You and San had always been close, and when you joined him to his usual friday night parties, your view of your best friend seemed to have changed more than you’d like.
word count: 3k
warnings: bestfriend!san, unprotected sex (boooo), hickeys, choking (slightly), creampie
a/n: i’ve been sooooo busy but i’ll update cruel summer in a few days! also not proofread so excuse my mistakes
ateez masterlist
Your detectable boredom hung in the air around you, cutting through the intense smell of liquors and marijuana. Three things you wish were easier to ignore. You were standing in the corner, with a red-colored cup in your left hand as you debated on just leaving right now. Your friend was here, somewhere in the huge house, and you were waiting for him to finish whatever he was doing just so you could finally go home.
Honestly, you were never one to enjoy parties, always declining politely and saying you had other things to do. You didn’t mind telling your best friend ‘no’ over and over again whenever he begged you to come with him. Which explains the surprised face this morning when you told him you’d join today.
You were here because you heard Mingi would come. A person you’ve been eyeing for a long time, but never had the confidence to talk to. These sorts of parties make those kinds of things much easier. The conversation will flow, and alcohol courage will keep it going. You thought you would see him tonight, but he never showed up, which explains your wish to leave. And to be very honest you wouldn’t stay here any longer even if he did show up.
You finally noticed San, your best friend, on the dance floor, his hands wrapped around a random girl’s waist as she was saying something in his ear. He was laughing, making you roll your eyes. It wasn’t anything new to you. He has taken multiple girls to your shared apartment, resulting you in sleeping with earphones every time he did because of the clear moans resonating through the thin walls.
He was for sure making them feel good though, and sometimes, you would think about wanting to be in their place for once, before shrugging away that thought immediately. He was your best friend, and roommate, so there were boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed.
You watched him for another moment before deciding to leave, not wanting to go back home with him and the plus-one whose voice would be heard the rest of the night.
San, on the contrary, was constantly thinking about you. He knew about your little crush and figured you were somewhere too lost in Mingi’s kisses to come and talk to him. He was excited to hear you were coming to the party, finally joining him in what felt like ages, but when he heard Mingi was coming, he got the message and left you alone for the night.
However, when he noticed your dress in the corner of his eyes, he followed your form to the entrance, immediately breaking away from the girl as he followed you. He pushed the bodies in front of him out of the way, trying to keep up with you and your fast tempo.
‘’Where are you going?’’ He yelled after you when he caught up to you outside, making you turn around, surprised to see him jogging towards you.
‘’I thought you were leaving with that girl, so I was heading back already’’ You said, planting your hands in the pockets of the leather jacket you borrowed from San, the jacket he thinks is way too big on you. He just can’t deny how good it looks on you, his clothes, claiming you as his in some way.
‘’I wouldn’t leave with someone else when I took you to this party, I thought you were with Mingi’’ He said, starting to walk towards the direction of your shared apartment, making speed up to walk with him.
‘’Didn’t show up’’
‘’You’re too good for him anyway’’ He muttered, clear enough for you to hear as you let out a chuckle.
‘’You seemed to be enjoying yourself out there’’ You said, changing the subject so he wouldn’t make your heart flutter like that again.
Because he looked absolutely gorgeous right now, the light sweater accentuating his toned shoulders while his hair fell loosely on his forehead, a smirk plastered on his face at your comment. The dimly lit streetlights illuminating his face. His steps matched yours, while he subconsciously made them smaller so he would be at the same pace as you.
‘’She wasn’t interesting’’ He simply said, running a hand through his hair as he looked at the road in front of him. The sound of your steps on the concrete could be heard on the quiet road, and you couldn’t help but feel a little proud of yourself that you were the one San was taking home at the end of the day.
You just hummed, closing your jacket a bit more at the night breeze, before he threw his arm around you, his body warmth warming you up more. Your heart tightened, a reaction you didn’t see coming at the small move he has done multiple times before.
You continued the comfortable silent walk until you were in front of your door, entering the code as you felt San’s body dangerously close to yours, his hand ghosting your side. When you got inside, you immediately made a beeline for the couch, dropping your exhausted body on it as San chuckled at you.
‘’Let’s go to sleep’’ He grabbed your arm, lifting you from the couch easily as your body crashed against his, his hand on your waist supporting you before guiding you towards his room. You kept walking to your own room though, but the hand on your wrist stopped you. ‘’Stay with me’’ He said, making your eyes widen.
‘’Why?’’
‘’You sleep in my bed most of the time, why not today?’’
Because I want to kiss you so bad, it’s killing me.
‘’Because I just want to watch my drama a bit more’’ You lied through your teeth, not daring to tell him the actual reason. Because you don’t trust yourself right now with the drinks you’ve had tonight.
‘’Just stay with me tonight’’ He almost begged, making your insides twist at the thought of sharing a bed with him right now.
You don’t know what switched inside you tonight, but you were constantly thinking about San, a problem you usually never have. You thought it could be the way none of the men inside the frat house interested you, thinking about how much better San would be at something, or how San wouldn’t make you uncomfortable when he touches your sides when the other guys did.
The interior of his room reflected his personality. Black and white themed, not too much but still detailed with the paintings he hung on his wall. He was neat, neater than any boy of your age that you’ve seen the rooms of.
Before you knew it, you were in his bed, wearing his t-shirt as he stayed a fair distance away from you, but not far enough to keep the countless thoughts about him out of your mind, and if it wasn’t for your tiredness, you wouldn’t have been able to fall asleep this quickly.
That tiredness slipped away when you woke up a few moments later. San’s hand was wrapped around your waist, splayed out on your bare stomach while his crotch pressed against your ass. His mouth was so close to your ear that you could feel his pillowy lips against the side of your neck. You had to bite back a whimper when he pulled you closer, the friction making you realize just how turned on you were by the feeling of his hands on you.
It was bad, you knew it, so you tried to fall back asleep. You shifted, trying to get out of his tight grip as he only pulled you closer, a groan leaving his mouth which went straight to your core. It took a couple more minutes of shifting before you felt yourself growing more and more frustrated.
‘’Sannie’’ You whispered, looking back to see his eyes flutter open.
‘’What’s wrong?’’ His raspy voice spoke, lips so close to yours, you could feel his breathing against them.
‘’You’re too close’’ You said, voice weak and shaky.
‘’Hmm? You don’t want me close?’’ He teased, his hand rubbing your stomach softly.
‘’I do, but it’s dangerous’’
‘’And what if that’s exactly what I’m looking for’’ He said, moving his body which resulted in him hovering over you as he moved your hair out of your face. You didn’t dare to say anything, afraid of what might come out of your mouth. ‘’Tell me,’’ His head moved to your neck, placing his lips against your collarbone, ‘’You really want me to stop?’’ he placed another kiss, making your breath hitch as you struggled to keep yourself from moaning.
‘’Cat’s got your tongue?’’ He chuckled, a side of San you’ve never experienced showing. His own cat-like eyes look at you with that gaze you recognize. As if he’s telling you he’s got you right where he wants you to be.
‘’I’m going to get some water’’ You said, shoving yourself out of his grip before stumbling towards the door. You didn’t know why you wanted to get away, but you were so scared of finally showing yourself to San. The confidence you always had slipping away when he was so close to kissing you. You filled your glass with cold water before gulping it all away in one go. Your hands leaned against the counter, contemplating what you were going to do now.
The door of San’s room opened, revealing him as he walked towards you with his sweatpants hanging low on his hips, exposing his extremely well-toned torso clad in his workout compression shirt. There was a smirk on his face as he approached you. He grabbed your glass before filling it up with water himself and taking a small sip.
‘’You good?’’ He asked, trying not to smile at your flushed red face. You were trying to play it cool, looking at him with those eyes of yours, but he noticed your foot tapping on the ground, indicating how nervous you seemed to be.
‘’Fine’’ You hated how weak your voice sounded.
He laughed, placing the glass on the counter. ‘’Why are you nervous?’’ His voice was still raspy. He moved a bit closer, feeling his body heat against your skin as he leaned towards your ear, ‘’Do I make you nervous?’’ He asked.
‘’You do’’ You said before doing something you will probably regret tomorrow, but those worries were for tomorrow only.
You crashed your lips on his, catching him off guard as he smiled in the kiss. His hands pulled your hips closer to his, making you groan as he sucked on your lower lip before entering his tongue in your mouth. You felt every part of your body on fire, something you haven’t felt in such a long time.
Your hands were tangled in his hair, pulling it back, eliciting a deep grunt from him. His hands went to the back of your thighs, lifting you up to sit on the counter as he went between them, kissing you like there was no tomorrow. Your hands wrapped around the back of his neck, so lost in the feeling of his lips on yours. He was slow with you, fingers rubbing your thigh and leaving the skin burning with pleasure.
He took you in his arms, walking you to his room again as he dropped you back on the bed, your legs wrapping around his waist. He sat back, pulling off his shirt as you did the same with yours, revealing a dark purple lace bralette. His favorite color.
‘’Did you wear this one for me, hm?’’ He teased, placing his lips underneath your ear, making you sigh in pleasure as you nodded, not daring to tell him you were thinking about him when you bought it.
He kissed you again, his hand around your waist making you arch your back against his torso, feeling his way bigger body against you as it caged you between him and the soft mattress.
He had imagined this before, whenever he brought a girl over, he would think about the sounds you would make if you were in her position and the way your soft skin would feel against his.
‘’You’re so hot, can’t believe we didn’t do this earlier’’ He muttered, breaking away from the kiss as he kissed the top of your breasts while fumbling with the edge of your panties, your breath coming out staggered by his movements. ‘’Always imagined it’s you whenever I bring a girl over’’
Now that was a comment you didn’t expect, and one that made your panties ever wetter in just a few seconds.
‘’Please just fuck me already’’ You whined, growing needy and just wanting to feel him deep inside you. He tutted at you, his hand moving away from your panties.
‘’We’re going to do this my way, and I’m going to take my time’’ He said, ‘’Want to see all of you’’ He added, kissing down the valley of your breasts and opening your legs with his knee.
You bit your lip, his lips coming close to where you needed them the most. You looked down at the view, his head between your thighs, a view you would probably never forget.
San felt the same way, feeling your soft skin under his fingertips, your small breaths and whimpers music to his ears as he teased you slowly because he never wanted this moment to end. It felt like a dream. His lips went back to your stomach, kissing their way up to your lips again.
‘’Can I take these off?’’ He whispered, pulling your panties down when you nodded, exposing yourself to him. His hands then went to your waist, lifting you up as his fingers undid the clip of your bra.
He gawked at you, making you hide your body with your arms as his hands grabbed your wrists. ‘’Don’t hide’’ He pushed you back down against the bed, this time pulling off his own trousers and boxers, leaving him naked in front of you as he smiled at you, making butterflies erupt in your stomach.
‘’Do you want to do this?
‘’Yes’’ You whined, high on the feeling of what was about to happen.
San entered two fingers, making you throw your head back in delight. Your hand came up next to your head as you held onto the pillow tightly, pleasure erupting in your body as he held your hips in place with his other hand. His fingers went up to your clit, rubbing it slowly as you moaned his name over and over.
‘’Please San, I need you inside’’ You said, pulling him towards you for a kiss as he smiled at your needy state.
‘’Yeah, need my dick?’’ He said in a cocky tone, wanting to see you beg for it.
‘’Yeah- need it now, please’’ You said, the feeling of his fingers driving you near the edge.
“Condom?” He asked, looking into your eyes.
“I’m on birth control” You assured.
However San didn’t tell you that you were the only one he asked, but because it was you, he couldn’t help but want to feel you. All of you.
His hand went around your throat, holding it softly while he locked his eyes with yours, his fingers leaving you as you felt his tip enter you. He pressed a bit harder on the sides of your throat, making you moan out of bliss as you felt his hips meet yours.
‘’So good, baby, all mine’’ He whimpered at the pleasure, slowly pulling out, then pushing in with the same speed. You felt the drag of his cock inside your walls, feeling every vein and rolling your eyes back when he pulled out again.
He kept the slow pace, fucking you deeper every time. His hands were all over your body, gentle touches keeping you close to him. You were seeing stars, lost in the pleasure and his lips on the side of your neck.
‘’Mingi could never fuck you like this’’ He said, sucking and creating marks to show off to others that you were his now. ‘’Hm? Would he fuck you better?’’
‘’No, he can’t’’ He sped up at your answer. His hand went to your clit, rubbing circles, getting you closer and closer to your high. Your nails were digging into his neck, his hand placed on your hip, holding you in place as his hips snapped deeper inside of you. His groans went straight in your ear, his deep raspy voice like music. He grabbed your leg, hoisting it over his shoulder as the angle made you see stars.
‘’Gonna- ah’’ You mumbled, not able to form a proper sentence. ‘’Gonna cum’’ You moaned, watching the way he slid inside you easily as you threw your head back, the high taking over. Your brows were knitted together as you came, making it hard for him to last any longer.
‘’Good girl’’ He praised, stroking your sweaty hair out of your face as he pounded deeper inside of you. ‘’Where do you want me to cum?’’
‘’Inside, please, fill me up San’’ You stammered. ‘’Need it, need it so bad’’
He stilled inside you at your words, before releasing his load deep inside you, groaning as his head was buried in the crook of your neck. You stayed like that with him for a while, until he pulled out, kissing your cheek softly.
‘’Are you okay?’’ He asked, making you nod with a smile.
He got up, threw on sweatpants as you closed your eyes, still in bliss, before you felt a wet cloth between your legs, San cleaning you up before handing you his shirt. He dropped beside you, pulling you to his chest.
‘’We should do this more often’’ You chuckled, making him smile against the top of your head.
‘’Like a regular thing?’’
‘’I mean, if you want to?’’ You mumbled, suggesting friends with benefits with San was something you never thought you would do.
‘’I definitely want to’’ He chuckled, lifting your head and placing a kiss on your lips before you snuggled a bit closer.
last song: pirate king (overload mix) by ateez
favourite colour: i'd say it depends, but i gravitate towards black
last show: a good day to be a dog (yes i am watching it bc hwa mentioned it)
relationship status: 🧍🏻♂️
sweet, spicy, or savory: approx. 50% sweet, 10% spicy, 40% savory
current obsession: checking for updates at midnight kst (iykyk)
last thing googled: deja vu ateez chords
coming back from my tumblr death to do this 😌 thank you @atxxzist my lovie for tagging me (also i neeed to read your newest fic give me some more time i’ll be back)
last song: alive -b.i (my favorite person ever after ateez lol)
favourite colour: black and dark blue
last show: little women (A MASTERPIECE pls watch it)
relationship status: still not over my ex lol
sweet, spicy, or savory: i like all three
current obsession: b.i, strawberry cake from the local cafe, a court of mist and fury and taemin
you're not sure how long you've been crying, your sense of time completely lost and only able to tell day from night by how the blueish sky and clouds turned into an orange horizon before the stars came out of the pitched darkness.
only able to tell the cafe is near closing time when the pitiful and sorry expressions of passersby starts decreasing and the place grows so quiet, you can hear the clinking of cups and utensils as the workers begin cleaning up.
they probably feel sorry for you, one of them even offered a cup of coffee earlier when they noticed your swelling eyes in the corner and the fact you were obviously not okay.
you wipe another lone tear with your sleeve when a gentle tap on the table takes your attention, snapping around to see one of the workers who looks about your age and is most likely a local student working part-time.
"hey, miss, just letting you know we're closing in about ten minutes," she says, treading carefully because you already look like you had an awful day.
"oh, i'm sorry," your voice comes out hoarse, bowing slightly in apology as you stand up. "i'll get going."
"would you like anything before you go?"
you shake your head, the first smile of the day settling on your lips faintly as you thank her.
the air outside is crisp as the months go by, leaving summer behind to accomodate fall. time have passed and the leaves are changing.
you didn't go back to the dorms earlier because you didn't want to face yuna when she'd occasionally return in between classes for breaks and whatnot. she would notice something immediately given how conflicting your guys' schedules are in the first place.
you didn't want to tell her that you got your heart broken (the short version) and didn't attend any classes at all. you're not ready for that conversation yet, settling for isolating and humiliating yourself in a public space instead until you're ready to go back.
but you just feel absolutely defeated and foolish, all this time clinging onto something that was never going to work out. something that you knew from the beginning was doomed to fail.
you've had so many chances to make it right and cut it off when time still hasn't ran itself into the ground and things were still in your favor.
had the relationship stopped when mingi and yunho asked you to, and had you not let him back in the day he came to the dorm, it still wouldn't feel so hard to breathe and you could've been spared the worst possible heartbreak.
but after all, you did it to yourself. so you will wallow in your own pity party and regrets, rethinking of all the stupid choices in life you've made--this being one of many.
you take the time walking back to the dorms and readjusting yourself to make sure your appearance doesn't give off you've been crying all day, and the first time you see him in a few months... he feels like the calm standing in the middle of an ongoing storm.
for just the slightest seconds, you feel relieved at the familiar head of black hair that used to be blonde and the pair of spectacles over his eyes. you forgot how strikingly good looking yeosang actually is.
"hey!" he's the first to greet, one hand in the air by natural reflexes and there's something that dances in his body excitedly before he catches on and tones it down.
"where did you come back from?" he asks after you two agreed on a spot at the side of the building, the ghostly breeze passing by the almost empty area.
"the cafe," you answer, your delivery a lot stronger than expected.
"oh. studying? i just came back from the library after cramming for chemistry."
you just shake your head, not offering anything else. you really are happy to see yeosang again but it's hard to show the enthusiam after what happened today, and yeosang can tell something isn't right.
"hey, you okay?" he speaks softly, attempting to catch a glance of your profile since you have it hidden behind your hair all this time.
and that's all it takes for you to break down again, your tears hurling before you even give it permission, because it hurts so much.
it may had stung with junseo, your ex-boyfriend. but with san, despite the fact you guys never actually dated, the pain is so much more unbearable because you loved san. you still love him.
yeosang can only stare with alerted eyes, unsure how to console you because this scenario is a first.
"i-i just feel so stupid," you drag it out, clogged throat and all, finally turning to face yeosang and he can see how puffy your eyes are even in the poor lighting.
you're not sure why it's him of all people you're telling this to. you just need to get it out of the system, having kept it to yourself for so long like a dark secret that's been slowly killing you from the inside, but now that you're about to spill it, it does feel like some of the burden will be lifted.
"i should've listened to mingi and yunho. i should've never let him back in. i should've never even remotely think that i had a chance."
once you speak, you just keep going. you feel you can trust yeosang.
"i've been seeing san behind their backs, and he dumped me today, obviously and rightfully so. i should've seen it coming," your voice changes from defeat to acceptance so quick, by the time you're finish, only a tired sigh comes out.
yeosang is stunned initially, still not sure how to react at such a raw and vulnerable confession, especially coming from you. but you must've been pushed to the last option judging by the current state.
he's not surprise san turned out to be exactly how he predicted. guys like that are cliche, but girls like you will fall for it because you're too sweet and naive, lacking of experiences and easy to take advantage of.
he had suspicions, but again, it wasn't any of his business.
"and why are you only blaming yourself for it?" his first reply is full of frustration toward the amount of slack you're giving san.
you're about to say something in response but stops because you realize he's right, recalling how mad you were at san before, but now taking it out on yourself.
"if you liked him that much, he knew it for sure and used it against you. i don't know what went down, but you should be kinder to yourself. you need it after whatever that douche just put you through."
you stay quiet, not because you don't have anything to say but because you really needed to hear that after today. something kind and heartwarming.
"i just don't know how i'm going to tell mingi and yunho. eventually they will have to know, i don't want to keep it from them forever."
yeosang curls his lips together, arranging his thoughts before speaking again, "i really do say this with the best intention, and i know mingi and yunho cares for you dearly but at the end of the day, you don't owe them anything. you're your own person and you made a mistake... a choice, and whenever you're ready, you'll tell them."
you reside in the thought for long enough before nodding in agreement. he's probably right. for now, you need time to yourself and to think everything through before pleasing anybody else.
"thank you, yeosang... for listening to me."
he smiles and nod.
"i'm honored to be someone you can trust," he says at the same time he stands up and offers a hand. "i'll walk you to your room."
you start off by throwing away any reminders of him, whether it's the jacket with a humiliating history or the stupid bear he won to fool you, it's all gone. you don't want anything of him left behind.
you can still recognize him by touch, by his unique scent that if it was to whisk past your nose, you would immediately know who it belongs to. sometimes your heart would skip a beat when there's a knock at the door or when your phone goes off with a notification because you're so afraid by chance, it just might be him.
truth is, regardless of anything, thoughts of san will always linger like a bad headache but you just figure it might make it easier.
you focus on refining your drafts and old works, and even started taking more interests in other classes unrelated to your major. as long as your mind is occupied, you won't have time to think about him.
mingi and yunho are busy with their own schedules which you're grateful for in your own callous ways because then, you get to procrastinate on telling them.
before you know it, your routine has reverted back to its old way of tedious school assignments, your job, and long periods of seclusion, it doesn't seem like you're talking to anybody these days.
when you finally decide to leave the dorm for a change of scene, not much options on the list besides the nearby cafe as you send the workers from before a shy smile and head nod, trailing to the usual table at the back.
"this seat taken?" that familiar voice makes you pick your head up from digging through your backpack.
yeosang stands tall and has his own bag hanging over his shoulder, one eyebrow quirking when he meets your gaze.
"no. i just sat as well."
he nods and takes the seat across, throwing his bag to the side before asking, "you feeling any better?"
you blink a few times before shrugging and answering, "i'm okay."
granted it's only been a couple of days, he isn't expecting a world of changes, but just that you're feeling better even if little by little.
"have you talked to mingi or yunho at all ever since?"
"small conversations, mostly texts but haven't really gotten the time to sit down with them and hang out or anything. they're busy."
"i see. haven't really got the time with yunho as well. the guy i work for, he had to run somewhere so the shop was closed early and i just thought i'd pass by."
you hum at his words, reaching for your laptop but yeosang continues on, "by the way, i didn't see you at all in any of the major classes. did you finally took my advice? or am i just pushing it?"
a genuine chuckle makes your mouth burst until your face calms into a smile because thinking of it, it's actually been so long since you've properly spoken to yeosang if not counting the one from days ago.
so many things have happened since then, notably the fall from grace of yours and san's 'relationship' and all the highs and the lows. it's been a while.
most of your past encounters with yeosang was because you two shared the same class, but it's harder now given the circumstances. you haven't even had the chance to tell him he was the one who persuaded you to follow your passion (in the making).
"yeah, i dropped that stupid major so long ago much thanks to you."
"tskk," he scoffs, both flattered and offended because technology is in his blood. "geez, one class and you already sworn off the entire field. funny, because that was actually one of the easier classes."
you have to reframe from an eye roll but give in when a smirk so confidently paints his expression.
"i just found out it wasn't for me the hard way. better now than later."
"and that's okay," he switches from the playful tone to a more stern one, "so, you went into writing after all?"
"yeah..."
"and how are you liking it so far?"
"a lot better," you chuckle lightly and even he returns one, "but i'm still exploring... trying to find my style and who i am when it comes to writing."
there's been times where you felt envious of the students in your class just seeing the average scores on papers and thinking to yourself how is it possible for someone to get such a perfect mark or to be so sure of themselves and who they are when enaging in discussions.
you wish to be that certain of yourself and your abilities.
"that's good. you still have a lot of time so don't rush it."
you don't know what it is, but in the darkest of times and when you're in need of comfort the most, yeosang is always there as the light at the end of the tunnel.
he isn't always around but will show at the right time, and perhaps it's a bit dramatic but it's as if he's your guardian angel--always aware of what to say and do to make you feel better.
you're grateful to have him... especially when he becomes the only thing keeping you sane within the next few days--something to look forward to so you're not stuck dissecting another dream and what it means.
it only takes some desperate appearances at the cafe and some pitiful day-to-day life stories for yeosang to offer you his number, saying you can call or text anytime and he'll respond when he can.
the exchange makes you so happy and honestly is the first feeling of joy in a while that before you know it, you're growing even closer to yeosang and it's almost hysterical thinking back to the first meeting.
some days and nights are easier than others, sometimes able to go the entirety without thinking of san too much or letting that wave of anxiety and doom consume you. and some nights... both of these things would strike hard making you turn and toss until you're staring at the wall lifelessly.
you're not even sure if writing it down will make it any better. you haven't touched that notebook in forever and can't recall the last time you actually wrote in it.
at this point in time, it appears to be just one more reminder of him.
you didn't think anybody would take notice to your behavior, not that there's a plethora of people you know anyways. but aside from mingi and yunho, the only other person who would possibly give a shit about you is your own roommate.
and for as little credits as you tend to give her sometimes, yuna notices, asking out of the blue one sudden morning if you're okay.
it's so abrupt, you have to blink a few times before assuring her you're fine, but she doesn't look convinced in the slightest.
"you've been looking troubled these past few days. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and you're awake, staring at the ceiling, wall, or on your phone," she says with distress, getting up from her bed to sit at the edge of yours and locking eyes concernedly.
"i know i'm hardly ever around, but if anything's bothering you... you can tell me. i mean, if you want to, of course..."
because you and yuna may hold a lot of differences down to personalities, interests, lifestyle, but she is still a girl. you're a girl. if there's anyone in your life who would be able to relate to stupid boy dramas and getting your heart torn apart by one, it's her.
"it's uh... it's about san," you admit, even his name on your lips already triggering, but maybe telling one more person might rid some of the guilt for not telling mingi and yunho, yet.
"ooh..." she thinks of the name for a second but is quick to remember. "the guy from the party."
"yeah..."
"i could tell he liked you then, but you didn't seem very happy when i brought him up again so i just assumed you guys had something going on but it ended for some reason."
"we had a... thing, i guess you can call it. it was on and off, and mostly stupid. but it's over now and i'm just having a hard time..." you don't finish the sentence, unable to find the words you're looking for.
"being away from him?" yuna adds, a short staring contest ensuing before you nod.
"yeah."
when he becomes a part of your routine, most of your waking moments spent in the presence of him, everything suddenly feels so wrong when he's not by your side.
"sorry to hear," another apologetic tone falls from her. "i can't offer much, but if you need someone or something, i'm here."
you send a gentle smile her way, nodding.
"you listening is enough."
yuna is a good friend and a good person and you can finally appreciate all of it now that you're not so stuck chasing something else.
she buys some treats for you on the way back from her usual rendezvous and although you tell her she didn't have to, you also make sure she knows you appreciate the kind gesture.
you had subtly dropped the hint that she cannot, in any way, let it slip to mingi or yunho--if she by chance ever crosses path with them which you don't doubt could happen considering the proximity in which you live within each other.
but the fact she knows proves to be just about the last push you need to muster up the courage to tell both mingi and yunho.
you think you've held it for long enough and it doesn't seem fair that yeosang and yuna got to know it before them, the ones you swore an oath to only to break it.
the day you plan to fess up, you send a short text to yeosang if he's available to meet at the usual place.
"so you're really going to do it?" is his immediate response to the announcement.
"yeah. i don't know for how much longer i can keep it from them. it's killing me."
"have you thought of how you're going to do it?"
you shake your head, every possible scenario you already thought of not at all satisfying or fitting.
"no, but... i want to tell them in person and be as truthful as possible, down to every last lie."
he nods, a sympathetic look on him but understanding that this is a matter between only the three of you.
"let me know how it turns out. they might be upset for a while but they're still your friends."
for the longest time, you grew up without any form of love or affection from those around you, always falling behind the other kids and feeling as if you didn't belong anywhere.
all of your primary and middle school years spent alone because you were shy and timid and didn't know how to talk to anyone.
mingi was the first to break the ice after noticing one too many times the way you'd always look so lost sitting under that oak tree by yourself, and being a barely fourteen year old social butterfly who at the time didn't understand some circumstances are not by choice, he felt the need to befriend you.
it took a lot of pestering and embarrassing himself to get you to open up, but eventually, you knew he and yunho were people you could trust.
so you didn't only went behind your friends back, but you lied to mingi and yunho, two of the only people to ever show you love and affection.
anything is possible at this point and you believe betrayal is a very reasonable reaction.
you text them when they're off work and likely able to spare some time, asking if they can drop by because you want to talk.
"if you really miss me, you know could've just cal--"
mingi's figure halfway through the crack of the door stops when he meets yunho's equally perplexed glare, both of them unknowing to the fact the other was gonna be showing up.
"what? is this some kind of surprise because we haven't hung out in so long?" he closes the door and stands before you and yunho, who shrugs in response.
"i just got here as well."
while the two continues jokingly theorizing the reason you called them here, your body is tense the entire time because they really are in front of you now and you're so nervous about their reactions it sounds like their voices have muffled into a commotion matching your heartbeat until you're blurting out, "i've been seeing san behind your guys back all this time."
the silence after is so deadly, from the way the small talk immediately stops to the fall of their expressions as the room grows uneasy.
"you're kidding me," yunho is the first of the two to say something.
"i'm being serious, and i know what i did is awful," you go on because you told yourself you wouldn't stop until everything is out, but it proves to be more of a struggle than predicted despite the preparation because of the two, the person you expected to have the most compassion, looks the angriest right now.
"i don't expect you guys to--"
but your words are cut short when mingi just turns around and leave the room instead, your sight starting to blur as you fight back the tears.
yunho deflates with a sigh of his chest and shake his head at you, disappointment all over his face that crushes your soul because letting your friends down actually feels so much worse.
"when? why? and for how long?" he interrogates.
"around the beginning of summer? i-i promise, i did tried to stay away at first but then he came into my room and--"
"--jesus christ, y/n. that's almost what? four, five months?"
"i know." and you just start bawling then, absolutely guilty and wrong and ashamed.
"he didn't force anything on you, did he? because i swear, i will knock his fucking teeth out."
"he didn't," you deny weakly, a silence hanging in the air as yunho's at loss for words, honestly still so many questions running through his mind.
and then you tell him everything. from the night san busted into your room to the secret meetups, the carnival date, the trip, the parties, and down till the last second where he 'dumped' you pathetically.
he's not taking it very well but he's taking it a lot better than you expected, and is surprisingly the least upset of the two. said you can still reach out to him but he's going to need some time.
you don't hear from mingi for the next four days. he doesn't answer to any of your calls or messages.
it's rare and unusual to see him genuinely upset, you could probably count on one hand the amount of time something really pissed him off.
you hurt him and is now suffering from the consequences.
once yunho starts coming around, he replies to one of your texts regarding mingi and said for you to also give him time. that sooner or later, he will most likely want to talk to you about it. tell him what you told yunho but know that you lied and broke their trusts in some form.
in the midst of dealing with your friends not speaking to you, yeosang keeps you company for most days.
he entertains you by telling stories of his day-to-day job working at a computer repair shop, most of the time spent assembling customized gaming pcs, that if you're to ever stop by, he can teach you a thing or two (if you're interested).
"the guy that owns the shop, he's chill. but on slow days, i use the time to do most of my school works," he tells you.
and time passes by like that until mingi's ready to talk.
he makes an appearance by paying a surprise visit one unsuspecting evening, a knock at your door to a sullen look on him.
"hey," you awkwardly greet, attempting to lessen the tension with a light smile after.
"let's talk."
he walks himself in, flopping on the edge of your bed as he pats the spot beside for you to take a seat.
there's no prolonging or beating around the bush, and you're honestly glad for it, dying to address and settle everything to savor the few things you still have.
"i want to know, how long exactly after that conversation we had did you start seeing him again?"
the serious, sullen look on him never leaves, and it only intensifies when he asks that question. you try the best digging into scraps of your memories for accuracy but truthfully, the timeline is a little hazy.
but from mingi and yunho telling you to stay away from san to the day you relasped, it must've been a month at least.
"i did mean what i said at the time, i swear."
because you don't want him to think that the lies already started then; only giving him what he wanted to hear, if that's why he's asking you the question.
"i didn't text or call him, and if he did, i ignored him. i was spending most of my time inside or at the cafe and i was fortunate enough yeosang was there sometimes to accompany me. he even showed up drunk one time but i kicked him out."
you tell him the things you did right first, because you know you're about to disappoint him.
"then he came again one day, and i just... gave in. that must've been about a month after the conversation."
the manner in which mingi's shoulders drop the same time he heaves out irritatedly is expected, only watching in silence as he rakes his hair in frustration.
"what pains me the most is not that you lied to me, but that you would willingly hurt yourself."
he's had time to come to terms with the fact although it bugged him greatly because it just wasn't you... to lie countless times, and over a guy. but to some extent, he can let it slide depending on the circumstances.
but what he can't get around to is you going back to san, knowing one-hundred percent in the deepest of your heart whether you want to deny it or not, that he won't be able to give you what you want.
that you will get hurt, you are going to get hurt.
he tries his best to protect you without all the coddling or cradling, afraid of coming off overbearing but it is so disheartening to watch you do this to yourself.
it must take a level of low self-esteem and self-hatred, and... he really just feel so fucking sorry for you.
"and the worst part was that he actually tried ending things sooner and i was the one to seek him out for the last time," you unveil because he's right and the only thing you know how to do when guilty is to fess up.
"he said maybe someday, he could see himself with me... but not right now."
sympathy is quick to take over mingi, because in spite of it all, he will always hold a soft spot for you.
"and you're not thinking he actually means what he said, now do you?"
because san's a dickhead and could be using that as leverage for the last time; give you false hope and feed ideas into your gullible mind that there's a chance; a maybe in the future.
"the first part? no." you chuckle bitterly. "i won't ever be the one for him and i don't wish for anything more between us from now on."
"good. because fuck that guy. i hope for nothing but only the worst for him."
and for all your fuck-ups and downfalls, you don't know if you're ever deserving of mingi whose only punishments is the four days of silent treatments, and that for the next two months, he's going to be wrecking your wallet because you're now responsible for treating him and yunho.
it's as if getting a slap on the wrist for what you did, you will be eternally grateful.
he also tells you--in light of trying to find the positives in a rather fucked-up situation, that in some sick and messed up way, at least you experienced what it's like to love someone.
that you may feel san left you hanging, but him running you off is closure. it is as much of an ending as it can be.
a week and a half after you talked to mingi, mostly everything went back to normal.
you had been so scared confessing your sins to your two best friends, deathly afraid they wouldn't forgive you only for yunho to start speaking to you again not even a day later.
a repetitive routine, tedious school works and job; you're all too used to it by now, going on most days like there still isn't a lasting sadness always present and your heart still isn't healing.
you're better, but not completely okay.
mingi notices as he always does, spewing something about the best way to get over a broken heart is to have some fun, joining hands with your roommate behind your back in order to drag you to some club-restaurant.
you had put on exactly what she suggested: a black silk dress that hugs your frame perfectly, heels you can barely walk in--plus she even did your hair and makeup.
"come on, y/n. you look totally hot," yuna assures, after you told the both of them 'to get over someone is to go under someone else' isn't gonna work and you're not gonna start shaking ass on some random stranger.
"yeah, lighten up a little. but we're not only here to pimp you out, we're also here to feast and to officially say: fuck that son of a bitch, choi san, he can--"
"--oh my gosh, can you be any louder?" you hiss, flustered by the volume.
"actually, i can. he's so lucky to have his balls still intact because the urge to cut them off."
"can't believe i thought he was nice," yuna joins.
"that's how it all starts, honey."
you dismiss the chattering and switch focus to the dance floor that's actually quite empty, but mingi had made a point about more people turning up later. and truthfully, the place kind of scares you just as every loud and obnoxious settings do.
"no but forreal y/n, don't worry if you're unable to find anyone. we got just the perfect person for you."
you don't think too much of what he said, disregarding it like you do to all things mingi, only for yunho to show with none other than yeosang not even ten minutes later.
you were wondering where he was.
"sit your fucking asses down, i'm starving," mingi urges the two boys who finally sits after a few comments under their breath, and of course, yeosang is in the middle and facing you.
"hi, i'm yuna. you must be yeosang," your roommate introduces herself. it would be their first time meeting.
he nods and ushers her a thin smile, muttering out a "nice to meet you."
"so what are we getting? any suggestions?" yunho speaks.
"margarita, anyone?" mingi says, sloppily flipping through the menu.
"okay, at least one of us needs to stay sober to keep eyes on the rest just so nobody does anything stupid."
mingi blows, mocking the idea.
"no, fuck that. we're here to have fun and are taking cabs back anyway. might as well go all out."
"and by nobody, i mean you," yunho rebuts.
"i'm great at handling my alcohol, right, y/n?" he looks to you but you only brush it off with a chuckle because if there's anyone to do something stupid under the influence, it's definitely mingi.
"i'll just take a pepsi," yeosang chips in, offering to be that person. "i'm not great with alcohol."
you stare at him momentarily before agreeing, "yeah, me too. i'll take lemonade."
"geez, it's like i'm out with my grandparents," mingi snarks, you and yeosang locking eyes briefly before giggling quietly.
after some time and a lot of quarrelling, you guys decide on a pepperoni pizza and some hot wings, mingi pressuring the two boys next to him to go up and order.
they're barely a feet away from the table when your friend and roommate already start sticking their noses up your business.
"so..." the both of them echo together, it's scary how in sync they are. mingi being the one to eventually finish it off.
"what do you think of yeosang?" he hasn't even blinked at all.
"he's... cool." you shrug, the answer making both of them roll their eyes.
"cool? bitch please."
"he is totally cute, though," yuna adds.
"right. and smart, and totally one-hundred percent approved by us, and was there for y/n when chicken boy san fucked her over even though she was bitching about him at first."
"enemies to lovers?"
"that's what i'm saying!"
"you guys are so dramatic," you squeak, annoyed, "and i'm not gonna use yeosang just to get over him. that would be unfair to yeosang."
the both of them hum and nod, actually in agreement.
"you're right. yeosang shouldn't be a rebound. he's a keeper, that means after you get your shit together--"
he stops when he can hear the two making their way back to the table, passing a knowing glare to both you and yuna before dropping the topic.
and just when you think they would forget about it--too busy chewing your own food and listening to the chitters and music, you completely miss the exchange between your friend and roommate as they smirk mischievously and mumbles something inaudibly to each other.
"i'm full, anyone up for some dancing?" yuna picks her head your direction, the food in your mouth not even fully swallowed when she snatches your wrist and hauls it to the dance floor, "let's dance, y/n."
in the midst of your protest, you can hear yeosang in the background as mingi drags him along.
yunho is unable to do anything except laugh because it was so obvious what the two was trying to do, having caught the act himself.
"yuna, i don't know how to dance," you tell her, eyeing the people around you up and down as they grind against each other.
"you don't need to know how. just have fun!" she playfully pushes you by the shoulder, rocking her head to the beat of the song playing.
and just as you start loosening up a little, someone crashes into your back... rather purposely.
"oop, sorry. didn't see you there," mingi apologizes for yeosang who was the one to bump into you because he was pushing the boy through the crowd like a ragdoll.
you already know where this is going and they're so annoying for it.
there's a second where you and yeosang meet eyes, but are quickly taken away when yuna speaks again.
"well dang, i think i drank a little too much. gonna head to the restroom."
"yeah, me too. that margarita, man," mingi exaggerates, and just like that, they're both scuttling away. leaving you on the dance floor with yeosang.
you're livid at your friends for setting you up, but once you turn to yeosang and sees the soft look in his eyes, some of the rage dissipates.
"well, uh... you look good," he starts by complimenting your outfit, because he's never seen you in that style before. it suits you, he thinks.
"thanks, i guess." you chuckle it off, because yes, you meet him occasionally in the cafe, but this setting is so different and so is the vibe right now. "it all belongs to yuna."
"still looks good on you."
and you're thankful for the dark lightings in here as a blush run across your cheeks.
"i don't know how to dance at all," you confess again out of thin air, bringing a laughter from him.
"me too. this is my first time at a place like this. it's... interesting."
he looks around, and so do you, able to see through the open spaces and spot annoying ass mingi and yuna just off to the side and watching the two of you like hawks.
"if you--" you're cut short when someone elbows you from behind, losing your footing only to fall onto yeosang's chest exactly like a scene from some soap opera.
he balances you out by catching your hips, staring down at you and asking, "you okay?"
you nod, pushing yourself back up.
the night was interesting for sure, and if not for the fact you actually ended up having plenty of fun on the floor even though you could barely dance to save your life, you would never let mingi and yuna live this one off.
yeosang was better than you of course, but it was kind of amusing watching him and yourself try it for the first time.
the rest are drunk enough when it's time to head back, you and yeosang are the only ones still right in the mind.
you take the bills as promised but yeosang offers for the other half, and even in mingi's drunken state, you can clearly hear him passing a comment and telling the both of you to get a room.
halfway into october, things start looking more promising, and again, you feel a little better. not completely okay, just always better than the last time.
your periods of isolation or with yeosang at the cafe were quick to turn into group hangouts when mingi and yunho would join, and occasionally, yuna.
you grow closer with the other two and in a long time, finally allow yourself to make space for someone else besides just mingi and yunho.
by the end of the month, almost every last remnants of san is gone.
it first began during a conversation you were having with mingi, when he casually threw in the revelation that he's no longer friends with wooyoung.
you had felt so guilty at first, feeling like it was your fault. mingi and wooyoung had clicked immediately and were so compatible together. but because you were stupid and ignored all warnings, you ruined a perfectly good friendship.
but mingi had assure you that it was his choice. he no longer wanted to be friends with someone who still associated with san. people come and go, and wooyoung won't be the last, no matter how good of a friend he was.
there was no fight, really, he said. he confronted wooyoung and he just offered to move out. wooyoung must've felt bad about it, but there was no use in dwelling.
mingi has a new roommate now and though they didn't click as fast as he did with wooyoung, he will learn to get along with him.
and in your last attempt to rid all reminders of san, it ended with you quitting your job. the job you got because of him.
it was definitely a risky move considering your age and lack of experience, but you thought long and hard about it, finally pulling the trigger when yeosang told you he might be able to talk to his boss into opening up another position if you're interested.
but whether you get the job or not, you feel you made the right decision.
fortunately, when november comes around, yeosang breaks the news that you got the job. it would be a cleaning position considering the guy is rarely ever around and he needs someone to tidy up the shop when yeosang's too busy running it.
by mid november, mingi brings up the idea that you should join a book club, later supported by yunho and yeosang when you ask for their thoughts.
he said it's a great way for you to meet other like-minded people who mostly likely share a similar passion for writing. that you can learn a thing or two by exposing yourself to just more than your classes.
you were unsure initially because the semester is already coming to an end, but yeosang had convinced you there's still many more to come and was worth giving it a try.
you find the head of the club's email after lurking on the school website and she gives you all informations needed and tells you to be there this friday, the one weekday they usually meet.
said you can come and see for yourself first before she puts you on the official roster.
when friday arrives, you look for the room number she had given but didn't have to look far because it's obvious by the amount of people lining up outside.
you merely have just gotten in line, observing each and every of their faces to hopefully see someone you recognize but to no luck, turning to the sound of incoming footsteps instead, and much to your shock and irony, you see someone you haven't in forever.
popping in with his dark hair and wide smile, he recognizes you as well, waving in the air with a hint of surprise in his eye.
"hey!" he stops in front of you.
"hey hongjoong. wow... it's been so long," you can't help but to comment the obvious which he returns with a short chuckle.
"yeah it has. what are you doing here? haven't seen you around at all."
you give him a shy smile before replying, "i took on your advice and started writing a little... so my friends thought it would be good if i joined the club to expand my interest."
"really?" he looks genuinely taken aback, "that's great! creative writing as well?"
"yeah." you nod. "i thought you didn't go to our school."
"oh, i don't. but i just like hanging around, also because the campus is close to mine and the discussions here are quite compelling so i usually drop by."
"i see." you smile.
"you'll like it, don't worry."
there's so many things you wish to ask hongjoong, given the time he's been away and the heaps of events that has happened since. you did say so yourself that if you meet him again, you would want to hear his story.
“that’s a first. but thanks. if you told me a couple years ago that i’d end up choosing writing, i wouldn’t believe it either. it was never really something i was ever into or cared too much for growing up.” he pauses briefly.
“but there was a tough period in my life, and to deal with it, i kind of just started journaling and writing my thoughts down onto whatever paper or notebooks i could find, and it made me feel a little better afterward.”
hongjoong may not know it, but for someone who's hardly ever in your life, he has quite an indirect impact with just what he said at that party alone.
you feel in some way, hongjoong is your other half, though loosely: long, lost tortured souls who pours their miseries out onto papers and write their feelings away.
but just as you open your mouth to say something, the door swings open and the students start rushing inside. you figure you will ask him after.
you sit in the back and watch the entire time as the group of students ramble on about the book they all read for the week, hongjoong just slightly off at the side and listening to the discussion but will provide inputs from time to time.
after an hour, and after everyone agreed on a new book, you tell the head of the club to put you on the roster, figuring it's something you want to partake in, but you won't admit hongjoong's addition also played a role in the decision.
you thought you were gonna have to run and catch up, but thankfully, he was waiting at the door for you.
"what did you think?" he asks on the walk together.
"it was interesting for sure. fun to see everyone's take on it."
"oh, yeah." he snickers.
it's then that you debate whether you should ask, fearful of coming off intrusive but you also may never get the chance again.
"hey hongjoong..." you kick off, making him spin his head slightly to face you, one eyebrow quirking attentively.
"yes?"
"back at the party, you talked about going through a tough period. i was just wondering if you're comfortable enough to share what it was? no pressure though, just thought i'd take the chance."
he goes blank for a second and you're thinking you might've crossed the line, but your chest drop in relief once a warm smile coats his lips.
"i don't mind. if it will help."
because he also gets the feeling that in some ways, you're like him.
"it was freshman year of high school and i was stupid just as every other boys my age was, and had the bright idea of sneaking into our school's pool at night because it sounded fun and rebellious, and it made us felt cool."
you can tell where the story is heading, but hongjoong doesn't look fazed by it at all. he keeps going.
"it was me and two of my other friends at the time. none of us knew how to swim, and amidst all the fucking around, pushing and pulling, one of my friends fell into the ten feet pool. at first i thought he was messing with us, but it got obvious pretty quickly that all of us were idiots and he really was drowning."
"my other friend went after him. he wasn't a great swimmer but he was the most athletic out of us and i remember at the time, i felt so freaking scared and helpless, i didn't know what to do. what if he couldn't find him as well? what if something happen to the both of them?"
"i'm so sorry... did your friends make it out okay?"
he nods.
"yeah. but the first one was blue in the face when my other friend found him. we honestly weren't sure he was gonna make it. he's fine now. they're both fine. but i don't think i've ever felt that much fear in my life before. it fucked me up for years after... that's when i started journaling."
"oh..."
if you didn't know, you never would have guessed someone like hongjoong, always so kind and lively, went through something so horrible.
now, it's as if he's an entirely new person. nothing to show that he was the traumatized boy in the story at all. you wonder how he does it.
"how did you overcome the trauma? you seem... so much better now."
he dryly chuckles.
"well, it wasn't easy. i thought i could overcome it on my own as well, but when i was becoming merely a shell of the person i once was, not getting out of my room or interacting with anybody, my mother took matters into her own hand and took me to therapy."
"therapy?" you repeat, mostly talking under your breath but hongjoong hears it nonetheless.
"yes. it's now why i'm able to talk about the situation somewhat without breaking down or reliving it all over again. you may think that over time, it will pass and one day, you won't even think of it anymore. but you close your eyes and it comes back to haunt you, you can't get it out of your head, and then you realize... it will continue happening unless you get help. in therapy, i've not only developed coping skills, but i've also learned to heal from my past."
you don't say anything, but are listening so keenly, every of his words ingrained like you can recite them for yourself.
"the lady i saw, she was really good. i still keep in contact with her to this day. if you want, i can give you the address of their office."
he don't have to ask because he just knows, that you two really are long, lost tortured souls who pours their miseries out onto papers and write their feelings away.
and if he's correct, you will need just as much help as he did.
when you finally bring it up to mingi, he thinks it's the greatest idea ever. so great that he can't believe he didn't think of it himself, being a psychology major and all.
the only problem he had at first was that you heard it from hongjoong, a friend of wooyoung, and knowing all too well who that ties back to, you had to assure him that hongjoong is good.
but you have expressed doubts regarding seeking therapy, that it would be beneficial but would take up so much time and not to mention, money. but mingi is adamant about it, that no matter the time or money, it would be worth it for your mental health.
"no, bitch. you need therapy," he would say.
and after a couple more pushes from your other friends, you cave and make the first phone call to the office, a sweet lady answering on the other side as you give her your name and information and the reasons why you would like to schedule an appointment.
she tells you that within the next few days, the therapist will call you again for a more in-depth discussion before she can meet you in-person at the office for the first session.
and though initially doubtful and hesitant, the one-on-one conversation with the therapist over the phone makes you so hopeful that this is gonna work out because she sounded so sweet and understanding, just like how hongjoong described her.
mingi offers to come along for the first in-person appointment, reassuring you through the nervous, shaken hands and pounding heart, that when you walk out of that building today, you are gonna feel so much better.
you want for him to be right, that the efforts put in so far are gonna be worth it. and the minute you walk into the therapist's office, a middle aged lady with a welcoming smile that could warm the entire room, you for some reason just knew then, it's gonna work out.
you start off by telling her about your upbringing. mainly your parents, how your mom accidentally got pregnant at a young age and how she never failed to remind you of it, most of your adolescents were of you being passed around when one parent got too tired.
then you move onto your aunt and uncle, that you started living with them after your mom dropped you off one sudden day and ran away with another man, as told by your aunt. to this day, you have no idea what your father's up to, but you know he doesn't want you.
if he did, he would've came back for you so long ago.
and lastly, the romantic partners in your life; men, who most likely fucked up your view of love forever, or at least for a very long time, which is why you're here in hope to reverse that.
learn to love again, and that just because some pretty boy with dimples and broad shoulders lied to you one too many times and broke your heart, it's not the end of the world.
you are gonna be okay without him, no matter how good he used to make you feel or how strong the butterflies were when he was around.
you are gonna learn to be okay.
dr. hwang, as she tells you to call her by, said she took notes of everything you have told her so far and has a plan for what would be the best type of treatment for you but you'll have to come back for another session just to make sure.
by end of the appointment, taking the elevator back to the first floor, mingi pries away from the magazine he was reading and runs to you immediately.
"how was it?"
you smile at him, something hopeful and optimistic in your eyes.
"good. i think it's going to work."
# last entry
it's been a while since i've written in this thing, and honestly, i was losing my motivation to return because a lot have happened since... and this notebook really does hold so many memories of him. but this was where it all started so it's only fair i give it a proper goodbye. but i've officially made up my mind and will no longer be writing in this notebook anymore. i still have a passion for writing and i realize it is something i want to commit to, but i just won't be doing it here. my life's gone through a few changes and i just wish to leave a some things behind, this being one of them. but one day when i become a much better writer (hopefully), i can come back and laugh at this silly little journal. i have no idea what the next few years have in store or if therapy's going to fix me entirely, but i hope to become someone my current present self can look up to
sincerely, y/n
a/n: actually quite enjoyed writing this chapter lol. but next chapter is the last one, can y'all believe? i fr cannot wait to end it. and for whoever else is following my new ongoing series, i know i rambled abt attempting to write the two simultaneously but this fic is so close to being done, i'm gonna finish this one first and then properly start on that one. im so sorry sdksdjdaskd
ugh the newest hongjoong fic is just insane i keep rereading it every other day
the way you portrayed hongjoong is sooo perfect and i love the dialogue ❤️❤️❤️❤️
when do you think you’ll be back? and if so what kind if fic do you have in mind?
omg thank you so much!!! honestly i don’t quite know when exactly, but i do have a lot of wips that i’m slowly but surely working on so when those are finally finished (which is taking ages with how busy i currently am with life and all, i’ve just recently gotten a intership🤓🤓) i’ll post them one by one🤍🤍🤍
a/n: went off the radar 4 a while only to pull 5k out of my ass. pls give me all the constructive criticisms <3
you were glad to have lost him in the crowd, hiding behind the shoulders of people until your ride showed up and took you back to the dorm--though that was probably a mistake on your part.
because when there's a knock at the door, you know it's him.
you also know you shouldn't open it; shouldn't allow him back in because there's no reason to hear him out.
but a part of you, so hurt by what he did--the scene still playing in your head and the image of it just as painful as the first time, it feels like there's a brick sitting on your chest whilst trying to catch your breath--that you just need some kind of consolation, even if it comes in the form of predictable lies and a bigger inevitable heartbreak.
want him to tell you that it was a mistake, that she was the one who threw herself onto him; that he never meant to hurt you... even if it wasn't a mistake and though he didn't mean to hurt you, he wasn't thinking of you.
"what?" you try to sound angry, maybe even a little bored to hide the fact you cried the entire ride here.
he stands tall outside your room but look the smallest you've ever seen him, dark hair falling over his eyes and speaking in a shameful voice, "can i talk to you?"
you sulk at that, a click of your tongue and turning around to go sit at the edge of your bed with arms crossed, as if there could an explanation for why he was all over someone else when you weren't there.
his hands gripping her hips and face in her neck the way only he's allowed to do to you.
"i promise that her and me are just friends," he says, shutting the door behind him and settling down beside you, but you're so upset and hurt, his leg just slightly brushing yours sparking a reaction like never before, you have to scoot over and put on some kind of distance.
“we’re…” he drags his words before finishing it off, “friends.” a smile settling on him after that makes you feel so sick–whether it’s from how attractive he still looks or how the answer brings out so many other questions.
“friends?” you reiterate like you’re in denial.
“yeah, friends.”
“do friends sleep with each other?” kiss each other, visit one another and spew such sweet, blush-inducing words that conjures up butterflies?
“some friends do.”
when you finally spare him a glance, you have to keep from giving in just at the guilt all over his face and that he actually came after you. but you're fast to renounce immediately when you see that dark, stained mark on his neck again staring back like someone hitting the replay button on your misery once more.
then all that comes out are just cold and bitter words said in the most unamused tone, san even thinks you sound sarcastic.
"she's a friend, i'm a friend, what's the difference?"
the harshness stuns him, though, what else did he expect? because even someone sweet and forgiving like you has a breaking point when pushed too far.
"you're not just a friend, y/n. you're--"
"i'm what?"
you await his answer, possibly a lie that will make you feel better and more special compared to every other girls he messes with. but the disappointment when he remains silence is strong, it consumes you completely.
"well, i'm sorry i ruined the night for you. i finished most of my assignments and just thought maybe we could hang out, but looks like you already got company. so truly, i'm sorry."
"don't say that."
"why not? it's true though. you were occupied when i got there."
"stop staying that!"
the volume picks you up from the seat, his delivery could've fooled anyone that it was just a blind accusation. but you realize; take in, that san doesn't like his own fuck-ups being thrown in his face. no one really does.
"look, i'm sorry. really sorry," he tries again, voice softer, attempting to calm you; calm himself.
but after everything, after building up your trust and filling your fragile heart with so much hope, all he can offer is a sorry. no lies or consolations because none of it was a mistake.
you suddenly feel like it's getting much harder to breathe, the brick on your chest multiplying by a million and cutting the airway.
"y/n?" san calls, his once shameful face turning concerned. "are you okay?"
but you certainly don't feel okay, and you honestly haven't for a long time. if ever. and every episode in the same fashion is a reminder of that.
"it's fine," you manage to let out, a bittersweet smile on and a response that san can't read into. "you didn't do anything wrong."
this isn't a relationship--a proper one at least, and he isn't your boyfriend. the hardest pill to swallow is he didn't have to come after you, didn't have to apologize... because a truth even harder to digest, is that he doesn't owe you anything.
but you can still hurt from it; allow the pain to settle in as if everything he's done with you is only exclusive to you and him. only you can kiss him, mark him, and his hands should only be on your hips. not anyone else.
and you do. you hurt from it so much, tears streaming down your cheeks so quietly but the sight such a sore to watch, san's not sure what to say to make it better.
can he even make it better?
there's nothing to clarify and nothing to add. you very clearly saw everything for what it was: he replaced you, just like that. and the sickest thing is that he did it so mindlessly like it's a habit. because that's what he does.
he didn't think you'd take it this hard, or maybe he was just hoping he wouldn't get caught because breaking you is easy... he's done it before, but he's afraid this is the worst, yet.
"y-you should go," you say suddenly, picking your head up to san's wide eyes staring back at your puffy red ones before you swipe your runny nose.
"i..." he fidgets, "i can't go right now. not with you like this."
he can almost laugh at the absurdity, the irony of it all when he's the reason you're in this state right now. he understands the absolute ridiculousness but he really can't go; leave you like this.
a shake of your head is what you give, along with a tight-lipped smile although the tears are starting to sting and it's still not any easier to breathe.
"go. i'll be fine."
"no."
you wish for once to understand san, what goes on inside his head and how he makes his choices, because no matter how much you find out about him, it seems you never really truly know who he is.
he will say one thing and then does another; do this then tell you that. hurt you then feel bad about it, like he never really means anything.
san confuses you.
and you also wish you're not so weak-hearted to let him stay by your side once more as if he's not capable of hurting you again.
the week has been tense, something unpleasant always in attendance when you're with san, even if he's trying his best to brush it off; ignore it, put a smile on his face and act as if it doesn't bother him, too.
as if the week before, he didn't nearly send you into a panic attack and the sight continuously ingrained in his head, it might've scarred him just a bit.
but you're honestly still not used to it--san actually staying around and constantly checking up on you to make sure everything's okay after what happened.
it's odd he actually gives a shit, but even odder you're starting to recognize the pattern of lovebombing every time he fucks up and you can't even find the willpower to be genuinely upset. maybe just a little tired at this point, but still going along to see where it will take you, a gut feeling that the end is near.
"what are you working on?" san's voice makes you jump, turning the laptop the other way immediately in a panic. moments ago, he was still occupied in his own world, you were so sure he wouldn't be interested in your exciting school works.
"just fixing up my draft for a class," you tell him, having to move the laptop even further when he tries stealing a glimpse again, a loose giggle escaping from his lips at the expression on you.
"what's wrong? don't want me to see it?" he raises a brow teasingly.
"it's just a silly little story," you dismiss, "full of mistakes and a lot of corrections that needs to be made."
"i'm sure it's not that bad. but anything from you, i'll read."
a charming smile rests on him and with words like a spell, you have to keep it together; remind yourself that this is the man who had hurt you and no matter how sweet or convincing he is, there's a chance he's gonna do it again, every seconds spent with him constantly in alert ever since, that if you can hardly say no, you can at least keep from showing any amount of joy or satisfaction around him.
"maybe next time."
he just nods lightly and backs up.
"whenever you're confident enough."
it's all so eerie, you might as well preferred when he treated you like shit instead. it's just unlike san to be so lenient, the offer to hang out having came from him when you had made clear he didn't have to because you would be leaving for work soon anyways.
but he was eager about staying regardless of how short the visit would be, it's hard to be touched when you're not at all convinced it's out of sincerity.
"i have to get ready for work." you close the laptop and search the room for materials you have prepared.
san twitches in his seat and swallows down before speaking.
"i'll come pick you up?"
freezing in your spot at that, you turn to him and shake your head.
"no, it's fine. i'll take a cab home like i always do."
the jab is subtle but san doesn't miss it, a look of shame and guilt on him, but he's fooled you one too many times, you can hardly believe anything anymore.
"please, y/n," he pleads, desperation overriding his features as he stands up and hovers over you, "i don't mind. as long as you let me."
as long as you let me. as if all this time, you weren't waiting for him to do his part; the only thing finally pushing him to act upon it now is when he has to.
"if you want," you give in, and he can tell it's only because you're in a hurry, the cold shoulder unlike anything he's ever experienced before. he can't say he doesn't deserve it, but it's definitely out of place coming from you.
it's also out of place he's even trying to make up; console you, everything of which he usually doesn't do, but he feels he owes you that at the very least... or maybe he's just not ready to let it go, yet.
the comfort, your presence, and the things you do for him. he don't want to let go of how easy everything is with you, he wish for it to last just a little longer despite knowing how it will end, but he is so, so selfish.
"i'll be there."
"wooyoung's party is tonight," you initiate during the third time he's picked you up after a work shift.
"so?" he shrugs.
"you're not going?"
"no."
"oh..." you sigh, slouching in the seat and looking out the window of his car. "if you want to, you can. you're not obligated to--"
"--can we please not talk about that?"
about the very thing that lead you two into the current predicament, no longer in each other arms and staring into the other's eyes lovingly, but with a gaze always so tense and uncomfortable that he's too responsible for.
"san, you don't have to do this. we're not even dating, and i... i don't really care about it anymore," your voice tapers out at the end, so utterly weak, you can't even carry a lie to the last breath because you definitely do still care, and it definitely still hurts like it's the first time.
but to be treated like a responsibility; an obligation he's bind to and have to act upon--it just doesn't sit right. you've already spent way too long being nothing but a burden.
"even if you don't care about it anymore, i feel bad, okay? that was awful of me to do, and i really want to make it up to you. i hurt you, i know i did."
it would be easy to go along with it, the fact he's even trying at all when the relationship is nameless; lacking of label--you should even be grateful to an extent. but the weight is harder to shake off, and every second with the conflict brewing makes you feel as if doom is coming and you're about to burst.
you don't say anything, only merely glancing out the window again to find some form of peace because even the subject is starting to wear you out at this point.
"i won't be attending any more of those parties," he speaks up after you're quiet for too long; the statement making your head snap to him.
"huh? you know you don't--"
"--i know i don't have to, but i wan't to, so please don't try to convince me otherwise."
and maybe the you before he went and fucked up the very last bit of faith you had left in him, would've been moved. but as of currently, you're all too aware of his intentions.
pushed to the edge and the trust in him nearly gone, he understands it will never be the same again. he just wishes even if for the last time, to be in your good grace, because though he doesn't want to let go yet, he don't know for how much longer he'll be able to stay.
the clock is ticking and the distance between you and him is growing more and more.
it would be a lot less painful if he stops everything here; save you the heartbreak and tears that are going to come, but again, he really is such an opportunist, always taking and never giving.
it's poor and tasteless to say that's just how he is, but it's the truth... so he throws himself down; stripped of dignity and pride, and all just for you... for the first and possibly, last time.
"goodnight," he whispers, voice soft and trying to light up the mood before the end of the night, because your eyes are nothing but dead.
"goodnight." it sounds almost like an inaudible and uninterested mumble, the life on you completely different from his.
the both of you just stare at each other, as if waiting for the other person to finally say the last call and end what would usually be a kiss and maybe bodies tangled together in a heated session, but now more like two acquaintances trying to make the best out of the situation.
"are you free tomorrow?" he asks, trying his very best.
and you suppose you've had far too many chances to make things right; lessen the pain and end what is already dead, but the undeniable truth is no matter how much you preach... you're also afraid to let go, if not, more than him.
"yeah."
~
"is that another story you're working on?" his voice rings in your ear, making your nervous eyes twitch to him.
"san!" you nag, and he only giggles in return, backing away from the screen before you're able to push him yourself.
"what? i just want to see." he shrugs.
"well, keep your eyes away." you nearly roll your own, huffing before switching to another tab.
"is it that bad?" the teasing tone is evident, prompting another glare from you.
"it's not a story. just something for my class."
"hmm," san hums, nodding, "when you said you were free, i didn't expect to be sitting on the side while you finish up class assignments."
"well, when i said free, i meant i'm not going anywhere."
"right." he nods sarcastically, "we should do something."
"like?"
"like going out, or if not, we can watch a movie of your choice, if you want something explicit like last time, i'm fine with that too." he smirks, and you have to hold back from overreacting.
"whatever," you dismiss quietly, handing the laptop over to him.
"you pick. i don't really have anything in mind right now."
but it's a mistake, because instead, san clicks on the document you were working on; the surge of panic making you pry the device from him harshly but he's a fighter, tugging even harder.
"san, if you don--"
with another jerk, you're pressed up against his chest and staring into those coy eyes you're all too familiar with, conjuring up butterflies that's been so long, you almost forgot how he made you feel, with his handsomeness and smile that's too easy to fall into.
he smirks before stealing a kiss to your cheek, releasing the laptop as you fall back gently while the blush crawls out.
"sorry," he says cheekily, but you know he doesn't really mean it.
you attempt to fight the smile at the tip of your lips, biting down to conceal as much as possible, san thinks it's extremely endearing.
it's also been way too long since he's kissed you, and seeing the first genuine reaction in such a long while, nothing reminiscent of hatred or bitterness does make him feel a certain way.
~
it's only supposed to be dinner at san's place (at first). he invites you and says he wants to do something for the weekend, and it's not like you're going to decline when he's doing everything--as well as picking you up.
it's always casual at first; conversation, gestures, and everything.
you're starting to lose the edges a bit ever since that day, san witnessing more smiles than frowns and you don't look like you completely hate him, so he thinks, maybe things can be good again.
his apartment always feel homey, though you don't always feel welcomed every time... it is very nicely decorated.
roaming the interior and everywhere you guys have been before, you have to keep from really thinking too much; close out the thoughts of who else he brings here and where exactly he kissed them.
rather than forgiving san, you just kind of became... numb to it all.
the reminder isn't as frequent, but every time you do remember, the hit is still sharp and you'd have to catch your breath, but you've just gotten better at acting like it doesn't bother you anymore.
when the aroma from the kitchen finally settles in, it knocks any other thoughts out of your head and becomes the primary focus as you start sniffing the air.
"let me set everything up," san speaks from behind, walking past you to get to the kitchen.
and it starts like that. a nice dinner at his much smaller kitchen island filled with soft laughters and a genuine interest for each other, it's everything you envisioned if things were right.
when he offers some soju, you don't drink too much as the taste of alcohol in general still something you're not used to, but you drink enough to get tipsy.
enough to loosen up and not feel completely like yourself, but also not enough to still know that when san crashes his lips against yours, it's all kinds of wrong that only feels right in the moment.
the one that you will come to regret once you're sober enough and really think. but maybe your life is as messed up as it is because you never really do, always drawn to temptation over logic.
san is going to be your biggest downfall and he won't be the only one at fault.
you kiss him back and throw both arms around his neck, the slight flavor of the drink he had still lingering and you don't miss the scent that comes along with it as he manages to pick you up and throw down your body onto the couch.
you miss the way he feels on your skin, and he misses your skin on his lips, which is why the first kiss delivered to your neck is the only gentle one before he loses himself.
what comes after that is cliche and obvious.
it doesn't feel right but it does feel good. both of you panting and trying to catch your breaths as he snap his hips into yours and gets a curse out of you.
"oh fuck..." you bite down your lower lip and your nails only digs deeper into the skin of his back at the sensation.
so you sleep with him that night, the shame only hitting when the morning sun rises and you awake to his bare chest pressed against your back and his arm wrapped around your waist.
he's still sleeping and he's absolutely beautiful as always.
you wonder, aside from breaking a foolish girl's heart over and over again, what kind of things has san managed to get away with just because he's as mesmerizing as he is.
it would be easy for someone like him.
but shame can only do so much and last for so long before you submit to temptation again and sleeps with him a few more times after as well, just because he's good at pretending you mean something to him, and you're all too good at self destruction and fooling yourself that when he stayed all those nights with you until morning, it's because of something else and not what you already know.
the park is quiet; empty, not a single soul in sight other than you and the boy who came along as the small talks take you both in under the moonlight.
"have you always liked writing?" he asks, and you can't help the scoff that leaves, because when did choi san become so invested in mindless hobbies and things you do to pass time. or in this case, something you still haven't quite grasped that still feels much like a chore because it is tied to a class in the first place.
"no." you shake your head, walking along the narrow path as the summer breeze rustles the branches of the trees.
"i only recall slightly that you like computers."
"kind of. yeah," you confirm short and simple, not about to have that conversation again about why it wasn't meant to be.
san is selfish, in the most vain and obvious fashion that doesn't take a genuis to figure out. you believe he knows so himself and holds very little shame from the fact.
eventually, his mask will unveil and it's not like he ever tried hard enough to hide it because you're also selfish in your own ways.
you may not be calculating like san is, but to have keep him around this long and to say it's not because of your own stupid desires and wants would be a lie.
that you also don't use him to fill the hurt and emptiness in your life, chasing after him so hard because he's the closest to the kind of love you've always wanted.
because if you weren't, you would've let him go.
someone like san won't ever be able to love you, and even if he did, how long would it be until he realizes the commitment to one person is all too much and gets bored?
even now, you wonder if he enjoys the time with you at all. because who would rather hang with you than be out at an obnoxious party? but he can still offer temporary relief, and that's awful of you to say, but he was the first to be selfish and will continue to be until the last breath of the 'relationship' so why can't you also?
time seems like it's closing out and you're not sure how much longer the two of you can play pretend before the inevitible shows itself.
"what about you?" you perk to him, blinking your lashes charmingly. "you talked of dancing and performing before, so how come i've only heard about it once?"
a half scoff half laugh escapes from him and turning his attention to the path instead like you just asked a ridiculous question.
"well, i kind of already told you why, but i just don't got much passion for it nowaday."
“i’m not sure,” is all he says, a small sigh of disappointment escaping from you that goes unheard. “i wanted to major in dance and performance, but…”
“but?”
“but i can’t make a living or lifestyle out of it. so i didn’t.”
"i remember. but if you considered it, the passion must had been there once upon a time."
"oh yeah, definitely."
you hesitate for a second, but there's not a lot to lose at this point.
"i'd love to know, if you don't mind telling me."
it takes another couple of steps, but he does answer with very little objection much to your surprise.
"wooyoung got me into it, believe it or not."
"wooyoung was in on it, too?"
"yeah." san laughs. "i was an even worse dancer before i met him. but yeah, was in some sort of club or group for it in high school and we performed at some school events, but that's pretty much it. nothing really worth calling back to."
"no, that's great. it takes a lot of courage to go up there, cause i wouldn't have had the guts. i think i would pass out."
"oh, i know," he teases, and you shoot an unserious glare his way.
"and what about wooyoung? did he go into performance?"
san shakes his head.
"nah. undecided also, but i don't think he's stressing out too much about it. from his parents alone, he would be able to land a sweet job even if he got kicked out."
you nod, a snarky smile on your lips.
"yeah, true."
rich kids and their privileges.
after a few more strolls in silence around the area, san suggests taking a break from walking, both of you plopping onto the bench with tired breath puffing into the air.
it's your first time at this park, but it's not too big and has a nice amount of benches, but more so, the location is convenient because it's a good distance from the dorm which means less chance of your friends finding out.
"dance for me," you demand out of thin air, san turning to meet your gaze a few seconds before a laugh tumbles out, thinking you're most likely joking.
"i'm serious." you sit up and adjust your shirt slightly.
"it's been almost an entire year since i last danced to anything, i'm rusty now."
"so? i want to see. come on," you continue to urge, scooting even closer because then, he might give in.
"this is ridiculous. you're going to make fun of me."
you shake your head, desperate to prove the sincerity.
"i won't. i know you'll do great."
he lets out a defeated sigh before getting up with a "fine" and sees the biggest smile of the night on you.
"but you owe me something in return, too." he points finger and you wave it off.
"sure..." pulling your phone out, you look up to ask, "so what song?"
"uh... exo... overdose?" it's been a while to be fair, and san usually isn't one to hold things in memories, no matter the importance. short term or long term.
the song starts and he nods to the music, a few movements here and there trying to recall but he's struggling a bit, you can tell, unable to help the giggle that comes out because the sight is endearing.
"skip to the chorus."
and you do, eyes trained on him without detracting and watching as the recollection seems to creep up, his execution still a little jumbled and he doesn't look like he's 100% confident, but you know you've never seen anyone moved like that in your lifetime.
not that you know anything about dancing or whatever, but you've definitely never met a dancer, so to see someone work their body and move it so effortlessly, you're impressed for sure.
san doesn't even realize the chorus's over until you start clapping, the muscle memory just naturally leading him to the next beat.
it's been a while since he's moved like that and the sense of comfort that comes from it is weird, but welcoming in a way. it was quite fun, he thinks.
you're still clapping when he sits down again, the thin smile on you eventually turning into something more.
"you said you're rusty but you did so good! you even remembered it!"
"bleh," he dismisses, detaching from your gaze to stare out at the emptiness in front, "just muscle memory."
your next set of compliments blurs into muffled voices for him at the same time conflicts run round in his head, snapped back when you bring up, "want to stay over? yuna said she won't be back until morning."
it's the longest he ever takes to say a short and breathless, "yeah..." walking back with you to the dorms but feeling like a completely different person, it's frightening the way he just flip flops emotions, it raises the hair at the back of your neck from what you thought was a harmless and even entertaining situation.
but san seems to have taken it otherwise because the silence is anything but comforting, you fear this is it.
you unlock the door and settle your things first, your shoulder just barely angled his way when san annouces he's going to take a shower.
when you imagined the end, you think of a screaming match; at each other's throats and just absolutely the ugliest way possible. but this just might be worse... it's always worse when it comes unexpected.
but unexpected is such a loose term at this rate, because between you and san, there is so much hurt and so many unspoken wounds beyond repair from all the chasing.
you're so broken and san is not good for you, but for your own selfish desire, you wish he would stay, even if for one more night.
when you're near asleep from all the waiting, your heavy eyes failing to keep focus on the wall, the sound of the door creaking followed by footsteps until his chest is against your back gives you the biggest sign of relief, it's quite pathetic.
that he's going to stay and whatever came over him was just momentarily and you're all too good at overthinking.
you let sleep take over, hopeful that when you wake up, he will still be next to you.
~
san thinks that if you ever allowed yourself to think you're worse than him even once, you're absolutely out of your mind--which, you are, because he don't doubt you've thought of it.
you're quite skilled at leading the fault back to your own.
but if you're the one to pull the gun out, he would be the one to pull the trigger. and if you were to ever commit a crime, he would be the mastermind behind it.
if you're selfish, he will always be more selfish than you.
when he gets so much more than what he bargains for, coming to the realization over and over again that it's not good to recognize your touch and lose himself in your smile, he wants to run again. the way he always does.
it's how he handles unwanted emotions and practically anything not on his fucking list.
he will start something on impulse and trying to make up to you was definitely that, and it will end the same way.
he started this with you for all the wrong reasons and now, it's way past the due date.
~
you wake to very little light in the room, tossing lightly to gain your conscious, but heart suddenly dropping when you can sense the cool air of nothingness gliding against your back.
back that you thought would've been protected by a certain boy. but when you finally turn around, the worst pain yet hits you right in the face.
the space next to you is empty, and all there's left of san is a note taped to the side of the nightstand that you can only faintly see, but know every letter to.
'i'm sorry'
a/n: uhm... *nervous laughter* hi lol. this chapter took so long and i certainly had a little flop era, but the next chpt is a v important one and the one ive been wanting to write ever since the start of the series so i hope that will certainly motivate me 😭 but i want to ask u readers a genuine question if u do see this:
how r we feeling about a yeosang endgame?
not tryna give u yeosang girls hope but im neither confirming or denying atm bc i do have everything planned up to the last chapter but there's just that one bit that im still iffy about. but do give me ur thoughts!
im gonna b out of town for the next few days, but i will get to replying as soon as i'm back!
recommend to listen to “a little death” by the neighbourhood
word count: 2k
warnings: artist!hongjoong x fem!reader, protected sex, dry-humping, praising, oral (m.& f. receiving), hongjoong's a player
a/n: surprise hihi
minors dni
The worn-out leather jacket was quickly discarded in the corner of his room after the door closed, the obvious tension finally washed away as he crashed his lips on yours, pushing you against the door as you held his face in your hands, feeling the cold metal of his lip ring. You kissed him deeply, not getting enough of it as he pulled you with him towards the bed.
Kim Hongjoong, an artist, who you met through a mutual friend. He was a prominent player, never sticking to one girl and changing relationships as frequently as his hair colors. Which he liked to do a lot.
You tried to avoid him, trying to listen to your friends’ advice, but it was so hard when you felt him stare you down every time you entered the room, practically eye-fucking you as he made no effort to hide it.
He placed you on his lap as you pulled his freshly dyed silver-colored hair, him releasing a deep groan as his hips bucked up against your core, making it harder for you to restrain yourself. He was insatiable, the way his lips devoured yours while his hands played their tricks on you, roaming over your bare waist and painting them as his. That's what he does, everything he touches becomes his in one way or another.
You were so turned on it actually made you surprise yourself, and if he continued this you might come without him even touching you. That wasn’t his plan though, making him slowly start to guide your core against his, your mouth falling open at the contact. He placed his forehead against yours, breathing labored and insanely caught up in the moment you didn’t even realize where you were anymore. But you didn’t mind, as long as it was Hongjoong touching you. His fox eyes stared into yours, before smirking as slowing your hips down, placing his already swollen lips on the base of your throat, before his tongue made its way to your mouth, taking your jaw in his hand and attaching his mouth to yours.
You swore to yourself to never fall for him, to never let yourself be consumed by him, but here you were, not wanting anything more than to take him, right here, right now, even if it was in the room next to the others.
‘’We can’t’’ You whispered, slowly coming back to your senses as you heard the door open in the room next to you. Your dress had already ridden up so much that if someone opened the door right now, both of your messy hair and pink-toned cheeks would’ve given away what must’ve happened before, even if you were quick enough to get off him.
‘’They’ll be gone soon, I heard them talking about going for drinks’’ He replied, his hand leaving your skin briefly when he noticed you weren’t comfortable with the thought of them being able to enter. ‘’You good?’’ He asked, even though he could already feel how wet you were through his pants, indicating just how good you were, just for him.
Then seconds later, you heard the front row close, followed by complete silence. You looked at Hongjoong, who gave you a knowing smile before you grabbed the chains hanging from his neck and pulled him close again, your lips on his, the only thing your brain could think about when you felt his warmth again.
‘’You’re so hot’’ He muttered against your lips, his hands moving down the back of your dress before settling on your ass as he pressed you closer against his crotch, making your eyes roll back as you started rolling your hips again, only to be met with Hongjoong muttering curse words with his rasped voice and deep breaths.
You sat back a little, enough to take off his shirt, revealing his torso with the necklaces decorating his bare chest. You started kissing down his neck, making sure to leave some marks just underneath where his shirt will be, before moving down his abs as you slowly opened his belt. You looked up at him, seeing him look at you with hooded eyes and lust on his face, his hand around the back of your neck.
‘’You’re so beautiful’’ He said, and the word choice did it for you.
You were going to give this man the best head he’ll ever have.
You freed him from his ripped jeans and boxers, before taking a minute to take in the sight. Pre-cum was already leaking down his length, indicating he was just as turned on as you.
Your tongue lapped it up, before settling on the tip as he let out a groan at the contact, the hand on your neck quickly wrapping in your hair as he guided you down his length. A loud moan left his lips because of the feeling of your warm mouth around him, and it only spurred you on more. You bobbed your head up and down, using your hand to jerk off the rest, before twirling your tongue around the tip. He was chanting your name over and over, whimpers leaving his mouth.
‘’If you keep going I’m going to come’’ He groaned, before his other hand went to the pillow next to him, holding on for dear life as the feeling felt too good.
You sucked a bit harder, before taking him more, the head of his cock hitting the back of your throat, making him release another moan.
He pulled you off him before he lost control, leaning down and pulling your chin towards him as his tongue entered your mouth in a longing kiss.
He pulled you up a few seconds later, pushing you down on the bed. He unzipped the back of your dress before pulling it down, revealing your bare chest as he placed his lips down the valley of your breasts, slowly placing open-mouth kisses down your stomach as you sighed at the contact.
The further he got, the more he pulled your dress down, before ripping the dress open so he could easily take it off you.
‘’Joong!’’ You whisper-yelled, making him shut you up with another kiss.
‘’I’ll make you a new one’’ He smiled, his hand wrapping around your waist as he pushed you against him fully.
’’Please fuck me, Joong’’ You almost whined as you felt his tip against your clit, before he leaned back, taking off his trousers and boxers. He opened the drawer of his bedside table, taking out a condom before climbing on top of you after taking off your panties.
You felt his hand go between your legs, ‘’I didn’t have my fun yet’’ He said, before kneeling on the floor as he pulled your legs over his shoulders and latched his lips on your inner thigh.
He teased you a bit, but nothing could’ve prepared you for the feeling of his tongue against your folds, as you threw your head back at the pleasuring feeling. He was really skilled at this, and the excitement only added to it. He lapped up your juices, before entering one finger as you moaned his name, before a string of curses left your lips as he entered one more, rubbing your g-spot as he stimulated your clit with his tongue.
Just as you were about to come, he stopped, making you whimper at the lack of contact. Soon replaced by a kiss on your lips, tasting yourself on his tongue. He pulled back before grabbing the condom holding eye contact with you as he ripped open the package with his teeth, making butterflies erupt in your stomach because he was so hot.
He rolled the condom around his length, before lining up with your entrance, as his lips were kissing your earlobe. You felt him push in slowly, making your nails dig into his back at the delicious stretch. You let out a moan at the contact, feeling the drag of his cock inside you.
‘’You’re so tight’’ He grunted, as you moved his face to place his lips against yours, never getting tired of that feeling. You moaned into his mouth, making him smile in the kiss as he bottomed out in you, stilling to let you adjust for a second.
‘’Ready?’’ He asked after some time of both of you just breathing, lost in the moment.
‘’Yes’’ You nodded, biting your lip a the feeling of him pulling out, before pushing in just as quickly, making you throw your head back.
He was marking you up, his teeth nibbling at your neck, claiming you as his. His artwork, his project. And how you loved to be his wasn’t describable. You needed him close, wanted him to use you as he wanted to. Your painted black nails were digging into his back, leaving a red trail on it.
‘’Faster’’ You said, one hand wrapping in his dyed hair.
His pace fastened, holding your hips still as he drove himself into you deeper, making you feel all of him. You were sure that if anyone was home, they would hear exactly what was going on with the way both of you were moaning in pleasure.
He lifted one of your legs around his waist, pushing into you deeper as he got off to the pain of your nails digging into his back, and the pretty faces you were making when he was ruining you.
Ruining you because he was making you his, only for him to touch.
‘’You’re mine now’’ He said, pulling out before grabbing your waist to make you sit on his cock, and even though you’re legs were already worn out, sinking down on him and the different feeling of it made it all worth it as he pounded into you from underneath, settling on a steady pace as he locked his lips with yours
‘’You're- fuck- you’re so good for me’’ He said, holding your waist with his arm to keep you steady as he thrusts into you relentlessly, your head falling on his shoulder as you felt like you couldn’t take any more.
As if he could read your mind, he proved you differently by placing two fingers on your clit and rubbing you closer to your orgasm, making you lose your mind as you felt the high approaching too quickly.
‘’Hongjoong, too much I- mhmm’’ You moaned, feeling your high wash over you as you clenched around him intensely making him throw his head back as he pushed deeper inside you. And you’ve never come this hard, making him want to feel every part of you as he came too, releasing the warmth in the condom as he fell back on the bed, taking you with him.
His hands rubbed your hips in a comforting manner, as he whispered praises in your ear about how you were his good girl, only his.
He then pulled out of you, making you whine.
‘’Don’t worry darling, we got the whole night’’ He then said, attaching his lips to yours and starting the fun once again.
i guess this is not the best news to come back to, but i’ve decided to stop writing cruel summer because i simply didn’t enjoy the storyline at all and the last 3 parts felt more like i HAD to write instead of really writing what i wanted to. I will keep the story in my drafts, and maybe one day i will rewrite it all the way i like, but i won’t make any promises. i would like to apologize to the people that supported the story.
You pull up to Outlaw Customs, the repair shop that’s become something of a second home for your car, two minutes before closing. If it were anywhere else — and anyone else running the place — you would never dream of being such a terrible customer, but since you know both men inside well enough to have a working relationship outside of this little business they run, you aren’t worried about causing any issues. And, well, if you do, Yunho will surely let you know in his own snarky way.
The garage door is still wide open, with Yunho on full display at the mouth of it as he works on the vehicle that’s always parked front and center. As you cross the threshold into the garage, your eyes catch on a sign propped up outside that you hadn’t seen the last time you were here. Two for the price of one on any repairs! A scoff slips out of you as you eye it, and that noise is what pulls Yunho’s focus from his work to you.
“You didn’t tell me you were running a deal,” you whine, drawing a laugh from the man before you.
“We still gotta make money somehow, sugar!” He nods his head towards the other side of the car, where another familiar face sits on the run-down couch you gave to them when they first opened up shop down the street from your apartment complex. It was something of a trade and an icebreaker: you needed a cracked headlight patched up, and they needed some furniture to fill out the garage and make it more homey for any customers who would come and go. Jongho gets up when you come over though, simply to move from the couch to the desk chair right beside it, and you take the spot where he was just sat.
Cool night air brushes across your cheeks as you set foot on the roof, eyes already scanning your surroundings in the hopes of finding what you’re looking for here. Of course, it doesn’t take much — Hongjoong is a hard man to miss unless the government officials are looking for him, in which case he has an uncanny ability to make himself totally invisible in a crowd.
There are no crowds up here though; just you, him, and the night to keep you company.
You see him clearly across the stretch of roof that’s accentuated by gaudy neon signs and other electrical components that keep the bar below powered.
“Closed up shop for the night,” you offer as a means of greeting the man. He’s donned his usual dramatic regalia tonight as well, complete with the patterned bandana pulled up over his nose and the ridiculous cowboy hat he fetched out of a dumpster several months back. It matches the vibe of the bar, he had told you and Mingi. While you weren’t on board, Mingi was more than a little eager to pull together a similar outfit for himself. “Everyone else went home.”
Tags/Warnings: phew boy…18+ ONLY! MDNI! AT ALL! SMUT. There’s definitely plot there, biker!yeosang, no pronouns really used for reader but there are feminine pet names, very light alcohol drinking, heavy making out, fluff, I barely reread and edited this sorry
Smut Tags: exhibitionism (sex on a motorcycle), oral sex (reader receiving), p in v sex, reader has a coochie, pet names towards reader (pretty girl, good girl, baby, doll), fingering, begging, grinding, scratching, PROTECTED SEX, Yeo’s got a big dick, Yeo keeps his condoms in his wallet (don't do that lmao), love at first fuck(???)
Word Count: 5.6k
Playlist:
“Fly - FKJ Remix” by June Marieezy
“Body Language” by Doja Cat
“Harley’s in Hawaii” by Katy Perry
“Pink + White” by Frank Ocean
Being able to vacation days off from work was difficult, especially in your profession. So when it was offered to you by your supervisor, you agreed without hesitation. As soon as you got home, you messaged your best friend. You had both talked about having a little vacation and going to an island, away from the hustle and bustle of your usual lives, and taking in all the more tropical views that you never got to experience living in a city. That same night you had your bags packed and plane tickets booked for the next morning.
The Airbnb your friend had chosen was stunning. The backdoor opened up directly to the sight of the ocean and the trees surrounding the view. The window in your room offered a similar view. As soon as you opened it, a breeze filled the space, bringing in the salty smell of the ocean with it. It made your shoulders relax a bit, eyes closed as the heat of the sun refreshingly warmed your face. For once you weren’t thinking of all the work that sat waiting for you, or anything that was on your to-do list. You were instead listening to the birds chirping, the waves crashing against the rocks nearby, the leaves on the trees brushing against each other with every waft of wind.
After a few minutes of standing there and swaying gently back and forth with the wind, your friend finally knocked on your door.
“Hello hello,” they peeked their head around to make sure you weren’t occupied. You smiled and waved them in, going to sit on the bed.
“What’s up?”
“Well…there’s this bar nearby that I believe is calling out our names. Wait–” they gasped before grabbing your arm. “Can you hear that? It was just there!” You rolled your eyes at their ever-dramatic antics.
“So you wanna go drinking when it’s,” you shifted to look at the clock on your phone. “It just turned 3:10.” They nodded back excitedly, grin wide on their face.
“And we can get shitfaced and go walking on the beach that’s right outside our doorstep during the sunset!”
…It all did sound very tempting. You mulled it over as your friend sat next to you, bouncing up and down in anticipation. You finally nodded, coming to the conclusion that you were on your own time, not needing to hold back from enjoying yourself. They flung their arms around your neck before getting up and running to go change.
—
For it being a Friday, the building was surprisingly barely busy. There were a few people here and there, drinking and either talking to someone or watching whatever the bar had on TV. You and your friend grab a corner booth. After writing down your order, your friend went to the bar to get your drinks from the bartender. It was then that you heard motorcycle rumbles from outside the building, and through the very tiny window, you could see two bikes parking in one spot. Both people on the bikes got off, and one immediately took his helmet off. He was a bit taller than the other one and had short black hair and a sharp nose. The second motorcyclist had been in the middle of unclipping his helmet when your friend suddenly appeared at your side.
“Here you go! I got a double shot for mine but yours is just the regular amount. I didn’t know how hard you were going tonight.” They said with a smile. Your attention was brought back to the drink they had set in front of you on the small napkin. It was a deep red color and while it had a strong smell, it wasn’t unpleasant.
“Thank you so so much, I owe you one.” You smile at them as you use the tiny black straw to taste the drink, dubbed “The Icey Crab” on the menu. Corny, but the drink is damn good.
At that moment, the two motorcyclists you saw before swung the door to the bar open. The taller one walked in first, leather pants and boots appearing before the rest of him. He stepped in and to the side, as the other biker came in. The other one, the one you didn’t get a chance to see take his helmet off, was…gorgeous, to say the least. His face looked as if it had been carved from marble. There was a slight dark mark on the side of his face and it accentuated his beautiful eyes. His long dark hair framed his face perfectly. Not to mention his arms. His muscle tank allowed his muscular triceps to be on display. And you were certainly taking it in.
“Hey.” Your friend snapped their fingers in front of your face, bringing you back to what they had been saying. Their eyes followed yours over to where the two men had come in and were setting themselves up at the bar.
“Ahh, I see how it is then. Which one were you eyeing?” They smirked and nudged you repeatedly, making you lightly hit their arm and roll your eyes. “I’m going to guess it’s the long-haired one? Definitely your type.”
“Please, I don’t have a type.” Their eyebrows shot up at you over the glass held to their lips.
“Don’t just lie like that, I’ve known you for way too long.” They giggled, eyes going back over to the two men. One of them, the taller one, seemed to look right over at your table at that exact moment, catching your friend’s eye. They grinned and raised their glass in greeting the new man. He returned it back, smirking as he said something to his long-haired friend who was simply sipping on his drink and seemed startled when the tall one spoke. He too followed his friend's view over to your booth, and his eyes landed on you.
“Well, I think I’ve snagged his friend, if you want alone time with him, yeah?” They said as they looked back at you, excitement glimmering in their eyes as they downed the rest of their drink.
“And what happened to us headed to have a little drunk walk on the beach?” You crossed your arms over your chest, a smile on your lips as your voice stayed playful.
“Well, we can do that any other night, right? We have some vacation days, let’s really use them.” They wiggled their eyebrows at you, making you let out a laugh. You see a figure approach the table from the corner of your eye, something you could only assume belonged to the tall man at the bar. You brought your drink up to your lips to hide your smile, as your friend stared at you in amusement.
“Hi,” the tall man’s deep voice seized your friend’s eyes from you. “I couldn’t help but notice your drink was empty.” Your friend looked down at the glass in fake surprise, as if they hadn’t realized what they were doing. Even though they knew exactly what they were doing. It was a tactic they used quite frequently, emptying their glass and waiting for whoever they had been eye-fucking to buy them a new drink.
“I didn’t even notice, how astute.” They smiled at him and raised their glass up in front of his face.
“Maybe we can change that?” His eyebrow quirked as he lightly grabbed the glass.
“Sounds like a deal…?”
“Park Seonghwa,” He introduced himself and looked over at you for the first time, giving you a smile. Almost as a sign of good intentions, ensuring you he didn’t plan on doing anything of ill will towards them. You nodded and looked at your friend, who stared at you. You both had each other’s location tracker on and you knew they had protective measures.
“Alright, Mr. Park, let’s see if you can guess my favorite drink.”
The two of them walked away, and you watched with a smile, feeling glad that your friend could find something to distract them. You knew how busy they had been with their job and family. It was rare for them to go out anymore. If anyone needed time to be a little irresponsible, it was definitely them.
“So, your friend fell for the ‘Your glass is empty’ line?”
A deep voice startled you out of your thoughts, and you looked at the man standing next to your booth’s table. It was the other biker, the one who had come with Seonghwa. His attention on you made your face burn, and it took you a few seconds to realize what he had said.
“Well, your friend fell for the ‘Oh, my glass is empty?’ bit. Maybe they were made for each other.” You smiled at the long-haired man as he laughed, looking down at the table for a second. His smile was very pretty, especially with how his eyes curved when his cheeks pushed up. His black hair fell into his face, and some impulse within you wished to reach out and push them back.
“Maybe they were.” He looked over his shoulder to the two of them at the bar, laughing about something. You could see a vein popping out in his neck, running all the way down to his broad chest. He was definitely your type, your friend was right. Especially with the way his hands looked as they rested on the table. Fuck it, if they’re gonna have fun tonight, I am too.
“I’m Y/N.” His eyes came back to you as you stuck your hand out in greeting. He took it, a jolt going through you at the feeling of his skin.
“Yeosang.”
Once he sat down on the other side of the rounded booth, the two of you spent hours talking about various things. What brought you to the island, what kinds of jobs you both did (he was a mechanic), what towns you lived in, what town you originally came from, et cetera. He was very interesting, not to mention very intelligent, and while he seemed reserved initially, he slowly opened up to show a more comedic side. The two of you had almost completely forgotten to check on your friends until Seonghwa came by to let Yeosang know that he and your friend were headed out. You gave your friend a good once over, making sure they weren’t shitfaced and still coherent. Relieved to find them acting their usual self, you had no reservations about letting them head out without you.
As soon as they were both out the door, you watched through the window as they climbed on the back of Seonghwa’s motorcycle, putting his helmet on. Yeo laughed at his friend, apparently trying to “act cool.”
“There are times when he struggles to even talk to someone, but then there’s moments where he’s got massive game. I don’t even know how I keep up with him.” You smiled as he kept on talking about his friend, the genuine fondness showing through his words. Something about how he talked about Seonghwa was so deeply endearing. It made your heart flutter a little in your chest.
Your talks kept up as more people filtered into the bar, creating a hotter and stuffier atmosphere. He inched closer and closer to you, both of you struggling to hear the other as more voices came into the building, and the music got louder. After a while, you two just looked at each other and laughed, finding it ridiculous. You couldn’t help but notice, however, just how close he was. Merely inches apart as he leaned into your ear.
“I think we should head out.”
—
Yeosang parked the motorcycle right in a hidden clearing, taking your hand and bringing you to the edge of a cliff a few feet from the bike. You looked over it, deciding that if he was a murderer, he really wouldn’t have been able to kill you with the drop. Sure, maybe some bruises or a scratch, a bit of muscle ache, but definitely not death.
“I’m not trying to murder you, you know,” he lets out with a low chuckle, reading your mind. “I just wanna show you my favorite view out here. Especially with the sun setting. You have to wait a few more minutes, but it’s so worth it.” He smiles brightly at you, and you couldn’t help but look at how the light from the lowering sun made his skin glow. You smiled back, watching as he walked back to his bike to lean against it, his toned legs stretched out in front of him, arms crossed and showing off his muscular build. He patted the spot next to him, beckoning you over. You obliged, leaning your body against the seat of the bike, arms brushing his as he stared out at the view and watched the different birds crossing over the water.
You struggled to look at the view, eyes constantly straying over to him and his face, the birthmark next to his eye standing out. It took your restraint to keep from listening to your impulsive thoughts to reach out and trace it.
You wanted to brush back his long black hair to get a better view of it, maybe even gather it up in your hand. That brought on a new wave of thoughts, ones that included your grip on his hair, pushing him in between your legs, eyes closed as he–
“It’s impolite to stare you know.”
Your face burned as you turned away towards the ocean, eyes looking downwards. His chuckle reverberated into your chest. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see him look over at you, one eyebrow raised and a smirk gracing his face. He managed to look both devilish and angelic at the same time, a feat you never realized could be done before.
“Sorry, just…lost in thought.”
“It’s okay, pretty girl. Maybe you should take a picture next time, hm?” His smile widened a bit after that, and you rolled your eyes, even though the smile playing at your lips contradicted the movement. The water crashed against the shore, providing background noise surrounding the two of you. You had expected him to have turned his attention back to the shifting sunset, but you could still see him focused on you.
You tried to ignore his eyes piercing you, dragging down the length of your body. His tongue peeked out behind his lips, swiping over them in a way you wished to do. Gathering your thoughts that melted all together you slightly turned your head toward him, eyebrow raised.
“You don’t practice what you preach?” You bit out. Something in the way he smiled tossed your stomach in a way not unpleasant. His eyes kept shifting between your eyes down to your lips, eventually losing the battle and fixating themselves on the way you brought your bottom lip into your mouth to lightly bite at it.
“Why don’t you let me do that, hm?” Was the only thing he said before a hand reached out to grab the side of your face. He gave you a chance to pull back, and as soon as he realized you didn’t plan to, he leaned in. You sharply sucked air in, his lips brushing gently over yours as your eyes fluttered closed. After what felt like minutes of building anticipation, he pressed himself against you. Both hands grasped at your face as he deepened the kiss, tongue lightly swiping at your lips.
Maybe it was the one drink in your system, or maybe it was the way your body felt like it craved every possible touch from him, but you let him take complete control. His body pushed you against the seat of his bike, his hands coming down to either side of you to cage you in. This time your hands came up to grab either side of his face, your body pressing into him as if you could get any closer. His hips moved into yours a little, wanting to show you the effects you already had on him. He was strained against his pants, gently rocking into you to find some sort of relief. It made you grin a bit against his mouth, knowing how much power you had over this man you only met a few short hours ago.
His mouth left yours to start trailing against your jaw and down your neck. He sucked harder in some areas that you knew would leave sensitive purple marks in the morning. It was when he reached down the base of your neck under your ear that you let out a sound that fell between a sharp sigh and a squeak. At this, he smiled into your neck, lapping at the spot before gently nipping at it.
“I love your sounds, pretty girl,” he noted before continuing around the column of your neck. It was agonizing, wanting him to finally get to where you truly needed him. You whined as his hand moved to your thigh, slowly starting to make progress toward your core.
“Yeo please–” He hushed you as you started to plead.
“I’m gonna make sure you get what you need, baby. Patience.”
The hand on your thigh came back up to wrap around your waist, gripping so tight that you were sure bruises would form in the shape of his fingers later. Your hands made their way into his hair, lightly gripping the strands and tugging a bit to encourage him to move faster. His eyes fluttered closed and the deep groan that came out of him made you clench around nothing. How could someone make such a sinfully beautiful sound like that?
His eyes opened and it felt like they were staring into the very depths of you. Something dark and exhilarating floated in his pupils, sending a shiver through you as his hands gripped you impossibly tighter, arms flexing in the loose muscle tank.
“Lean back on my bike, doll.” His voice had dropped several octaves and it reverberated in your body, nodding as you listened to his instructions. You place both hands on either side of your body as you lean your weight backward, allowing him to move to the waistband of your jeans and undo the buttons and zipper. Pushing both your pants and underwear down, you kicked them off over your sneakers. As he watched, he caught a glimpse of the damp spot on your underwear and smiled.
“We’ve barely done anything baby.” Your face burned as you rolled your eyes, trying to not fold under his charms.
“Whate– shit.” His fingers cut off your rebuttal as they lightly skimmed over your slit, humming in mockery of your reaction. Your head tilted back as your hips moved up, a futile attempt at trying to get him to press just a little harder. He refused to put any more pressure besides gentle brushes, occasionally nudging your clit when you move your hips just right. His feather-light touches drew out small whimpers from you as you endeavored to keep most of your sounds in.
After what felt like forever, he moved his hand away, making your head dizzy at the sudden shifting. Before you could complain, he was sinking to his knees, gloved hands grabbing your thighs to bring them on his shoulders, shifting your weight around so you were fully reliant on both him and his bike. One of your hands came up to grab his hair on instinct, gripping it between your fingers.
His breath ghosted over your wet lips, making you shiver and tighten your hold on his scalp. The tip of his nose rubbed along your slit, causing you to buck your hips again into him. You looked down, mouth opening to complain about his teasing. However, the sight below you distracts from the whine that had been at your tongue. Yeosang’s eyes meet yours, half-closed in a drunken state. He somehow looked even more ethereal this way, his senses completely filled with just you.
“Please” was all you could muster out. He nodded his head, understanding your plea, and his tongue came out to separate your folds, licking up the wetness he had thoroughly spread. Your body felt as if had simultaneously relaxed from the end of his initial teasing, as well as tensed up from the sensations he gave. His tongue flicked against your clit, making you jolt upwards in surprise. You felt his tongue circle around your clit before he began to suck it into his mouth gently, tongue going back and forth over it. Your stomach tightened up, your grip on his hair pushing him more into you. He hummed at the pressure, causing ripples of pleasure to roll through you.
He released your clit to move downwards, his tongue dipping into your cunt and curving up. Your other hand, the one not in his hair, came up to cover your mouth from releasing the long moan on the verge of slipping out. He continued dipping his tongue in you and flicking up, making it harder and harder to keep your noises in. Your thighs clenched around his head, and his fingers tightened to help keep you steady.
He leaned back a bit from you, allowing you to have a deep breath as you clenched around nothing. You looked at how his mouth shined from your slick, a smile gracing his features as he took a second to breathe. One of his hands released your thigh, and using his nails he lightly grazed across your skin until his hand was at your entrance.
“Is this okay, doll?” He looked up at you with concerned eyes, checking to ensure you were okay. You smile and nod, thumb rubbing his scalp and pushing some of his hair back. He nodded with you, and slowly pushed two fingers into you, allowing you to adjust to the thickness. Your eyes fluttered closed, focusing on the way his fingers opened you. It had been a while since you had anything other than yourself inside you, so the stretch was a welcome burn.
“Breathe.” He gently whispered, making you realize you had been holding your breath the entire time. Your inhale was a bit wobbly, but you finally exhaled and relaxed around him.
“Good girl.”
His fingers started to move, not fully leaving out of you before they were pushed back in again. He curled them upwards, looking for something inside you.
“I need…please…faster,” you shakily managed to get out. He huffed out a light chuckle, and you looked down at him through hooded eyes.
“My baby is so good at begging.”
His fingers picked up their pace, leaving you to struggle to catch your breath. Eventually, he found what he was looking for, as your back arched when he prodded at one spot within you. With your eyes closed, you sensed him pause and move below you, before feeling his mouth suck your clit in again. The new sensation, along with the continuous pressing on the sensitive area in you, had you unable to hold back your moans. Your senses were completely overwhelmed in the best way possible. And the pressure in your stomach started to build more and more with every hit of his fingers.
“Is my pretty girl gonna cum for me?” His voice rocked through you, not letting up his movements. Your eyebrows furrowed as your eyes closed tightly. It was too much to try to hold back and with a few final movements, both hands flew to his head. You held him as close as you could, the pressure on your clit not stopping as you clenched tightly around his fingers.
He could hear you call his name as you finished, and it didn’t do anything to help the pressure in his pants. But he knew that if either of you wanted to move to that, you’d have to take at least one more finger to prepare. So as you came down with deep breaths, he pulled off you. Your head was still spinning as he kissed your inner thighs, bringing you back down.
“I want you in me, Yeo,” you managed out. You could see how much he was straining against his pants, and you wanted to help relieve some pressure for the both of you. His smile was soft and endearing, a switch from the man who just gave you a transcending orgasm.
“I know baby, I want to. But we need to prepare you just a bit more for that, okay?” His words took a moment to process. You thought you had prepared to take him, but as he slowly started to push three fingers in, you realized that you might have trouble walking tomorrow.
“Oh shit,” was all that came out, as the stretch made your eyes roll back. All the pain was masked under the slight overstimulation you felt. It was almost too much, but you desperately wanted to feel all of him in you, and if this is what it took to get there, then you wouldn’t complain.
It wasn’t an unusual feeling, you had experimented with three fingers before, but having someone else do it was what made you dizzy. Especially when his fingers were already so thick, it was more of a stretch than you were typically able to give yourself.
You took a breath, trying to relax around him. It was difficult though, as you kept clenching every time he moved back in. Watching as you sucked him in again repeatedly had him almost drooling. He couldn’t help from going back in, attaching himself to your already abused clit. It made your eyes jerk open in surprise. It made it even more difficult to relax, as you gripped him rhythmically.
“Yeosang, please!” Your voice cried out like music in his ears. He could feel the way your thighs shook around his head, tightening more and more from his attack. He knew he couldn’t hold on any longer, and just as your eyebrows started to furrow up again, he pulled away. His fingers left you, and he watched in a trance as you fluttered around nothing. A whine was pulled out of your mouth, bringing him back to you.
Gently placing your thighs off his shoulders for a moment, he stood, reaching into his back pocket for his wallet. Out of it he grabbed a condom and placed the wrapper in his mouth. He quickly grabbed his shirt off, then unbuckled his belt, undid his pants, and hastily pushed them down with his boxers, kicking them off to the side.
Your mouth involuntarily dropped open. That’s definitely why he wanted me to have three. His dick hit his stomach as he focused on putting the condom on. To say he was well endowed would be an understatement, and you were starting to wonder if he shouldn’t have possibly used four fingers to open you up a bit more. It made your mouth water a bit at the idea of having that stretch you out. You had yet to have a partner with such a gift as Yeosang has, and you were quite excited to see if he knew how to use it.
He gripped your thighs again, putting them around his hips. One hand stayed holding a leg while the other grabbed around your waist. His dick rubbed between your folds as he slightly ground into you. With every motion upwards it caught on your clit, dragging along and making you cling to his shoulders.
“You still okay with this? We can stop now if you want.” It made your heart skip hearing him. He was being considerate, even with how much he was definitely holding himself back from ramming into you. His teeth were clenched, his jaw tense and defining his jawline. He’s so fucking beautiful.
“Yes, Sangie.” The nickname rolled off your tongue without a second thought, and it made you both stop and look into each other’s eyes. Something within his chest twisted hearing the way you said his name. And seeing you this way…it was something he knew he needed more of.
Your teeth caught your lip, looking down to watch how his girth spread your lips apart.
“What did I say about letting me do that.” He leaned down towards your face and kissed you. Your eyes fluttered shut at the touch of his soft lips against yours again. Your entire face felt tingly, allowing him to take over control of the kiss. As he pulled away, he bit down gently on your bottom lip, pulling it out slightly before letting it go. And as he rest his forehead against yours to look into your eyes, he finally adjusted his hips to slip in you.
The stretch was almost unbearable. Almost. You were beyond thankful that he prepared you thoroughly. And between your first orgasm and the heated makeout session you two had, you were virtually drenched with desire and need.
He stilled as he completely bottomed out. The feeling of him filling you up completely was overwhelming in the best way possible. Every sense was completely overtaken by the need for more of him. His taste, his smell, his touch. All of it. And after a while, you moved your hips to try to get him to continue.
“Move…please move.” You looked through your eyelashes at him, giving him your best pleading eyes. And looking at how pretty your eyes were in this scenario, it took him all he could to keep from pounding away. He slowly left your body, not fully taking himself out before thrusting hard into you. The movement jolted your body along with the bike under you, and he continued with the pace and force he wanted to use.
You brought a hand up to bite, an attempt at keeping your moans in at the feeling of being so full. He moved his hand from your thigh to grab at your hand muffling your sounds, pulling it away from your mouth and placing it on his chest, before he returned his hand back to your thigh.
“I want…I need to hear my pretty girl,” he groaned out, punctuating his words with particularly hard thrusts causing moans to spill out. You felt him twitch inside you with every sound drawn out of you. “Can you feel what your pretty noises do to me, baby? You sound so beautiful.”
Your nails dug into his skin, running across his chest and grabbing his biceps. Red streaks followed your fingers, and you felt his hard biceps ripple every time he pulled you onto him. His strength only served to turn you on more, clenching around his length. That erupted a deep groan from his chest, an enchanting sound that you would definitely keep engrained in your memory.
The coil in your stomach tightened more with each thrust. You knew you needed just a little bit more, something to truly tip you over the edge. You took one of your hands off his upper arms and moved to circle your clit. That was it. You were thrown over your precipice as your eyes rolled back into your head. All you could think was Yeosang, Yeosang, Yeosang.
He watched as your back arched into him, chest pressing against his as he slowed down a bit, letting you ride your waves. You eventually came back down, eyes hazy and glazed over. The slow drags of his cock helped to ride out the aftershocks. Your body fell limp into him.
Yeosang eventually started to pick up the pace, the dazed look in your eyes spurring him on. His low moans in your ear signaled the nearing of his end. His thrusts became sporadic as his grip tightened impossibly more on your thigh. He was using you to get off now and it made a rush of heat fill your body. His hair fell in front of his face, his eyes shut tightly as he focused on his own pleasure.
“Cum, Sangie. I wanna see you cum, please please please.” You whined into his ear, the overstimulation of his continual pace causing every nerve in your body to be lit on fire. Your nails dug deeper into his shoulders, and they made their way to his back, dragging angry red lines across the expanse. You felt how his cock twitched at that, and a deep groan emanated from his throat. There it is. You kept dragging your nails across his back feeling as his pace started to lose its rhythm. And finally, with one last deep moan, he stilled in you, his face buried deep in your neck.
You felt his breath fanning across your neck, your eyes blinking shut at the sensation. It all felt truly perfect. His deep breaths in your ear, the feeling of being so full of him, his body weight resting slightly on yours, arm around your waist keeping you close to him, the smell of the ocean and your bodies mixed. He slowly started pressing delicate kisses down your neck and into your shoulder, causing a shiver to wrack through your body.
“That was…that was really good,” he giggled in his deep voice. You nodded, not trusting your voice just yet. He moved away from your neck to look down at you and your blissed-out face. He swore he could stay like this forever, watching as the light from the sunset cast beautiful colors onto your skin, giving you a glow.
And then your eyes opened to meet him again, and something about the way you smiled at him made him realize that this was not just a one-time thing.
~~~
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fingers tangled into his hair, lazy arms wrapped around your waist as the words slip past his lips. ever so quietly and equally mumbled, but you feel his lips move against your skin — and you heard him. even though the words come out mumbled and almost in a whisper, you still heard him.
‘’i love you, fuck, i love you,’’ he repeats, even though he doesn’t need to. you heard him the first time. ‘’love you so fucking much,’’ he’s borderline rambling at this point, and he knows he is. it doesn’t matter.
because he loves you, just like you love him.
‘’nothing without you,’’ he breathes, lazily snapping his hips into you. ‘’i’m nothing without you.’’
your legs are shaking at this point, both because of the endless orgasms he had pulled out of you and because of the position you found yourself in. ‘’mingi,’’ is all you manage to breathe out, your words coming out just as mumbled his had as you rest your head in the crook of his neck.
once rough, now soft lips press against your skin and you think you might melt into him any second. it’s warm, your bodies sticking together and you can feel the sheer layer of sweat covering the back of his neck — you don’t care. neither does mingi.
it’s no longer fucking, it’s raw. it’s intimate and it’s raw, just like you want it to be. it’s you and mingi. nothing more, nothing less. with you on his lap as he buries himself into you, it’s exactly what it’s supposed to be.
‘’no one else for me,’’ he’s not even sure what he’s saying at this point, and neither are you. ‘’there’s no one else for me, just you, it’s always going to be you,’’ he doesn’t say it to reassure you, nor is he saying it to make a statement. ‘’i’m yours,’’
raw. ‘’i’m fucking yours, forever,’’ he’s raw and he’s real.
pent-up love and feelings he’s never gotten a chance to utter spilling past his lips, and you’re there to catch it all. and you’ll always be, because just like he’s yours — you are his.
dinner in the presence of yunho is always pleasant. not just the sight of him--though that is, too, but in the way he's always able to bring smiles out from anyone--your parents and his arranged around the table, all praising his accomplishments and excited for the next step in his journey.
he's sitting across from you, a shy smile on his face with light pink tinted cheeks, flustered from the amount of flattering, but you know he's happy. happy to have made his parents proud, and happy to have kept the family customs that's been established before he was even born.
"now that you're officially done with your master's and will be helping your father soon, is there anything else you have in mind? anything else you wish to do?" your father asks politely.
he's never had a son, and yunho is probably the closest thing to one, having treated him like his own from the days he was still running around the playground like any child, so much shorter than him, to the present where he's grown into the young man he is, towering over your father with ease.
"like marriage," your mother adds, prompting yunho's own to chuckle along as the two share an amused look and swat each other on the arms playfully at the thought.
your attention immediately picks up at the word (as if you already weren't listening in on it intensively), and your sister's might've as well, though you're too busy thinking for yourself to notice even if she's just a seat away.
short-haired, petite frame, cute in her features, and two years entirely younger than you, it's hard to not feel small next to her despite being a few inches taller.
she's also graceful in her manners, the food on her plate showing only few bites and little to no crumbs anywhere; the napkin and utensils even neatly placed on the side.
if you were not so spiteful and a little less of a bitch, you would say your sister is the perfect daughter--a combination of everything a young woman in her early 20s should be and more.
but if you're to spend time talking about your sister and the many ways she makes you feel inferior, you would never get to the point--the point being, you couldn't care less about the deep insecurities rooted in you from just being in the same room as her at the moment--your mind stuck in a trance, only able to think about yunho and marriage.
"a fine young man like yunho deserves only the best in a partner," your father adds sweetly, delivering a smile to yunho as the corners of his lips curve a little in return.
"i agree." yunho father's nod in agreement, raising his glass of expensive champange. "she needs to be someone who will be able carry the family's name forward. but most importantly, she should be smart and competent--someone equal to yunho."
a low and dry chuckle leaves him before he looks to yunho.
"right, son?"
there's an unintentional hesitation from yunho, stumbling with something nervous in his eye before nodding his head lightly.
"yes, father."
someone who will be able to carry the family's name forward, smart, competent, and equal to yunho.
in all honesty, you probably don't meet one or two of the requirements, but you do have a few things in your favor--the first being you are somewhat equal in terms of status.
their house might be bigger and they might throw more lavish parties, but you all shop at the same places, wear the same brands, drive the same kinds of cars, and live in the same neighborhood.
the last thing being--in the entirety that you've known yunho, he's never had a girlfriend and never seeked out relationships. as far as you're aware, you're the only woman in his life.
so pardon you for sounding a bit full of yourself, but you can't possibly think of anyone else who's better suited for him than you.
the dinner goes on, still with the compliments and small talks about the future, but a few more minutes in and you have to excuse yourself from the table to use the restroom.
no matter how many times you've been here, you will always get a little lost at first from how huge and spacious the downstairs is, until you finally find the door to one, relieving yourself and washing up, eager to head back so you can hear more about yunho.
but you're barely a foot out the door when you hit face first into someone's hard chest, just one glance up at him and it makes your stomach churn.
"hi," he says all cheeky smile, looking down at you with batting eyelashes, a tank top and messy hair like he just woke up. at almost 6 in the evening.
you don't say anything, only rolling your eyes in an attempt to get away but not before he's fast to block off the open space, making you thump your head into his chest again.
"i don't have time for you right now, san," you warn quietly, patience beginning to thin, but he probably doesn't even hear you, his gaze entirely elsewhere as a smirk appears on his lips.
"is that a new bra?"
"i don't know, what do you think?" you cross your arms, slouching and waiting for him to get the show over with so you can return to what actually matters.
"it definitely is. i've never seen you in it before."
you brush off the comment; it not even being worth a reaction.
"you know, i'm surprised you're even here at all."
he snickers, one arm leaned against the wall like what you're saying is ridiculous.
"at my own house? during my brother's celebration dinner? why wouldn't i be here?"
you see.. san is the biological son of the choi's. yunho was adopted into the family after a tragic accident took both of his parents' lives, and always having been a close friend and good business partner of yunho's father, mr. choi took yunho under his wing, allowing the boy to keep his family's original surname and raised him until he's quite literally a mere reflection of the man himself.
you have no idea what went wrong; how proper and sophisticated people like mr and mrs choi can end up with someone like san who has so little care for the world, as if he's just floating through life.
but you suppose that's the advantage of being the biological kid--he gets to fuck up however many times he wants and can put in the bare minimal efforts and get asspats for it, while someone like yunho has to go the extra mile, sweating blood and tears just to prove he's worth something. that mr. choi wasn't wrong.
and maybe that's one of the reasons why you always held a fair amount of hatred toward san--that he's just another rich and spoiled kid.
despite the prejudice, the awful thing is that you still have more in common with him than yunho--putting on pretty facades of being a good son at family events and business interviews when behind it, he was busy smoking weeds and getting drunk at dirty frat parties every week.
you only know that because you were also at those parties, smoking dirt cheap weeds and getting stupid drunk, failing half of your classes.
"just pointing it out because you seem to have a knack for missing important events."
"i never miss important events, that's why i came to find you," he delivers with a sly tone, inching too close that you're basically pressed up against him, proceeding to pinch your brows at the confession.
"you followed me?"
"of course. i heard the conversation at the table. you know, if you're going to get married off to my brother soon, we might as well get it over with; go into one of these rooms. we might not get the chance ever again. i'll make it quick, and this will just be between you and me."
he does the suggestive gesture of swiping a thumb over your lips but you're quick to push him off, hissing back, "you're fucking disgusting."
he smirks in amusement.
"all i heard was 'fucking', and definitely, we could be fucking right now."
your eyes roll into the back of your head so hard, you're surprise you don't pass out.
"i wouldn't fuck you even if i'm on life support and need your dick to survive."
he laughs.
"who knows. desperate time calls for desperate measures. after all, we have made out before."
you kissed san. once. and that was only because you were high as fuck and had no idea what the hell was going on, but san will always bring it up any chance he gets, holding onto that fact like a badge to be proud of.
"only time i'd let you lay a finger on me is if i'm fucked in the brai--"
"--y/n?"
both your heads snap to the voice a couple feet away, seeing it's yunho and having to immediately distance yourself even further from san, clearing your throat.
"what's going on?" he asks in his soft timbre.
"i was just uhm," you half answer, running over to his side to make yourself at home by wrapping your arms around one of his, staring back at san in annoyance, "using the restroom and ran into him."
"you were taking a while so i told everyone i'd come and get you."
the way your expression immediately changes at yunho's words makes san feel pure disgust; how you can switch character so quick almost unbelievable.
"thank you," you reply with a smile, lightly snuggling the side of your head on his arm. "let's go back."
hauling him back the other way, you wait as he stops and turns slightly to san, uttering, "dinner is still going on. you should come."
san can only watch the two of you walk away, groaning to himself as he pushes past the restroom door and slam it in irritation.
a/n: forgot to mention it's also gonna be a little enemies2lovers <3 but honestly just wanted to get the introduction to the characters out of the way. normal chapters will b longer ofc.
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