Life of a Peeb

aka Belinda's exciting adventures in blog form.

[what-grace-has-forgiveness]

God bless the Rush Hour movies

[ironychan]

Thousands of years ago, somebody looked at a flock of sheep and went, “well, they aren’t cold.”

[thenearsightedmonkey]

By Lynda Barry  May 2016

[kateordie]

Every time I see this I love it more

[joshpeck]

this video changed my life

[cryhaver-deactivated20160707]

remember when u used to go over to ur friends house and youd go down to the ‘computer room’ to the dads old shitty desktop computer and sit on the giant black leather computer chair and ur friend would show u charlie the unicorn and epic rap battles of history type stuff on youtube while thier younger siblings bugged you for a turn to use the computer

[pocula-blog]

[highlandvalley]

[moonbeamrainbows]

unpacking drum major elections because i’m sure if i don’t then one day i’ll be getting a massage and they’ll hit a deep spot and suddenly i will be crying

i had a pretty solid grasp on the situation and moving forward and managed to talk to quite a few people who were like “how are you doing?” after the election and i pretty confidently replied “you know i’m kinda bummed but it is what it is and i’m excited for daniel” and like i knew i wasn’t completely over it but i was pretty sure that i was handling it well.

but then, against a lot of advice not to do so, i asked kat what the vote count distribution was tonight and that has me feeling all sorts of ways now and i think i just need to write it all out and then i can move on with dead week.

so to start, basically me and josh were pretty close, but then he beat me out by about <10 votes in the second round, and then daniel beat him by an even smaller margin in the last round. kat keeps telling me that it was really close race and i know that’s supposed to make me feel better but it also just kinda feels like from the three out of four qualified candidates (because i’m sorry but i don’t think isaiah was on the same footing as the rest of us) i was the last choice and that kinda stings a little.

i think it’s partially due to the fact that i really tried to be as authentic and true to form as possible during the entire process. like trying to put my best foot forward, but also not going out of my way to present myself in a certain way – that stuff always feels uncomfortable to me (and why applying for jobs and resume shit stresses me out to no end), and also because i felt like if the band was truly picking someone who they would depend on every single day, then i wanted to be as real as i could. no point in presenting myself differently than how i would be every day of the season. and maybe that’s my first mistake? like maybe i needed to play the game a little – but i think i also wanted to believe that i wouldn’t need to, and that the rest of them wouldn’t either.

but yeah, it kinda stings when you feel like you’ve presented yourself as sincerely as possible and people just don’t want you.

the other thing (or at least one of the other things) that is really bothering me is that as much as i’d like to believe we are all above sexism and misogyny, i can’t help but wonder if i lost because people implicitly judged me differently. it’s times like these that i wonder if people call me a bitch behind my back and mean it, or if they think that i yell too much on the field or act too mean or something. and i know it’s not all in my head because multiple people have mentioned this following banquet and months ago, before i ran my own rehearsal, alexander told me that people had certain perceptions of me that i couldn’t reinforce when i went on the tower: that i yelled at people all the time and that i’m a hardass. and i’m not denying that i yell or that i’m (kinda) tough during rehearsal, but i’m not any more loud or harsh than anyone else on stunt – they're just all guys. and it’s even more frustrating because i make a point to be patient and really level with people on an individual level. and for someone who went through the election process committed to being as genuine as possible, it’s hard to accept the idea that people only saw me a certain way. 

i’m not trying to say that i lost the election because cal band is misogynistic. i honestly really want to believe that every candidate was compared equally and fairly, but i can’t help but feel like people looked at me and my behavior differently because i was female, and whether or not that changed election results doesn’t matter because it simply should not have been a factor in the first place. and that’s really uncomfortable for me, and i’m not really sure how to deal with it.

also i was not alexander’s top choice and that kinda hurts a little too. i really want to sit and talk through this stuff with him but if i wasn’t his top choice then i don’t know what he could tell me to make me feel better. i think this is also an extension of the discomfort that comes with running against your friends and having your other friends pass judgement on you.

i don’t know man. josh and daniel are both very qualified and great candidates and i don’t want to diminish either of their work and especially daniel winning the election but the situation makes me feel really crummy. i feel like daniel came out with this weird politician-like demeanor that i didn’t recognize and talked really loudly and that was more convincing than it should have been. i’m probably being melodramatic but it kinda feels i didn’t do well because i was trying to be genuine, and i don’t know if i should feel bad because it was a stupid course of action and i shot myself in the foot or if people just didn’t like me. 

i think i got it all out. moving forward.

a lot of people came up to me after banquet and said some really nice stuff. a lot of girls, too. it was a good amount of “i just wanted to let you know that i thought you did a really good job and i really respect you and i just think you’re cool and i was rooting for you” which was really touching. especially for all the ladies who came up to me and were TA’s and are going to write for stunt, i’m hoping this means that it’ll be easier in the future for a candidate who is like me.

i’m relieved of a lot of responsibility. drum major is a hefty job -- one i was ready to take on -- but it’s also kinda nice knowing that i won’t have to do it. aditya and i were talking about writing for PR comm next year, but we also agreed that we’ve pretty much put in our time on structure. i think it’ll be nice senior year to be joe bandsman and do well in school and have no obligations outside of learning my show every week. maybe i’ll even be caboose.

it was a close race. and we all knew we were equally qualified when we started and we all knew that only one person would get it. and even in a perfect world where everything went right, there was still a 75% chance that i would be in the same position that i am now.

outside of the weird, tiny bubble that is cal band, none of this really matters. cal band politics is a weird phenomenon that i’ve gotten my head stuck inside of these last few weeks and i gotta get it out of there. life exists outside of cal band, and aside from finals, i think i’m doing okay in those parts. 

things to feel good about: mango and cream bars, underwear that makes you look bomb and feel even better, internships that pay 35/hour, dark lipstick, friends who will swipe you into crossroads, and brand new rainboots. 

[loveforallbears]

Photo by Jonathan Huyer

[mothurs]

friend: you look stressed me: haha yeah it’s the stress

[thefunkyweapon]

[onemoresongtosingalong]

Visit Original Link

And it’s worth it, it’s divine

[accidentalfisting]

[wattpadfic-deactivated20170213]

when yr so tired ur eyelids are like SHUT IT DOWN BOYS but ur brian is like OPEN THOSE GATES LADS n ur closing ur eyes then opening then closing then opening then closing then opening then closing

[thenosleepsquad-blog]

“ur brian”

[wattpadfic-deactivated20170213]

listen here mate i know what i said and i stick by it i cling to my mistakes like a real man

[hamotzi]

old friends senior dog sanctuary dogs PART 2 (part 1 here)

[moonbeamrainbows]

marathon running, my ankles are sprained -- 9/16

i think this has been the longest i’ve gone without writing on my blog. i think the last time was some time during the semester, aside from that one really mopey post that i wrote at 2am during the summer and then promptly deleted the next morning. i don’t know if i have a really good reason for not writing -- after all, i still scroll through this damn site everyday. now that i think about it though, scrolling through my feed is just a chance for me to turn off my brain for a small part of the day and read some dumb jokes. it takes a lot more energy and drive to write a post. 

that doesn’t mean i haven’t had the itch to write at all these past few months; i certainly have wanted to and many times came very close to writing. but i always end up too tired or lazy to actually formulate my thoughts and choose my words and type it all out. honestly, writing takes a lot for me -- i always end up editing and deleting and rephrasing, and the whole process actually takes a good chunk of time. half the time i’ll stop halfway through because i’ll realize the subject wasn’t even that good to begin with.

BUT i think that i am going to try to start writing more and being less critical about what i write and spending so much time going back and editing and trying to figure out if my words are correct. i guess this is part of my attempt to take care of myself and be more forgiving towards myself, but also because i miss writing out silly posts and arbitrary daily updates and the occasional “who am i” reflection. and i think this will be a good outlet for my thoughts and stress and humor that’s too embarrassing to tell to other people. 

so what’s new? assuming that i last posted during spring semester (i’m too lazy to go back and look), i did finish spring semester. landed an internship at OSIsoft and worked there over the summer and actually had a very nice time. i also traveled with band -- i know for sure i posted photos of those on my blog so we don’t have to talk about that too much. alice came back from her europe trip and we got to hang out for a month before she left for med school! we had a garage sale to get rid of a lot of the old stuff in the house. after alice left, i finished up my internship, visited her in LA, and then from that point on it was a series of dominoes: TAOP -> moving in -> FTP -> school starting. 

to be honest, summer (mostly july/august) was pretty rough for me. asia trip was fun but it was a lot of stress and exhaustion -- to have the first show you chart be performed in another country with minimal rehearsal time is not relaxing. there was a foreign amount of friction between me and eric during the trip too, and i think it took us a long time to get back to where we used to be after that. coming home and spending every night by myself was lonely, since alice wasn’t home yet. and then alice came home and it was beans day everyday! but it was also bittersweet because those days were running out too fast because alice was moving and we’re selling the house and we only had a month before everything changed. 

to be clear, alice going to med school is a joyous thing! i am so proud of her and it’s wonderful to see her hard work pay off and for her to embark on this new adventure that she deserves so much. but of course it’s sad to have someone who has been with you your whole life move away. i think for a long time it’s been me and alice against the world, and while it’s still that, it feels a little different now.

the house still fucks me up. selling the house is logical and reasonable and financially responsible, because i spend all my time in berkeley and alice is in LA and dad is in China. if no one is living there, then we are literally just paying mortgage every month for nothing. renting it out is difficult and troublesome, especially since no one is in the area to play landlord.

but at the same time the house carries so much with it that i’m scared to let go of it. in many ways, it feels like the piece de resistance of my parents’ american dream. it’s a symbol of how high they climbed up the social ladder and how hard they worked to get there. it’s a place that they owned, where they could do whatever they want and raise me and alice and make it their own, complete with a white picket fence. and a lot of that was my mom: everything from the remodel design to the homemade curtains to the granite tables outside to the (at least) five “welcome to my garden” signs. thinking about the number of times me and alice would come home and my mom would have us guess what was different reminds me of how much love my mom poured into that house for me and alice. there’s a lot of my mom embedded in the house, and selling it feels like i’m going to lose her again. 

damn i’m crying like a little bitch right now. can’t breathe through my nose anymore.

aside from that though, it feels like selling the house is closing the book on a lot of other things. it’s saying bye to fun-day sundays with dad and the idea that he’ll be able to move back from china and go running at lake chabot again. it’s ending the chapter of center for the dance and piano lessons with david ross and cutting through redwood chapel to get to school on time and overhearing football games at cvhs stadium. there’s no more lazy summer afternoons on the trampoline or practicing piano downstairs and getting called for dinner or pooping in the upstairs bathroom because it has a fan. concisely, selling the house is basically ending the life we had there. granted, that life -- the one with dinner on the stove and watering the plants at sunset -- was kind of over a while ago, but it’s not something i think i’m ready to let go of yet, or at least that i want to let go of yet. 

anyway, that’s pretty much the big thing that’s been fucking me up these past few months. after alice left for med school i had a really rough two weeks at home -- one night i realized that it was probably the last time i got to sleep in my house, except it was me on a mattress on floor in an empty house. i had a really hard time getting things done, and then getting trapped in the cycle of feeling awful and overwhelmed that things weren’t getting done but then not being able to do anything because of that feeling. 

i visited alice in LA and we had a good talk where i bawled my eyes out in the streets of LA and unloaded everything i was feeling, and since then nothing has been as bad as those first two weeks of august but i’m also taking more care with my mental health to make sure that it doesn’t happen again. which is part of the reason why i’m writing. like i said, the house still fucks me up and it’s becoming more and more real everyday -- dad is coming back next week to clean up the house for showing. but i’ve gotten better at being okay with it which i think is good.

man, this post got real long. i’ll write about other shit some other time i guess; school, band, recruiting, and everything in between all deserve an honorable mention at some point. but before i stop, the title of this post is from “sprained ankle” by julien baker because i cannot stop listening to this album and that song is probably my favorite. but i guess it also works out for how i’ve been feeling lately (as in the past few months) -- a long distance to go but with a little more trouble than usual. but i think i’ve gotten better. 

[goodenoughforjazz]

how am i supposed to be a stone cold bitch if i still believe that my stuffed animals have feelings