A simple womans stuff. Just as it is.

Offloading a load of crap to those poor souls who choose to read it.

[mrshighhorse]

A bit more shit to add to the shit pile...

And you know what? I'm still alive. Bit down in the dumps, but (being the contrary-mary I am) I'm also grateful for everything I still have. So, my work colleagues and I were told our jobs are on the line. The job I love, with people I love working with. Yes, I can feel a good cry building up, but I'm trying not to worry. I know what's meant to be is meant to be. I know I'm in good hands with God, my spirit guides, but, I just can't bear to imagine being in a job where I'm not as happy as I am where I work now. I'm petrified of living a thoroughly miserable work life. I live to work. No point in asking 'why is all this happening to me and my family' when there are worse things than can happen. We are blessed compared with some. I can't help think that it's another kick in the teeth for us. I dread to think 'what's next'. I start building hope, and it gets destroyed again. Thank goodness for my beautiful faith...

[mrshighhorse]

Blue monday, wasn't it bloody just.

After a crappy night's sleep. I dragged my sorry arse from the beautiful coziness of my super comfy bed. It was cold. I wanted to cry. I got dressed, still cold, thinking how I really wanted something nice and hot for breakfast - the freak I am wanted Cornflakes with hot milk and a nice hot mug of sweet, strong tea to was it down... Bit hell no, what's that? Yes, that's right, you decided it would be a good idea to start Slimming World again, so you prepared yourself cold yogurt and porridge oats with cold fruit... Surprise! Again, I wanted to cry. I got to work, freezing cold in work as well, and damn, I wanted a biscuit so badly with my mid-morning tea break, I sat munching my sour apricots, cold, and wanting to curl into a ball and cry. Then it was lunch time, I was hungry, but oh yeah, I had more yogurt, oats and fruit for lunch, yay... I finished it, still hungry, and finished ot all off with an apple (which made me even hungrier) I wanted to cry. This is where I throw a Pollyanna-esque comment in her... Nah, go fuck yourself Pollyanna. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who felt like this today... 😪😉

[mrshighhorse]

2016, the year that was a bit shit.

Just looking back at my posts that seemed to stop at July. Just a few days later, my husband suffered a stroke, not what you’d expect a man at 45 to suffer, but it happened we had to deal with it. It was tough, really tough, but it instilled new hope in a (beautiful fifteen year old) situation that my husband walked away from and has regretted and tortured himself over and over, every day, for nigh on 13 years.

My husband made progress in leaps and bounds, on his birthday (nearly two months later) he was told he could drive and return to work… We were so lucky, we felt so blessed (and still do). Our luck wasn’t to last…

Just a month later, our Boxer dog wasn’t himself. He was taken to the vet and diagnosed with a nasty ear infection. He made a good recovery whilst on antibiotics and pain killers, bit two weeks later, he was poorly again, we returned to the vet, same again, ear infection. A week later he was still poorly, so a blood test was arranged for the next day, in the night, his tummy had swollen up (like when he was poorly in July), when we went to the vet, it was decided he would stay for a scan. The scan results showed internal bleeding. We had to go to Bristol, if anyone could sort our beautiful boy out, Langford could. Alas, no, He had two massive cancerous growths that were bleeding. We has the option to operate, in which the odds were stacked against him, or just stop his suffering while he was still under anaesthetic. Although the hardest thing to go through, we decided we didn’t want our beautiful boy to suffer anymore, Mark and I held him until the end (and then some). The loss of Dexter teared a hole in our lives, I felt a crater in my heart and stomach. I howled and howled for days. He was my Earth Angel, my rock, my confidante, my shadow, my pillow, my surrogate child, he was my boy... 

Our loss of Dex screwed with my mental health for a month or so. I’d lost all hope, lost any optimism I may of had. It got to the point I considered going to the Doctor to discuss my meds not being upped, but to get psychiatric help and techniques for self-help, had it not been for my husband and son, I don’t know where I’d be. But, in just over a month it was my turn to be the strong one again - Mark had a ‘funny turn’ in work, just six days before Christmas. One GP visit, one hospital referral, one night stay, two CT scans later - my lovely husband was diagnosed with Temporal Lobe Epilepsy, his independence was ripped from him once again. 

Christmas wasn’t the same without Dexter and we just didn’t feel like celebrating (as well as missing that one person we’ve missed since being with Mark - him missing her longer than that). Thank goodness for the fact we had the Monkey-Boy and our nephews to share the day - their laughter and shrieks of delight made everything lovely.

New year came, and with it; new hope. New hope for our only wish (our Christmas wish, our New Year wish, our Birthday wish, our ‘wish on a star’, our wish when we see a shooting star, our wish when we throw a coin in a wishing well, our wish in general, the wish we carry in our hearts every second, of every minute, of every hour, of everyday, of every month, of every passing year). The one wish that all the pain he caused will cease. That the severed ties will heal. That his beautiful daughter will choose to know him and her paternal side of her family. 

I write this on my birthday (and edit it the day after), with an unconfident brain, yet a hopeful heart (nearly optimistic). That this year will be a good one. When looking back, 2016 was shit, it was really shit, but it could have been a lot worse. I could have lost my husband as well as my beautiful dog. My husband could have lost all mobility as well as his speech, language, short -term memory, driving licence. We could have lost our home. I could be unemployed, nursing my poorly husband. My son could’ve had a Daddy that couldn’t pick him up, play with him. There are so many awful situations that could have happened as a result, we could have started this year in despair, but we start it with a positive mental attitude. 

Here’s to 2017. Please be kind.  

[mrshighhorse]

Cocky little sod.

Monkey-Boy is playing nicely after waking up. I go into his room to greet him.

Mam: Oh my goodness! What's happened in here? It's a mess!

Monkey-Boy: Ha ha ha. It not a mess. It's cars.

(Duh, stupid Mam).

[mrshighhorse]

The calm of a disorganised woman.

Ok, so my cousin is getting married tomorrow, we’re travelling up and staying in the hotel where the wedding is taking place. I have to make a list of everything I’ll need, everything my son will need, wash (and dry) clothes, iron said clothes, pack, go pick up our prescriptions, go to the shop for some bits and bobs for tomorrow, amongst other things... I should be running around like a headless chicken, getting organised. I’m not. I’m chilled. I’m typing this on Tumblr. What’s the point in panicking. Organised schmorganised! Blah! I’ll stress out the hour before we leave - it’ll all be fine. 

[mrshighhorse]

Being organised.

Damn, trying to be organised makes my head all buzzy and fuzzy. I hate having to be organised, I do the free-spirit-spur-of-the-moment thing so much better. 

[mrshighhorse]

Love one of these to fill in whilst watching Jeremy Kyle...

Boredom therapy at it’s best!

1. What is you middle name? Lou’.

2. How old are you? Old enough.

3. When is your birthday? Once a year.

4. What is your zodiac sign? Capricorn.

5. What is your favorite color? Rainbow.

6. What’s your lucky number? 13.

7. Do you have any pets? Two beautiful dogs and fish.

8. Where are you from? Pontypool.

9. How tall are you? Short.

10. What shoe size are you? 4 (very often 5 because of my fat feet).

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Lots, I’m a girl.

12. What was your last dream about? Backing my display walls in work - and borrowing the backing paper from my sons nursery as we’d run out.

13. What talents do you have? Finding a bargain. I’m bargain Queen.

14. Are you psychic in any way? We are all psychic - it’s just a case of developing that ability.

15. Favorite song? I’ve too many to count, my favourite for today is Stand and Deliver by Adam Ant - came on the radio and it was good to be reminded how good that song actually makes me feel.

16. Favorite movie? The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

17. Who would be your ideal partner? I’m married to him - he’s not just ideal, he’s my soul mate.

18. Do you want/have children? Yes. I’ve got my gorgeous boy. 

19. Do you want/did you have a church wedding? No, my husband and I are not religious, it would have been hypocritical of us if we’d had a church wedding. 

20. Are you religious? Religious no, but I have a spiritual faith.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? Quite a few times.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? No.

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? A few.

24. Baths or showers? Showers mainly - but I do like a bath, especially when I have Lush goodies.

25. What color socks are you wearing? Purple.

26. Have you ever been famous? No, it’s not something I’d want, rich on the other hand...

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? I’d hate it.

28. What type of music do you like? I have an eclectic music collection, I have Basement Jaxx to System of a Down, Buddy Holly to Eminem, Wham to Greenday. 

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No, getting my wobbly bits out in public is not my thing.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two, just two.

31. What position do you usually sleep in? I dunno, I’m asleep. I usually first lie on my right side, then fall asleep on my left side or on my back.

32. How big is your house? Small, but bigger than most average new-builds.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? Depends on whether I’m dieting, what time of year it is, what day of the week it is. My breakfast of choice lately has been porridge with syrup - few weeks ago I was dieting so it was porridge oats with yogurt and fresh fruit.

34. Have you ever fired a gun? Yup.

35. Have you ever tried archery? I can’t remember, but I can’t say no.

36. Favorite clean word? Fantastic. I do tend to over-use fantastic.

37. Favorite swear word? Fuckity-shit-twat-arse. 

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? 36 hours-ish.

39. Do you have any scars? Yup, both physical and emotional.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? Yes, and I was his secret admirer - and now we’re married. Ewwy right?

41. Are you a good liar? I’m the shittest liar EVER, I hate lying.

42. Are you a good judge of character? No, I try to see the good in everyone. Although I do suss people out eventually.

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? A few.

44. Do you have a strong accent? I think everyone has a strong accent of where they’re from. 

45. What is your favorite accent? I haven’t really thought about it.

46. What is your personality type? Perceiving and emotional - apparently.

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? My wedding dress.

48. Can you curl your tongue? Yup.

49. Are you an innie or an outie? Innie.

50. Left or right handed? Right.

51. Are you scared of spiders? No, I’m a freak, I love spiders.

52. Favorite food? I go through phases. At the moment it’s Cinema Sweet Popcorn - and tortilla wraps (just plain tortilla wraps).

53. Favorite foreign food? Indian food, nom!

54. Are you a clean or messy person? So messy, although I prefer the term “creative”.

55. Most used phrased? “What goes around, comes around”.

56. Most used word? At them moment “sweet heart” or “sweetie”.

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? However long it takes me to get ready - it has no time.

58. Do you have much of an ego? A what?

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Bite.

60. Do you talk to yourself? All the time, it’s not me that’s mad, it’s the rest of the world - I’m the only one who knows what’s going on!

61. Do you sing to yourself? All the time.

62. Are you a good singer? It’s not about being a good singer, it’s about singing from your heart.

63. Biggest Fear? Rejection and losing those I love.

64. Are you a gossip? I try my best not to be as I’ve been the subject of gossip - but I’m a girl - of course I love a good bitch!

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? Rocky Horror Picture Show - it’s not my favourite for nothing!

66. Do you like long or short hair? Depends on how I feel.

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? No, there’s no need for me to know them - there’s a big world out there I’d rather know about fifty separate countries!

68. Favorite school subject? I loved French, RE and History - and I didn’t take any of them for GCSE. What a dick eh?

69. Extrovert or Introvert? Extrovert that is becoming an introvert the older I get (especially since having my son and suffering PND).

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? No, I’ve only recently figured out how to swim (and rather badly at that).

71. What makes you nervous? Being in emotionally turbulent situations - being face to face with people who have hurt or have the ability to hurt me or my family. Being in situations where I could make people feel uncomfortable that I could say something that would/could hurt/anger/sadden them (I feel it and it makes me feel awful when I don’t intend to cause any bad feelings).

72. Are you scared of the dark? I like the dark, my mind can run away in the dark, darkness is my friend.

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? Depends on the situation.

74. Are you ticklish? Yes.

75. Have you ever started a rumour? Well, not started, but instigated something that turned into a rumour about ourselves. When my husband and I first got together we had a person try to cause a lot of strife for us. My husband and I both wrote a status mine something like “hormones and blah blah blah don’t mix” (I’d just had a hormone based injection) - for a joke, my husband posted about a parcel “three days late, should I be worried?” (OF COURSE WE KNEW WHAT WE WERE DOING). As you can imagine the person causing all the trouble had told everyone I was pregnant - it had gotten back to us within days. 

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? No, I wouldn’t want a position of authority either.

77. Have you ever drank underage? I’m from the South-East Welsh Valleys - of course I drank underage. 

78. Have you ever done drugs? I do them all the time, prescription of course! 

79. Who was your first real crush? This guy who went to school with my brother, he wasn’t my first crush, he was the first one I thought I loved (which I think is a proper crush). Big G his nick name was - he was taller than most his age,  now he’s shorter than most his age- yeah, and he’s definitely not the gorgeous guy I thought I loved. Funny how it all turns out in the end.

80. How many piercings do you have? Four piercings in my ears, three which have healed up.

81. Can you roll your Rs? I’m Welsh - of course I can! 

82. How fast can you type? Not super fast, but not super slow.

83. How fast can you run? I can type faster...

84. What color is your hair? Brunette.

85. What color is your eyes? Blue.

86. What are you allergic to? Bullshit. Liars. Dogs and cats (even though I have/have had dogs/cats as pets - I’ve built immunity). 

87. Do you keep a journal? For my son, yes - when I remember to write in it.

88. What do your parents do? Argue, moan. Dad is retired and volunteers as a patient transporter back and for hospitals. Mam is a school dinner lady.

89. Do you like your age? Well, you know, being young is nice, but I embrace my age - I’m thankful for every extra day I spend with my beautiful family.

90. What makes you angry? Liars. Thieves. Paedophiles. People who abuse children, animals and vulnerable adults. Racists. Fascists. Stupid people. People who want to hurt others intentionally - be it physically or emotionally. People who have not consideration for anyone but themselves. Arrogance.  

91. Do you like your own name? I do now, I didn’t as a child/teenager.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? I’d been thinking of baby names for years. I’d always convinced myself I would have a daughter, so I never really thought of boys names - although I loved the named Luca and Nico. My sons name was thought of the day I found out I was carrying a boy - my husband joked about childrens TV characters on the way home - one in particular stuck with me, I went home and it seemed right - and that was that. 

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? I’d convinced myself I’d have a girI didn’t necessarily ‘want’ a girl - I just wanted to be a Mammy. Good job I didn’t mind as I turned out I had my little boy - and I wouldn’t change him for the world.

94. What are you strengths? I’m pretty strong for girl. 

95. What are your weaknesses? Cake, tortilla wraps, food in general.

96. How did you get your name? Because my Mam liked it!

97. Were your ancestors royalty? My husbands are. 

98. Do you have any scars? Wait a minute? Haven’t I already....?

99. Color of your bedspread? Grey and white check.

100. Color of your room? Magnolia (blurgh)...

[mrshighhorse]

Have an amazing time kiddo. We're thinking of you always. ♡

[mrshighhorse]

The night that got worse (but could have gotten a whole lot worse)

So I moaned about being poorly Sunday night, but then my poor dog started being poorly and trying to be sick. We joked it was sympathy pains for Mammy, but the pain got a whole lot worse. He was restless, he was whimpering and crying in pain. It was at this point we enquired about emergency vets. My husband got hold of the local emergency centre while I attempted to comfort my boy, who by this point had a very swollen tummy and very fast and erratic heart beat. We got him into the van, and I honestly thought it was the last time I’d see him (being the pessimist that I am), so I said my goodbyes to him there and then, whilst clinging on to every hope that it wasn’t as serious as we thought it was. Turned out he had a twisted stomach and we had two options, one - operate, option two didn’t even come into the equation. We were told it was touch and go whether he’d survive, that his stomach could be ‘dead’ as it could be too damaged. My boy was in shock and he was dying. Without the quick thinking and actions from the Vet and Veterinary Nurse, my dog, my guardian angel, my beautiful boy would be dead. After a long night of worrying, it turned out I needed to go hospital for treatment as well. Nearly twelve hours later, I was finally allowed home to see my poor Bubba. The update being, he’s sore, but he’s doing so well - fantastically well. It wasn’t his time to go, and I’m so grateful to the staff at the vets (both Valley Vets in Ystrad Mynach and Sanders Vets in Pontnewydd), thankful for my calm and rational husband, thankful for the NHS, thankful to ‘God’ if that is his/her actual name, thankful to all our guardian angels -you look out for us every second of every day, but last night we had a blessing sent our way and we are so grateful.

[mrshighhorse]

Ouchy.

Stupid crohns. That is all. Oh, and a sad face   :(

[mrshighhorse]

Hubby’s gigging...

So I’m sat in the silence, letting my thoughts run away with me. Uh-oh, this could get messy. I can’t say I don’t enjoy sitting in the silence, I certainly have a lot spinning around my little mediocre brain. Silence lets me fish my whirlpool mind and just sit and try to decipher what I’ve caught (it’s usually about the girl who lives in our hearts).  Still, the dogs are keeping me on my toes with their incessant whining. 

[mrshighhorse]

Dreams that are full of emotion. Dreams that take an ongoing situation and resolve it temporarily - and then you wake up, and bridges haven’t been built, and baby steps to you being in our lives aren’t there - we’re not even going orienteering like we were going to do in my dream to forge friendships between your families for your benefit. So, I’ll carry on down the prayer and sending good and healing vibes route. 

[mrshighhorse]

Being thankful.

I like a good moan, I really do. A good moan is good for the soul, it’s good to get it out there, do you know what I mean? But although I have a good moan, I’m always thankful for everything I have in my life.  Then there are the people who have done nothing in their lives, put themselves in situations they expect the British Taxpayer to pay for, expect EVERYTHING to fall in their laps, and moan and moan about how hard it is not to be able to afford this, and not be able to do that - then take on an extra expense (like a pet) - with no thought of how they’re going to be able to afford that commitment. It really makes me roll my eyes and want to open my mouth with an objective comment to make them realise how lucky they actually are.

All of my moans can be followed by thankfulness... I have Crohns Disease which has been and can be debilitating at times - but, without Crohns, I wouldn’t have what I have today. Surgery gave me a new lease of life, a new love of life and enthusiasm to do what I always wanted to do.

My wages are shit - but, I have the most wonderful job in the world, I have an amazing boss and fantastic colleagues. I don’t just get paid with money, I get paid with happiness that money can’t buy. 

We’re missing someone really special in our lives - but, my family still have each other, are happy and will continue to wait with our arms open for her. 

I still struggle psychologically after a tough time just after having my son - but, I’m still here to tell the tale, and thankful that I’m still here. 

I hate my extra weight from steroids after a Crohns flare up a year ago - but, I have the power to lose the excess weight - and am doing it. I have a little excess weight to lose in case I have another flare up. 

See, just five little examples - it’s easy - really easy. 

[mrshighhorse]

Em-Ben-em

Eminem: Hi, my name is (what?)- my name is (who?) my name is...

Monkey-Boy: Benjmin Mahk Hiwuns...

[mrshighhorse]

I really don’t know what I’m feeling again. I just feel like I’m not feeling anything at all. I feel restless, yet, I can’t shift my arse. I feel hungry (again), picky hungry - and never satisfied. I feel tired, yet - I don’t feel ready for bed. I sit in silence, yet my mind is screaming distortion. I feel I should be sad, but I’m not. I feel content, but not happy. I feel (almost) complete), yet empty. I assume this is a little PND blip, although I can’t be sure. Time for me to kick my sad sack arse back out of it.  

[mrshighhorse]

Really? Already?

That time has arrived where I need to research and visit local schools ready for my little boy to attend September next year. How on earth did the time pass so quickly? 

[mrshighhorse]

And here I sit.

Sleep is a sought after prize in our house at the moment. After a 5.30am wake up call, my hubby took over supervision duties to let me have a couple more hours shut eye. I was just getting to the part of my dream where the Spanish speaking former Grange Hill actor (yeah, a WTF moment, I know) was about to ask some airheads some serious questions on ‘Countdown’ (only it wasn’t Countdown), when I was awoken by the words “babe, can you take over, I’m really struggling and he’s running riot”. So it was my turn to wake up. My little monkey was full of beans to be fair, but he was so lovely. I brought him upstairs for him to use the loo, and I catch a glimpse of my husband in bed, and it looks amazing (my bed that is, not my hubby). I test the water, by putting the Monkey-Boy in his cage (I’m talking about his bedroom, yes he has a proper room before I have Social Service knock my door), and he plays nicely (YES!). So I sit here, in my bed, writing this, warm, cosy, and it’s bloody lovely. I can’t see me getting to sleep, but for the moment, just chilling in my own bubble is suffice.