29 (last cuddle) I'll leave it up to you whether you want to write Willowen the night before Rob left or Donage the night Jason made up his mind to step away :)
(I decided to go with Donage)
“You can’t leave,” Howard turned to look at Jason in panic. “We can’t do this without you.”
He paused and looked down and murmured “*I* can’t do this without you.”
Jason sat down next to him and sighed. “This isn’t who I am anymore, How. I don’t belong here.”
Howard opened his mouth to protest but Jason stopped him.
“No...I don’t mean I’m not welcome...I know I am...but it’s a struggle for me, How. I’m not like you three. I don’t get music like you guys do and I’m too old to dance. I feel like a fraud carrying on and not really contributing.”
Howard hugged him tightly and said in a slightly fierce tone, “You are *not* a fraud and you *do* contribute, stop being daft!”
Jason gave him a grateful little half smile and kissed his forehead.
“Oh I know. Or at least I know if I tell myself enough. But that’s the trouble innit? I have to keep reassuring myself all the time and it’s exhausting, How. I’ve done it for a long time cos I think it was really important for us to do this second go round-really important for me, all of us really, as a healing thing and also, I’ve gotten a lot of joy from it, I really have, but…”
“You’re not getting joy from it anymore?” Howard looked stricken.
“Not really. Not enough to make the voices shut up. I haven’t for a long time, really. I stayed for Rob, cos I felt like it was important that we were all there for that and obviously he and I had things to clear up and needed to get good with each other and I’m grateful I did and that I have a relationship with him now but that’s done with and we’re back to where we were and I just can’t do it. I can’t do it anymore, How.”
He collapsed against Howard’s shoulder, blinking back tears.
“You *can* do it,” Howard started, speaking softly, “but you don’t *have* to, all right? Open door, remember?”
Jason looked at him with a mixture of relief and anxiety. “You’re okay, then? With my leaving?”
“Not really, but I’d be less okay with making you stay. What sort of a friend would I be if I did?”
Jason snuggled into him and gave his hand a squeeze and smiled up at him.
“The *best* kind of friend. No matter what you do, no matter what I do, or where we are, that’s what you’re always going to be for me.”
He reached out and stroked his cheek and kissed him softly on the lips for a brief moment.
“I love you, How. And that will never change.”
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