@mqqish - Tumblr Blog

I don’t know. I see myself turning back to being the insecure guy I was when I was 16 years old. Relationship is in the worst position ever. I’m trying to fix it all and it seems no matter what I do or what emotions I show they don’t matter. Its making me feel insecure. These feelings haven’t been here for a long time now. I need to change my way of thinking. Otherwise I will turn into the guy I was all those years ago. I’m going to be more confident. More self assured. She doesn’t care about me. I wish it wasn’t that way but its my own fault. The only thing I’m going to do is take myself and put myself against the wall and change everything. I need more healthy thinking. I’m fighting for our relationship. I’m thinking she might notice how serious I am about everything and how much I care about her. There’s not a sliver of me that wants to say ”fuck it its not worth it”. There were just these feelings returning. But I’m putting a stop to it. I will stop going back to being the insecure guy. I’m not ever going back there.

#her

Tomorrow I was supposed to have a presentation for school. But it got moved to today so my schedule became empty. I also know she doesn’t work tomorrow. Found out she is meeting her old friends tomorrow or one of them or something. Kind of wish I could be there for her and drive her. I really miss her. She doesn’t want me to and thats fine. She should really reconnect with those friends of hers. I haven’t met them these years but thats probably because she doesn’t meet them even rarely. I really wouldn’t mind though. Atleast those she has told me about are actually nice people. Still I don’t feel comfortable having her taking train and stuff especially during these times. I hope this corona stuff passes by. I miss going to places with her. I was planning on surprising her with a short trip to the capital at the end of May but that plan went down really quick since they said travelling there is super risky and forbidden. I’m trying to figure out a new plan but if things dont get better soon in the world its going to be tough, might have to surprise her with a cat at home instead or something. Sucks not being able to go anywhere. Things aren’t great between us right now either and its all my fault. I really want to show her that I’m better than what I have shown her. I love her with all of my heart. I need to show her that I love her. That she is the most important person for me. I’ve been a total dick to her. I want to make her smile again. Her smile is the brightest thing of any day. I started doing daily workouts at home and started having a daily skin routine. I feel fresher than before. I felt like a lazy slob before. Even started putting a set amount of time into my studies every day. I’ve been stuck in life and she has been stuck with me. Ive been Stuck in this house with my family. They have alwys supported me but I still feel like I want to move away. I want to move away with her. Not just to a house. I just want to move forward in life. With her. Im not used to this writing stuff. It feels nice though. Ive got so many thoughts especially of her. Feels nice to get them out somehow.

#her

Its been so long since I took out this app. I’ve got nobody to talk to and I’m so angry. I’m so furious and annoyed and ugh. Sleeping after a fight like this must be the biggest challenge I know. All I actually want to do is freaking talk to her. I just want her to understand me. I want her to be my partner. This bed feels empty. Everything does. It feels awkward to write here. My mind is just blurred with emotions. I’m just so.. I don’t even know anymore. My emotions changed 100 times while writing this. I feel like I was so rude to her when I got so freaking pissed. I’m still pissed. God. We said end of discussion. I don’t feel like it ended. Still want to talk to her. Keep her company at this time of night. I know I could use some too. Its always so quiet when I don’t have her. She’s just.. the best. Still I’m so angry.. ugh. God knows I would do anything for her. Why am I so angry. Late nights are a pain. They’re even worse when she’s not around just in a call or something. I don’t think I would be able to talk to her right now though. I hope she understands that I’m changing. Usually we would never talk. This is one of the few times I’m furious about an argument or discussion. I’m not comfortable with it. Its definitely something we need though. Our relationship won’t last if we don’t show when we’re angry. Or annoyed. Or just fkn pissed. And now that I’m pissed i don’t know what to do with the excess feelings. I’m just here. Writing.

#her