MOVIE! FILM! BLOG!

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THE CONJURING!

The Conjuring! Dir. James Wan. Starring Patrick Wilson, Vera Farmiga.

As you're all well aware, Movie! Film! Blog! isn't scared of anything.

Spiders. No.

The Dark. No.

Girls. No.

Horror films don't really stand a chance agains't such unflinching bravery, so it's difficult to give an opinion based on the genres principle aim – scaring people.

BUT MOVIE! FILM! BLOG! ISN”T SCARED OF ANYTHING.

This includes 'A Challenge'.

(Not being scared of anything (including challenges) is a fairly bold claim and M!F!B! has spent much of the afternoon fact checking this very statement. Could this be possible? Anything is indeed everything and all that lives in between and this seems like a lot (although it all apparently came from a single spec of matter in distant prehistory and is slowly shrinking back into this original state. Movie! Film! Blog! finds this hard to imagine. Before there was just bits of grit and radiation, now there's everything ever made or ever will be made. Plus planets and stuff. It just goes to show that when your mum suggests packing an extra bag for all the trinkets and beach pebbles you might pick up from your six day sojourn in Torquay is good advice because you never know what you'll end up with. Movie! Film! Blog! has enough trouble fitting jeans and t-shirts and pebbles into a suitcase without worrying about the universe and everything after.))

The Conjuring was at least fun if not scary (in a haunted house/hey you were the owl guy in Watchmen kind of way) but Movie! Film! Blog! went home and watched Candyman on telly straight after and to be honest has mixed both of them up. As this will happen in a few trillion years anyway there is little point trying to separate them for this review.

Both get 7 stars.

SB

[moviefilmblog-blog]

ONLY GOD FORGIVES!

Only God Forgives! (18) Dir. Nicolas Winding Refn. Starring. Ryan Gosling, Kristin Scott Thomas.

Do you like dramatically lit rooms with nothing in them but static, ominous figures?

This is the film for you.

Only God Forgives gets 7 good looking stars.

CC

[moviefilmblog-blog]

THE BLING RING!

The Bling Ring! Dir. Sofia Coppola. Starring Not Ron Weasley.

Movie! Film! Blog! does not and will not lie. When word got around that Tinder would release on Android if and when they received 1000000 likes M!F!B! dropped everything to join the campaign. Today that day has arrived. The work is done and normal service will resume.

You're welcome, perverts....................................................................................................................................................................................

....is also what Hermione from Harry Potter is thinking when she does her slow motion chesty dance in this film that Movie! Film! Blog! didn't really pay attention to. Now that Tinder is on Android M!F!B! can finally search for beautiful women (preferably who don't expect too much) in the comfort of a wifi enabled dark cinema. 

Just like the good old days. 

Hermione has grown up. She only gets 7 stars. 

SB

[moviefilmblog-blog]

MAN OF STEEL!

Man Of Steel! (12A) Dir. Zack Snyder. Starring. SUPERMAN, DUH.

SUPERMAN. WHAT A SUPER GUY. All these critics everywhere are getting well upset over the fact that it was "humourless". Well Movie! Film! Blog! is here to say that the critics were all wrong. Movie! Film! Blog! is clearly the only blog to have understood the dry humour running throughout.

When Lois Lane says to him; "be careful, those bags are heavy." Hysterical. Why? He's well strong. Come on guys. Humour 101. 

Man of steel was fine. People get well upset about the depiction of their superheroes on the big screen. M!F!B! concedes that it was no Smallville, but then again what is? Tom Welling, the body of a 35 year old, playing a 16 year old boy. Now that's humour.

M!F!B! Thinks everyone should calm down. If you're all getting this upset about a film, imagine the hysteria when General Zod comes down here for real. You'll all be calling for your precious Superman then won't you? M!F!B! can guarantee that when he walks in fumbling around with his glasses and tripping over tables, none of you will appreciate it. The only one he'll save is Movie! Film! Blog! and so he fucking well should. You make us sick.

Movie! Film! Blog! awards Man of Steel 7 stars (pun intended...space and shit.)

CC

[moviefilmblog-blog]

Rebellion!

Rebellion! Dir. Matthieu Kassovitz. Starring Matthieu Kassovitz.

Normally M!F!B! Will normally half heartedly apologise for long breaks between reviews and you, dear reader of Movie! Film! Blog! should already be familiar with the motions – the casually seductive raising of an eyebrow, the nonchalant avoidance of the splash of bourbon/brandy swilling round the glass, the ever increasing slur at the end of M!F!B!'s words. It's always too late when the realisation strikes you – you've been Don Draper'd into accepting one blog shaped hand on your rear and another lighting the cigarette that was put between your lips with the accompanying line whispered very loudly into your now damp ear, “It'll never happen again”. It's always way too late when you realise it has happened again and far, far too late when you realise you're in a bar with a womanising drunk who only exists on the internet. But at least you're out of the house.

Movie! Film! Blog! is sorry but you'll find no apology here.

Movie! Film! Blog! was looking forward to writing about Rebellion. Matthieu Kassovitz made La Haine (which won a throughly deserved 7 stars in the early nineties French language Blog! De Films! Cinématographiques!) and was in Amelie. He's also been in a murder mystery with Jean Reno, thus ticking off many boxes that M!F!B! expects from it's favourites (see Willem Dafoe and Matthew McConaughey). It's way too late though. M!F!B! saw Rebellion, you didn't, and that's just the way it is.

Rebellion get's 7 stars but Movie! Film! Blog! only remembers that it was French, true and serious and it's hopelessly under-qualified to give a proper opinion on such subject matter.

SB

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DARK SKIES!

Dark Skies! Dir. Scott Stewart. Starring Keri Russell, Josh Hamilton and Dakota Goyo.

Dark Skies? Slightly overcast at best.

Dark Skies get's 7 stars.

SB

[moviefilmblog-blog]

The Place Beyond The Pines!!!!

The Place Beyond The Pines! (15) Dir. Derek Cianfrance. Starring. Ryan Gosling, Eva Mendes, Ray Liotta, Bradley Cooper.

From what Movie! Film! Blog! could gather, the place beyond the pines is situated around the state of New York, which doesn't really make a lot of sense considering that a skyscraper fails to make an appearance in this 67 hour long epic.

However, the place beyond the pines is also a real mind bender. It is a place where riding motorbikes without helmets and getting awful tattoos in the font of your favourite metal band instantly makes that person cool. It is a place where people smoke ALL THE TIME. It is a place where you can easily access and play with guns. It is essentially a place where your impressionable 15 year old can be easily influenced to do incredibly stupid things in order to feel better about themselves. Luckily, Movie! Film! Blog! has an incredibly strong sense of self and will not be brainwashed by such ridiculous notions.

Regrettably, M!F!B! is afraid that it cannot finish this review, as it is currently riding a motorbike, helmetless, to a bank that it plans to rob whilst shooting its gun in the air and smoking. Always smoking. Might even hit up the tattoo parlour afterwards and get "COME AS YOU ARE" in squiggly writing across it's neck.

One can only wish that your child has the same sense of self as the admirable M!FB!....Who are we kidding?

Your child is a fucking joke.

The Place Beyond The Pines receives 7 abs, taken directly from Mr. Gosling's rippling stomach.

CC

[moviefilmblog-blog]

TRANCE!

TRANCE! (15) Dir. Danny Boyle. Starring James McAvoy.

And so, after a self imposed and rather prolonged period of post-existential isolationism Movie! Film! Blog! has decided that imitators simply be haters in a familiar guise and is sure now that no other blog can match M!F!B! for wit, charm or sloppy and overly long paragraph introductions. So we're back (long time fans may also recall Movie! Film! Blog! as being the number one online destination for non-resolved confusion over singular or plural grammatical person (And pointless parentheses!)).

This'll be short. Toddler steps.

Now that the humour is out of the way M!F!B! would like to get to the real point of this review. Today there were far too many dishes in the sink. By far too many, Movie! Film! Blog! means an amount that transgresses the acceptable limit of one large plate, one chipped large glass, one Chelsea Champions of Europe 2012 mug (also chipped) and cutlery. Another definition that may more clearly explain an unacceptable limit– these were not M!F!B!'s fucking dishes. So washing began. As did rage. As did an unexpected sense of transcendence.

The mind is a strange thing and its own is something that Movie! Film! Blog! has wrestled with since its inception (once you get to the point where you're cocky enough to start a blog for everybody to see AND use words like transcendence and Champions of Europe in the same paragraph you'll understand the beginnings of this psychological cage fight). For the most part this conflict manifests on the page as a casual skirmish between two personalities with very slightly diverging literary senses (but both being part of Movie! Film! Blog!, both are great). This was different though. As the water and soap trickled down the plug hole M!F!B! got lost in time and for a moment became the first man who decided it was a good idea to use chemicals to clean things we're expected to eat off and simultaneously wash these chemicals down into the shared water supply, presumably so the populations insides could get a similar lemony freshness to that which M!F!B!'s baking tray had just acquired. This man is now incredibly rich. He is also incredibly evil. M!F!B! felt both of these things but wasn't strong enough to change history. If Movie! Film! Blog! had a stronger mind we would this day probably be eating from slightly dirtier plates but probably wouldn't have to worry about North Korea.

Back in the room and the dishes were done. With the chores and post-existential isolation out of the way M!F!B! Finally felt comfortable enough to sit down and continue reviewing films.

All you need to know about Trance is that it has full frontal female nudity, isn't as good as Danny Boyle's only good film (obviously Sunshine) and it gets 7 stars.

SB

[moviefilmblog-blog]

Lincoln!

Lincoln! (12A) Dir. Steven Spielberg. Starring. Daniel Day Lewis, Sally Field, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tommy Lee Jones.

Lincoln. The second film that Move! Film! Blog! has seen about slavery in as many weeks. Does this mean that slavery is now trendy? M!F!B! sincerely hopes not, but who knows what those hipsters will think of next? First it's moustaches and tweed jackets.....It's a slippery slope. ANYHOW.

Being both ignorant and not an American citizen (M!F!B! holds citizenship for no country, it merely floats from country to country in the ether) M!F!B! really didn't know what to expect from old Abe. Having an incredibly feeble grasp of Politics did not help either, but M!F!B! soldiered on.

This film is very wordy. Lots of words. It's mainly nearly 3 hours of conversations between men with excellent beards, and Aunt May from the new Spider-Man films. Now if you like intense conversations about politics, slavery and the like, this film is definitely your cup of tea. However, if words aren't really your thing, and beards don't impress you, this may not be the film for you. M!F!B! spent almost 50% of the film gazing at Daniel Day Lewis's chin, silently pondering whether it would one day be able to grow such an impressive goatee.  

Another issue pondered by M!F!B!, was Daniel Day Lewis's performance. Now, M!F!B! was informed before the film (this is a true story apparently), that Mr. Lewis was invited to have dinner at a family home during filming, and being the lovely man he is, he graciously accepted, but added on the end, "I will be in method though, so you will have to refer to me as Mr. Lincoln". Now, the household felt it would not be able to accomodate this and therefore the invitation was revoked. But M!F!B!'s question is this; What is Daniel Day Lewis basing his performance on?!

Ignorance once again prevailing, M!F!B! scoured the internet for information. It would seem that M!F!B! was right to ponder, because according to a youtube comment (the highest and most valid source of information) it is common knowledge that there is not audio recording of Mr Lincoln's voice. SO WHAT IS HE BASING THE VOICE ON?

M!F!B! doesn't know. Don't be so lazy. Go and find out you oafs.

As for the rest of his performance, the storytelling, the slow deliberate movements....M!F!B! doesn't know that either and it doesn't care to look for you. All M!F!B! knows is that this film may have been improved by a giant shark, an extra-terrestrial, a massive truck, an adventurer with a whip....Not to say that it's a bad film. Just a bit wordy.

Lincoln receives 7 stars for it's beards alone.

CC

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DJANGO UNCHAINED!

Django Unchained! (18) Dir. Quentin Tarantino. Starring Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz, Leonardo DiCaprio, Samuel L Jackson.

HELLO FRIENDS! Apologies for the absence, Movie! Film! Blog! has literally only just recovered from Willem Dafoe day. M!F!B! Partied harder than any of you could ever possibly imagine, regardless of how much 'cat' you intend on consuming, you filthy animals (GEDDIT?)

All puns aside though, M!F!B truly hopes you enjoyed Willem Dafoe day. It just seems wrong that there is only one day a year where we get to celebrate his genius. If possible, M!F!B! suggests that you try and take a moment every day, just to consider Willem, and his beautiful breasts. M!F!B! is also pretty certain that Willem is currently providing the voice of a small polar bear in the Birds Eye adverts. Yet another fantastic turn. 

Moving on from Willem (sadly), M!F!B! can confirm that it did recently view Django unchained. The story of a slave, on a quest to save his beloved from a plantation called 'Candyland'.

(Whilst M!F!B! cannot deny that it was gutted that upon their arrival, it was not Gene Wilder in his fantastic purple jacket surrounded by Oompa Loompa's that greeted Django, M!F!B! was still fairly satisfied with a rather hairy version of Leonardo DiCaprio surrounded by slaves instead. M!F!B! can neither confirm nor deny that Gene Wilder may have been a better option though.)

Talking of better options, M!F!B! can't help but wonder if this film would have perhaps benefited from a sneaky cameo from the one and only Tom Cruise? M!F!B! uses the term cameo loosely. Instead of a sneaky cameo, let's say...a sneaky main role. Django, to be precise. 

Now M!F!B! is taking nothing away from Jamie Foxx. He was definitely very good at pretending to be Django. However, M!F!B! can't help but feel that Tom Cruise would have done a better job of pretending to be Django. To be honest, Tom Cruise is the best pretender (Okay, "ACTOR")  there is, so this really isn't a slight on Jamie Foxx. Tom could have played any role in the entire film and made it his own, M!F!B! just feels that he was PERFECTLY suited for the role of Django. The African-American slave. (If you are currently questioning this then you have failed the 'Am I a racist?' test and need to drive yourself down to the local police station, explain what has just happened and submit yourself to prison at once.)

Imagine. Christoph Waltz bends down...twists the key to unlock Django's shackles...He gazes up into Django's eyes, and Django utters the immortal line... "You had me at Hello", thus proving he was more than capable of playing both Jerry Maguire AND Dorothy Boyd (Renée Zellweger's annoying character).

CREDITS

Django Unchained is absolutely brilliant and receives 7 stars. It may have received more had it taken into account M!F!B!'s drastic changes. M!F!B! also accepts that it may have offended you. M!F!B! would like to take this opportunity to apologise. Just joking, M!F!B! absolutely does NOT care about your feelings. 

CC

[moviefilmblog-blog]

The best day of the year. Here's to you Willem. #willemdafoeday

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TOM CRUISE ON THE GRAHAM NORTON SHOW!!!!!!

Go to Google. 

Type in 'Tom Cruise" 

Then the letter G.

What do you see?

Movie!Film!Blog! sees it too. Therefore, Tom Cruise on The Graham Norton show was a mouthwatering prospect for any diehard Cruise fan. Will there be chemistry? Will he jump on the sofa and declare his love for the beloved Irish chat host?! 

The answer was no. In fact, he didn't do much of anything. He came on for about 10 minutes, just sort of giggled and looked slightly embarrassed as everyone gushed over him, (not that embarrassed though) did some lines from his films and then left. 

Then the rest of the guests came on. M!F!B! was heartbroken. What has the world come to if Tom Cruise hasn't even got time to jump on a medium sized piece of furniture? Perhaps he's still too sad about his divorce and is finding it difficult making public appearances? 

OR PERHAPS THE ALIENS HAVE FINALLY TAKEN HIM.

M!F!B! still loves you Tom, whatever species you may be.

Jack Reacher will be reviewed in the not too distant future. In a galaxy far far away. 

CC

[moviefilmblog-blog]

LIFE OF PI!

Life of Pi! Dir. Ang Lee. Starring Suraj Sharma and Irrfan Khan.

3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971 6939937510 5820974944592307816406286208998628034825 3421170679 8214808651328230664709384460955058223172 5359408128 4811174502841027019385211055596446229489 5493038196 4428810975665933446128475648233786783165 2712019091 4564856692346034861045432664821339360726 0249141273 7245870066063155881748815209209628292540 9171536436 7892590360011330530548820466521384146951 9415116094 3305727036575959195309218611738193261179 3105118548 0744623799627495673518857527248912279381 8301194912 9833673362440656643086021394946395224737 1907021798 6094370277053921717629317675238467481846 7669405132 0005681271452635608277857713427577896091 7363717872 1468440901224953430146549585371050792279 6892589235 4201995611212902196086403441815981362977 4771309960 5187072113499999983729780499510597317328 1609631859.....

If there's anything Movie! Film! Blog! loves more than words, it's numbers.

Despite not being the sequel to Darren Aronofsky's film Pi that most of the disappointed film going public were expecting (another disappointment being the lack of inclusion of cinemas most engaging shipwreck character actor - Wilson from Castaway) M!F!B! is still enamoured enough by the infinite non-repetitive cyclical nature of this films mathematical backbone (Movie! Film! Blog! sees something of its own nature within those numbers) to award Life of Pi 7 stars.

SB

[moviefilmblog-blog]

THE HOBBIT!

THE HOBBIT! Dir. Peter Jackson. Starring Martin Freeman, Ian Mckellen, Andy Serkis.

It's been noted by regular readers of Movie! Film! Blog! (both of them) that M!F!B! is horrendously inconsistent from post to post. Morphology, syntax and vocabulary all change as mysteriously as a woman's heart and this phenomena has apparently left M!F!B!'s readers as confused as the table in the pub trying to work out who's round it is when one of their number turned up late and messed up the system. Despite having more mood swings then a cricket bat on suicide watch (or indeed, more points of view then a kaleidoscope taking an eye test. Decide as applicable) M!F!B! can only be M!F!B! and will not endeavour to change.

Fear not though. Movie! Film! Blog! does love it's readers (both of you) more deeply then you could possibly know. For this reason alone it's giving you an insight into it's beating heart, so as the posts seem change from first person/third person/passive/hilarious/angry/properly structured/spell checked/utter tosh you will have an anchor in M!F!B!'s swashbuckling literary storm.

Movie! Film! Blog! fucking loves the Lord Of The Rings.

(A bold statement. Whilst not a lie, it's also not entirely true. Well, it's true, but it doesn't offer the complete set of facts. Single line statements are a cheap trick used by M!F!B! that serve as a sexy smack in the mouth in the same way that full paragraphs can either be a sensual hump or unexpectedly titillating dinner date (delete as applicable). What Movie! Film! Blog! really means is that it loves the entire Tolkien mythology. It starts with a being called Eru singing, and thus creating lesser Gods and beings who begin to sing with Eru. Melkor (one of the Gods) decides to sing a different song and some others join him. It sounds awful, but Eru weaves both songs together into a cosmological mash up that everyone actually quite likes. They finish and realise that they have sung the entire history of the world. Some of the Gods then decide to have a go at turning this vision into reality and pop down to Arda (the world). It's really dark so they build two massive lamps. Melkor being Melkor knocks these lamps over. So the Gods turn the lamps into trees and tell him to do one. The Gods wait around for a while and make dwarfs, then lock them up in a mountain for later. Then Elves pop up near where Melkor lives, so the Gods kick the living daylights out of Melkor and put him under house arrest near them. The Elves come to live with the Gods. One of them called Feanor is great at making things and turns the leaves of the special trees into 3 massive jewels. Melkor gets a giant Spider to eat the trees, steals the jewels and runs off. The spider eats one of the jewels. The Elf Feanor starts calling Melkor Morgoth and runs after him to get his jewellery back. The Gods say leave it, he tells them to do one and brings a load of Elves back with him to middle earth. On their way they kill a load of other elves, knick their boats and leave half of their group behind. This half decides to take the long way and walk. Morgoth, being a God, kills Feanor and tells the Elves to do one. The other Elves arrive and are well pissed off about the boats. These guys argue amongst themselves for thousands of years. Men show up. They all decide the best thing to do is to not let Morgoth out of his house, so Morgoth makes a dragon that tells everyone to do one before turning them into toast. After another few hundred years a man called Beren falls in love with an elf called Luthien. They literally walk into Morgoths house and take a Big Jewel from him. Their son Earendil then sticks it on his boat and sails off to ask the other Gods to sort out Morgoth. They turn up and do with such simplicity that it makes a mockery of the thousands of years of suffering endured by man, elf and dwarf. The Gods simply turned around and said “We're the Aristocrats!!!!!”

To this, everybody said 'do one'.)

There's such a lot happening in the other Tolkien source material that it seems strange to Movie! Film! Blog! that The Hobbit is being stretched to a trilogy (it being a footnote in the grander history of Middle Earth). Fortune telling isn't our racket though and M!F!B! will not predict how that works out. Nor will it mention if 48fps is the future of cinema as M!F!B! didn't bother looking for a cinema showing that. If there's one thing the Movie! Film! Blog! doesn't do it's make up information or opinions about things it knows nothing about (except in many cases where it does that).

But here's another gift to you readers – an opinion! The Hobbit is decent. Despite none of the dwarfs being as good as any of the Fellowship at anything, Gandalf suddenly being really good at using magic as a weapon (remember when R2D2 starting flying in the Star Wars prequels and you thought “Why haven't you been doing that for years!? It's so helpful!” It's like that) and Gollum looking more like Andy Serkis than ever it did zip by and made M!F!B! laugh, cry and genuinely look forward to the next two films.

For this The Hobbit gets 7 stars and a smack in the mouth.

SB

[moviefilmblog-blog]

GREAT EXPECTATIONS!

Great Expectations! Dir. Mike Newell. Starring Ralph Fiennes, Helena Bonham Carter.

Movie! Film! Blog!s chief great expectation is for Rafa Benitez to rekindle Fernando Torres's sparkling Liverpool form for Chelsea. 417 goals in 19 games and the ability to put a cheeky smile on prolific frowner Stevie Gerrard's face is all that was asked of him before and HOTDAMN did he deliver. God knows that Ancelotti, Villas Boas and Di Matteo all tried their hardest, but neither Ancelotti's saucy humour nor Villas Boas's unbelievable set of knock knock jokes could rouse Torres's fun loving goal scoring nature. Maybe it's just harder to make John Terry laugh? But goals is goals and Movie!Film!Blog! trusts Benitez implicitly. After all, the man looks like a cross between a clown and the McDonald’s hamburgler. He is also a hilariously serious blogger (similar in fact to this very blog. The only difference being that M!F!B! is seriously hilarious....like the other way around. Forget it.)

Movie!Film!Blog! Would also like to pin its great expectations upon winning more than a pound on scratchcards, finding that perfect Christmas sweater, and girls not upsetting it anymore. Unfortunately, M!F!B! Doubts that any of that will happen.

Great Expectations gets 7 stars and everyone knows the story already or has seen the really good old version of the film so should do what M!F!B! has done and not bother with this one.

Rafas blog gets 7 stars and is definitely worth a look. Especially if you want to read something that makes you laugh. Because, as you've probably realised by the end of this lazy post, you're really in the wrong place for that.

SB

[moviefilmblog-blog]

M!F!B! WILL NOT APOLOGISE!!!!!

Yeah, M!F!B went missing for a while. "Where have you been M!F!B!?" You ask. Well, that is a question that really doesn't have a definitive answer. M!F!B! is everywhere. It's there when you wake up in the morning and there when you close your eyes at night (and perhaps briefly open them again, depending on whether you're going to sleep or simply blinking). 

The main point here is that M!F!B! is back after it's sabbatical and it still doesn't give a fuck. M!F!B! might even tell you to 'suck it' at this point, if M!F!B! had an 'it' to suck.

M!F!B! understands that you may be craving some reviews though. M!F!B! understands that you need our hard hitting articles and rating before you risk seeing a movie. So here are the ratings of some of the films M!F!B! may or may not have seen recently. Whatever.

SKYFALL - 7 STARS

BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD - 7 STARS

TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN II - 7 STARS

GRASSROOTS - 7 STARS

ARGO - 7 STARS

THE MASTER - 7 STARS

THE HOUSE I LIVE IN - 7 STARS

RUST AND BONE - 7 STARS

YOU'RE WELCOME.

CC