mslittlefickle

[mslittlefickle]

21. 2016

Why, hello there. 

[mslittlefickle]

20. 超現實

最近很像活在夢中。

[mslittlefickle]

19. Salmon Holes

1. Sipping on our Monster vodkas and munching on rice crackers and custard cream biscuits, we watched as the guys pulled five big, beautiful salmons out of the ocean.

2. So far I’ve had the pleasure of meeting a marine biologist in the becoming, an accountant, a master hairstylist, a chef, a ton of engineers, a farmer on a hike... a couple of friends. And it’s a constant reminder to myself that it’s not everyday you get to live, work, and manage a hostel. It might just very well be one of those once in a lifetime experiences.

[mslittlefickle]

“Susan Strasberg recalled a moment while she and Marilyn were walking through New York City. They’d been relatively unbothered most of the day; no one seemed to notice the blonde bombshell in public, which Susan found odd. Suddenly, Marilyn turned to Susan and said, ‘Do you want to see me be her?’

Susan said, ‘She seemed to make some inner adjustment, something ‘turned on’ inside her, and suddenly — there she was — not the simple girl I’d been strolling with, but ‘Marilyn Monroe’. Now heads turned. People crowded around us.” - M.J. Pack

[mslittlefickle]

18.

1. I cried, seeing Mana waving us off from the parking lot at Whitis Court for the very last time.  

2. Really beginning to dislike this transient lifestyle with its constant separations and goodbyes. Dear Austin, will you take me? 

3.  Finally broke the news to mom today, and she insisted on having him stay over for the summer.  

[mslittlefickle]

SUCH an amazing routine.

[mslittlefickle]

17. “Religon”

1. I dislike that word.

2. Contrary to the highly popularized SAD-reduction model, I decided to skip the RTF end of the year party for a dinner with friends, and I am so. glad. I did. Take that, therapists. 

3. At said dinner, I discovered that three of us four girls in my Bible study group had broken up with our non-Christian boyfriends. I guess there is some condolence in company. 4. But it continues to hurt. At yesterday’s party, she told me how she wished her a Happy Mother’s Day and how “it was bad”.  And today, I saw Aunty’s photos on Facebook... and wondered who would get her flowers now...because despite her always shrugging it off as a waste of money, I knew she loved them, but doesn’t receive them for her sons... I couldn’t even bring myself to say it. I just can’t. Not at this moment. 

[mslittlefickle]

16. Why I don’t like Meetup groups

They create this kind of environment where you are expected to - I don’t know - become best buddies with everyone on the scene simply because you have ONE common interest (even if views towards that particular interest vary). Maybe it’s just me, and maybe I’m the only one feeling the pressure, but it seems so constructed and formulaic. Guess I prefer more organic experiences, meeting someone at a board game night at a friend’s place, or sharing my syllabus with the classmate who showed up 30 minutes late to class (which is basically how I met my best friend, haha). 

[mslittlefickle]

15.

1. Today I did the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. I broke up with Andy. It was my first time... and I never ever want to do something like this again. 

2. How do you forget five, almost six, years worth of memories? I’m guessing the answer is, you can’t. 

27.04.2015: It’s the hardest when I’m alone. He (and his family) is, and always will be, a constant presence and influence in my life. He is the reason for my OCD, he is why I am a much better communicator now compared to the 19 years prior, why I’ve become much less self-centered and more in-tune with other people’s feelings, why I’ve become so much more appreciative of culture and of technology, why I’ve become a much better daughter, niece, and granddaughter ... and a much more confident person. 

I really did love him, and I think there will always be a part of me that will always, always  only want the best for him. I guess I’m now in the second-guessing part of the stage... Maybe if I had been a better communicator, maybe if he had proposed to me when he came last Christmas, maybe if I had emphasized how much certain values meant to be, maybe if I would just give up being just so damn selfish and always wanting to explore the world, maybe if I had tried harder... that we would’ve worked out. I don’t think I could ever find anyone who loves me more than he loves me. So much so that he is willing to give up his family, his dreams, just so I was happy. I was his world. I guess... he wasn’t as big a part of mine (but it was still a huge, huge part). 

It didn’t really hit me until yesterday, when I received well wishes from Aunty following my explanation... That she still thinks I am a smart and good girl even after what I did, or am doing, to her son. That she thinks it was a very mature decision on my part. That she’s proud to have seen me grow to the person I am today. I guess a part of me was thinking that she would persuade me or even convince me to change my mind. Maybe I was subconsciously hoping for her to come up with a solution that would render the separation bit unnecessary. I guess her wishing me well sort of solidified the break up. That if even she, as a mother, agreed that it was the right decision to make - despite her saying she loved me more than her two sons and that she would miss me terribly - that this really is the end. 

But it just hurt SO. MUCH. So. so. much. Knowing that he isn’t eating, knowing that it hurts for them just to think about me. Knowing that they loved me as one of their very own. Thinking about all the happier times, our family trips. I really thought we were family. How they took me in when I was scared and frightened and didn’t have a home, didn’t have family to fall back on, didn’t have friends... I feel like such... a horrible person. Like I don’t deserve another relationship because I gave up something so beautiful, someone who cared for me more than I would ever care for myself. 

Over the past years I’ve developed this sort of blocking mechanism to deal with depression where I simply don’t think about bad experience and simply forget. It’s also resulted in suppressed memories of happier times... It’s pretty much become all a blur. But yesterday... I think it finally broke down, I started remembering... Remembering when he came and cleaned the house when I was vomiting and in pain. How he made the congee, and cleaned my puke, and bought me soda. How he always, always believed in me, no matter what fickle idea I had in mind... How he would help me button up my jackets, and forbade me from any dangerous activities... 

How I would always worry about all the admin stuff for him because he could never remember to pay his bills on time, or help him argue with customer service reps over ridiculous charges, encourage him when he thought he couldn’t get into any masters program or couldn’t get a job, how much he loved eating scallops (I’ve never seen anyone have a foodgasm prior to him), how he would drench french toasts in syrups and cut them into little pieces for me to eat... how I would help him poke the lemons for the lemon ice teas, that very moment on the MTR after our trip to Tai O and the Big Buddha when I knew that I liked him and laid my head on his shoulder for the very first time... How he would always cook up a storm for me when I got hungry in the middle of the night.... and prepare lunches for me when I worked as a shipping clerk in Vancouver. How much we both loved cat videos, and wanted to get a Momo of our own... How I had to always fall asleep before him or else his snores would keep me awake all night. How he would wake up early on a Saturday morning to make me a cup of coffee before I left for work. How he knew exactly how I liked my coffee, dark with lots of sugar. How..... we became such an integral part of each other’s lives. 

I know, I know, it’s supposed to get better with time but right now it’s taking everything, just EVERYTHING I’ve got, not to call him up and saying “I didn’t mean it. Please have me back. I’m never doing this to us again.”. Cos it hurts so, so bad. Logically, in the back of my mind I know this is the right thing to do due to the uncertainty of our future and also because of a variance in our core beliefs/values/whatever... but right now, it feels like ... it feels like my heart is giant hollow hole  and my eyes just can’t stop tearing. That something very, very important of me, maybe even vital to me, has gone completely missing. And I can’t tell him about my newest nose piercing, or my plans to go to Houston, or share that cute cat video (I couldn’t even bring myself to watch) that I saw on my news feed the other day of a cat that likes to walk on its hind legs. That I knew he would’ve loved. 

I can’t imagine how much worse he’s feeling. And it kills me. Cos I care so, so much for him. OH my gosh. I know that this is for a reason, but this is the last week and a half of school for me and I really really need SOMETHING, just aNYTHING, to get me through. Cos I never thought I would be crying to the point of gasping for air. Cos I never knew I could experience so much emotional pain.  Because I feel so, so broken and completely incomplete at this very moment. 

[mslittlefickle]

14. San Antonio

More details on places ventured later, I guess. Also, #bestrootbeerIvehadinmylife #itcamefromakeg. 

[mslittlefickle]

Just now went through my San Antonio pics and found four additional ones that I don't remember taking. 

[mslittlefickle]

13. The #iwishmyteacherknew series

By Kyle Schwartz. 

#iwishihadthechancetodothiswheniwasstillteaching. 

#iwishicouldcontinueteachingbutitburnsmeouttoomuch.

[mslittlefickle]

12. That time of the semester where every waking-second not spent being productive slowly but surely builds up into a panic attack

1. After a recent turn of events, involving a whole lot more nights out than chill days, it looks like I have to begrudgingly admit the power of the social network and exchange of ideas (Although there is still a teeny tiny part of me that is stubbornly holding out!). 

2. Despite my recent aberrant and exhausting interest in socialization, I have also reluctantly acquiesced to becoming a Twitter data collection robot and a data entry laborer. Looking at the amount of data yet to be entered and analyzed, I am almost fairly certain that my thesis will be done using strictly qualitative methods. 

3. In totally unrelated news, BRO ORANGE AND MATT HAVE REUNITED IN LA!! Not quite sure why, but updates from these two always manage to bring a smile on my face. Maybe it’s because they are a constant reminder that there is so much more to life outside of research papers, team meetings, and wondering how on earth I’m going to pay the next tuition bill. 

[mslittlefickle]

... It's all about looking at the Internet in an entirely new way. To realize, there's just so much more to it than posting duck faced pictures of yourself online. You could be changing the world."

Jack Andraka, in his talk on how he developed a cheap, effective way to detect pancreatic cancer at the age of 15.

[mslittlefickle]

船到橋頭自然直

我人生中只有兩個人對我說過這番說話。

[mslittlefickle]

[mslittlefickle]

11. The Digital Divide

In response to Straubhaar et al’s (2013) Inequity in the Technopolis: Race, Class, Gender, and the Digital Divide in Austin.

This week’s readings made me recall a study conducted by Evans et. al (2010) titled Family scholarly culture and educational success: Books and schooling in 27 nations that suggests amount of books in a household - instead of family background (education & occupation), income, socioeconomic status, or father’s habitus – is a significant indicator of a child’s academic success as it creates a scholarly environment. If we presume that we are in the era of creative economies and a tech-driven workforce, I wonder if the computer may have replaced the book as almost crucial to academic success and upward social mobility, and if it has, what can be done to enhance media expectancy values and increase meaningful civic participation for disadvantaged groups towards the computer as well as other digital devices. A lot of the initiatives explored in the book’s chapters focused on providing physical access to ICT and work-related training, but there did not seem to be much mention of programs that explore potential artistic, social, vocational or political uses of the computer. In fact, it is quite ironic that researches noted how lab monitors are mostly provided with guidelines on what public computers cannot be used for and no information on how to present the kind of opportunities that can be made the most of using the technology. This then restrict older users’ computer usage to job hunting and utilitarian purposes and does not encourage younger users to employ the resource beyond social networking, homework, and gaming… which may ultimately continue to perpetuate the racial segregation through a second-level digital divide.