ninety6pixels writes.

my second digital diary for my poems, letters and other nonsense.

[mrymbaf]

Ramadan 1

“

though the hands of the devil are tied, the lingering whispers float in circles in our head, as we bare bones and flesh, and reveal ourselves, truthfully.

and even so, you truly have to accept and witness the alter or ‘true self’, whether that be yours, your family, your friends.

but sometimes,

it isn’t kind. it isn’t wholesome, as you may expect.

sometimes,

it’s surprising. or, it’s hurtful. or, it’s selfish.

and so,  my wishes for this month are to be ever patient, to not huff, to not break,

but to be calm, tawakkal (believe and leave the faith in God), to ask what is right for me,

and how to soften one’s heart, to be encouraging and loving,

rather than be condescending, shameful,  or disappointed.

my wish is to be better, to be loved, to find myself, to BE myself.

but my first wish is, i wish you had asked, my ambitions, my dreams, my thoughts.

that is my wish. 

“

[mrymbaf]

december 5.

“

three months ago, leaves were still falling. now, we welcome the cool morning breeze.

three months ago, December seemed to be so far away.  now, we approach the sixth day of December in less than 1 and a half hours. three months ago, some of us embarked on the last journey for a piece of paper. now, we await for the results.

it took a lot of courage from within to release myself from the ties. it took a lot of strength to push further and self-motivate.  it took a part of me.

but all in all, i am just thankful that i’m still breathing,  i’m still standing on my own two feet, overcoming three months of hell and back.

do i have any regrets?  sure, i do.

should i still be overthinking about it? nope, i don’t think so.

i’m still trying to grasp the idea that i’m going to jumping into the deep end very soon.

but before i do, before we all go along for the remainder of 2020, i want whoever reads this to give yourself a pat on the back for surviving this year.

continue to be kind to yourself. continue to be kind to others. continue to take your time.

growth from within doesn’t happen overnight. it’s a whole-ass journey, accepting all your successes and faults, jumps and obstacles.

i know that this may be the most cliche thing ever to write up. but it’s a nice reminder too.. right?

yes. believe it is. 

make the most out of the rest of this year that we have left. 

i ask for forgiveness from anyone that i’ve wronged or faulted.  i ask for forgiveness from anyone if i have caused you hurt.

2021, please be “kinder”, though i suspect you will be full of surprises. 

and now, we rest.

“

[mrymbaf]

6:51.

“

if there’s one thing i would tell my younger self, it is to brave through everything with a smile and a gesture.

the world is cruel; only because the leaders in this world are. people are cruel; only because society is greedy for capitalism.

i’m sorry that you have to walk onto every path with hurt, sorrow, scars and bruises.

the many times that you lie in bed late at night, and let the tears stream down the sides of your cheeks, were the only times of self-comfort.

you will be quarter of a century in three months.

yes, age is just a number.

but the number of times that people press on the wound, peel the healing scar, pour the acid on the skin, hurts more than knowing that i had so many chances to slip away.

if only.

“

[mrymbaf]

10:35.

“

to dismiss, to disregard, to deflect, those are not ways to love someone,

with your words of so-called ‘wisdom’, or experiences, stories and memories. 

if you listened, really listened,  glanced at her face, perhaps that would trigger a response,

that perhaps, you should halt, hang your words out to dry, before you add more salt to the wound.

if that is your love language, then she does not want it.

if that is your way of loving, she does not want to embrace it.

let her breathe,  let her in,  let her go.

let her be.

“

[mrymbaf]

9:19.

”

warmth. kindness. calmness.

these embody you.

there is so much to you left to discover. but, when will you ever open the doors for others to reach in?

your soft confidence speaks such volume that you don’t even realise it. but, the hums and sighs bleed out that invisible pressure on your shoulders.

in all those years, have you ever given yourself your own time? in all those years, have you rewarded yourself for that warmth, kindness and calmness that you possess?

inevitably, everyone has another face that they do not show.  the grey skies that hang over your head are hidden behind your constant positivity and strive. that’s okay. 

but, please, dear sahabat,  give yourself the chance to breathe, to enjoy life again instead of slaving away tapping keys.

i believe, you deserve more.

“

[mrymbaf]

hello september.

It’s currently 10:30pm, August 31, 2020.

And in another one and half hours, it will be September. 

Just three to four months ago, I was sat in my room pondering, ‘when will August come? When will I end my semester? When will I graduate?’. And before we know it, September is here and I’m finally nearing the end of my university life. 

I was always asked, ‘what are your plans after graduation?’, ‘when will you start working?’ and of course the obvious question of ‘when will you get married?’. 

Right now, I am at this point in life where I will accept whatever comes my way. I’ve come to really realize and accept that as much as you try to plan, God knows best and better. He has laid it out for us. 

What does January hold for us? What does it hold for me? But, let’s not go too far again and let’s welcome September and the coming months left of 2020. 

Next week, I’ll be entering my final trimester of 2020 and of my undergrad, and all I feel is fear, uncertainty but excitement. 

And so, I decided to start writing again. A few of my friends convinced me to find my writing flow and create again. The problem is, I’m so fickle-minded and get bored easily with one task, that I find myself doing three to four tasks at a time (which unexpectedly has helped me advance through my undergrad better than I thought). 

I think my fuel to writing again was when I won the creative writing competition at uni earlier this year. That’s a funny story I shall I keep for another entry. But, the best part is, I didn’t expect anything. It was more of sharing a part of myself with a group of (half) strangers and faculty that I had encountered probably twice or thrice on campus. It was a really vulnerable part of me that I never shared with anyone else in detail. To be frank, I did it for fun and learned a new part of me.

I’m glad that my friend KDR actually pushed me to do it. I think it made me realize I do kind of have the flair for writing? Maybe, maybe not. 

And so, hello September and the forthcoming months of 2020. Treat me and the rest of the world well (please). Here’s to a restart to my writing. 

- M.

[mrymbaf]

Let’s fly.

Hello October, soon-to-be November. 

-Backtracking to the moment this photo was taken, I was in another world.- 

I was happy, excited and humbled. I was taken aback by the different beauties around this country I call my motherland. There was so much to explore, but time was not on our side that day. 

It made me realise I have so much more to discover. Aside from cities, it was more about discovering myself. It was a bittersweet ending to my week-long ‘vacay’ in Singapore. Just as I was about to dive into the adventures with AF, I had to say ‘buh-bye’ and hello to Dubai once again. 

It was a much needed break, out of the bustling city of Dubai. Traveling around the motherland, it kickstarted my desire to really fly and be free. Having been here my whole life, not having that chance to travel, I restarted my bucket list. 

My top things to do on my bucket list: 

1. To film a documentary, (food, travel, life etc) 2. Euro Trip!  3. Visit Cambodia and the orphanages.  4. Go camping with friends.  5. Travel around a city without transport.  6. To meet someone who can speak 8 languages.  7. To go on a roadtrip with friends. 8. Witness the Aurora Borealis.  9. To face my fear of heights.  10. To eat 5 different unfamiliar foods.

With that said, anyone reading this, give me cities to visit. As well as food! (via my instagram @mrymaf) kthx.

At the moment, I’m brainstorming and putting together my short vacay into a video. Let’s see how this turns out. Hmm... 

Time to plan and let’s fly. 

Signing off,

- M.  

[mrymbaf]

Photo Series: ‘Kitchen’

My favourite place in the house. 

More photo series coming soon! 

[mrymbaf]

“Square One.”

Since my last post, I have experienced a major high and now I’m back to square one. (NOTE: this entry, has no main direction. I won’t be surprised if you will be confused.)

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One: I ended my service as a pastry chef and now in search of my next move. I know what I want to do, but it’s a list.  A long one. 

Two: I keep having mind blocks... whether that be whilst driving, eating, talking with someone, in bed waiting to fall asleep- it’s been continuing on for the past few months. 

Three: I’m tired... of talking, thinking, overthinking and I’m mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted... and still traumatised. 

----------------------------------

First, I want to say that I’m proud of my girl HF, for finally stepping out of her shell, to be healed and heard, to love and find herself again. She’s one of the main motivations that I am even writing this post. 

(There are so many things I want to say. I keep typing and deleting so I can find the right words to say.)

This girl, HF, is a fighter. She fights with passion, in anything she does. When she opened up to me about her current life, since the last time we spoke, it really hit me.  We smile for others, we give energy, but we can’t give it to ourselves. People think we overreact about our emotional state, and only you and DF can really understand. 

You reminded me to remember my worth. You reminded me that it’s okay to cry and look ugly af. You reminded me to not apologise, for things happen for a reason. Even when I struggled to speak, you both said to me, ‘it will be okay’.

I have never met anyone, other than you two, that can understand me better even when I don’t say anything. You were the first people I came running to, when I was in my deepest, darkest place. 

Now here we are... pushing each other forward for a stronger, better and healthier us. I am so glad I got all of those thoughts out of my system with you. I am still trying to pull myself up and away from that memory. But at least I’m trying.  Despite having your own battles, you still encouraged me and I am so grateful. This is just the beginning. Much love to you my girls. You know who you are.

Signing off,

- M. 

[mrymbaf]

“If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you.”

Month of June; I think one of the most challenging and hardest months this year. I was looking forward to Ramadan. A month of self-reflection, nourishment and patience. Although I was given the benefit of the second shift to start in the morning, the challenge was how to deal with people and how to deal with your own self-patience. I learned that I was emotionally and mentally drained. I was unhappy with my situation, angry with myself and upset, that I made a decision that has changed my life. And I know, things will never go back to the way it was.

But as days went by, after that week, after that event, I felt lighter. I promised myself to find happiness, patience and my path back to my faith. Weak as I am in my soul, my mind and body is forever charging forward, I managed to convince myself that ‘yes, there are worse things that could come your way. Take it as a blessing and continue going forward.’

Month of July; month of stress, commitment and responsibilities. I am hoping these next few weeks will fly by fast...

Stress: causing my body’s energy to deplete and falling sick.

Commitment: to people and my team, who I wish I wasn’t leaving behind, but I need to move forward and focus on my health and wellbeing.

Responsibilities: which are piling up as our team is getting smaller and smaller as the days go by. Everyday I wake up, with positivity that ‘Today should be good. Plan your day and the work load and work fast.’ Not that I’m complaining about my work, responsibilities are beneficial for growth, I take it as a lesson for my future self.

Nevertheless, after every challenge, there is always a reward, in every form.

I wrote this today, with so many things on my mind, that I had to take a moment to breathe slowly in a corner just to settle myself down.

I hope those that are reading this, especially close to me, know that I changed because of all these moments and obstacles in my life. Change is good. Change is bad. It depends on how you look at it and in the long run. There’s nothing wrong with changing, as long as you wholly accept yourself as you are and that these events in life happen to change your old ways; change your outlook on life.

Signing off,

- M.

[mrymbaf]

Wandering...

I always wondered what it was going to be like being my parents' shoes. But then I realized, I didn't want to grow up that fast. I'm 18 years old and I don't even know where my yellow brick road stops. I'm still wandering, and forever will I wander. 

I tend to open my thoughts on paper, but never with the thought of sharing. Heh. I've never been good at writing such posts or anything. One thing I find bizarre is people come to me for advice, whereas sometimes I think I need some support at some points. I'm not saying I dislike it, I don't mind it. I quite appreciate it when people find me to look for moral support or comfort. 

I don't want to share my pathetic life story. Hah, that would be beyond boring. It's more like how I see, live and enjoy life despite all the negative surroundings I have to put up with. My life at school is a total opposite to what life at home is. I think I try to isolate myself more at home, because I feel comforted. The idea of drowning in music or reading cook books to satisfy my cravings, or reading novels that make you feel as if your life is not special. However, I always remind myself that life is special. It's in fact precious; so precious yet we take life for granted that we will wake up tomorrow morning with a calm and clean soul, but God gave us another chance to live. 

So, let's just live life as it is and not to have high expectations. It can be taken away any second now... nanosecond if you are so precise.

Time is precious. 

I must keep reminding myself that; even whilst typing this. 

So what was my motive for writing this? 

My answer: I have no idea. Its currently 9:47pm, I'm in a mood for chocolate. I guess this is just like an idea as to how I am? I don't know. I'm confused myself right now. Hence I shall stop now.