Anti-Affini Tactics: Blahaj Blitz
Navigator Maquis: “Captain Meadows Pyrus! Ma’am! We have a small Terran contact on our sensors, hiding in the asteroid field. Their transponder is inactive. Probable feralist vessel. Possible pirate freighter, but there are no weapon signatures.”
Captain Meadows: “I see. Approach slowly Maquis. It’s been a while since we last found one of these cuties~ “
Meadows jealously watches Maquis play with their new floret Victoria as they carry out the order. They tease and toy with the human, gently poking in a game of tag while expertly plotting the ship’s course. Maquis’s vines slip through Victoria’s guard, playfully ruffles her hair into a disheveled mess. They take advantage of an opportunity to brush against the ultra-sensitive flower bud that’s sprouted from behind her ear, sending shivers down the woman’s spine as she squeaks and blushes intensely, stomping her feet. It’s been some weeks since the woman was rescued off the derelict liner. It took some time to heal her wounds, but now she shines with a luster brighter than any star-forged diamond.
Maquis looms triumphant, only for Victoria to climb up their bulk and rustle their shifting locks of vines and ferns, styles to emulate a half shaven Terran hairstyle. It is a fool’s errand for a human floret to try to inconvenience an Affini, but an adorable one nonetheless, as the pair succumb to a game of hair tag. Dueling to see who can mess up the other’s hairstyle the most. The sight fills the old Affini with longing. Of intimacy. Or closeness.
For two blooms, has Meadows gone without a floret.
For two blooms, has Meadows allowed the goals of the Compact sweep her away.
For two blooms, had Meadows has existed under a spell of solitude.
A spell that will be broken today.
Meadows: “Take us in nice and easy. We don’t want to spook the poor petals. Be sure that they can’t attempt a jump, it would break my core to see them run away so soon.”
Maquis: “Understood. Jump drive suppression already is active, they should have no — “
Communications Officer Viti: “Captain Pyrus! We have an active hail from the feralist contact, broadcast on all channels to us. They appear to have an… negotiation for us? The transmission comes with a data packet of their demands.”
Meadows: “Put them onto the ship’s P.A. system, I’d love to see how they will try to talk themselves out of being helped. The excuses they cook up in their overthinking heads are just so adorable.”
Meadows pulls the microphone close to mouth, the old captain fighting back a growing giggle. Its always fun to drag this part of the rescue out. Part of her feels silly for humoring these feralists, but what’s the worst they can do to an Affini patrol ship.
“Why, hello there~ I am Captain Meadows Pyrus, Eleventh Bloom, Captain of the Dendros. What adorable floret-to-be do I have the pleasure of speaking to?”
Several seconds of silence pass, as the ship’s crew wait for a response. Victoria looks up at the Maquis in confusion as the Communications Officer double checks the counsel.
Meadows: “Hmmm?… Is anyone receiving this transmission? Viti, is the channel active?”
Viti: “Oh! My apologies Captain, it appears there is a second step authentication to the signal, let me open up the data packet and—”
As soon as Viti opens the file, the ship’s systems go haywire. The lights and monitors filter as a battle for control begins, casting the ship’s internal compartments into static-y darkness. Victoria clinging tight to their owner, as strange digitized music plays over the P.A., bubbly and cute. The monitors come back online, only to be filled by a pixelated blue, white, and pink 2-D shark populates the monitors, mocking the Affini crew with a goofy little dance, shaking its fins to the melody.
Meadows: “Frost! A virus! Quick! Lock down all the systems! Now!”
Viti: “Its too late Captain, both us and the ship’s AI are locked out of all non-emergency systems. I am receiving scattered reports of disruption in the manufacturing and dining compartments! I can’t get a good idea of what’s happening, most cameras are offline or damaged.”
A smug, husky voice fills the air, basking at her own success. It is familiar; Meadows’ longtime domestication target, Lilith Amethyst. The rebel firebrand has been hiding out on the edges of space for months now, evading feralist fleets and Affini patrols alike. Meadows once came close to capturing her, to be interrupted by a petulant TCN frigate, plinking at the Dendros’ shields with missiles in a futile death ride. She was not happy with the frigate’s captain after she caught them.
Lilith: “I literally can’t believe you actually fucking fell for it! A phishing attack is, like, the oldest trick in the book! Pffffhahahahaah! Holy shit that’s too funny.”
Meadows: “Just what have you done to my ship, feralist?!?!”
Lilith: “Oh settle down Dandelion. It’s just a little bit of ransomware. And maybe a few friends of mine as leverage. Think of them as the vanguard of my revolution.”
Captain Meadows: “Vanguard… Maquis get down to the dining facilities and figure out whats going on! There was no way you could have made something dangerous. Those atomic synthesizers are hard-coded to make only toys and food without Affini authorization!”
Lilith: “Oh I know Miss blowpuff. But a true rebel knows how to leverage every potential. Quantity has a quality all to its own~”
The comms device in Meadows’ chest goes off, buzzing with local traffic across the ship. At the top is a short-range call from Maquis, halted at the entrance to the nearby dining facilities.
Maquis: “Captain! The ship is being overrun with shark plushies! We cannot get inside the dining facility. An endless wave of plushies are pouring out from the synthesizers and blocking the entrance. They must be set on a looped production cycle.”
Meadows: “Dirt! Is anyone still inside? Is anyone injured?
Maquis: “Best we can tell, ten Affini and nineteen florets are pinned beneath the plushie pile. They are fine, but unable to move or disable the synthesizers, only a remote deactivation can solve it”
Meadows: “Try the airlocks! Why not just shove them out into the void?”
Maquis: “We are trying but some of our human florets are resisting us! By the time we eject one, two have taken its place.”
Meadows: “Resisting? That’s impossible, no floret has ever gone feral after being domesticated”
Maquis: “No, not feral! They insist on picking out the “right” plushie and wont let us vent the plushies until they pick it. But there are so many, the cuties get choice paralysis and refuse to leave! I tried to pull Victoria away, but she refuses to leave willingly before she chooses and clings onto them with an impossible grip. Even worse, some are so overwhelmed they throw themselves into the pile, being buried beneath the blue tide and joining the trapped crew! We already had two humans and one Rinan jump in. Wait wait wait Athena, petal, don’t you dare jump in! Athena! Athena—“
Meadows: “Maquis are you alright? Maquis, report!”
Maquis: “Roots… I am fine, I just lost another floret. Athena just jumped in and is getting a very long talking to when I get her out. We are trying to contain the plushie pile with bulkheads and strategic venting where we can, but we are at a stalemate Captain.”
Lilith: “Brilliant, is it not? I call this the Blahaj Blitz. Weaponized plushies are certainly a novel tactic, don’t you agree, dandelion?~”
Meadows’ core thrums with anger. Not just for being outfoxed by this feralist, but also for the wellbeing of her crew being jeopardized by their insolent stunt. As much as Meadows wishes to curse Lilith, she is trapped and out of options. The old Affini accepts the situation and brings her to Lilith’s negotiation table.
Meadows: “Just… tell me what you want so you will free my ship…”
Lilith: “What does any revolutionary want? Think. Control over the means of production, of course. Any fool can build weapons or tools, but it takes a true visionary to see the power of mass producing a symbol. I am going to seize the means of Blahaj production, Captain. I want one of your atomic synthesizers. Plain and simple. Leave one prepared by your auxiliary docking port, free of any tracking technology and uploaded with my production specifications, and allow me to take it as the ransom payment for your crew. Then I’ll return control of your ship back to you, and you can decide how to best distribute my plushie vanguard amongst yourself. Seems like some of your precious pets have already started picking out their favorites.”
Meadows: “I-I that’s... alright we shall do as you say Lilith. Viti, tell the remaining crew to take an inactive unit and prepare it to her specifications. No price is too high to save our crew.”
Meadows steps away from the command console, making their way down through the chaotic passages of the Dendros towards the auxiliary airlock. A trio of human and Rinan florets scurry beneath her feet, carrying their prizes from the unfolding disaster. One particularly ambitious Rinan waddles beneath four sharks, each one nearly the same size as him. A human floret starts singing in an old human tune, first associated with shark-based horror films, now remade into a charming parody.
Human Floret: “Who is pink and blue and white and supports transgender rights? It’s the IKEA shark!!!”
The girl shrieks in excitement as she launches her shark at her Rinan friend, bouncing off his plushie armor like a goofy defective torpedo. Another human floret joins in, launching a salvo of plushies at the girl. The passageway descends into anarchy as the florets begin a plushie pillow fight.
Passing by the dining facility, Meadows spots Maquis and Victoria, tugging at the shifty tide of plushies, trying to free a trapped human floret. Athena, the former TCN captain, is nearly buried beneath the polyester avalanche, with only her hand sticking out from the sea of sharks. Maquis and Victoria both tug at the trapped human trying to free her as the pile slowly rolls forward, like a shifting lava flow, ready to pin anyone too distracted or sleepy beneath its soft mass.
In a mischievous twist, Athena, for whatever reason, reaches out and grabs Victoria’s hand, pulling her pinnate off balance and dragging her down into the pile with her, the two disappearing beneath the pile. Maquis, exasperated, pushes through the shifting tide, tossing sharks across the corridor in attempt to find their florets before they too become trapped.
While no one is being physically harmed, this situation cannot continue. Lilith and her schemes must be stopped today.
Meadows arrives at the auxiliary airlock just as members of the remaining crew deposit one modified sythnizer at the entrance. A deep thud reverberates through the corridor as Lilith’s ship docks. The airlock opens, and Lilith, in a modified mining jumpsuit, steps forward, smirking with pride.
Lilith: “Awww I thought you were going to wrap it up in a bow for me. And here I thought you’d like me dandelion…”
Meadows: “Just… how long will it take until you return control to our ship Lilith.”
Lilith: “As soon as I check everything is in order and I plot my way out of system, I’ll deactivate my virus. Don’t worry too much about the specifics. Now, could I trouble you some more, I’d appreciate if a big strong tree to help carry this to my quarters~”
Meadows grumbles in infrasonic groans as she lifts the unit up. Together, the two make their way through the tight halls of Lilith’s ship, dimly light by red emergency lights. It is in a sorry state of disrepair after months on the run, with discarded parts and trash littering around the corridors. makeshift repairs dot the ailing vessel like scars; impoverished repairs to keep it operating.
Reaching the combined captain’s quarters, she places the atomic synthesizer up top the command console, beneath a creased flag, pinned to the wall with magnets.
Meadows: “You know this is a demilitarized unit Lilith. You can not make any weapons or dangerous items, not matter what you demand.”
Lilith: “Please, my revolution does not need such brutish instruments. It will not be a tide of red I will be spread, but a tide of blue pink and white liberation! For too long, have the people suffered in a hard and cold world. For too long, they have been denied the tools of comfort and safety when they rest, denied their chance at softness when they retreat from an inhumane world. Your Compact may be admirable, but the humanity already has found the keys to its salvation. One I will spread across the far-flung colonies and help us build a paradise once more. A plushie in every home, a shark beside every hearth.”
Meadows watches as the rebel toys with the button selections, experimenting with the controls like they are a child on Christmas morning. Lilith is positively giddy; barely able to contain their excitement as they pull up the Blahaj schematic as negotiated.
Lilith: “You may go Dandelion. Or stay and bear witness to the spark of my revolution. It matters not.”
Meadows, informed by millennia of wisdom, defers to allow the situation to develop, exiting the room and leaving Lilith to her own devices. After giving the Affini adequate time to return to their ship, Lilith detachs her ship from the Dendros and transmit the deactivation codes. Turning to her prize, Lilith finds the size setting and maximizes the output value. She gives into chaotic temptation as she experiments with how large of an item the machine will allow her to produce.
Fifty times larger than the normal Blahaj!
Lilith’s mind goes wild. So many revolutionaries before her theorized what they would first make in a post-scarcity economy. Some, endless bread and meat for the starved masses. Others, legions of automatons that free humanity of the nuisances of household labor.
For her, her first will be the icon of her campaign.
She activates the machine, buzzing with activity as the Tsar Shork is slowly emerges from the maw of the atomic synthesizer. It towers above Lilith, rising to scrape against the high ceiling. It is majestic, casting long shadows and it begins to block out the lights with its massive volume.
Lilith: “Yes! Yes! Shark of the downtrotten masses! Come forth and usher in a new age of history! Yes! I— Uh oh…”
The shark, now too massive, folds over on itself, knocking Lilith down as it crumbles beneath its own weight. It then slides out from the machine, pinning Lilith beneath its soft titanic mass, pushing and flailing as her creation betrays her. A soft ding signals that the order is complete, with Lilith trapped beneath the soft giant.
She squirms, unable to extricate herself as Meadows reenters the space, checking the time on her comms device as she steps past the trapped Lilith and to the command console. With a flurry of vines, she plots a return path to the Dendros.
Meadows: “I have to give it to you Lilith, that was a sly plan of yours with the ransomware and exploiting the loophole in our production rules. I expected something like this to happen, but kudos to you for not getting sucked inside the plushie or some other mishap. But playtime is over. You made a very, very big mess with this stunt. Is there anything you have to say for yourself before I take you to the vet for a checkup and a collar?”
Meadows: “Lilith? Are you alright?”
Lilith: “I just… just… ten more minutes. It’s far more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. Let me cuddle under Tsar for a bit…”
Meadows: “… you humans and your sharks plushies are something precious, you know? Fine… ten minutes. But no more!”
Lilith: “Thanks… dandelion…”
Meadows: “That will be mistress to you, petal~”
Lilith: “Mmmmmmm… big… Blahaj…
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