john mulaney starters. ( from various interviews & clips )
βΒ it was the best time. it was an innocent time. Β β
βΒ are we doing it correctlyΒ ?Β β
βΒ who am i talking aboutΒ ?Β youΒ ?Β β
β Β my neighbour was arrested by the fbi for being a cannibal. Β β
βΒ the fbi was swarming our lobby and arrested this guy at a six am raid.Β β
βΒ no, he never said to me in the elevatorΒ β guess what : i might be a cannibal. βΒ β
βΒ he was quiet but he was so hungry.Β β
βΒ weβve all been there.Β β
βΒ i really want that to be a lie. Β β
βΒ florida is the costco of upsetting people. Β β
βΒ it was like comic con but alcoholic. Β β
βΒ so, i put it in the refrigerator. i took the hat and i put it in the fridge. Β β
βΒ that is an interesting way to look at it. Β β
βΒ this guy touched my car and iβm gonna nail him. Β β
βΒ the mud on the carpetΒ ?Β oh, thatβs mineΒ ?Β alright. Β β
βΒ weβre a little different as people. Β β
βΒ thereβs always like five of his friends that he callsΒ β the homies β sleeping on the floor.Β β
βΒ these are like XXXL shirt and jacket with spongebob squarepants pajama bottoms. Β β
βΒ i must be the best person you know.Β β
βΒ youβre amongst weird company.Β β
βΒ at best, prom is like a wedding.Β β
β Β iβve never met anyone who had a good prom.Β β
βΒ you bought a limoΒ ?Β β
βΒ iβve been nervous for 35 years. Β β
βΒ they have a room for giraffes. Β β
βΒ noΒ !Β camels, not giraffesΒ !Β β
βΒ iβm just gonna sit here and eat popcorn.Β β
βΒ this is your day to stroke each other offΒ !Β β
βΒ warren, warren, warren. thatβs a weird name.Β β
βΒ we got high in my room.Β β
βΒ i would much rather eat potato chips on the sidewalk.Β β
βΒ i get scared at outdoor concerts.Β β
βΒ i eat the mushrooms. i eat them all and i start hallucinating, as one does. Β β
βΒ i watched a woman eat a hot dog over a garbage can and i stared at her like she was the mona lisa. Β β
βΒ why donβt you have a seatΒ ?Β everythingβs gonna be fine. Β β
βΒ i discard people when i donβt need them.Β β
βΒ much like tantric sex, itβs the same mess at the end.Β β
βΒ give me a vial of your urin and iβll do it. Β β
βΒ oh, look. we actually did it.Β β
βΒ the penis is triangle shaped. Β β
βΒ do not do that. because you could get hurt or worse.Β β
βΒ itβs calledΒ β violins against violence. βΒ β
βΒ but didnβt you listen to our whole philosophy thingΒ ?Β β
βΒ i know but itβs bullshit.Β β
βΒ oh, no. that was so long ago. who knows what happened in that dark tunnel. Β β
βΒ nope, there is no right way to say this. Β β
βΒ if youβre an adult male who sees no flaws in his father you are an insane person.Β β
βΒ listen to me. weβre going to win. this is going to be fantastic.Β β
βΒ iβm not mad at you about the marker. iβm not mad about the marker.Β β
βΒ if iβm mad at anyone, itβs the dog. Β β
βΒ oh, that spider is so turned on.Β β
stormborns
yousharknotpass
jimmyeatworldofficial
amandla
2087
gummygunk
