Responsibility, Not Privilege
“Look for someone who is hardwired for responsibility.”
This is what my friend @instructor144 told me the last time I was looking for a Dom. My style of submission is a peculiar combination of little and slave. This means that, on the whole, I am needy as fuck. I give deeply and completely, but I also need and expect a lot from my Dom. My maintenance plan includes frequent contact and tugs on the leash, as well as regular spankings. I need to feel my Dom’s presence before I can lay my submission at his feet.
Then I found Master. Or, he found me. Responsibility is so deeply ingrained in him that he knows no other way. His first step in our relationship was to read “the manual"—nearly everything I’d ever written about D/s. He said it was the best way to learn me deeply enough to accept responsibility for me. His ownership revolves around making the best use of his property. He guides and shapes me to become the best version of myself. He puts my needs first, even at a cost to himself. Being with him is like seeing the ocean for the first time. I’m not sure how far it goes or how deep it is, but it feels huge. Almost endless. There is so much I want to give him. So much we have left to share.
But it is his deep sense of responsibility that allows me to give deeply as his slave. When my submissive friends talk about their search for a Dom, I realize just how lucky I am. It is hard to find someone hardwired for responsibility. But it’s nonnegotiable for me. I know I need a Dom whose ownership is intense and unrelenting, whose presence is my sanctuary. Quite simply, he has to be there. No matter what. I need someone who understands that the core of dominance is responsibility, not privilege.
So how can you tell? Many Doms understand responsibility on an intellectual level, but they aren’t hardwired for it in D/s—on both sides of the slash. Sometimes open-ended questions can help. I always ask a prospective Dom questions like, What do you miss most about D/s when you don’t have it? When a Dom responds with something sexual, I know we aren’t a good match. I love sex and crave a spanking as much as the next submissive girl. But sexual access is a privilege of dominance, not part of the responsibility. When a Dom talks about the depth of the connection, we are on the right track. Connections require commitment and responsibility; spankings do not.
There are other ways. Look at where they choose to spend their time. Look at how they handle days when they just really don’t wanna do anything. We all have them; it’s how a person handles them that sets them apart. What do they let slide? What do they make sure they do? It gives you a clue to how a person might approach D/s on days when they aren’t feeling it. Will they honor their commitment? Do they truly understand the responsibility of power exchange? Or are they in it for the privilege?
It’s not just Doms though. It is hard to find a submissive who approaches the role from the perspective of responsibility, not privilege. Being spanked and used and given or denied an orgasm is a privilege. It’s not what sustains a dynamic though. Sometimes you have to follow a bedtime rule because your Dom knows you haven’t been sleeping well. Sometimes you have to finish your chores before you can edge or have an orgasm. Sometimes you have to take care of your sick Dom and cancel a desperately needed scene. Submissives have a responsibility to understand and fulfill their Dominant’s needs, and they have a responsibility to maintain the integrity of the dynamic. Obey when obedience is hard. Serve as instructed and trust in your Dom’s judgment. Communicate when obedience and trust are hard so your Dom can make adjustments. Submissives must be hardwired for responsibility, too.
Responsibility is what truly sustains the dynamic for Dominants and submissives. Privilege is fun, and it’s easier to see. You match up your fetish lists. You exchange a few messages about how you’d like to control or be controlled. But privilege does not open doors. It does not build trust. It doesn’t feed your soul. If you want a life built on D/s, look for responsibility. It is so much harder to find, but so worth it when you do.
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