pairing: ot8!skz, bf!skz x fem!reader
tags: swearing, hurtful messages, mentions of eating + drinking, heavy angst, no comfort, established relationship, jisung has a panic attack
βΉ Λ α²πΌ author's note - fake text masterlist is up now !! thank you all so much for engaging with my content, i love reading all your comments. taglist is getting super long ahaha <3 requests are open !!
βΉ Λ α²πΌ fic note - comment if you want hyungline part 3 or maknae line part 3 !!
pairing: ot8!skz, bf!skz x fem!reader
tags: swearing, hurtful messages, mentions of eating + drinking, heavy angst, no comfort, established relationship, all of them are kind of cruel
part 1 | part 2
skz masterlist
βΉ Λ α²πΌ author's note - this one is worse than the hyung line so be warned
pairing: ot8!skz, bf!skz x fem!reader
tags: swearing, hurtful messages, mentions of eating + drinking, heavy angst, no comfort, established relationship, want part 3?
part 1 | part 2
skz masterlist
βΉ Λ α²πΌ author's note - thanks for the hype, mwah !! comment for the maknaes <3
pairing: ot8!skz, bf!skz x fem!reader
tags: swearing, hurtful messages, mentions of eating + drinking, heavy angst, no comfort, established relationship
part 1 | part 2
skz masterlist
βΉ Λ α²πΌ author's note - i feel bad for making them mean assholes but oh well. suffer !!
pairing: ot8!skz, bf!skz x fem!reader
tags: use of pet names, swearing, midnight shenanigans, established relationships, seungmin threatens reader jokingly (mostly)...
skz masterlist
βΉ Λ α²πΌ author's note - asks are open!
βΉ Λ α²πΌ fic note - dividers by @saradika-graphics
pairing: ot8!skz, bf!skz x fem!reader
tags: slightly suggestive, use of pet names, swearing, general chaos all around, mentions of eating + drinking, mentions of insects (duh)... are spiders an insect?? i don't think so lmao
skz masterlist
βΉ Λ α²πΌ author's note - someone get the fake text generator away from me i'm having way too much fun lol
βΉ Λ α²πΌ fic note - dividers by @cafekitsune
pairing: ot8!skz, bf!skz x fem!reader
tags: reader jokes about jumping off a bridge, slightly suggestive, general chaos, jisung needs to be more careful
skz masterlist
βΉ Λ α²πΌ author's note - first smau fic!! i've been wanting to do these for a while so please let me know if you'd want more of them . . . as always, reqs are open <3
stupidly perfect - (bsf!bang chan x reader) part 6
pairing: best friend!bang chan x reader
tags: arguments, chan cries, mentions of injuries, mentions of eating + drinking, jisung needs to work on his coordination skills
skz masterlist | stupidly perfect masterlist
βΉ Λ α²πΌ author's note - part six yay !! part seven is in progress, comment your thoughts on the series so far <3
part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part five | part six
You stand frozen in the doorway, hand half-hanging off the handle.
Felix is utterly motionless in panic, hands clenched on the couch beside him.
Minho makes the first move, clocking the tension instantly.
He leans forward and hauls himself up off the couch, a hand reached out as if to placate you. In doing so, he puts his bad ankle on the floor, putting weight on it, and cries out harshly.
"Shit-!"
Snapping out of your shock, you rush around the couch and push him to sit down again, kneeling down to check his foot. He winces, exhaling deeply, chest heaving. Felix moves to his side, concerned, cheeks flushed red.
He looks humiliated.
"Minho," you say hurriedly. "Did you feel anything crack or twist?"
He shakes his head, panting. "No- Just aches, it's fine..."
You press a hand to your head and move around him to the kitchen for ice. Just as you pull open the freezer, the door gets slammed all the way out, hanging ajar from where you'd left it open.
Jisung rushes in and slips on your keys.
You flinch, squeezing your eyes shut as he crashes to the floor, smacking his elbow on the doorframe.
Felix stands, wide-eyed. "Jisung-"
"Management called a meeting," he says breathlessly, clumsily taking your offered hand as he sits up, rubbing his arm. "They want all of us in the admin office."
The room goes silent, then Felix hastily climbs over the back of the couch and slips his shoes on. He heads out the door, ignoring your quiet plea for him to stay. Your outstretched hand goes ignored and Jisung takes it instead, almost bringing you down as he lifts himself off the floor.
"Let's go," he says, dusting his shirt off, unfazed. "Meeting starts in five minutes-"
"Did the say what the meeting was for?" You hold your hands out to stop him hastily.
"Nope, just called us all in." He picks up your keys and tosses them at you. "Come on-"
"Me too," Minho says calmly from the couch, still clutching his ankle.
You look at him, exasperated, then at Jisung. "Surely they'll let him off since he's injured..."
"Yeah, but he's nosy so he'll want to go," he replies next to you. "He'syourproblemthoughbye!"
You swear at him as he skids out the door, leaving you alone with Minho. Groaning excessively loud, you help him off the couch and begin the process of heading out of the dorm.
"Hurry up," you say impatiently as he slowly puts his shoes on. "We might be in trouble."
"We're always in trouble," he replies, composed. "Either Innie swore on camera, Hyunjin got into a fight with the photoshoot staff, or Jisung blew something up. Or all three-"
"Minho!"
"Okay, okay, I'm coming," he huffs, standing up on one foot. He takes a crutch.
"Let's go."
.
You open the door so Minho can go in first, and when you shut it behind yourself, the tension in the air is thick and heavy.
Everyone is silent.
Not everyone, you think, noticing the several empty chairs positioned around the long white table. Changbin stands to help you sit Minho down, pulling the chair out for him. You say a quiet thank you and it sounds magnitudinous in the silence of the room.
There are five staff members scattered around the room, one who you know to be the head manager sitting at the head of the table. He does not look pleased.
He glances across at Jeongin, who slides down in his chair, giving Seungmin a look. He doesn't make a sarcastic face back and that's when you know it's serious.
Jisung fidgets with his hands under the table, wincing slightly as Hyunjin opens the door, striding in with a flushed face, breathless. He registers the tension and quietly sits down, giving Jisung a look that clearly makes you think that he's asking what he did. The younger just shrugs in response.
You sit down next to Minho, and Felix, who is sitting on your left, minutely scoots his chair away. Your heart snaps into shards and you look across at him, wounded, but he quietly stares ahead, gaze fixed on the table.
Minho is shifting next to you, clearly irritated about the pain in his ankle. He makes to look at the staff members, but they shoot him a look back, silencing him completely. You feel rather indignant on his behalf.
"Are we all here?" Manager Jeon says, tone firm and businesslike. He huffs and leans forward.
There's a moment of silence where everyone looks around the table, registering who is here and who isn't, and one of the staff members sighs audibly before looking at the empty chair next to Seungmin.
Manager Jeon pinches the bridge of his nose before standing up. "We'll continue without him. We called you all here to discuss your performance."
The air in the room shifts instantly to something more anxious.
"You've all been underperforming for days-"
The door slams open and Chan rushes in, closing it hastily behind him. He bows, apologising profusely, and takes the empty chair, looking rather pale and upset.
Jeon does not look happy. His face hardens minimally, but you notice it.
They all do.
"As I was saying," he continues harshly, "You've all been underperforming for days now. Schedules have not been executed, fan interactions have not been initiated, and your overall reputation as a group is starting to suffer."
He motions to the staff member on his right, who turns off the lights. A video appears on the screen behind him.
You know it's the last performance that they did. One signalling the start of the comeback era.
That was the day after me and Chan kissed, you think. I completely forgot they had to perform at Music Bank the next day...
Manager Jeon clicks the video off, tutting at the performance video, and swipes up on his screen to reveal the comments under the video post.
He clears his throat, cold. "Some of the comments left under the video:
"Felix seems upset... like he's distracted by something instead of focusing on the choreography.
"Chan is in another world entirely, haha. Wonder if he finally lost his touch.
"Jeongin clearly didn't want this part- he can't get his voice to keep up.
"Hyunjin is overdoing it, look how hard he's trying. He's probably trying to make up for Minho not being there."
You glance at Hyunjin across the table. His head is bowed, jaw tense, eyes suspiciously shiny. He looks like he's about to shatter.
Minho visibly clenches his entire body next to you.
Jeon turns the lights back on and tosses his tablet down on the table with a clatter, making you all jump. "You have all been severely neglecting your duties. And you-" He jabs a finger at Chan.
"You've been neglecting your job the most. You missed three production sessions, left rehearsals early without a valid reason, and clearly you haven't been on top of managing your members."
You bite your lip, flinching at the harshness of his tone. Chan shrinks into his chair, but doesn't break eye contact as Jeon continues.
Felix is the next victim.
"You went missing for half a day. Do you know how many staff members I sent out looking for you?"
Felix looks so emotionally fragile but he sits there and takes it. "Manager-nim, I-"
"I don't want to hear it!" Jeon's face is red. "You also missed your mandatory check in yesterday. As for the rest of you... I don't know what's going on between you all, and frankly, it's none of my business, but you all need to get your act together."
Chan tries to reason, face a mixture of emotion. "Manager-nim, I'm sorry, but-"
"But what, Chan?" Jeon snaps at him. "You can't possibly be reasoning with this. You've been slacking off the most. Your members are clearly involved in some sort of conflict, you're missing production sessions consistently, and this all becomes my business when the group starts to suffer publicly."
"Manager-nim, please-"
"You're losing control of the team."
Silence draws a knife through the air.
Chan's face is pale and frozen.
The rest of the members sit with their heads down, bodies tense, and even Seungmin has the good grace to look away.
Jeon slams a hand on the table and exhales deeply, like he's a second away from throwing something against the wall. "You're all going to be separated temporarily."
Hyunjin's head snaps up in shock, followed by the rest of the members. Chan's face is strained, sallow like he might throw up, and a plea comes halfway out of his mouth before Jeon barrels on, snapping.
"Felix, you'll be moved to another temporary dorm for several weeks, starting today. Chan, you'll be scheduled five more sessions to make up for what you missed, no excuses. And stop hovering."
Chan looks like he might faint at this point, but just nods and bows his head, ashamed. Felix's eyes have welled up, jaw so tense you think he might shatter his own teeth.
Your fists bundle tightly in your lap in a fit of panic. But his stare is so angry and so intense that you don't dare argue, and you just seal your mouth with difficulty.
"Alright," Jeon says, irritated. "Dismissed. And if I hear that any of you are missing schedules from this point on, I'll put all your asses in a sling. Get out."
.
The walk back to the dorm is quiet.
All of you trudge silently in the same direction towards the lifts, and you press the button, hand shaking. You don't dare look at Felix.
The air is so thick once you all enter the lift that it becomes uncomfortably stifling, broken only by Jeongin's small sniff into Jisung's shoulder, quietly crying something about his singing. You make it a point to look away.
Hyunjin is staring at the lift doors, swallowing thickly, hands knotted behind his back. Felix looks like he'd rather be anywhere else than here, and his phone pings muffled in his pocket, no doubt staff instructions for moving his belongings to the new dorm.
Chan looks like he wants to cry.
His eyes are wide in terror, staring at the doors, shoulders shaking faintly, lip swollen from his anxious biting. His jaw is shaking slightly, like he's fighting not to collapse in front of the rest of you.
It breaks your heart.
He's probably taking it so hard, you think. They blamed him so much. All because of me. If I had just kept my mouth shut, none of this would have happened. I would rather him not know about my feelings than see him struggle like this.
I did this to him.
Felix stares at his leader's back.
He got blamed because of me, he stresses. If I hadn't run from him those nights ago because of Y/n, he wouldn't have been blamed so hard. He must be devastated.
The staff thinks he's losing control of the team... He prides himself so much on taking care of us, making it the focus of his life...
If they say he can't even do that, then what can he possibly think of himself now?
.
That night, your pillow is soaked in tears.
The leftovers you'd microwaved earlier sit cold in the other room on the table, forgotten. Your sheets are rumpled from the amount of tossing and turning you'd been doing, and you'd been to the bathroom several times, the guilt almost intense enough to make you throw up.
Now you lie there in the dark, fretting, stressing, stuck.
Your phone is by your side, within arm's reach, and you've battled five times now with the idea of texting one of the members.
But who?
Felix is actively avoiding me.
Chan must hate me right now.
Hyunjin is clearly upset from the performance comments.
Minho has enough on his mind.
You pull out your phone and scroll through your contacts, crossing the members off mentally. Sniffling, you sit up against the headboard, eyes stinging at the bright light radiating harshly from your device.
Giving up, you toss your phone to the side, burying your face in your hands. Rolling over, you squeeze your eyes shut and cry into the pillow, ugly muffled sobs that stain your face with snot, back heaving.
Eventually, your misery dulls, and you fall asleep.
.
11:27 PM
sungie: y/n?
sungie: y/n, wake up.
sungie: HEY
sungie: DON'T IGNORE ME
Groaning, you roll over, hand scrabbling blindly in the bedsheets for your phone. Desperate to stop the pinging, you sit up and fumble, clicking into your contacts. The light makes your head spin, nose blocked from your sobbing, and you rub your head as you enter the chat.
y/n: why are you awake?
sungie: are you okay?
sungie: after the meeting earlier...
y/n: i should be asking you that.
y/n: they got so mad at you all.
sungie: yeah, it hasn't been that bad in a while
sungie: wait, what are you talking about?
sungie: didn't they tell you?
You rub your eyes.
y/n: tell me what?
sungie: . . .
y/n: jisung.
sungie: i went out for air a couple hours after the meeting and i heard manager jeon and the others talking about you.
You cover your mouth, feeling the stress nausea rise up on you again.
y/n: what did they say?
sungie: they said you're being reassigned to another group.
sungie: itzy, i think?
sungie: they said you were becoming a liability, you know, because you're with us so often.
sungie: y/n?
sungie: i'm really sorry. i don't think any of us are going to see you for a while..
sungie: y/n? are you there?
You scramble off the bed, rush into the bathroom, and vomit.
.
2 WEEKS LATER
"Okay, let's run through it again."
The members pant as the choreographer restarts the music. He inspects each member's part, then his phone rings.
"Keep going til the end!" He calls out over the music before leaving the room.
Minho sits quietly against the mirrors, eyes fixed on that blank spot where he should be, dancing. It would be his center part right now...
It's almost healed, he tells himself, looking at his barefoot ankle. They'd cleared him of wearing the bandage several days ago, letting him go with a warning to stretch and ice it every night. Any day now and I can get back to dancing. Though I don't think it'd fix anything...
Felix has missed the chorus cue twice now; he hasn't been the same since management moved him to a new dorm. Seungmin looks rather distracted, Chan is barely moving, and the rest of the others are clearly in a wild state of disarray.
Yikes, he thinks. No wonder those performance comments were so harsh. They kind of had a point.
He watches as Jeongin runs into Hyunjin, both of them toppling to the floor. Jisung turns and complains loudly, Changbin buries his head in his hands, and Seungmin groans before stalking off to the side for a drink.
Rolling his eyes, Minho stands up and cuts the music.
Hyunjin is now bickering loudly with Jisung about his complaining, and Jeongin has already burst into tears on the floor, sobs filling the room. Felix bends down to his side, clearly out of it himself.
"Stop!" Minho shouts.
Seven pairs of eyes turn to look at him in shock.
"No wonder they called us in for a meeting those couple weeks ago," he says, strained. "We're a mess. We haven't fucked up a practice like this since debut."
He points his crutch at the group, exasperated. "Look, I know you're all upset, and there's a lot of drama going on, but it's been two weeks now, and we need to be able to rely on each other here. Since when did we fall out of sync?"
Jeongin sniffles.
Minho sighs. "In-ah, don't cry. You're doing great, okay? And the rest of you, we really need to talk about what's happening. We're a group, okay? And things are getting to the point where it's affecting our reputation, and that's when we need to discuss things. We're all just pretending nothing happened and it's making us a disaster."
He jabs his crutch in Chan's direction. "Forget about what they said about you losing control of the team. We all have a part to play, okay? And currently, none of us are doing it.
"But to be fair, things did start with you, so just tell us what happened. From the beginning, okay?"
Chan doesn't move.
"Hyung," Minho says softer, desperate. "Please. We worked so hard for this. We can't let it break now."
Chan bites his lip, jaw clenched, and storms out of the room.
The door slams loudly behind him.
Minho buries his face in his hands and moves to sit down with some difficulty besides Jeongin, touching his shoulder. "Everyone just take a break, okay? If the choreographer comes in, just say I tried to join in dancing, and Chan left to go to the bathroom."
"He won't buy that," Hyunjin says, resigned. He pushes Jisung off his middle, letting him fall unceremoniously to the side with an oof.
Minho gives him a defiant look. "Want me to sprain my other ankle so it sounds believable?"
Jisung groans from where he's sprawled on the floor. "Hyunjin just sprained mine anyways. Don't bother."
.
You head down the corridor, trying to keep track of all the papers in your arms.
You're starting to get used to your reassignment; the Itzy girls are lovely and were so welcoming, and within a few days, you were beginning to fall into a routine. You know management tried to keep you busy so you'd stay away from the boys.
The girls are currently preparing for their comeback, and with their previous manager on maternity leave, you have some big shoes to fill.
And a lot of paperwork to do too.
Sighing, you struggle to bend down, picking up a fallen sheet of paper. Heading around the corner, you're immediately knocked to the floor.
Someone cannonballs right into you and topples down beside you, a wild mess of limbs and arms. Paperwork swirls around you both, falling to the floor like the feathery remains of a divebombed bird.
You groan, rubbing your head.
"Sorry," Chan says shakily.
You blink, eyes widening.
He sits up, rubbing his head, casting a glance as a sheet of paper floats down, elegantly landing on your head.
You sit there, dazed and in shock. Partly from the fall, partly from the fact that Chan is right in front of you. It feels like ages since you've seen each other. This wasn't really how you expected to cross paths with him again, even after a matter of weeks.
It feels illegal.
You pull the sheet of paper off your head, watching as Chan scrambles to pick up your fallen work. "I, uh, I should've looked before I went around the corner-"
"Yeah, uh, it's okay," you say awkwardly, rubbing your tailbone. "Um, why are you running...?"
Chan looks like he's about to make an excuse, but abruptly thinks better of it. He stands, shuffling your paperwork into a heap. "I left practice."
You swallow thickly. "Oh."
"Yeah."
An awkward silence hangs in the air. For lack of speech, Chan hastily offers you a hand up, and after a pause, you take it. Heat floods to your face, because his hand is as warm and dry and calloused as before this all happened.
Before.
You're not sure what to say as he lets go. This feels wrong, being next to him, being this close. Maybe because it is. Felix's face flashes into your mind and the heat in your stomach is quickly overtaken by guilt.
"Is he okay?" You blurt out without thinking.
Chan blinks. "Uh, who...?"
You look away from him, face burning with humiliation. "Felix. After..."
You hear the thick bob of his throat as he swallows, shoulders tense on his frame. "He's... We're all just messy right now. Um..."
"Right," you say, tucking your hair behind your ear, an anxious habit. Chan notices instantly. "I should, uh, I should probably go."
"Oh. Yeah." Chan hastily picks up the last few sheets of paper, handing them to you awkwardly. "Yeah."
You nod once, far too frantic, and then turn and quickly make your way down the corridor, almost tripping in your haste. Your heart is pounding and then your turn the corner, almost sagging into yourself as you slow your pace.
You're jerked back by your hand.
The paperwork goes flying for the second time, scattering in the air, and Chan's hand is firmly around your wrist, grip warm and solid. You can feel the sweat dampening your skin.
You look up at him in shock.
"I'm sorry," he stutters out.
You stare.
So does he.
Miraculously, after a pause, you're able to construct a coherent sentence. "Why?"
Maybe not a whole sentence.
Chan swallows again and you're sure he's got a sore throat from it already. "About- about what happened. In the corridor."
You stare at him in disbelief, heart sinking. "You're sorry for kissing me."
"No!" His eyes widen, frantic. "No, of course not, no, that isn't what I meant, just-" He cuts himself off, inhaling. "I didn't mean for it to be like this..."
"But it is," you say quietly, eyes glossy. "This is why I kept quiet for so long, Chan. Because even after all this, I still don't know what we are."
"Y/n, please, I didn't plan things to play out like this," he says desperately, still holding onto you.
"Then what did you plan?"
He goes silent at that. You tug your wrist out of his grip and he actually whimpers. Like you've just shot him in the heart.
"What do you want from me?" He whispers finally, eyes welling up. "Please. Just tell me. So we can end this."
End this.
He stands there and you almost go dizzy from the thoughts spinning in your mind.
"I don't know," you say finally, voice so quiet you can barely hear it yourself. A tear spills down your cheek. "Okay? I just- I never meant to mess things up like this. I thought that it'd be easier if you'd just rejected me outside the restaurant, then I could be miserable on my own and then just move on with my life. I didn't plan on bringing Felix into this, okay? I never had any clue, and if I had known, I would've let him down easily. But then you and I kissed, and I only figured it out when I walked into the dorm and Felix was busy ranting to Minho about it. It's just-" You press a hand to your forehead. "It's all such a mess."
"You're still not telling me what you want," he whispers. "You're just telling me what happened."
"I just wanted you to love me back," you cry out finally. "That's all I wanted. But you keep changing your mind, to protect me, to protect Felix, to protect yourself. We kissed, and even now I still don't know if you meant it or if it was just the heat of the moment. I just wanted an answer, Chan. Please. Just give me one. I don't care what it is. Just give me a clear answer."
His face is strained. "It isn't that simple."
"Why?" You cry. "Because of Felix's feelings?"
He presses his hands to his eyes, overwhelmed. "I can't break his heart like that-"
"Chan, you already have, both of us have!" You scrub a hand across your cheek. "We messed everything up. The least you can do is tell me the truth."
He doesn't reply.
"Chan," you beg, crying. "Please."
He's crying openly now too, body tense like he'd rather hold it all in than crumble to pieces in front of you. And you hate him for it, because the old Chan, the Chan you knew before all of this, would've melted into your arms and immediately told you what was wrong.
The realisation that things will never be like that between you both ever again drops grief heavily on your soul, so sudden and sharp and dark that you think you might just heave and collapse where you stand.
"I'm sorry," he cries, hand shaking violently as he wipes his face. "I didn't mean for any of it to be like this. I wanted to talk to you so badly about it all, but I was a coward and I avoided you because I couldn't bear the consequences, and I brought my team down with me." He sniffs. "They're all a mess because I couldn't keep it together."
He swallows and then coughs, and your heart shatters further as you confirm your earlier prediction. His throat will be aching by tomorrow, and another tear slips down your cheek. You know him too well.
Part of you wishes you didn't.
"I danced around it all for so long," he continues, heaving. "I lied to you back then, when you came home from hospital, about my feelings."
He lifts his head, utterly wrecked, tears staining his face. "I love you, Y/n. And I was stupid to let it stay unsaid all this time."
stupidly perfect - (bsf!bang chan x reader) part 5
pairing: best friend!bang chan x reader
tags: arguments, heavy on the angst, mentions of injuries + taking care of injuries, non-physical fighting, lots of crying (oops), general trauma vibes
skz masterlist | stupidly perfect masterlist
βΉ Λ α²πΌ author's note - hihi finally new chapter is here !! hopefully the whole series didn't just fade (to everyone who waited patiently for a part 5, i luv u)
part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part five
Chan is rather quiet as he pulls back.
Your head spins; partly because he's just kissed you in a flurry of heat on the stairs, and also because you've both just witnessed Felix watching you both make out from the end of the corridor.
But why does he look so upset...?
Your first instinct is to run after him, but the magnetic pull of Chan's warmth and the solid form of his chest keeps you rooted to the spot.
Neither of you speak.
Chan lets go rather hesitantly, clearing his throat, lips swollen, ears red, and steps back. "Uh..."
You shift in place. "Uhm- yeah. So-"
"I'm sorry," he blurts out. "It was dumb. Everything I did."
You choke out a laugh at the absurdity of the situation. "That's a broad statement."
"I, uh, I know," he rubs the back of his head, clumsy after the heated moment. "I just- I wanted to come see you so badly when you were in hospital, but I didn't because I felt so afraid of what I would say, and I didn't want you to feel overwhelmed if I confessed after hurting your feelings like that."
"You said you would never have feelings for me." You fix him with a look, still dizzy from the kiss.
He chokes on his tongue, pulling you away from the stairs lest you fall once again. "Yeah, I just- I got so frustrated. But it isn't an excuse. I'm so truly sorry, Y/n. I was so immature-"
"Absolutely."
He groans and tugs you into his chest, burying his face in your shoulder. You can feel the heat on his face against your skin. "You're making this more difficult than it has to be."
You nod righteously. "I think you deserve it."
He sighs, agreeing. The hug starts to feel awkward so you pull away stiffly, and he stands there like a marching soldier, hands flitting by his sides.
"I, uhm- I should probably go and check on Felix," he says quietly.
You nod, cheeks flushed. "Right. Well, um, see you later."
He nods back for a second too long, then turns to leave. You watch him go, turn hastily around the corner.
On the stairs, you trip again.
.
"Felix?" Chan knocks softly on his own door. "Can I come in?"
There's no reply. Chan pushes open the door anyways and steps in, but the air is cold and Felix is not there. He has a habit of hiding in the leader's room when he's stressed, but no sign of him.
Sighing, Chan checks his bathroom before shutting the door once more. Heading into the dorm kitchen, he notices Minho sitting on the couch, his show playing, but he's clearly not paying any attention, looking rather nonchalantly off to the side.
"What is it, Minho." His tone is deadpan, rather frustrated.
"Felix went out by himself earlier," the younger replies, obviously having had a plan to let Chan search the dorms on his own. He ignores the leader's scowl and continues. "Why are you looking for him?"
Chan sighs, rubbing a hand over his forehead. "No reason. Just- wanted to talk to him about something..."
Minho fixes his leader with a stare. "Did you two fight?"
"No, just- I just needed to see him."
"Right," Minho picks up the remote and turns the TV off. "You'll work it out. Can you get me more water, please?"
Chan nods. "Sure, uh, yeah."
He heads to the kitchen, fills a glass, then brings it back down, setting it on the table. Minho blinks quietly.
"I'm gonna go out," Chan says. "To look for him."
.
Down on the lower levels of the JYPE building, Felix is tucked in the corner of the dance studio, crying.
He wipes his face with a sleeve, smearing his tears over his cheeks, sniffling. The studio is dim, the lower wings void of staff and artists, so he knows nobody will find him here.
The door opens and he immediately freezes, tucking himself behind the cabinet further so as not to be seen. So much for that plan.
"Felix," says a resigned, quiet voice. "I know you're in here. You stood me up."
Hyunjin looks around the practice room. No sign of him, but a tiny sniffle in the corner gives it away. He smiles sadly and quietly sits down beside him, making it a point to give him space.
"You could've just told me if you didn't wanna eat out at the restaurant," he says reasonably. "I wouldn't have minded, Lix."
"It's not that."
Hyunjin bites his lip. The younger sounds so sad and defeated that his voice itself is watering, weak and pitchy. Shedding his jacket, he drapes it over the sniffling boy before scooting a little closer.
"What happened?" He asks quietly, stroking his hair. "Chan told me what happened with Y/n, then he was asking me where you were..."
Felix doesn't respond. He looks heartbroken.
Oh.
"You saw them kissing, didn't you?" Hyunjin says quietly.
At the mention of that, Felix breaks down completely, burying his face harshly in his arms, shoulders shaking with the force of his crying. He lets out a small whimper and lets the older tug him in gently, shushing him, stroking his back.
"Oh, Felix," he whispers. "I'm so sorry."
He sniffles. "It's not- it's not fair."
"I know," he soothes. "I know."
They sit there for a while, not really moving, not staying still either. Felix rocks back and forth, arms wrapped around himself, sobs quieting.
Once he's calmed down, Hyunjin strokes his shoulder attentively. He inhales. "Why didn't you tell her?"
Felix looks at him with wide, watery eyes. "What?"
"Why didn't you tell Y/n you liked her?" Hyunjin whispers. "You could've had a chance-"
"I didn't because I knew Chan-hyung liked her," he says miserably. "I thought my feelings would fade, I wanted to tell her but it seemed selfish to confess after they fought..."
"But you were relieved, weren't you?"
Silence.
Hyunjin continues, chest clenching even though he knows he's probably making things worse. Someone needed to tell him. "Lix, they fought, and you were happy, weren't you? Because you tried so hard to get Y/n to confess to Chan, but you were really just testing the waters for confessing, right-"
"That's not true!" He cries back, standing up abruptly. "I did want both of them to be happy, and it hurt knowing Y/n liked him, and I thought I had a chance once they fought, but-" He cuts himself off, sobbing into his hands. "It doesn't seem right."
Hyunjin sighs and stands too, feeling the weight of the younger's emotions. He takes a gentle step forward, wrapping his arms firmly around his friend's, sighing into his hair.
"I want you to be happy either way," he says quietly through the sniffling. "But, Lix, it won't happen if you keep it in all this time."
"But when am I supposed to tell her?"
"When things calm down," Hyunjin pulls back, looking him firmly in the eye. "Just- take care of yourself for now. I'm going to go talk to Chan."
Felix's eyes widen once more and he shakes his head rapidly. "Don't do that, he-"
"He already knew you saw," his friend says pointedly. "Y/n knew you saw too. Chan knows you like her, Y/n doesn't. This can be solved, okay?"
Felix shakes his head again. "How?"
The breath stutters out of Hyunjin's lungs. And for the first time, he finds he doesn't really know the answer to that question.
Yet.
.
5:13 PM
chan: did you find felix? i went out to the recording rooms and the main studio but he isn't there.
hyunjin: you're a fucking idiot.
chan: i know, i know, okay? you know where he is, right? is he...?
hyunjin: he's really upset, chan.
hyunjin: y/n doesn't know he likes her. what did you say to her?
hyunjin: please say you didn't tell her 'felix likes you'...
chan: of course not! i didn't do that. i just-
chan: i just told her that he probably thought it was an inappropriate moment to walk into...
hyunjin: and she bought that?
chan: well, yeah, because it was kind of unexpected. so i guess it makes sense to why he left...
hyunjin: this is another lie you'll have to explain to Y/n when the time is right.
hyunjin: or when shit blows up. either way, it's going to get messy, chan-hyung.
chan: how am i supposed to keep this from y/n?
hyunjin: you tell me. you chased after her and kissed her.
hyunjin: you just already decided for y/n instead of letting her make that decision on her own.
hyunjin: you know i'll always be here, hyung, but you really messed it up. both of you.
chan: i know.
hyunjin: just figure out an outcome that doesn't hurt you, y/n, or felix.
chan: easier said than done.
.
Later that night, Chan lies in bed.
He's not even sure why he got under the covers- there's no way sleep will be coming to him, and he doesn't think he could relax even if he tried.
I'm so confused.
He turns on his side.
I flirted with Chae, not realising Y/n liked me. Then I almost got her killed after she confessed to me, then I avoided her, then I lied about my feelings so that Felix might have a chance, and Y/n has no idea Felix likes her, and then I ran out after her and kissed her stupid.
Chan chews on his lip. He turns onto his stomach, burying his face in the pillows. His chest feels all hot, ears tingling.
I kissed her.
He can't fight the small smile that rises on his face; it had felt so good, so relieving, and she'd fit so perfectly into his arms. All his fears of being pushed away and slapped and rejected had been delusional. She'd kissed him back.
But at what cost?
He'd hurt Felix. And it was unfortunate timing that he happened to see. Maybe he could've let him down easier, broken the news to him gently that him and Y/n were dating...
But are me and Y/n even dating now? Because we kissed? Is that how it works, or no? I don't think so.
Fuck, I'm bad at this.
The smile melts off his face, replaced with a hard line.
I can't lose either of them.
I need to talk to Y/n too... I need to figure out what we are. I don't think she'll forgive me fully for the way I acted, even if she said she did...
Should I text her?
Or would that be weird?
Would it just be making me look awkward- well, even more awkward than I am right now? Asking what we are, and what to do from here.
It sounds stupid. It sounds really dumb.
She doesn't even know Felix likes her. She just thinks that he got upset because he walked in at the wrong time. So she's going to think it's weird if I don't just leap into being affectionate with her...
And Felix.
He won't talk to me. Not for the next few days at least. I just need to be kind to him. I hate the fact I hurt him.
I must have broken his heart.
What sort of friend even am I?
.
11:56 PM
felix: are you up?
felix: jinnie?
hyunjin: i am now. what's wrong? you okay?
felix: i can't sleep.
hyunjin: . . .
hyunjin: still thinking about earlier?
felix: i can't help it.
felix: i should've acted sooner, but if i did, chan-hyung would be in my position right now... i didn't want it to be like this.
hyunjin: i know, lix.
felix: i really don't want to talk to either of them. i don't think i can.
hyunjin: then don't. take your time. but the others have no clue what happened.
hyunjin: do you want me to tell them?
felix: no. don't.
felix: i just
felix: i need some space from everyone, okay?
hyunjin: i can tell. just- try not to do anything hasty, yeah?
felix: yeah, because that's chan's job.
hyunjin: yongbok.
felix: i know, i know, okay? just- i didn't expect it at all. i don't even know what y/n thinks now.
felix: do you think she knows i like her now?
hyunjin: i don't think so. i texted chan earlier.
hyunjin: he said he told her that you ran off and looked upset because you thought you were intruding on a private moment.
hyunjin: something along those lines.
hyunjin: apparently she bought it though, so don't worry.
felix: this is all so messy, jinnie.
hyunjin: oh, 100%.
.
"Ow. Fuck-"
Sighing, you lift the icepack off Minho's ankle, waiting for his dramatics to finish. "Are you done?"
He lets out an exaggerated moan, throwing a hand over his eyes, shifting wildly on the back of the couch. Then he stops, dropping his hand and giving you a pleasant smile.
"Now I'm done," he says.
You toss the icepack at him. "If you're going to be so fussy, just do it yourself. Seriously. I still need to change the bandage."
Minho whines. "But that takes forever."
You rub a hand over your face, looking at him dryly. "Well, it's not like you were going anywhere-"
"Watch it," he hisses, lifting his injured foot off the small table in retaliation. "I only have a week left. Then I can go back to dancing. And kicking your sorry ass."
"Very funny."
He huffs as you fetch the kit from his bedroom, sent by the staff from the doctor's office. Pulling out a fresh roll of compression bandage, you slowly take the old one off, wipe down the skin gently before winding the new one tightly around his foot.
Minho groans again, trying to be dramatic, but tapers off when he sees your expression.
Mouth set in a line. Eyebags. Tense shoulders.
He sobers quietly. "What's wrong?"
You look up. "Hmm? Nothing's wrong." You try a laugh, but it comes out pathetically flat.
Minho moves his foot to distract you and you glare at him. "Min. Come on-"
"I know you better than that," he says. "Just tell me what happened. You look awful."
You set the roll of bandage down, silent.
Minho sighs softly, leaning forward. "You don't have to tell me. Sorry for pushing. Just- I don't want you to be upset. Chan is acting off enough as it is... And now you."
At the mention of his name, you stiffen, feeling your cheeks grow hot. From embarrassment or shyness or guilt, you're not sure. Maybe all three to an extent.
Minho blinks. "Are you sure you didn't fight with him?"
If only you knew.
"I'm sure," you exhale.
He doesn't look convinced, but lets it go.
.
The next day, Minho decides he's had enough of the couch.
Stubbornly pushing past Changbin and ignoring his protests, he hobbles all the way to the maknaes' dorm, practicing his steps. It doesn't hurt as much to put weight on his ankle now, but he's still careful not to push himself, lest he extent the waiting period for healing.
He bangs on the door with a crutch.
Jisung opens the door, half a Cheeto to his mouth, and pauses.
"Are you supposed to be out of bed?"
Minho smiles proudly. "No."
Jisung sighs and finishes off his Cheeto, crunching. "I'm calling Chan-hyung-"
His friend raises a crutch to his head.
"Oh, yeah, no, sure- Yeah, come in," Jisung says hastily, pushing the door open.
With some difficulty, he gets over the threshold and heads straight for the couch. He did leave the hyung dorm to get off the couch there, but this is different. Besides, the maknaes' place is comfier.
Minho flops down with an oof, tossing his crutches on the floor. Jisung sighs and heads down the hallway into his room, where the faint noises of an anime episode project battle audio into the air.
Seungmin's shoes are not by the door, meaning he went out, and Jeongin's door is shut, so it's highly likely he's asleep.
He'd sleep through a tornado if he could, Minho thinks dryly, pulling out his phone.
About an hour passes, and nobody bursts into the dorm to drag him back. So he floats in a blissfully quiet atmosphere, perpetuated by videos of Soonie, and the mild sleepiness slowly overtaking his mind fogs his vision.
He settles down sideways into the squishy cushions and falls asleep.
.
"Hyung. Wake up..."
"Nuh..."
Felix sighs, switching to aggressively rubbing Minho's shoulder. He stirs sleepily, hair sticking up. "You're not supposed to leave your dorm."
Groaning, Minho pushes him off, sitting upright. "I got bored. Jisung let me in, anyways."
The younger gives him a look. "Jisung told me you threatened him with your crutches."
He scratches his injured ankle nonchalantly.
Felix sighs. "He went out for a lesson anyways. Jeongin is still asleep since he had a shoot earlier, and Seungmin went out to eat with a friend."
Fully awake now, Minho observes his friend. Felix has always been slim, but his figure looks hollow, downturned at the edges, heavy with a weight he can't quite name. His hair is messy and his eyes are baggy.
"Have you been crying?" He asks suddenly.
Felix doesn't answer, just stands and heads to the kitchen.
Minho stares after him, mildly confused.
He comes back with a glass of water, handing it to his friend, but Minho refuses, lifting the glass to the younger's lips.
Felix sighs and gives him a look, but drinks half the glass anyways, and sets it down on the table with an air of resignation.
Minho's words are careful. "Yongbok... Have you not been eating?"
Silence. Then Felix shakes his head.
"Oh, hey," he says softly, sitting up in concern. "You need to eat, okay? How are you supposed to function?
Felix looks down at his hands, twisting them in his lap in a rather uncharacteristic show of anxiety. "I didn't have the energy, hyung."
Minho takes a sip from the half-empty glass. "Why not?"
Felix leans back into the couch cushions, lip wobbling slightly. He doesn't dare look at Minho, lest he burst into tears. "I saw Y/n and Chan-hyung kissing."
Minho splutters on the water, thwacking his chest. "What?"
His friend nods.
The older boy's eyes are wide, and he sets the glass down haphazardly. "When did this happen? Is that why they've both been so off?"
"I-" he looks miserable. "I walked into the corridor and they were kissing by the stairs. I just- it's all so messed up."
Minho tilts his head. "Why messed up? Is it because you still feel you're too young to experience such things-"
"I like her, hyung."
Minho hacks on the water again, eyes stinging. "Oh-"
"It's just-" Felix furiously scrubs at his cheeks., something clicking in the background. "I didn't tell her quickly enough, and Chan-hyung knew I liked her, but I saw them together and just- I don't know how to feel..."
His friend listens quietly, saying nothing.
He needs to get it off his chest.
"I talked to Hyunjin, because he knew about it all, it just bothers me so much, because- You know, I knew she liked him and I figured I didn't have a chance, so I wanted them to be happy." Felix exhales shakily. "Then all the fighting happened, and I wanted to tell her when she was in hospital, which is why I went to see her, but it felt inappropriate, so I didn't."
Minho listens, dumbfounded.
Felix continues ranting, voice shaky. "It was so unexpected to see them together like that, and I felt so shocked- It was so selfish of me to act like I had right over her, but I thought Chan would be more understanding of my feelings too..."
"Felix..."
Minho-hyung, you don't understand, I love her so much. I would do anything for her. I liked her almost the moment she came here to Seoul, she was so kind to me, and I wanted to spend all my time around her. But I can't do anything about it now, and it's all exploding out of me, and I want Chan to be happy so badly, but I just- I want her all to myself. I can't keep living like this, pretending to just be her friend, pretending that I don't love her the way I do. I can't."
Something clicks from behind them.
Felix and Minho turn to look at you, standing in shock in the doorway.
Your keys clatter to the floor.
βΉ Λ α²πΌ fic note - dividers by @ferretmilkshakezzz
stupidly perfect β§ masterlist (bsf!bang chan x reader)
summary: having just moved to Seoul to start work at JYPE, you find yourself tangled in the company of Stray Kids. Feelings collide one after the other, leaving you wondering... can you really decide between them? Can you put aside your own feelings? Or is it too late to try and fix things?
warnings: physical fighting, arguing, high levels of angst, mentions of injuries, descriptions of injuries, mentions of eating + drinking, idol!au, mentions of mental illness, medical emergencies, traumatic events, mentions of hospitals + clinical settings, all characters are of age !!
part one
part two
part three
part four
part five
part six
βΉ Λ α²πΌ masterlist note - divider by @pixopix
pairing: ot8!skz, bf!skz x reader
tags: arguments, vv angsty, mentions of shouting + fighting (non-physical)
skz masterlist
βΉ Λ α²πΌ author's note - missed my headcanon fics . . . hopefully this one does a little better . please remember your authors love comments and interactions, it makes our whole day <3
chan.
he goes completely, utterly silent the second he throws up his hands, exasperated as he tries to explain himself
his whole face just drops.
he was just trying to reason with you, and suddenly he can't even remember what stupid thing you were both arguing about
doesn't go after you immediately, painfully knowing that you need space from him right now
replays the moment in his head all night, chewing his lip, wondering if he seriously scared you
minho.
he's the type to get colder rather than louder during arguments
so when he steps forward and sees you flinch, his whole body softens, and so does his tone
'hey, hey, no.' he takes a step back almost instantly, expression changing from frustration to immediate regret
he seems a little confused and hurt about it, because the possibility of him hurting you had never even occurred to him
ends up sitting on the opposite side of the room so he doesn't overwhelm you.
changbin.
he argues with his hands a lot, pointing and gesturing in order to try and get his point across
he notices and halts suddenly as he realises you're recoiling from seeing his arm move too fast
stands in pure shock for a moment and then takes a massive, deliberate step backwards to give you some room
after that, if you haven't walked away from him, he lowers himself down onto the floor so he looks less intimidating
promises himself fiercely he'll never do it again while shoving his hands deep down inside his hoodie pockets
hyunjin.
he's rather dramatic when he argues, and he already feels guilty the moment voices start getting raised
so seeing you flinch when he steps closer genuinely shatters something to pieces inside of him
doesn't know what to do, so he just stands there, and watches you walk away in silence
he keeps wondering why you try to play it off, because you said you didn't do anything, but why did your body brace for the hit?
follows you around sadly like a soaked ferret after that
jisung.
he often gets overwhelmed when he argues with you, talking too loud and too fast and too emotional
stutters to a sharp stop when he sees you jolt from the hasty raised tone of his voice
immediately starts stuttering even more about that, feeling incredibly ashamed
'shit- no, i'm sorry, baby, i- i didn't mean to-'
drops his face into his hands and wants to explain why he did that, but just accepts he scared you and quietly asks if you're okay (you don't respond and his heart breaks).
felix.
doesn't often raise his voice, not the type to prefer getting loud during arguments
but he is very active, so when he accidentally slams the cupboard door shut and sees you flinch, he feels awful.
like really awful, because you were already stressed and he just added onto that
lets you walk away without pleading or explaining, but later comes up to you very cautiously, sitting a respectable distance away
asks if he can touch you in the softest, saddest, quietest voice ever.
seungmin.
he's the type to get sarcastic and dry when he's upset, and his tone often has a bit of a bite to it
cuts himself off mid-sentence when he notices you physically shrinking into yourself
goes rather quiet for several minutes, then becomes ridiculously mindful after that
he makes sure that there's less arguing, less sarcasm, less tension in quiet, confined spaces
beats himself up for it for a long time even after you forgive him
jeongin.
he usually gets angry in that quiet, stubborn way, but his frustration is very evident
freezes when he sees you jump slightly, then panics
his hand is halfway up to try and comfort you but he forces himself to bring it back down, not wanting to scare you further
it genuinely never crossed his mind that you would think he has the capability to hurt you
probably sits outside your door after, wondering if he deserves to comfort you at all.
βΉ Λ α²πΌ fic note - dividers by @cursed-carmine
hi! youβre honestly one of the best writers who write for skz, so continue on with your good work!!
can i request a really really HEAVYYYYY angst, 9th member fic? soft ending tho.
maybe one where they find her like, vaping or doing something like that? and it just builds up to something bigger?
i just need a heavy angst fic to have a good cry, thank you! π
depletion (bang chan x 9th member!reader)
pairing: mainly chan x 9th member!reader all skz members included
tags: mentions of vaping, add*ctions, medical situations, blood, injuries, graphic depictions of fighting (rip), mentions of eating + drinking, mentions of therapy + rehab, if i missed anything let me know !!
skz masterlist
βΉ Λ α²πΌ author's note - hihi you're so sweet <33 i know this request came out last year, so i made it longer for compensation . . . here you gooooo
The first time you got caught, it felt stupid.
Not dramatic. Not explosive.
Minho had padded into the dorm kitchen at two am, thirsty, and heard the balcony door slide open.
He'd expected Jisung, coming back from a late night working at the studio, or Changbin maybe, standing by the railing and silently eating his leftover chicken breast like a psycho.
He didn't expect you.
Opening the door, he winced at the sweetly chemical smell wafting into his face. You're sitting on the cold floor, draped in one of Chan's hoodies, vape hastily hidden in your sleeved hand like a teenager caught sneaking out.
"Seriously?" His voice comes out sharper than expected. "What is that?"
The small silver vape glows in reflection between your fingers. "Nothing, Minho."
"You vape?"
"Sometimes." You turn the device over in your hands.
Minho leans on the threshold of the balcony door and flinches at the cold metal of it. "That's bad for you-"
You glare at him. "Why are you even up?"
"Could ask you the same thing," he lowers his voice so as not to wake anyone else. "How long have you had that?"
You smile, detached. "Dunno."
"Y/n." His brow is creased darkly. "This isn't funny. Give it to me."
There's a brief pause, hanging in the air, and then you reluctantly hand it over. His fingers close around it immediately, like he's scared you'll snatch it back.
He exhales deeply. "You know better than this."
You don't get two words in before he slams the door.
That stupid sentence. You know better. And it's true. You know it's bad to vape. To destroy yourself like that.
The phrase lodges itself in an ugly manner inside your chest.
β§
Chan finds out the next day.
"What?"
Minho doesn't jump as Chan drops his mug on the table. Some of his coffee splashes over the side, and Seungmin, who is nearby, jolts and spreads butter on his hand instead of on his toast.
You're leaning against the table, watching Jeongin make rude pictures out of his egg strips. Chan's face has dropped immediately from its usual tired smile and you shrink slightly under the heat of his gaze.
"Don't make it a thing," you say quietly, glaring at Minho. "You didn't have to tell."
Minho glares back protectively, though it's hidden under his anger.
Felix looks confused. "You vape?"
You shrug. "Sometimes."
"Why?" Jisung asks bluntly. Seungmin elbows him in the ribs and he yelps.
You shrug again.
No one understood why your shoulders were so tense. Why you were quiet, like you were already bracing for impact. Waiting to be criticised.
Chan sits down slowly at the table and Jeongin hastily messes up his mature egg picture.
"How long has this been going on for?" he says. His face is unreadable.
Changbin, who has just entered the kitchen with a towel around his neck, adds into the conversation. "Months?"
You sigh. "Maybe. I don't know."
Felix traces the rim of his glass, looking genuinely hurt. "Why didn't you tell us?"
You stare at him, feeling the silent shift in the air. From anger to betrayal. Like you'd concealed something terrible from them. Like it was all your fault. It was always your fault.
"Because," you say defensively. "It's not a huge deal?"
"It is!" Chan snaps irritably from the table.
Everyone goes silent.
You blink at him. Even he looks surprised at his own tone of voice. He pinches the bridge of his nose.
"Y/n," he says, taking a deep breath. "You can't do things like this, okay? It isn't good for you."
You stay quiet. You know that already.
Then why do I keep doing it?
Changbin adds gently from the side. "Y/n, it'll start affecting your health if you keep doing it. It'll be harder to sing too."
You sigh and turn, walking out of the kitchen.
The members stare after you.
β§
"One, two, swap from the back, Jisung, arms up a bit more-"
You pant as the choreographer directs instructions loudly from the front of the dance studio. You're keeping up, barely.
But it's hard.
Maybe Changbin was right. You feel a bit out of breath, even during the parts of the dance where it slows down, and your limbs ache. You haven't been sleeping well at all lately either, and it definitely isn't helping with your coordination.
The staff dismiss you all for a break before filming some content and you flop down against the cabinet, chugging half your waterbottle in ten seconds flat.
Nearby, Felix watches in amazement as you pull two more bottles out of your bag and drain those too.
"You'll get a stitch," he says quietly. "Are you that thirsty?"
You nod. "My mouth is just dry from exertion. It's fine."
The water isn't helping, you think. Maybe I need to try something else.
You rummage in your bag, watching Felix wander off. Now's your chance. They won't notice if you just take one puff-
Just as you pull your vape out, a different one this time, you feel a shadow fall over you. Looking up, you can see an upside-down version of Minho.
"Again?" He says, glaring. "How many do you have?"
You yelp as he snatches it off you and you stand frustratedly, reaching for it. But he holds it out of reach, stepping back.
"Give it back," you snap.
"No."
You shove him in the chest, hard.
He loses his footing slightly and you try to snatch the device off him, grip loosened in his stumbling. Both of you end up on the floor, scuffling as you try to grab the vape and push Minho off. He's far more sturdily built than you, and he shoves you off from where you're straddling his middle.
Your lack of sleep does nothing to help, strength weakened as he simply pushes you off onto the floor. Your elbow hits the cupboard awkwardly, banging loudly.
"I hate you!" You shout at him, violently swiping at his face. "Just give it back!"
You clip him in the jaw and his head snaps sideways. You hear a horrified yelp somewhere behind him.
Minho looks genuinely taken aback at your outburst, still holding the vape pen in one hand. Chan appears behind him and someone takes a firm hold of both of your arms, restricting your flailing.
Hyunjin.
Your shouting dissolves off into frustrated swearing and you shove Hyunjin back behind you with a rather violent nudge, tears pricking at your eyes. He clutches his arm, backing away.
You take a deep breath, preparing to scream or swear or throw up from exhaustion, or all three, but it's halted by Chan.
"Y/n, stop!"
He doesn't even have to raise his voice.
"What is your problem?" Minho steps forward this time, bewildered. The side of his face is red, heat spreading across his cheek. He tosses the vape on the floor, the tip of it cracking off. The sound of it splitting is jarringly loud in the now-silent practice room. "What the fuck is wrong with you-"
"Enough!" Chan shouts, strained. "Just- stop! All of you."
You're heaving, chest rising and falling, shoulders so tense you think they might snap in their solidity.
Chan rubs both hands across his face and steps forward, but you rear back like a cornered animal, hackles up. Then you see it.
The hurt in his eyes.
In all of their eyes.
Seungmin, ever stoic, has stepped in front of Jeongin in the corner of the practice studio, shielding the younger. Jisung is covering his mouth, shocked, and Felix's sweet face is crinkled deeply in worry. Changbin has his hand on the door, clearly preparing to fetch someone, and you turn slowly, watching as a thick streak of red drips from Hyunjin's forearm. You shoved him hard enough that a pin from his sleeve came loose, ripping the skin.
His face is white with pain.
The horrific realisation dawns on you slowly. Like a sinking stone, your heart drops all the way down to your toes. The blood now dripping steadily onto the floor from his arm is your doing.
You did that.
Panting, you step back, away from all of them. Minho presses a hand to his cheek and you're too ashamed to meet Chan's eyes. Turning, you run out of the room.
No voices trail out after you.
β§
You pick up your phone.
There's nothing there. No texts, no calls, no messages.
You hadn't gone back to the dorm after your little outburst.
At first it was out of shame. Then pride. Then fear.
You wander the streets of Seoul until night falls, haunting the pavements like a deranged phantom, shivering in a hoodie that isn't warm enough, and a body that's falling apart.
You replay the moment with Hyunjin over and over, seeing the look on his face, the blood, all of it, until the memory makes you feel physically sick.
Head spinning, you sit down on the curb of a nearby convenience store, not really looking at anything, just tucking your knees to your chest and mourning. Your legs ache and your chest feels tight and wrong.
You reach into your pocket for the vape, but it isn't there, and your throat throbs faintly from the nicotine coating its sides.
Fuck.
It's risky, you know, to be so famous and yet still be out this late, alone at night, on the roadside curb, but you couldn't really care less right now. Even if you're cold and tired and upset. You check your phone again, and there's nothing.
Until a message pops up. Not from Chan.
From Hyunjin.
You don't want to open it, but you do anyways.
hyune: are you okay?
That's it. No anger, no accusation, no bitter insult. Just that.
Your eyes well up, and you sniffle slightly and then scrub a hand across your face before typing back.
y/n: i'm sorry.
His reply comes back in an instant.
hyune: i know.
hyune: chan's worried about you.
You sigh softly, trying not to breathe too deeply, lest you just burst out into tears in the middle of the street, and send a reply.
y/n: he should hate me.
hyune: he doesn't.
hyune: he's just hurt.
That stings more, somehow. The fact he isn't outright angry. Just hurt. Just-
You look up as a black van pulls up across the street. You tense, wary at the dark hide of it, before the door opens, and Chan steps out.
You stand immediately. The tears come without warning, and in this type of situation, you'd normally have run to him, throwing your arms around his neck, clinging on as he promised to make the world right, but you can't do that now.
Not this time.
You cross the road, not bothering to look either way. He looks mildly alarmed, but it's so thickly concealed behind his mask of hurt that you don't register it.
You exhale on a sudden sob. "Chan, I'm sorry, I-"
"Just get inside the car."
You gaze at him, heartbroken. He looks exhausted. Not angry, not furious, not irritated.
Shutting the door quietly, you sniff a tiny bit and click your seatbelt into place. Looking across, you realise he's thrown on a hoodie on top of his practice clothes from earlier, and his feet are in their sneakers without socks. His hair is ruffled, eyes glazed over. There's no staff member driving the van. He must have run out after a while, thrown on whatever he had, and left the JYPE building with the van unassisted.
He must have been searching all night.
You notice his hands are clenched around the wheel, finger tapping on top of it in what you know is his nervous habit, his jittery movements when he's overwhelmed. Wanting to reach out and take his hand, but knowing you can't, you turn back to the window and try not to make noise as you cry.
β§
The walk back up to the dorm is silent. Chan takes out his keys, misses the lock the first time, then shoves it in and opens the door tiredly. He goes in first and you follow, head down, feeling like a pathetic dog. You crawled home with your tail in between your legs, and now your members are going to humiliate you.
They should. Just like everyone else does.
Not wanting to turn and face whoever is nearest to you in the room, you turn and look desperately at Chan, voice cracking in the silence of the dim room.
"I'm sorry, I- I wasn't thinking, I didn't mean to hurt him-"
"I know." He runs a hand through his hair, quiet. His voice cracks. "You scared us."
It isn't an accusation, or a guilt trip. A fact, quietly stated with an air of finality sunk deep in exhaustion.
You scared us.
You sniff, eyes welling up again. Tears streak messily down your cheeks, each as hot and wet as the last. Your voice cracks, but it's louder, and messier, and the weight of everything you've been carrying comes crashing down like echoes of the shattered sky. "I don't know why I'm like this."
Chan looks down and bites his lip so hard you swear you see blood, and he takes in a sharp exhale, features crumpling.
Unable to bear it anymore, you take a step forward, hand outstretched, but a weight on your shoulder stops you. Turning around, you're met with Hyunjin, his features seeming pale and sallow in the low light of the kitchen.
Noticing the bandage now around his arm, a tiny faint patch of red blossoming through it, you cry harder, burying your face in your hands. He sighs softly and brings you to his chest, letting you make a mess of his shirt.
"Why aren't you pushing me away?" You sob. "You- All of you, should just leave me behind, I let everyone down, just leave me to die-"
"Y/n," Hyunjin says, bewildered. His eyes are wet, mouth pressed into a line. "Don't say that."
"Why didn't you tell us?" Chan says quietly from behind you. He's leaning against the door now, as if the solid frame of it might keep him and all his despair upright. "It isn't about the vape at all, is it?"
You shake your head, body shuddering from the force of your crying, face heated and sticky and wet.
"I'm sorry we didn't notice things were getting this bad," he says quietly, wiping his nose. His hair falls mussed in his face.
You can tell it's sincere. You knew he noticed.
All of them noticed.
The way you'd disappear after practices. The way you'd oversleep and undersleep and overeat and not eat enough. The way you'd go missing for hours, claiming meetings or lessons. The way your smile faded, your skin dulled, and your eyes that always looked up suddenly never met anything but the ground.
Chan steps forward and you almost rear back out of instinct, but he wraps you close, sinking you into his warmth, and you relish that feeling you've missed so much that it immediately pours something comforting and alive and molten into the hard, carved-out void in your heart.
"I should've helped," he whispers, so quietly only you can hear it. You feel the eyes of the rest of the members, standing in the room, scattered over the couches, emotions scattered across the floor. "I should've noticed. I thought you could handle it all, I got so busy that I thought you'd be fine, but I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have just let you suffer..."
You shake your head, disbelieving of how any of this could be anyone's fault but yours, and you're making so much of a mess into his hoodie that you can feel the sticky wetness of it on the fabric rubbing back onto the hot puffiness that is your face.
Chan holds you anyways.
β§
For a while after that, things are awkward.
The sun still rises in the mornings, the table still bears its usual coffee spills and bread crumbs, the birds still sing, schedules and shoots and practices still run.
But for you, everything is different.
Minho is currently avoiding you, partly out of guilt for how he reacted and partly because he's still angry that you punched him.
Felix sits a little closer during practice for no particular reason, fidgeting with his rings, before offering you one to fidget with yourself.
You break down crying in the studio during recording and Hyunjin lets you, before wrapping you in his hoodie and letting you take a break.
Jeongin squeezes your shoulder softly when he notices it searching in your pockets for what you know won't be there anymore.
Seungmin takes great pleasure in confiscating the rest of your vapes and destroying them outside the JYPE building (he swears he'll start hiding pieces in JYP's shoes, and also in the pockets of the backup dancer who gave him nasty glares, but decides not to for your sake).
Changbin buys little packs of lollipops and chewing gum and sour candies to help you keep your mouth busy, then leaves them in your bag and on your bedside table.
Han tries his best not to cry as he sits next to you, quietly showing you the new character in his game, or the plot of his latest anime episode, trying to stay enthusiastic even when he knows you aren't really listening, dissociated.
Chan comes up to you one day and hands you a piece of official-looking paper and an appointment time for your very first session of rehab, then kisses your forehead and asks if you want something to eat.
You say yes.
β§
A week later, unable to sleep, you wander into the kitchen. The clock reads 3:45 AM, red LEDs faintly glowing in the dark. You pull up the sleeve of Chan's hoodie, having snuck out of his arms and then snuck into his usual attire hanging on the back of his chair.
Switching the dimmer light in the kitchen on, you jolt as you realise Minho is sitting at the counter, arms folded loosely across the table, staring into space. As the light turns on, he looks at you slowly, hair unstyled, sleepiness hanging heavy in his limbs.
For a moment, you both stare.
Approaching the kitchen quietly, you take a glass from the cupboard and fill it with water, the gentle sloshing sound filling the space between you. You take a sip and then push the glass towards him across the counter, hesitant.
A peace offering. He tenses, pauses for a long time, then accepts.
The rim of the glass just barely touches the faint mark you'd left across his cheek, purplish red and darkly scarred in a thin slash across the smile line of his cheek. It's healing.
You watch as he gently pushes the glass back, not making eye contact. Matter-of-factly. Not avoidant. Not hesitant or afraid. Just... there. That's Minho. Always has been.
You're debating on how to approach your apology when he speaks up himself.
"Sorry for shouting."
He raises his eyes, and you fight to stay looking at him. Because he looks tired. And upset. And he may not admit it now, or later, or any time in the distant future, but there's longing.
You trace the rim of the glass, swallowing thickly. "Sorry for hitting you."
He nods.
Then-
"I'm glad you got help."
Surprised, you look up. It sounds rather clinical coming from his mouth, more polite than anything, and you can see him mentally backtrack his blunt statement.
"Me too," you say quietly.
Minho bites his lip, chewing on the side of it. "I was just- I got scared."
Your chest feels tight with emotion.
He won't look at you, the longer strands of his hair concealing the intelligent almonds of his eyes, but with a start, you realise he's crying.
Crying. Minho.
"I didn't wanna see you fade," he says quietly, voice steady despite his tears, slowly sliding down the soft skin of his scarred cheek. A soft, watery caress to the purple flowers planted across his face. Courtesy of your rage.
He continues. "I noticed, just like everyone else did, and I let it happen anyways. I just didn't wanna be the one sending you over, you know?"
He sounds unsure, trailing off, hands in his lap like he's a child being told to explain himself to the teacher. This vulnerable display of emotion is so uncharacteristically uncanny that you almost wonder if you're still asleep in Chan's arms, dreaming.
But you aren't.
Slowly, you reach out a hand. It looks shaky and dim and weak in the light of the kitchen, a fever dream perpetuated by too-big knuckles and dehydrated skin. A newborn tendril, curling up to stroke gently across a raw, open wound, never quite healing, never quite bleeding, but caressing that tender somewhere-in-between.
Sniffling, he takes it.
βΉ Λ α²πΌ fic note - dividers by @uzmacchiato
