felt urgent that I went in but I wouldn’t on my own. Then I associated myself with Pablo again and spoke normally, until I looked down and saw the tree’s leaves on the floor move like scales on a snake. There were brown parts seeping out of the tree and other yellow ones that were from the serpents, slithering from the tree to the floor. I told pablo that it was so crazy that the earth could move that way. I was convinced that the earth was speaking to me, saying that we had to be careful because we thought we were the kings of the land. I stared apologizing to the woman. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry we were in your circle.” Her face looked so scary to me, trying to convince me to go inside and then punishing me for being unkind to the earth. After five real-time minutes, the effect faded. I kept feeling elevated from this detention but now aware of the situation and not hallucinating. Just shocked from the visually and mentally stimulating circumstance. I’m not sure what It meant or what it was projecting from my mind, but today I have felt so clear headed and happy. I think it leaves the door between the conscious and unconscious ajar so that during the day, my answers and solutions flow easier and I seem to know where I really want to go. Like if the answer had been there all along but now I am convinced of it. Feeling happy derives from what you do everyday that can put you in situations that just make you feel happy. What do I like doing everyday? - feeling good in nice ambiances and environments - feeling a routine throughout the week - writing, observing, analyzing, getting to a conclusion - creating stories - communicating my thoughts and opinions to the world - taking pictures - documenting everything i find important for others to see - reading and sharing about spiritual and cosmic ideas - conversing with others , hearing others It sums up to communicating. I’ve been pushing aside my possibility to study, and study a lot. Psychology, creative writing, communications. All these things are ultimately what I like doing everyday. Why keep chasing a dream that is basically a “dream” for others? To be admired? Liked? Followed? I could merge music and acting into what i’ll end up doing after I have studied and collected enough learning experience to begin speaking for myself. I can do so much. Motivated for ME. Not the world. Or expectations of those who I’ve told, “I’m going to make it.” I mean, why? Everything will fall into place. The universe follows patterns through our own minds and beginning with our soul’s purpose when we decide to come forth into this life. I may have not understood the tree woman, or where I was supposed to go, but I do know some clarity was settled in my daily life and my struggle to find my purpose.
