Miss Pauling

Assistant to the Administrator. I issue the contracts. You pull the trigger. Try not to get blood on the paperwork this time.

[msdotpauling]

Hi. Miss Pauling here.

I work for the Administrator. My job includes—but is not limited to—contract management, scheduling, errand-running, corpse disposal, PR cleanup, witness intimidation, coffee runs, and emotional damage control. (Mostly mine.)

Welcome to... whatever this is. A “blog.” Saxton Hale said it would “boost brand visibility,” then jumped out a third-story window before I could ask what that meant. So—here we are.

Think of this as a central hub for updates, operations, friendly reminders that yes, explosives are flammable, and possibly one (1) photo of the Pyro holding a kitten, depending on how today goes.

Against my better judgment, the Administrator has authorized me to leave the ask box open. “Engage with the public,” she said. “Humanize the brand.”

I currently have seven active burner phones, two full-time mercenary teams, and a handwritten list titled “Things Currently on Fire.” I do not have time for this.

Still—if you have questions about contracts, the mercenaries (God help you), formal grievances, or anything that can't wait until next Tuesday, feel free to submit them.

I'll answer. Eventually. Probably.

That’s it. Ask whatever. Or don’t. I’m not your babysitter.

(Actually... I am your babysitter. Never mind.)

Thanks so much.

—Miss Pauling

OOC STUFF:

Canon/Canon-Divergent Friendly: I lean TF2 canon but I’m flexible for AUs.

Askbox Open: For IC or OOC asks. Crack, angst, lore—bring it on.

Multispec, multiship, multi pretty much everything—I’m happy to rp whatever!

I’m totally down to be mutuals with anyone, just ask!

TAG SYSTEM:

#ask miss pauling → For interactive asks

#briefings → IC posts/updates

#rp thread → Active RP logs

#ooc or #out of character → Posts as myself

#classified communications → Replies to asks

That’s all! <3

[msdotpauling]

hallo Frau Pauling! It has come to my attention zhat Pyro(@mj-the-pyro) needs a new glasses prescription, and I vould do zhe exam myself but ich do not have zhe necessary equipment for it, so is zhere any way we could have Pyro either see a optometrist or for me to get zhe equipment required for her optical exam?

Mit freundlichen Grüßen, your favorite RED Medic, @mjs-mum-has-got-it-goin-on

Dear Medic,

I can arrange an appointment for Pyro with an optometrist, yes. Preferably one under contract with Mann Co., since the last civilian doctor who examined one of our mercenaries had to take an extended leave of absence afterward.

I’ll have transportation and paperwork ready by Friday, please do not attempt to build your own ophthalmological equipment in the meantime.

With regards,

Miss Pauling

[msdotpauling]

Ms.pauling, there seems to be cadmium from old yellow paint in the breakroom, Dell checked and it is very high, administrator has purchased relatively cheaper paint so it flakes in the air, I suggest you make coffee in the office instead of the breakroom henceforth

- Mikhail

…Thank you for telling me.

And thank you for checking the levels before anyone tried to “see if it was really that bad”. I appreciate that more than I can adequately express.

I’ll stop using the breakroom immediately and I’ll put up notices for everyone else—clear ones. With pictures, if necessary. I’ll also file a report and see what can be done about replacing the paint, though I suspect the word “cheaper” is going to complicate that conversation.

I’ll make coffee in my office from now on. Thank you again for the warning, and for looking out for everyone.

Please let me know if you notice anything else.

…Hopefully not mercury.

[msdotpauling]

Merry Smissmas Miss Pauling! If you celebrate, I mean. The season and the festivities that come with it can become a little dulled as you become an adult I find, but I hope that something pleasantly surprises you this year.

I hope you get recognized for the things that you do even if it's seemingly small, and thank you for all the effort you put into keeping everything so... well contained! Tied up with a pretty lil bow on top!

Just wanted to let you know you weren't forgotten about this season, I'd actually sure like to know what you got up to this year! and please once you get the chance have a hot chocolate or something for yourself, on me even! I'll pay for it we just gotta find a way-- ok this is too long now, thank you again Miss Pauling!

- @optimistic-embarrassment (small name change from before :'>)

…Oh.

Uh. Merry Smissmas. I do celebrate. Sort of. I mean—there’s usually something festive in the office, and by “festive” I mean a cactus I strung some lights around because we’re in the middle of nowhere and that was literally all I could find.

Thank you. Really. Keeping things “contained” is kind of the job, and when it works no one ever sees it, so. That means more than you probably think.

This year was… busy. A lot of logistics, a lot of damage control, and exactly zero relaxing holiday movies. I did, however, manage to keep everyone alive and mostly out of jail, which I’m told counts as a success.

And I will— I will get a hot chocolate. I can’t promise it’ll still be warm by the time I remember to drink it, but I appreciate the thought. I’ll… check my schedule, too. If there’s a window where nothing’s actively exploding, maybe we can grab one together.

Thanks again. And—yeah. Merry Smissmas.

[msdotpauling]

"Ms.pauling enters her office near gravelpit to get some documents, she then finds a sealed envelope from demo with "IMPORTANT" stamped on it,

The letter was typed out ofcourse since it was well.... demo

"

Dear Ms.pauling,

Just a wee report lass since I thought it necessary at the moment since ye're off on official business, (you might be asking why I'm writing to you and not engie or the doctor but it will make sense in a moment)

Pyro's been crying for a day or 2 now since the poor lads just realised snakes dunnae have legs and I must admit I may have been crying with the kid, and second, THERES A BLOODY BREAD MONSTER FUSED TO THE PIPES WE LEFT UNNACOUNTED FOR.

Engie and the doctor are working on it but would it be possible for ye to come over soon because turns out it's a hive mind connected over a 1 square mile area and I've even cut down on me scrumpy to write ye this letter, the matter is of that degree of concern.

Yours faitfully

Tavish.F.Degroot

(Ps. Reply as soon as possible please)

"

[Miss Pauling pauses halfway into her office, coat still on, already mentally budgeting five minutes for paperwork she definitely doesn’t have time for.]

[She sees the envelope.]

[She does not open it right away.]

[…Because nothing good has ever come out of an envelope labeled IMPORTANT in all caps.]

[She reads it anyway, and emails a reply promptly after.]

Snakes. Bread. Hive mind. Okay.

First of all—thank you for writing this down. Typed is… honestly appreciated. And yes, you were right, this does in fact make sense now.

Second: please tell Pyro that snakes not having legs does not make them less important or less loved, and that crying for two days straight is—well, actually pretty understandable under the circumstances.

Third—how was the bread monster left unaccounted for. No, don’t answer that, I already know the answer and it involves at least one of you saying “it’ll probably be fine.”

I’m redirecting my current assignment. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Until then, keep Engineer and Medic away from any “let’s see what happens if—” ideas, and please do not let the thing spread past the pipes. One square mile is already… more than enough.

Also, Tavish—thank you for cutting down on the scrumpy long enough to write me. That does, unfortunately, tell me exactly how bad this is.

I’ll reply again once I’m en route.

—Miss Pauling

[msdotpauling]

Scout set the kitchen on fire making borscht please help

-Sincerely, @mj-the-pyro

…Of course he did.

Okay—listen carefully. If it’s still contained: turn off the stove. Do not throw water on it. And if Scout is insisting that borscht “can’t burn because it’s soup”, please physically remove him from the room. Gently, if possible. Firmly, if necessary.

Also—why was Scout making borscht. Actually, no. That’s on me for assuming he wouldn’t try to cook something that requires patience, supervision, and basic respect for a stove.

I’m sending Engineer down there now, and I’ll alert Medic in case anyone inhaled smoke or decided to “taste test” whatever survived.

Keep Scout away from the kitchen, the stove, and any food that requires more effort than opening a box. If he complains, remind him that this is the second time this month he’s tried to cook and the third time something caught fire.

I’m on my way. Please do not let him “help” in the meantime.

[msdotpauling]

Heyo Pauling, is the red team okay?? Like actually. What do you mean they're showering with lead-contaminated water. The worst we get is an occasional eldritch horror, wtf is going on with them?

- Cheerleader (blu)

…I appreciate you checking in. Really.

And no—no, RED is not okay. Not in the way people usually mean when they ask that question.

Yes. The water is lead-contaminated. No, that was not intentional. It was discovered after someone described the showers as “tasting wrong,” which is not how I would’ve liked to find out.

We are working on it. Engineer is tearing apart the plumbing, I’ve rerouted bottled water deliveries, and I’ve said the phrase “do not drink that” more times today than I have in my entire life.

Compared to this, an occasional eldritch horror is almost relaxing. At least those show up, scream a little, and can be dealt with directly. Infrastructure problems just… sit there and ruin your week.

Everyone’s been told not to drink from the taps until it’s fixed. Are they listening? Some of them. Possibly. I’m choosing to believe that for my own sanity.

They’re alive. They’re functional. I’m holding it together.

Barely—but I am.

[msdotpauling]

Miss Pauling, does boiling the water get rid of the lead in it? I keep making tea with bottled water because I don't know about the intricacies but it feels like a waste :< are we showering with lead water? have we done anything about that 'cause I don't feel so clean no more

- @meet-the-embarrassment

Oh. No. Absolutely not.

Boiling the water doesn’t remove lead. If anything, it concentrates it, so unless you want your tea to double as a heavy metal supplement, stick to bottled water for now. I know it feels wasteful, but trust me, it’s still less wasteful than the medical bills.

As for the showers: yes, you’ve been showering in lead-contaminated water. No, you don’t need to panic—lead doesn’t absorb well through the skin. Unfortunately, that hasn’t stopped the Administrator from insisting it’s “a natural exfoliant” and refusing to sign off on replacing the pipes. I am trying to handle it, but the Engineer is busy reverse-engineering a teleporter accident and we can’t call in a plumber because we’d have to kill them afterwards.

So for now: drink bottled water, don’t lick any faucets, and if your hair starts turning strange colors, please report it. Not because it’s dangerous. Just because it sounds like the sort of thing the Administrator will want documented.

— Miss Pauling

[msdotpauling]

howd the piss training with sniper go?

The Jarate lesson was actually far more informative than I expected. Sniper taught me proper stance, trajectory control, splash radius awareness, and the importance of yelling “HEADS UP” before you throw a jar of bodily fluids. I had no idea there was such an art to it. Afterward, we got takeout like we planned, which was much safer and less messy. All in all, a very enjoyable afternoon!

[msdotpauling]

We are out of paper in the RED base

PS. I am also out of crayons cuz Soldier ate them all I would like more.

PSS. Soldier is now in need of urgent help due to the amount of crayons he ate, he ate the entire 64 pack, I am concerned for his physical and mental health.

PSSS. Medic is now performing surgery on Soldier to remove all the colourful wax from Soldier's digestive tract, Medic is having me assist in this procedure despite the fact I was forced by my (now ex-) boyfriend to drop out of nursing school on the second day.

-sincerely, @mj-the-pyro

Hi—

Sorry, I had to read your message twice. Not because it wasn’t clear, but because every time I think I’ve heard the strangest possible update from RED Base, the universe looks me in the eye and says, “Oh, you sweet summer child.”

Paper is on the way. Crayons… I’ll request them, but after the last incident, Supply officially categorized them as a “Class-C Consumable Hazard”, so it might take a minute. Or three forms. Maybe six.

Please tell Medic I appreciate him keeping Soldier in one piece, and thank you for stepping in to help. I know you didn’t get to finish nursing school, but honestly? That doesn’t make you any less capable. Medic wouldn’t trust just anyone near an open abdomen. He barely trusts people with his stapler.

And—um—this part is important, so I’m just going to say it even if it comes out awkwardly: what happened with your ex wasn’t your fault. Losing something because someone took the choice away from you is not the same as failing. You deserved better than that, and you still do. If you ever want help getting back into nursing school… I can get you the paperwork. I’d like to help. Really.

Let me know how Soldier is doing when things calm down. And if you’re doing okay, too.

— Miss Pauling

[msdotpauling]

heyyy paulin', uh, say-- you look real -- uh, pretty tonight!...

uh, anyway, you know da whole -- base is super secret , thing? Uhhh, hehehehhh... , how much trouble would someone-- you know, IN THEORY, get in , if he-- OR - OR SHE. if, they went and , uh, invited someone... to da RED base?...

Hi.

Thanks for the... compliment. I think.

Now—about the theoretical situation you're describing: inviting unauthorized civilians to a classified military base, which is currently housing nine highly volatile mercenaries, several tons of experimental weaponry, and the occasional sentient bread monster would be considered a catastrophic security breach.

In theory, of course.

In practice, they’d be in… let’s call it career-ending levels of trouble. And depending on the mood the Administrator is in that day... possibly a shallow grave.

So... please, please don’t.

(Also, just putting this out there: if anyone has done something like this recently... now would be a really great time to tell me.)

[msdotpauling]

Heyooooooo, it's been a good couple of months since anyone invited you to a solid girl's night, so I figured I'd invite you to mine! My Pyro will be there, but they behave pretty well on girl's night. I invite them every time because they're kind of the only one who isn't a full on man on my team. We have movies and (definitely not smuggled in or stolen) drinks!

- Blu Cheerleader ♡ (@CheerQueenBITES)

A girl’s night, huh? I could use a break from paperwork for once, so thank you for the invite. When is this happening, exactly? I might need to swap out a few plans, but I’m sure I can make it work.

[msdotpauling]

how do you like your coffee my liege...

I usually don’t have time for anything fancy, so just a strong black coffee to make sure I’m awake when I need to be. If I’m adding anything to it, it’s just a touch of sugar.

[msdotpauling]

how do you like your coffee my liege...

I usually don’t have time for anything fancy, so just a strong black coffee to make sure I’m awake when I need to be. If I’m adding anything to it, it’s just a touch of sugar.

[msdotpauling]

👁️👁️

…Do you need something?

[msdotpauling]

What if gay people.. were real

God, I hope so. It would explain a lot.

[msdotpauling]

Sooo.. you seeing anyone lately? Don’t see a ring on your finger

I mean technically no, at least not exclusively. But I also don’t wear rings because it tends to get caught on the safety when I’m disarming bombs.