what i am doing

she/her transfem, studying orthopedagogy!!!

[mslilyth]

"The more in control the mark things they are, the more easily they respond to real control"

[mslilyth]

I feel so lost these past couple of months.

I failed some exams so I have to retake them in august, yay. Now I won't get to go to the Philippines for the whole month of august, so I disappointed my mother, again.

A person I thought I was good friends with has done so many sketchy shit the past few months and didn't even wanna give me the money he owed me, and he hasn't been seen since the exams in january.

Now I feel lonely again. Idk.

Been thinking of upgrading my canon 40d to a camera like the 650d, so I can shoot and record, without needing a second camera, but I'm kinda short on money, I hope I get this sales job I applied for, I got to go on 2 zoom meetings and I'm supposed to get a call in the next 24 hrs so that's promising!

This girl, I have a crush (?) on hasn't returned to our scouts for a few weeks. Just from an organisational standpoint we miss her, a leader in the other group she's supposed to be in, is on his own now and I feel bad cuz I get to be in a group of 3 leaders, but my headleaders have no kids so they usually help him out. I just wish I could see her again. (This is so cringe.)

Been reading a lot less.

Been very tired the last weeks.

And I've been kind of getting suicidal thoughts again, yippee.

Been mindlessly scrolling again.

Been bingewatching any youtube video/short again.

Been gaming again.

Positive things have happened, but it feels so exhausting and undeserving to even talk about the good stuff, because the negative is easier to puke out than it is to boast about the good.

[mslilyth]

"Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration."

[scaredgirlhorny]

FUCK THIS GIRL IS EXPLAINUNG DARK SOULS SHIT AND I WANNA KISS HER SOOOOOOOO BADLY OH MY FUCKING GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IM SO GAY IM SO FUCKING GAY

[mslilyth]

😭😭

[mslilyth]

^Loved this one. It fucking SNOWEDDDD, and not some sad pathetic snow like the past few years in Brussels, no it was like 10-15cm. Giving me the opportunity to take soo many pictures, and this is one of them :).

So just did my 2nd exam today: communication, it was so easy lol. Had a subject monday (idk how to translate that one to english, maybe Supporting Methods and Practices?) and it didn't go as expected? Most people were confused like me at the questions but I think I bullshitted enough to pass lol.

A guy who owed me 50 euros since november finally payed me back, so lez gooo.

Made a garlic bread croque-monsieur and.. it was pretty mid. Though I think it's because of the soft bread I was using that fucked up the texture, since garlic bread is usually pretty hard (I mean you're using a baguette lmao). So I'm just gonna buy harder bread and try again, ain't giving up!!

Also.. there's like this girl (We'll call her Emelyn)? (Gosh this is so embarrassing lmao) And before I start typing more, she has a gf. I recently met her because she joined my scouts with a friend of hers because the last one they were in was super toxic, so they decided to join our random scouts, one of the smallest in Brussels lmao. Anyhow, she is also into photography which is pretty cool, and I could list more things but I just have a little crush, I think? This past year I've been so confused about who I am as a transgirl, that I've been "crushing" on every girl I see, it's partly envy, them just being beautiful, but I've discovered that I'm mostly seeking for their.. approval (as a girl or something? It's a weird way to try and feel validated Ik but I can't do anything about it)??? So it's been easy to analyze whether I actually have a crush on these peeps and I concluded I didn't. But then she, Emelyn, came around. I thought "oh just more gender envy because she's beautiful like every fucking girl AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA". But then I started finding her more and more interesting as a person and now... I sometimes can't stop thinking about her. She has a gf, so I can't really hope for anything but to not get a mental breakdown/panic attack like I did with my last crush, cuz I felt so embarrassed (story for another day). The worst part is that I've become pretty okay friends with her (a friendship that's just supported on like 4 months of knowing each other, ain't super deep yet or summin) and I can't help but try and know more about her, it just hurts more that I have to keep crushing on every girl I see and can't try and just be friends. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY.

Idk.

[mslilyth]

aa

I've been reallyyy stressing the past few weeks. Didn't expect time to fly by and my exams are starting in 4 days... There's so much pressure from my parents to not fail them, just so I won't miss a holiday trip to the Philippines for a month (my family I barely know live there). Also my track record of exams have been shit so..

BUT I REALLY BELIEVE IN MYSELF RIGHT NOW, I think?? idk.

I know my stuff, I studied (though I need to keep that up, don't know everything I need to know fully yet haha), and I've studied more now than I have in my entire life, but I still think I'm gonna fuck it up somehow.

Been ""wasting"" so much money on clothes to fill my sad wardrobe a bit, and it's been going great I think :). A red blouse is coming soon and I'm so excited!! (Wish I had more money though ;-;, maybe I should get a job).

Sweet Home S2 came out like a month ago, started watching it and wtf, the first few episodes have been sooo bad, like the first season had so much intertwined plot lines, stories, a goal and a pretty satisfying 'ending' (obviously leading to S2). But now all the stories are scattered, soldiers that we barely get to know still get so much screen time, like what is happening? The original cast feel all kinda useless now, even the dog in S1 was fun to have, but only the main character with their new buddy are actually doing something... even the hot firewoman (like holy shit I wanna be her, or be stepped on by her) is doing jack shit, she's only walking or driving a car 99% of the time.

Okay I know I've only watched like 2 episodes but I'm NOT engaged, this is just sad, hopefully it gets better..

k baii!! o/

-L

[mslilyth]

10 posts!

Bruhh 💀💀

[ivy-arts-random]

What overstimulation feels like.

[theninjabozo]

Yeah.

[mslilyth]

:( true

[mslilyth]

100 likes!

... these feel annoying to do lmao

[mslilyth]

5 posts!

Pointless milestone, achieved!!

[mslilyth]

Proud of this particular one, it's a month old but might aswel put it here for anyone that is interested. idk.

Had a good day of studying, finished doing my communication subject summary and now I just need to study study study study... it's boring but it's my first year in orthopedagogy and this is the most theory I'll have, next 2 years are supposed to be more practical.

Started a few episodes of Love, deaths & robots and it's sooo cool, I recommend it!

I got a camera from a friend that studies photography, she couldn't be annoyed to get this ancient charger (cuz you gotta take the battery out of it), but I'm used to doing it with a better camera and hey, a camera's a camera.

It's an Olympus mju 1040. Not gonna pretend I know that much about cameras but reviews says it's alright, especially for how tiny it is. The charger I ordered for it on amazon hasn't arrived yet but I'm patient (I'm not, just good at hiding it). I'm excited to make photos with it, but can't do it too much since.. my exams are starting the 15th! Wooo, but I'll be fine, I won't do as bad as my previous years, this year is the year!!

-Lilyth

[mslilyth]

50 likes!

Was not thinking of posting this cuz its ridiculous but thats why Im posting it anyways ahahhaha

[steemyart]

they're madly in love

[mslilyth]

😭😭

[mslilyth]

Almost 3 am rn and I just cant sleep. Just finished Radio Silence and so much shit is going through my head. I CANT FAIL MY STUDIESSSSS. Why??? idk. :(

[mslilyth]

hello

So it's like 11:30 pm here when I'm writing this, I was reading Radio Silence by Alice Oseman (GREAT writer btw, check her out) and got inspired to.. start this I guess? idk.

I've been looking for a way to blurt my emotions out, things I keep to myself or just random stuff, because some shit can just not be said to other people, because they don't care. At least not the people around me anyways, maybe there are people out there that would like to hear me talk about random shit all the time.

But yeah I'm not even done with the book yet, but it's been AMAZING so far. I feel like I've been trapped the past years of my life trying to be a person that other people want me to be or just see me as. I did "science" as my overall study program in high school. I had lots of maths, biology, chemistry, physics.. you know, the usual. And I did that stuff for 4 years till the end.. I hated like 98% of it. I felt like I got pressured into doing that because I had (and still have) a fascination for numbers, but I didn't like it that much. Last year I tried to do political and social sciences.. yeah that didn't work out too.

I then realised I like helping other people and improve their lives so now I'm studying orthopedagogy (which is basically helping other people). I know people just want me to be happy and were encouraging me to do stuff they think I liked so I don't blame them.

Soo I guess I should be happy now?

I've even found a new hobby (photography, oo original) that made me feel some sort of fulfillment throughout the months, which has been feeling sooo great. I'm studying something I like (in a way that is not like just studying theory, I'm actively learning stuff by doing it not just listening to a teacher for 6 hours straight a day), I've been out as trans comfortably in school and everyone is so supportive.

But I still feel so sad. I don't know why, I feel like I'm ungrateful?

SO many people are supporting me, I feel like I'm just not even allowed to be sad.

Anyways (ADHD brain was talking again), Frances was so relatable in the book, and the part when she's going through a hard time, losing her best friend Aled who is gone to university because his identity got exposed and he blames Frances for everything.. that was so sad. I don't blame anyone there, they're both right to feel disappointed and distrusting since Aled has this awful relationship with his mother and Frances clearly did not want this to happen.

It showed that people who are living life at its best can easily fall down to the the worst parts of life, unexpectedly.

So as I mentioned I haven't finished the book yet (I'm planning to!) but I HIGHLY recommend it already.

Hope you cared 'bout what I said! -MsLilyth