I am drowning. The current was strong, and it swept me off, and I have been drowning for months. It started out silently, as it usually does, and when I finally noticed it, it was too late, I was underwater already. And it's not that I don't know how to swim, I do. But I have been thrown off by crushing waves so many times before, swam my way out only to get thrown against rocks again so I figured, what's the point?
I am in this weird limbo, constantly worried, anxious and hurting, you know, from all the water. But I don't actually die, and I am getting tired so I must decide whether to swim back up or continue hurting.
Depression sneaks up on you, you feel fine one day and then suddenly you haven't showered in days, your home is messy, and there's takeout packages everywhere. You feel like crawling out of your skin but can't actually move. It's only you, darkness and the unstopping current of pestering thoughts in your head.
I can't breathe under all this water, I can't see surrounded by all this darkness, I can't feel anything but tired.
I constantly see perfect lives on a tiny screen, I read about incredible love and friendship stories and wonder if that will ever be me.
Because at the moment it's just me, in the middle of the ocean, angry, tired, trapped by darkness and uncertainty, willing myself to survive when all my focus is centered on how easy it would be to just let go.
Letting the void consume me. Surrendering. Give up. Let go.
I can't drown and I refuse to keep floating aimlessly, with a heart full of anger, sorrow and regret that sinks me further each day.
I better start swimming then.
jacobvanloon
