Expectations. My life was filled with expectations. Expectations of me becoming a singer like dad, lead a life like my dad. Full with success and fame. And that while I was only 15 years old. A 15 year old girl with a father that got diagnosed with cancer a few months prior. And that while I was sick myself.
I got born with EDS, Ehlers Danlos syndrome, which infected my organs causing me to also have gastroparesis.
EDS are a group of rare inherited conditions that affect connective tissue. Connective tissues provide support in skin, tendons, ligaments, blood vessels, internal organs and bones. Which is how I also got gastroparesis. Which made it impossible for me to eat, well I can eat but I have to drain it out about 15 minutes after a meal. I get fed through a tube in my stomach and I get medicine through a tube in my chest.
To me it was the most normal thing as I got born with it and it’s all I’m used to. Endless hospital visits, either planned or emergency visits, constantly being sick,… the list goes on.
But of course there are also people who think I’m a weirdo because all of this. And at times it made me feel like one. The more people say something, the more you believe it.
I was never going to be able to dance or perform my doctor said more than once during my 15 years of living but I proved him wrong, I proved everyone wrong.
I’ve been acting since about 2 months old and started singing and dancing since I was 8. It’s what I loved doing and sure, I often had to carry the consequences of it all after but to me it was worth it. My dad was proud of me but I knew he was worried. Because it was always possible for me to dislocate a part of my body, get super sick or just need to go to a doctor because something happened.
My life was filled with needing to be careful and paying close attention to whatever I do. Let me tell you, it is the most annoying thing, but it had to be done.
A deep sigh escaped my lips as I stood in my small improvised dressing room next to the stage. It was hidden from the public eye with black curtains. I could easily be in the dressing room where the others were but this is the closest to the exit AND a bathroom in case I had to throw up.
Despite my ‘disability’ the entire Glee cast never treated me differently. We were a close nit group and it felt amazing. This was the first time I was included in such a big production and it was scary at first but now a year after filming and our first private premiere, mainly for TV bosses, celebrities, family and friends- I felt more than in the right place with this group of people.
Sure I was the baby of the group but that didn’t make any difference for them, or me. I was equal to all of them. We all are. No one is above or below anyone and everyone gets treated the same. And I loved it so much!
I was stood in front of the mirror, my black curly natural hair hanging over my shoulders as I fixed my dress, slipping on some heels as well. I had my makeup done earlier but I had broken out in some stress sweat, causing my face to become shiny as can be.
I dug into my black makeup bag and took out the compact powder and the right makeup brush. I opened the powder and jumped up slightly, feeling Cory – my boyfriend- his arms wrap around me from behind. My head moved up so I could look up at him.
That damn usual handsome smile was playing on his lips. He leaned down, gently pressing his lips against me. “You’re going to do great up there.” He said in a soft calming tone.
Out of everyone here, he was the one who knew how nervous I really was for this right moment. I had sang before obviously while recording the show and in the school choir but this was different. This could mean a big break for me.
“So will you.” I said softly, placing another kiss on his lips. The kiss ended as we heard Ryan call everyone in to get their in-ears and face microphones. This was it. For real.
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