I put my writing here

Just a repository for things Any pronouns

[motherxmercury]

Master Post

Hello!

This blog is for my writing things I don't really have another place for. I wanted to be able to post things that felt really personal without feeling like I was looking over my shoulder. Enough people in real life know my personal handle that I have to consider that every time I post there

I'm planning on posting my pieces on grief and disability. I may post pieces that get into self-harm, domestic abuse, etc. I'll try to tag accordingly

This is something new for me and an experiment really. If you want to stick around, I hope you find something I write that put words to a feeling tickling the back of your brain

The Blue-Handed Mage

Yash Tawny

Kohl Suzuki

Mother Writes

This Is Definitely Not About Disability

Querida Abuelita

We All Called Him Papi

Sister Sister

Mama

I Miss You Aunty

Lefty Grandpa

[chateauofmymind]

best kinds of characters either:

is/has been an active suicide risk

doesn’t or cannot consider suicide a real option and so is left with an inarticulable feeling of circling the drain

[motherxmercury]

She woke up. At first, she was blinded by the light shining over her head. It seemed too bright. Beyond it, darkness hung. The room was cold. The air was too dry, sterile with a metallic edge to it. Her arms were in an awkward position. She shifted but her arms were pinned and so was her head. She pulled but whatever it was holding her arms in place didn’t move. She yanked, her bonds rattling then clanging against whatever wall was behind her. Whipping her hands up behind her head, she found a heavy cable somehow connected to the back of her skull. She fought it for a moment then wrenched it out.

The pain exploded in her head, flashing white and blinding her. The high-pitched ringing deafened her, and she felt like she was going to throw up. She put a hand to her mouth and the coldness of her fingers against her equally cold face shocked her out of nausea. Her fingers clacked across her cheeks as she felt for her skin. Panic began to build. There was no flesh, just metal.

Cutting through the noise of her head, an alarm rang distantly. Running footsteps were coming closer. Her mind went blank with panic. She tried to run but her legs buckled as soon as she moved her feet. Her metal hands hit the grating with a clang and she fought for what felt like an eternity to stand. On her feet, she was wobbly at best. She put one foot in front of the other, holding onto the railing running along the grating and half pulling herself along. She didn’t know where she was going, just away from the alarm and the feet. Her vision was a haze, and her hands could hardly hold onto the railing.

As she limped along, she realized a doorway hung full of darkness ahead of her. If she could just make it to the dark, away from the periodic lights hanging in a row along tall tanks and racks. There was something in them, but she didn’t stop to look. It was taking too long to move.

Shouts and the thundering of boots against grating were suddenly very close. Adrenaline and something else filled her mouth and made it taste like poison. Almost on all fours she scrambled faster than she expected towards the dark rectangle. She heard and felt buzzing around her ears and face, something hit her shoulder with a sharp ping and clattered noisily as it ricocheted away. Her senses were in uproar, everything was so loud.

She groped forwards into the darkness her hand hit a wall. The darkness was somehow also deafening, a sharp change from the excruciating light. The sound followed her. She pushed herself forward, her eyes still struggling to focus on anything and adjust. Her hand slipped off the wall and plunged into empty space. Her loss of balance made her stumble into the space and land against another wall. Corner? No time.

Another wall vanished and she fell into a different feeling wall. It moved. A door. She felt desperately for some way to open it. The knob she found resisted. Panic filled her again and she yanked. Something inside the door made a startling screech and she was holding a knob with no door. No knob meant the door couldn’t be opened. She felt the door again, finding an irregular hole and pulled again. The door wrenched forward.

Feeling for another wall, she lost her footing and suddenly she was falling. There wasn’t any floor? Her arms banged against the walls and her head got several heavy hits. As she fell, something was hitting an arm repeatedly in a pattern. She reached for it and managed to close her fingers around a cylinder. Her fall abruptly stopped and she hung for a silent moment. Ladder.

In the brief silence, she saw a tiny sliver of light near her feet. Then the shouting began again and the ladder began to shake. She released the ladder and reached for the light. She fell again. Hitting the floor, she struggled to untangle her limbs. The light was near her face. She scrambled up again, bumped into another door and threw herself against it. It was heavier than the last one. It rattled but didn’t open. Something started to shower her again and she hit the door again with her shoulder. Almost. Two more blows. More things falling on her, they smelled hot. The door gave way and she fell out of her darkness.

A different sensation attacked her senses. Things hit her but they didn’t bounce off. It was much brighter, the ground was uneven. The air smelled metallic, but wetter and there were more to it. It felt unpleasant. Overwhelmed, banged up and lost, the shouts again shocked her out of her attempt to understand and into motion.

[birdplushie]

torture the character some more. put her in her worst nightmare and don't let her out

[kissingmonsters]

@candles-inthewoods

[motherxmercury]

They pulled out the drill. I can handle it. Yash's mouth was opened and several tools including the drill clacked against her teeth. They're going for a molar. Another tool was inserted and her jaw began to ache as it they forced her to open too wide.

The drill turned on. Yash's heart rate skyrocketed. She held her breath. The whine of the drill, the buzz against her tooth and the smell of burning enamel filled the air. Yash eventually had to breathe. The burning enamel smelled too much like explosive charges.

Adrenaline spiked through her veins and she gripped the arm rests. The left one began to creak under her hand. They were starting to hit a nerve. Yash breathed as little as possible, both to avoid breathing in tooth particles but also to keep from screaming.

She squeezed the arm rests tighter, locking her leg muscles to brace against the pain. Think of anything else. Go anywhere else. Be anyone else.

The pain began to radiate through her skull. Careful, don't move. Tools shifted around, one with a sharp edge pressed against the corner of her mouth and something began to trickle down her chin. They have to be almost done.

The hands removed the drill. Then she saw pliers cross over her face. No, please, not another one, She held her breath. She braced her legs. She squeezed the arm rests.

Blinding, shooting, excruciating pain. There was a sickening crack and she felt pieces hit her tongue. Something sharp was inserted into her gum. She could taste blood. The sharp metal point scraped out the rest of the tooth.

A new tooth was handed over. Yash braced. The hands pushed the tooth with a point instead of roots straight into the gum. Yash was beginning to black out. Spots clouded her vision, the taste of blood and the shattering crack replayed in her head.

The bile taste of a blackout replaced the blood and deafening ringing drowned out the tooth breaking. They were saying something now, it didn't matter.

If I pass out, I won't feel anything. Her head throbbed. Sweat broke out across her whole body and a hot flush followed. Yash felt her heart rate plummet. Here we go.

[motherxmercury]

Kohl started out as a shameless self insert but as time went on, she gained a life of her own. There are decisions she makes I wouldn't make and I think that's a testament to her becoming her own person. She has my DNA but her own experiences and motivations

[motherxmercury]

I was a strange child and one of my weird things was doggedly figuring out how to do many tasks with my eyes closed. I got fairly good, I can get up, shower, dress and make an uncomplicated breakfast with my eyes closed. This has come in handy a lot more than you might think. It's also helpful for writing.

[motherxmercury]

I'm working on another scene for Yash of dental trauma and I just want to say that everything in that scene with one exception happened to me with my orthodontist. Yash is what I do to deal with the medical malpractice.

[motherxmercury]

One thing I want to see more of:

Characters that stay alert and are already figuring out how to survive a situation because they've already been in so many before

[snapdragonling]

i love characters who could get the absolute Shit kicked out of them and still be fine but as soon as someone touches/handles them gently it’s like “ah. im going to shatter to pieces now thanks”

[all-wrung-out]

Oh! Or what if they break down they have to touche/handle someone else gently?

Big and tough until tenderness is required, and then they’re desperately trying to tamp down their emotions.

[typewriter-worries]

where's that picture that ruined my life

[typewriter-worries]

found it

[typewriter-worries]

this comic did the same thing

[kira-the-whump-enthusiast]

I need that woman CRYING and SHAKING because of something that is ENTIRELY HER FAULT

[vykodlak]

of course, the best part of any character's corruption arc is their cool new outfit

[sailermoon]

“besides, I have a sister.” top contender for one liner that makes me so emotional

[sailermoon]

i can’t explain why that last sentence always feels like a punch to the gut but if you get it, you get it

[motherxmercury]

I swore I would go back for my youngest sister. I tried, I really did. I went with her while she was in college, I lived nearby and got a job in town

But she didn't want to be saved. She went home to the yellow walls we painted together. She went back to the house with carpet I hadn't cried into and a bathroom with a new shower curtain

When I left, I scraped my soul off the walls and pulled my heart out of the tree that leaned against my window. I left nothing behind but nail holes and an empty closet

I left the house skinned, my heart beating somewhere else, without her

I tried. I swear I tried. I left the house and I lost her

[motherxmercury]

Wanda stood in the laundry room putting a load in the dryer. Someone was behind her. She spun around ready to telekinetically throw the basket at whoever was there. It was just Yash.

"Yash! You scared me. You're so quiet."

Yash looked worn down. Her face was paler and thinner than usual.

"Wanda can you look in my brain for a second?"

Wanda paused.

"Any reason why?"

Yash shrugged. "Just curious about something."

Wanda put down the basket. "Alright. But let's go out to the living room." She thought she saw hesitation from Yash but if she did, it was immediately hidden.

The two sat on the couch. Yash was losing weight again. Her shoulders looked gaunt under her shirt and her sleeves hung loosely around her wrists. Wanda didn't mention it but made a mental note to tell Shep.

"Are you ready? I'll be gentle but this may feel strange."

Yash braced herself. "Go ahead."

Wanda lifted a hand with swirling red magic and softly sank her fingers into Yash's consciousness.

Everything was so loud. Wanda winced a little. Yash saw. Wanda regained her composure and kept looking around.

It was chaotic. There was a distant screaming and pounding noise, like someone was trapped. Wanda sensed resistance when she noticed it. Overlapping thoughts in both English and Russian made a deafening cacophony. It was dark, everything was red.

Suddenly, something sprang out of the shadows at her. She saw a flash of metal and the dark figure lunged.

Wanda pulled back and out of Yash's mind with a gasp. Her heart was racing. She looked up at Yash. Yash was shaking. Her metal hand was clenched into a fist and her right held it down.

"Yash, who was that?"

Yash sat silently, grappling with the reality before she finally said,

"The Asset."

Wanda blinked.

"What?"

"It's the Asset." Yash gripped her left arm tighter. "They're always there. I wasn't sure how real they were so I needed you to check."

Wanda frowned. "You were declared fit for service, they said you were free from the brainwashing-"

"They lied," said Yash.

"They knew you were still dealing with this and they sent you back to active duty anyway?"

Yash nodded stiffly. Wanda noted that she seemed afraid to relax. "Not too much has changed really. The flag and the language changed but most things are still the same."

Wanda pinched her nose. "I'm still upset that they sent you back out again when the Asset is still very active." She paused and lowered her hand. "Have you lost control?"

Yash froze. Wanda knew the answer.

"Only Shep knows. It'll compromise the team if it gets out."

"It's not your fault, Yash. You got put in an impossible position."

"It is my fault, I should've prepped better. I shouldn't be such a loose cannon. It's dangerous for everyone else and I didn't prioritize them." Yash had her eyes down but she finally looked up at Wanda. "So yes, it is my fault. I'm compromised and allowed someone to take advantage of that."

Wanda reached out a hand and rested it on Yash's metal arm. Yash stiffened but gradually relaxed under Wanda's gentle touch. "Yash that's not how that works. If that was the case then we'd all be out of a job. That's how I met the Avengers, I compromised them. We all have something that takes us apart. That's just being human."

Yash stared at the floor. Wanda could feel the metal under her hand growing warm.

"Then why don't I believe you?" Yash whispered.

"You haven't had a break, ever. You went straight from World War II to Hydra capturing you. Then to being dispatched as the Asset. Hydra finally lost control but SHIELD doesn't treat you much better. It's been hard for decades, Yash."

Yash was silent.

"I lived some of what you experienced too," Wanda said. "I'm an experiment, I fought against the Avengers."

"How did you get over it? Over everything that happened?" Yash's voice cracked. "Do the nightmares ever stop?"

"It gets a little better every day but it takes time and work."

[motherxmercury]

She never slept on mission. She waited till it was over. It didn't matter if it was days on the field, Yash pressed on.

Shep could guess why but he felt strange bringing it up. The others didn't notice at first, missions were always chaotic and Yash was a great night watch. The sniper part of her brain made her sensitive to the tiniest movement or sound. It made sense she'd take watch every night. She clearly didn't want attention drawn to it and Shep uneasily let it be.

One night in the tower, Shep went down to the kitchen for painkillers when a migraine refused to let him sleep. They wouldn't help much, the serum made his metabolism eat drugs before they could be effective but at this point he was desperate.

As he passed the tv room he saw a glint of metal. Yash had been stretched out on the rug in front of the couch. His movement had alerted her and she sat half crouching, watching to see who it was. She'd chosen a good spot, she was almost invisible in the dark room.

"Yash??" Shep walked into the room. "What are you doing down here?" She shifted but didn't answer right away.

"My room is between yours and Sam's. I didn't want to run the risk of waking you up-"

"Huh?" Shep sat down on the couch and motioned for her to join him. "What do you mean?"

Yash moved up to the couch and sat silently. The dim light from the hallway caught in her yellow eyes making them look like they glowed. She studied the floor with a hand on her metal arm.

"Do you have nightmares? Like from the war? Or the serum?"

"Sometimes I do," he answered quietly. Yash continued to stare holes into the rug. Shep's head throbbed with the migraine but he ignored it and waited for Yash.

"Sometimes, they're so real," Yash stopped again. "Sometimes when they woke me up from cryo I-"

Shep waited patiently. Yash visibly struggled.

"I have nightmares too," she finally admitted. "Once after a mission in the hospital, I woke up screaming." Shep's aching head began to fit pieces together.

"You're afraid that you'll wake me and Sam up with your nightmares?"

Yash heaved an almost imperceptible sigh.

Everything about her is so constrained and locked down

"Yeah, that's it."

Shep felt a wave of sadness wash over him. She looked very similar in all the basic ways to the Yash before she was captured by Hydra but there was something else now in every aspect of her bearing that felt wrong. She was Yash, but different. Hydra had taken so much from them both. His pulse continued to throb in his ears but his focus was wholly on Yash.

"I don't mind," he finally said. Yash's eyes flicked up towards him. "I'm happy to come sit with you anytime that happens. You're my best friend." Yash chewed on this for a while. Shep added "We can even switch rooms if you want, that way you're on the end and only share a wall with me." Her eyes met his again. She finally broke the silence.

"Thanks Shep, that means a lot to me," she said softly.

They did switch rooms, Shep made up an excuse that got Sam's off their case. Shep slept with his door cracked so he'd hear Yash if she woke up. After missions seemed to be the worst. Something about holding a gun again and being on high alert would ruin weeks of nightmare-free sleep.

The first time, Shep came into her room before she was really awake. Her eyes were wild, she tore at her metal arm where it met her shoulder with her nails, the bedsheets were splattered with blood. Her sobs wracked her body as she tried to tear her metal arm off.

"Oh my Feld," Shep whispered under his breath. He gently pulled her right arm away from scratching holes in her skin. "Yash, I'm here, it's just a dream." Consciousness finally returned to her eyes. "There she is, hey now, it's just old Shep," he said quietly.

"Are you real?" Her voice was husky from screaming and her lips were so dry she could hardly form words.

"Very real. Here, see?" He wrapped her right hand in both of his. Her nails were covered in blood and he could feel the stickiness between his palms. Yash practically collapsed with relief. "Whoa whoa whoa," Shep caught her and lowered her back down gently. Yash's breathing was still ragged and Shep eyed her shoulder.

"I'm going to go get a first aid kit, will you be ok for two minutes?" Yash nodded weakly. Shep ran. He'd never seen her this bad, ever. When he came back, Yash was sitting on the edge of the bed, her right hand resting palm up in her lap, her fingers still tipped with blood. Her left hung by her side like she didn't even want to use it. Shep knelt down in front of her.

"Alright, let me take a look at that shoulder." He bit his lip when he saw the damage. "I'm just going to put some cream on this ok? It's cold but it shouldn't hurt." As gently as he could, he applied the cream to the raw flesh. As he touched her arm, Yash jumped and hissed. There was a flash of something else in her eyes that worried him. It almost scared him. The Asset was much closer to the surface that he thought.

[motherxmercury]

Yash groaned in frustration. She tossed aside a stack of papers and rested her forehead in her hand. The screen in front of her sat waiting for her to continue work. Yash swore in Czech and threw an empty bottle at the wall. She turned back to the screen and tried again. The spreadsheet was a mess. Whoever made this is an idiot. Yash opened the code window and typed in a few lines to make it easier to read.