A Coming Out Letter
This is so difficult to say but I feel like the time is right to say this. There is something I have been struggling with, repressing inside myself for about 4 years now.
I don't know why I am saying this or why I struggle with this but please bear with me. It is scary what I am. It scares me, it scares me on how people will react. Worrying if they view me differently for something I cannot control.
I feel really dirty, or just wrong for feeling the way I do but I can't help it. It sometimes sickens me to my stomach even to think about it, but I can't do without it.
I cannot control it, nor did I wish to be like this. I simply am, thats is all. Please understand this.
The problem which has been causing havok for me is to do with relationships. I feel like this is a huge secret which I have to hide away from the world out of fear. The thing is, it is about the type of people I am attracted to. Their gender specifically.
Please do not judge or view me in any way different that you have already viewed me, let me explain please. Try and see things from my point of view.
I find that I am attracted somewhat to men, which I should be considering I am a female of course. The thing is, I don't feel much of a emotional attraction to them, it is nothing but physical. I feel like there is something missing almost. I see guys as friends, like the way I grew up with them. Nothing else.
I always found that I could always be more friendly with guys than girls growing up. They suited me better.
However, as I grew older I realised that my closest relationships and connections grew with being with females.
I enjoyed their company, as all girls do. However, something started to change inside of me. I began to develop stronger connections with my girly friends and I couldn't explain why. I just did.
It was something new, I was scared but excited at the same time. I didn't know the way I felt.
When I was in my 5th year of high school. I began to get close to one of my female friends. I began to develop attraction towards them. It was a weird feeling, I hadn't felt it before for a girl. For a boy yes, but for a girl...no.
It frightened me. Was I gay? was I? I didn't want to be like this.
However, I began to accept this part of myself and embraced it inwarly a bit. Over that summer, I researched gay media to see if this part of myself was real, that is was ok to feel like this.
I felt very weird, like there was something really wrong with me.
I concluded that I might be gay.
For the next 2 years I have been walking around with this possibility inside of me. I found myself being more attracted to women in general as time went on. I now prefer their company over men despite my tomboyish past.
It is difficult, because I don't want to accept myself. I don't want people to know. But at the same time I just want to hug and kiss another girl. Is that so wrong? I just want to love and be loved. Just like ever other person on this planet.
Do you think that I made a choice to feel the way I do? To be attracted to the gender I choose? To fall for people out the blue?
I am writing this because I am sick of living like this, in this shell. I want to love, just like everyone else. Does it matter who it is? What gender it is?
Everyone is flesh and bones, blood and hearts. Feelings, desires, hopes and ambitions.
So does it really matter that I like a person who is similar to myself? Similar in terms of genitalia? Is that it?
Plenty of people love each other and are similar in areas. What difference does it make if I am slightly more like a person in terms of gender?
I am ready to say this, to be liberated from this place. Essentially, I am coming out, out of this place.
I am gay.
There I said it. For the first time it feels like I am speaking a bit of truth. Please understand that this is a piece of me. If it becomes a larger or smaller part will depend on time. However, it should not change anything. The only thing it will change is the truth about my sexuality. That is all. No stereotypes, no stigmas, nothing. Nothing but love.
All I want is to not be afraid of the way I feel, and not to be ashamed or feel the need to hide it. All I want to do is love. Nothing but love.
I hope you understand x
* I wrote this letter 3 years ago when I was planning on emailing my mom about my sexuality. 3 years later and I am still in the closet. Soon enough when I get my own place and when I am a little more financially stable, maybe then I will finally know what love feels like without fear...
