i am in jae/takeshi hell at the moment because i can't stop thinking about how they left things - takeshi scared out of his mind and running after jae tells him to leave.
those few years before they meet again are probably the hardest that takeshi has ever been through in his life because he immediately runs back to seunghyun. jae unknowingly reinforces this idea in takeshi's mind that he's unloveable and even if he was, he wouldn't be worthy of it. his hands are stained red from all of the horrible things he's done, the horrible things he'd been forced to endure.
takeshi really thought he'd found something with jae despite how turmultuous their relationship was. jae gave him the run around, to be sure, but takeshi stayed because he felt like there was something more there and he'd been so excited, so happy about the prospect of them actually building a life together. jae was his light at the end of the tunnel despite how fucked up the two of them were -- jae gave him HOPE.
and so when that's ripped away from him, when takeshi's forced to either pick himself and start fresh or fall back into the hole he'd found himself in. he does this because it's all he knows, because he'd branched out and allowed himself to experience something new and it had blown up in his face - so he goes back to what he knows, what's reliable, despite how truly horrible seunghyun is, he goes back.
takeshi gets worse after he and jae stop talking ; he spirals further and further into this state of rot - he stops eating, his addictions grow stronger, he loses weight - all while jae is working on himself, he's healing and getting better and it's such an interesting contrast between the two of them because em has said before that jae as a person cannot be healed by love. he has to work on himself before he ever accepts love whereas takeshi is the opposite. he so desperately craves love to the point that he's unwilling to see that change needs to be made until he finally finds someone worth fighting for.
but then we move forward in time where jae stumbles across what would have been the end of takeshi. in a normal scenario, takeshi is killed because he tries to leave seunghyun, because his abuser's control on him gets weaker as takeshi finds love, hope, and confidence in himself. takeshi knows he's better than this life and he wants to be better, that's why he leaves. but when it comes to jae and takeshi's relationship, this doesn't happen. seunghyun attempts to kill him because takeshi's too far gone, he's lost the motivation, the energy, the strength to be of any use. so seunghyun decides to put him down like animal that's served it's purpose.
but then jae comes out of nowhere and completely turns the tables - they haven't seen each other in years but jae steps in and puts an end to seunghyun like it's nothing. over a decade of abuse gone just like that. and takeshi doesn't even get a second to process it because he sees jae and realizes that everything has changed. he might look different, but takeshi would be able to pick jae out of a crowd without an issue.
and there's this feeling of inferiority that courses through takeshi as he realizes that while he'd been suffering, struggling, getting worse - jae is doing well for himself. and that cuts deeper than any wound takeshi has ever experienced. he starts thinking that he's the problem - he had to be, right? he leaves jae alone and suddenly they see each other again and jae is thriving? what's takeshi supposed to think? it's an ugly feeling, the hatred, the jealousy that takeshi feels. he'd always hoped that they'd get better together, that they could be that support for one another but as it turns out all jae hadn't needed him at all, probably hadn't even wanted him either.
it's a tough pill to swallow - one that takeshi struggles with insanely. their time together at this point in time is brief, a day or two at MOST and it's filled with jae trying to reach out and takeshi shutting him down at every turn. takeshi is embarrassed that this is what their reunion looks like ; he doesn't know if he was ever really worth of being loved by jae but he knows that he isn't now. and to be fair - takeshi's still so caught up in the past that he doesn't want to love jae ( regardless of whether he stopped or not ) he just wants to wallow in self pity. he had wanted to die that day but jae hadn't even allowed him that.
so he's angry - so terribly angry. and that's how he leaves things ; another argument, this refusal to let jae in because it had turned out so terribly the first time.
but something changes after seeing jae again. for a while, takeshi's life is stagnant. he didn't think he'd ever live this long, so it wasn't exactly like he had a plan in mind for what comes next. but slowly, he gets better. he gets clean, removes himself from gang life and starts working on his photography and you know what? it works. he gets the job of his dreams, he's happy for once in his life.
in the span of a year, he's taken off and he's finally living life for himself - and jae is a huge inspiration behind that.
takeshi's first gallery opening is not a coincidence - it's barely about his work itself. it's an invitation to jae himself, unspoken but there nonetheless. the gallery is an ode to jae himself, pictures from their time together, never quite showing either of their faces but just enough detail that takeshi knows who it is. when jae shows up it's like some sort of romance movie moment - they lock eyes for the first time in a year and for once, they're both happy, they're both doing well - more importantly, takeshi is in a place where he feels deserving of love, of jae's love - if it's still there waiting for him.
because takeshi's love, throughout their entire narrative never once fades. it gets muddled between hatred and depression and every horrible thing that they've had to experience, but it never once faded. seeing jae again when he's doing better, when they're both doing better is just the icing on the cake. jae taught him that he has to love himself first, that he has to work on himself - because how can you possibly expect someone to love you when you don't even love yourself?
it's always been right person, wrong time with these two. but eventually, after they've been given a chance to heal and grow away from each other, it becomes right person, right time.
