ššššĀ ššĀ ššĀ ššĀ šššĀ šššššššĀ ššššššš.
these are taken from the show with the same title, may have triggering mentions, please read and reblog with caution, feel free to adjust any that you deem necessary.
tonight is a good night for the other guy, not me, to die.
they would call me the relentless because i would never relent.
being a vampireās familiar is like being a best friend.
i would like us to get a colorful dust that sparkles.
i want to do something special for the immortal oneās arrival.
i am going to sprinkle it on my face and on my body. like twilight.
do you remember that first time we made love?
it was so passionate, i accidentally cut off your head.
all secret meetings take place in the fancy room.
you know what iāve always wanted to try?
youāre protecting a vast empire.
weāve been very careful not to stand out.
am i a morning person? that would be an enthusiastic yes.
we all know that sounds cool.
from panera bread you came, and to panera bread you shall return.
what is āariseā again? control-alt-seven?
my friends have noticed mood swings, unusual cravings -
itās become pretty clear to me that iām becoming a vampire.
i have this urge to turn my roommate to shredsā¦
the smell of beef and sulphur is overwhelming.
i could smell it on him, it comes from the groin.
i could sense he was getting more and more sad recently.
vampires have huge respect for owls.
they donāt give a āhootā where they dump their scat.
vampires love virgins. itās their favorite food.
fuck that guy for making me think i need to act more aloof!
vampire roommatesā¦ theyāre forever.
what kind of goat sorcery is this?
iām not really sure what my deal is.
iām not going to do this if heās pissing on the wall.
we were so poor we used to used donkey dong for fuel.
i canāt stand up, if you know what i mean.
what the fuck would anyone want with canada?
i would like us to get a colorful dust that sparkles.
we should feast on virgin blood.
you might bite someone, and then you think āooh, those are some nice pants!ā.
vampires donāt like nuns.
when you become a vampire, you become veryā¦sexy.
this is what happens when youāre a vampire. you have to watch everyone die.
weāre vampires. we donāt put down towels.
at first i wanted to kill him, but now iām glad i spent time to get to know him.
just leave me to do my dark bidding on the internet!
at the start i was like āoh no, like i'mā iām deadā.
itās kinda affected my friendship with normal people and my family and stuff.
the movie ātwilightā. have you seen it?
what, i canāt sunbathe? i canāt watch daytime TV?
iām over being a vampire. itās shit, so don'tā¦donāt believe the hype.
you have not done the dishes for five years!
itās unacceptable to have so many bloody dishes all over this bench like there.
iām so embarrassed when people come over here.
you bring them over, you kill them!
i think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool.
the neighbors can see you flying around the house.
do you want to draw attention to this house, hmm?
youāve got a whole documentary group following you around.
weāre werewolves, not swear-wolves.
shut up! youāre not twilight!
you canāt go to the ball as blade. heās a vampire hunter.
you will not eat the camera guy!
you ruined it. i was in the zone.
what are you doing tonight? are you going to kill some perverts?
i go for a look which i call dead but delicious.
get away from the sunlight!
why donāt you go smell your own crotches, huh?
more police will come. possibly even christains, which is totally the last thing we need.
we drank the blood of some people but the people were on drugs.
we drank ā ā weāve done some drug blood.
you are supposed to support me when i want to kill someone!
someday they will all be dead.
how many more women have you slept with that just have long, dark hair?
this is horse piss. we are vampires.
you are a lying piece of old cabbage!
i mean, how old are you, nine ā ninety?
do you have long left, do you think?
but a ghost? thatās where we draw the line.
maybe i should just bring a broom down here for you.
you have a very, very special power.
draculaās in the house!
iām sorry, vampires are real but ghosts are not?
i just want to make sure weāre on the same page.
the witches have been toying with our rugs again.
please get some witch-proof carpet tape and tape that rug down!
i am a little disappointed i didnāt get to be a american citizen.
i was really looking forward to buying a gun.
oh, you donāt need to be a citizen to get a gun. theyāll give those to anyone.
get up and stand on this ceiling like a man.
itās quite amazing to see how far technology can go forward if youāre not paying attention.
i have been very unhappy since you left.
i just want to know what i can do to bring you back home.
itās very difficult for me to say, so just let me get this out.
oh, that, thatās just my body spray. itās axe.
you heard what he said. he knows weāre vampires.
we are just talking a nice shit together.
is there something you havenāt been telling us?
donāt care what the fuck your name is.
this was probably the way he wanted to go.
you know, when you care about someone and they just walk out the door.
thatās the tenth vampire i killed this month!
i canāt tell him iām a vampire killer because then heād have to kill me.
can you dust more quietly please? iām trying to sleep.
all we need to do is send that to ten friends or foes by sunrise and the curse will be lifted.
where are we going to get the email addresses, the email address shop?
iām guessing thatāll be closed this time of night.
i was just checking my emails, i didnāt know it would be full of curses!
i swear i am going to rip that man into shreds and make a dress out of it.
iāve been watching a lot of shark tank lately.
thereās no such thing as vampire killers, you knob lord.
yes, i suppose i am a little bit stressed.
all i need is myself. iām my own best friend now.
itās like their souls are dead or something.
who doesnāt want to be a vampire?
you havenāt had an original idea since 1925.
come over here and put your neck in my mouth.
you have to get up and do itĀ ācause i canāt get up.
what is this feeling i am feeling?
grief. i donāt care for it.
would you mind staying with me for a few moments, just until i fall asleep?
i donāt wish to be murdered in my slumber.
thatās very frowned upon in the vampire community.
i want you to know that you are my friend.
okay, youāre getting into some of your personal issues now.
i found out that my own familiar was killing vampires.
we should finish each other off and tell no one?
why is there all this dust on the floor in the shape of a body?
were you trying to make a girlfriend out of dust?
i will kill you! i will absolutely kill you!
the issue here is that iām an invader and i was invading.
if youāre going to eat a victim on my nice, clean couch put down some newspaper!
well, that didnāt go so great. i hit the main artery, so yeah, itās a real mess.
donāt look, my sweet darling, itās too dangerous.
vampires have had a pretty bad rep.
weāre not these mopey old creatures who live in castles- well some.
theyāre like one big circle just biting each otherās dicks.
you know they donāt even wear shirts, they were blouses.
well, whatās your power?
i am an excellent crawler.
we will never forget that battle.
well, are you gonna be alright without me?
that is worse than a bible- that burns my eyes.
we are the bait but weāre also the trap.
iām not a total monster.
i became a vampire at sixteen. that is why i always look sixteen.
i have received a message from a slouching beast in the night!
do you think i might have rabies now?
a church. makes me nervous to say the word.
iām going to check my hotmail.
password? what is my password?
itās a glitter portrait. itās a portrait made from glitter.
look, its you! i made you a vampire.
i think heās going to make me a vampire.
this is always really scary part for me.
so itās 6pm in the night timeā¦ which is when i wake up.Ā
i donāt want to know about that. stop gloating.
what are you doing with your hand? how dare you!
do you have any proof of this wild accusation?
while you were out running your errand, we were in very serious danger.
we could have been killed tonight, did you know that?
this is my office, also known as the hunting ground.
energy vampires drain peopleās energy just by talking to them.
i donāt know about you, old chap, but i have raging hard on.
my darling, every time dough boy turns up, you start crying.
i decided to bite her and weāre going to be together forever.
we just thoughtĀ āto hell with itā you know?
well, donāt appear as a mist on the lawn then, you prick.
you canāt be fighting with werewolves on the lawn.
youāre still angry about that vampire that tried to eat you, arenāt you?
you promised you would turn me into a vampire.
it has been so long, you look the same.
itās like theyāre vampires or something.
to be honest, i donāt really care about being a vampire.
when i turn into a bat, thereās no real skill to it at all, i just shoutĀ ābat!ā
your screaming disturbed me from my slumber.
you wouldnāt like it if a spider came to your house and dusted, would you?
save your confession until after i am dead.
why the hell would you be here for me?
thereās a fucking ghost on the front lawn!
iāll do this just to show you how dumb you are.
i was being a vapor and i got sucked into an air purifier.
five spits for an enemy, lilith.
i havenāt slept in seventy - two hours.
now we are ready to go into town and party.
titsay
ellievsbear
germansingergirl
tangentwithtanner
turnnoffyourmind
gamechangershow
