soliloquy

Day by day. No plans. No rush decisions.

[mrjosuico]

It’s in the separation that feels and understands the strength with which you love.

(Fyodor Dostoievski)

23 Oct 2019

[mrjosuico]

[mrjosuico]

October 21

Me: Valar Morghuris

3: valar dohaeris jaja

[mrjosuico]

Unexpected call

My ex-boyfriend called this morning.

It felt very weird after knowing that my walls are already broken. But as we were talking I remembered all those times which caused that wall to be built. And at some point, because of what happened recently, I found myself crying again. That heart break, that pain which took away my dreams and desires.

But I realized I don't hate him at all. I pity him with what happened before with the two of us and the situation that he is suffering now with his wife and unemployment. I feel sorry for him. I want to help him but honestly there is nothing I can do anymore, only to pray for him too. Remember, love or pity? Now I realized with him it was all pity.

Then I remembered how that wall was already broken, that night which rebuilt my heart's deepest desire. I closed eyes and think of you.

Even with tears on my eyes, I smiled thinking of you. - 3

[mrjosuico]

When my little sister caught me crying at the corner, she took this silly picture...

[mrjosuico]

October 20

3: I like to make you smile ☺

Me: It's more than just a smile. You make me happy and at peace.

[mrjosuico]

No matter where it is in the sky... No matter where you are in the world... The moon is never bigger than your thumb.

Dear John (10/19/2019)

[mrjosuico]

Week review

Wow! This week has been crazy.

Since arriving from the convivence last weekend, tons of work are on pile to be done the soonest. Although its a lot, its a good way to pass the time and get my mind occupied.

But it was an additional stress when this guy wouldn't stop bothering me. He kept sending me messages, first sweet and caring but later on when I didn't reply (in obedience to the instruction) he started to send hate messages. But I still didn't reply. Until he started sending me emails but his excused was he was trying to send something. Honestly I thought that this parcel was from the community, so I replied to him only the information that was needed. And clearly stated that he didn't have to do it.

Then later on, he started calling me on our family landline. First I wasn't at home so he insisted to have a conversation with my younger brother. Second, i actually decided to talk to him explaining clearly, word for word, that I am not interested of him and his offers and that I am trying to obey an instruction. I even told him "please leave me alone". So he stop calling but the next day his parcel arrived. There was nothing from the community. Just from him, that book (that I purposely left), an Italian covered tiny notebook, my Sanji toys, and a letter that my younger sister throwed up on. The next day he sent a friend request to my sister.

It was still going on and it started to bother my family too, so I had to talk to the responsible there. He needs help but surely not from me.

I am deeply sorry for putting him in this state and possible depression. But honestly he is better off without me. And perhaps everyone does too. I know I am dangerous, that's proven over all these years. I destroy people's lives even without trying to. It is my nature. I meet people and just end up hurting them. But this is me.

For that guy, I hope all great things for him and may he find the right girl who would love him in return.

For me, I am better off alone. Although I know I am not completely alone. I have Him ☝️ and One in my heart. And that's enough for me.

[mrjosuico]

I am with you

[mrjosuico]

Dream

I dreamed about you again last night.

Amazing. Everything about you was so clear, your hair, your clothes, your face, your smile, your touch and your hug. It seemed so real.

You were wearing a white polo, black bow tie and a black suspender, standing at a stage with people around ready to vow.

I was at a far looking and asking someone to take away far from me all the knife around because I could have resulted to murder with all the pain. Then run off far... until I turned into an agent killing people - bad people. Then in a fight I got hurt so bad that they brought me on a hospital emergency bed.

Then you came. You came back for me.

You held my hands and kiss me on the forehead saying that I don't have to fight anymore because you are finally with me. You told me you didn't do that vow, and you choose to have this happy ending... our happy end.

*then I woke me up in the middle of the night... crying

[mrjosuico]

I miss you a lot

[mrjosuico]

At some point, I wish I could just sing this song and make everything better.

[mrjosuico]

And She was Gone

She chose to walk alone

Though others wondered why

Refused to look before her

Eyes cast upwards, towards the sky

She didn't have companions

No need for earthly things

She only wanted freedom

From what she felt were puppet strings

She longed to be a bird

That she might fly away

She pitied every blade of grass

For planted they would stay

She longed to be a flame

That brightly danced alone

Felt jealous of the steam

That made the air its only home

Some say she wished too hard

Some say she wished too long

But we awoke one autumn day

To find that she was gone

The trees, they say, stood witness

The sky refused to tell

But someone who had seen it

Said the story played out well

She spread her arms out wide

Breathed in the break of dawn

She just let go of all she held

And she was gone

[mrjosuico]

Dancing at the grocery store 😅

[mrjosuico]

Beginning of the Year Convivence 2019

[mrjosuico]

Did you know?

... squirrels cannot find 80% of the nuts they hide

[mrjosuico]

It isn't my birthday but I got myself a gift 😉

Feliz cumpleaños, Mahal