moriwastaken

[moriwastaken]

Just finished Black Bird. It was an amazing show, the acting was phenomenal. If you've never heard of the serial killer Larry Hall (or even if you have and haven't watch the show, I cannot recommend this more. Can't wait to have nightmares tonight :))

[moriwastaken]

08/17/23

I live a very solitary life, weekends are the best because I have an excuse to drink and go to shows and such. I went last night and a little after getting there, my friend asked me if I would go sit in my car for a bit. He invited someone that doesn't really like me and didn't want any issues to come of it. I did and I pretended I was okay, but then he said that the person did show up and it'd be best if I left. Again, I didn't put up a fight, I just went to my favorite bar for a beer or two. What I haven't told anyone is that I cried the entire way to the bar. Then again when I got home. A few more times today and right now as I'm typing this. I didn't expect it to hurt so much. It shouldn't, I don't think. It's my fault the person hates me, but it just made me feel so unwanted at one of the only places I truly enjoy myself anymore. I've been trying to avoid thinking about it but idk what to do with my weekends anymore. I can't go there again, if the same thing happened twice I might just have a breakdown then and there. I'm not sure what I should do other than anything to take my mind off of it.

[moriwastaken]

Tonight I feel unique. I am the only one in existence that will witness these memories as they are now, forever locked away by the key that is my untimely death. Positive feeling, oddly enough. No?

[moriwastaken]

Likeliness of suicide tonight:

23%

[moriwastaken]

it’s nights like these i lay just the right way on my pillow, close my eyes just the right way. if i put my phone on my face and listen real close, i can almost tell you all my problems of my day, like i did before.

and you’ll tell me you love me.

but you’re dead now, just like me.

soon we’ll find out way to meet in the middle, okay?

[moriwastaken]

no it’s cool, i actually didn’t need the prozac. thanks.

[moriwastaken]

how do i tell someone that they hurt my feelings without hurting their feelings?

[moriwastaken]

Half-Life

its been a while since i learned about it, so take everything i say with a grain of salt, but from what i can remember it's the halfway point in decay of an element. They all have one. There's nothing in the universe that doesn't have one, actually, other than energy and concepts like time and space. All material things. its a simple concept, but the trouble begins when you realize that the rate of decay of things is exponential, so the half-life can get difficult to figure, unless you know the rate of decay of whatever you're looking at

during its lifetime, an elements bonds will slowly grow weaker and when they are too weak, a lot of energy is released. its how nuclear energy and bombs work, as well as the sun, they just do it forcefully rather than letting it happen over time

still, it leads to the same end. when it happens naturally, though, usually there will be violent outbursts of energy before the final release. its the universes way of raging against the dying of the light. anyways, sometimes thats how i feel. like i might break down one night and then feel better the next day, but its all ultimately leading to the same end i'm raging against

either way, it'll hurt everyone around me, but if i just wait for it to happen naturally, who knows what kind of solar flares or beta radiation i throw off while im seemingly needlessly raging against the dying of nothing

[moriwastaken]

My job is the last thing I have in my life. Its 8 hours a day that I don’t have to think, where i’m told what to do and i have nothing else to do but wait for my shift to be over. It’s 8 hours of numb bliss.

I was just suspended from my job. If I am fired….

I thought I would have more time. I thought this was the one thing in my life that would stick around no matter what. Perhaps my life isn’t meant to stick around.

[moriwastaken]

An Echo of the Past

It's funny, for the longest time I've been perfectly comfortable knowing I could die at any moment. I could walk out of this room and be shot in the street. I've always been fine with that.

But lately I can smell it in the air around me. Like death is slouching towards me from the corners of the room. And I cannot tell if it is here for me or just an echo of the past.

I wish it hadn't been you. It would have been so much easier.

-James Spader as Raymond Reddington

It's thought that even the quietest sound made at the beginning of the universe still echo's during the end of it and you can find it if you have sensitive enough equipment. But even if the equipment is never invented and no one even thinks to look, that sound still repeats endlessly, somewhere, even long after whatever made the song is gone.

I guess that's what this account is supposed to be. My echo. I make all this noise and write all these words, knowing no one would hear it. Still, maybe someday, eons from now, someone might grow curious and develop sensitive enough equipment and hear my echo. What then, I wonder, will they think? Will they understand? Will they feel the same? Will they cry out in harmony with me? Perhaps we'll form a choir of broken souls, strewn across space and time.

Are they already there? Do they see me? Do they understand? I hope to meet them, I've so much to get off my chest.

[moriwastaken]

I don’t know how i ever thought i could get out of this.

[moriwastaken]

I remember a story of someone that wanted to live, but couldn’t find a reason to. From what I recall, on their way to their bridge, they swore to themselves that if even on person smiled at them on the way there, they would turn around.

I always thought they didn’t give it enough time. I mean, the control group was way too small. What if there was a mild gas leak a few blocks down, so everyone walking from that way was just in a bad mood from the smell?

I’m gonna travel this year, see as much as I can. For the experience, sure, and maybe I’ll find something, but I’m not optimistic. I think, though, I’ll finally finish their experiment. All of these places, all of these people, there has to be a smile or a kind set of eyes somewhere.

But I’m not optimistic.

[moriwastaken]

I’m the only one other than my mother that has a car in my immediate family, so I’m called a lot for rides. I don’t mind, I enjoy driving. It helps me clear me head. Anyways, tonight was one of those nights. I was called to bring one of the tiny humans from my moms place to their dads. This kid is 2 years old at best. Still doesn’t know how to talk. Point is, when I was just driving, I thought about opening up to them and telling them everything I’ve been wanting to tell everyone else. They wouldn’t understand, but at least they would listen.

I also thought about how they’ll grow, what these next few years will be like. They’re young, so they’ll barely remember me, but they seem to like me a lot, so maybe they’ll get flashes of someone that used to be there. I take a lot of comfort it that. It’s the only thing that’s given me comfort in weeks.

[moriwastaken]

I don’t think I’m making it through this one. This sadness you’ve created is my tomb.

[moriwastaken]

I hope you can forgive yourself when I’m gone.

But please don’t forget about me. Please.

[moriwastaken]

A little too on the nose? I always thought my poetry was, but then again, I’ve always preferred more straight forward speech over metaphors and deeper meanings. They just confuse me.

[birbohex]

"untitled" - (2022)

[ID: A plastic bench late at night, the photo shot from a blurry angle. In the background, what used to be a public garden sits, its plants now long dead. End ID.]