Random Thoughts:
I want to work in a restaurant where my sister work.
Boyfriend/Husband: HARRY STYLES 😂😂😂

shark vs the universe

JVL
h
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"

Love Begins

ellievsbear
almost home

pixel skylines
AnasAbdin
Show & Tell
ojovivo

Kaledo Art

roma★
Stranger Things

祝日 / Permanent Vacation
Keni
noise dept.

Origami Around

❣ Chile in a Photography ❣

seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from Canada

seen from United States

seen from Singapore

seen from United States

seen from United States

seen from Portugal
seen from United Kingdom

seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from Brazil
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from United States
@mswhoareyou
Random Thoughts:
I want to work in a restaurant where my sister work.
Boyfriend/Husband: HARRY STYLES 😂😂😂
What Happened If You Have PCOS or Myoma? Or Both?
I have both of them. I don’t know when it exactly started. All I know is, by that time, I ear a lot and so fast to gain weight. That never happened to me before. No matter how much I eat. My weight stay the same. That’s the first thing I noticed. But I was thinking, maybe because I’m getting old, that’s why I gain weight easily? From 54kg to 67kg.
Then I was thinking “maybe this started when I was in college?”
Cause my hair fall started at that time. And that’s one of the symptoms too. There are times, that it creeps me out, cause I can clearly see my scalp. I was scared, I might get bald.
For us women, our hair is so important. This is what gives us confidence and glow, and life and beauty. Imagine having a hair fall more than the amount it should be. It stress me out. It scares me.
When I was in high school until I got into college, my body measurement never change. But this is how it looks like now...
Looks like a 5 months pregnant.
How does it affect me?
I was just started to gain my confidence and then things happened. I feel sad before. I felt bad for myself. From small sizes of clothes to large.
What Did I Do To Keep Moving?
You know, that was before. I am totally fine now. How? You know challenges and difficulties has always been a part of our lives. I accepted the fact, that I have to be in this situation. But I do trust God and I know he do trust me too. I know he has plans for me.
I just have to keep on holding on and keep my faith stable.
I know he has something in there for me. He’s not gonna let things happened without any reason .
And for every girls and women who is in the same situation as mine. We can do it. We can get through this.
Other symptoms:
Forget things more often: like, you left your phone in the couch, and a few steps away from the couch, you gonna start looking for it everywhere... except the couch.
Dysmenorrhea 10x. So much pain when you have your period. For me, it feels like I’m gonna lose my lower part of the body, cause of so much pain, your legs become numb, and it makes your head ache too. There are times that it won’t let me sleep. I didn’t want to rely on pain reliever, but there ate times that I have to. There are times that I can’t help but cry, because of too much pain.
Super heavy flow. I used up to 3 packs of sanitary napkin a day. You’ll lose so much blood. You know what that means, right? There are times that when I take a bath, I sit in the toilet bowl for the whole time, cause the blood keeps on flowing. It doesn’t stop, as in, no pause.
Easily get mad. You’ll gonna feel bad all the time for those who didn’t do anything to you. But then, you talk to them like they did something to you. I’m really sorry for that.
A period that last for a week to months. And it’s irritating and frustrating and stressful.
Get tired easily.
What to do?:
Consult your doctor. And make sure to do what they say. Take every medicine they give. Make sure to visit them regularly. Why? Cause your myoma and pcos might get worse. You’re not gonna like it.
Always calm yourself.
Diet and excercise.
And for the family and friends and boyfriends of patient:
Please have more patience and understanding. We never asked for this thing. No women likes it. We need your understanding and patience and prayers more than anything and more than anyone anyone. And thank you for that 😊
Why I Don’t Have a Stable Job? What’s Wrong?
When I was in High School, I become so different. I’m shy. No confidence. Been bullied. Scared to be alone. It took awhile before I can have my own circle of friends. But at least, I got friends. True friends. High school has been so challenging to me. I’m scared to go to school, might bump into bullies. I’m just so thankful that I’ve met people who I can run to, when I’m troubled. Those people are my friedns until now. We’re like sisters now, you know.
Then time came when I have to get separated from them. You know what I mean. If you want to go to college you have to go on your own way. Cause they do. You will choose a different path from them. That’s where the “REAL” student life begins.
Some of them took Architecture. Some are HRM, MedTech, BSBA, etc. And me? UNDECIDED. I almost never made it to college, cause my mom thinks, I don’t want to study anymore. BUT NO... I’m just... I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT.
What should I take? What exactly I want? The answer... I really don’t know. My family asked me to take Education, so I can be a teacher after. And I was like “we’re all teachers here. I want something different”. Think of it... you want something different but doesn’t know what kind of difference. So I took Tourism, where my best friend is. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t take it to be with her. I just really don’t know what to take. I’m still confuse, I still don’t know what it’s like after you graduate. Didn’t know how hard life can be after college.
And then during my first semester there, I was like “oh it’s not bad to be a flight attendant, you know”. But then, time goes by I started to realize, I’m not belong here. I can’t be like this. Wearing make up all day. Wearing at least 2 inch of heels. In fact, I’m not as beautiful as those people. This is not for me.
So after the first semester, I decided to shift. But still... what course? What degree? I still don’t know.
Due to some circumstances that time, and since I have so much problem that time not just as a student, I decided to follow my family’s suggestion. Education.
I like it there. It was fun. I enjoy it. Not until we had this activity to perform your 8 hidden talents. I forgit how they exactly call it. But that was something like that. We have to perform. I don’t have talents. What should I do? I know how to sing. How to dance. But I’m not good at it. I’m scared. I’m shy. People might laugh at me, if I did it wrong. I might get bullied again.
At the day of performance. I was so nervous. My heart seems to get out if my chest anytime and die.
I didn’t do it. And I never come back. That was our final exam. My professor and classmates never see me that time.
I don’t know what happened next. All I know is that, my mom agreed, that, I have to change course again.
You know the feeling of being a failure? Useless? Worthless! That’s what I felt that time. I am nothing but... nothing.
I promised to my mom, that I’m gonna make it this time. I’ll do it right by now. I’m not gonna waste it AGAIN. This time it’s real.
So then, I did my best. I tried everything I can do, to at least gain some confidence. Just a little. “PLEASE SELF! YOU CAN DO IT! YOU HAVE TO DO IT!”. I don’t know how, but I’m just doing fine. I’m doing great. Maybe HRM is what’s best for me. I made friends. New friends. And yeah, I finished school with that course. I am a gradute of BACHELOR OF SCIENCE IN HOTEL & RESTAURANT MANAGEMENT.
And there... I thought I’m good. That I did great, cause finally I’m a graduate.
Life After College
This is the real world. This is where adulting begin. You have to find job. And... it’s not easy. Specially to me, who’s credentials/school history are... BAD. I find job online. Go somewhere far, where opportunities are overflowing, like Manila. I pass resume in each and every establishment/company I see, even those that are not related to my course.
Hayys. It’s tiring and hopeless. But I can’t stop, cause I just can’t. I can’t be a failure again.
And then a fast food chain called. And. Was so happy. Finally! Finally! I got one. I have a chance to become a MANAGER. I dream high. Really high. I want it. I want to do it.
At the third day of my training, they asked me to do what cashiers do in a fast food chain. I thought I was ready... but when the customer talked to me... I can’t move. I can’t speak. I’m freezing and shaking. I... I can’t do this. I’m scared to make mistakes that will make the manager mad at me. What if I served the wrong food? What if I punched the wrong product? What uf? What if? What if? So much what ifs!
I told the manager that I am going to quit. Yeah! I quit! Everything is gone. I’m a failure again... I can never be a manager.
You know, when I set my feet in that fast food chain, there I realized that being a manager is what I want. That was the first time, that I ever felt, I have a dream. That’s the first time I become a decisive. This is what I want.
Lesson And Realization
But having dreams, plans and goals isn’t enough to achieve it. You need to have confidence. You need to know exactly what you want and what’s your priorities. You need to make a move. You can never do that if you have so much fears.
You know... I have confidence now. But it’s not enough to give me a better life. But enough to make me realize who I am.
Acceptance. It will help you to move forward.
My decision is what brought me here right now. No one to blame but me.
It’s not too long when I realized that following what you want is what’s best for you.
Seeing my cousin who’s a teacher right made me think “if only, I didn’t quit that time. If only I perform no matter how embarassing it is. If only I have so much confidence. If only I didn’t let fear overcome the best in me. I’m a person my mom will be proud of. “
I can’t change the past. But I can still set a better future for me. I’m 28, not so young, but still breathing. I still have a chance. I know there’s still hope for me. And giving up will never be a choice for me, AGAIN. This time it’s real. You know why? Cause I believe that God will never wake me up the next morning if I’m already done. I know now who I am. I know now EXACTLY what I want. And I’m doing my very best now to make it happened. With God, it will.
I was a mess, cause I always think I’m alone. You know, your fears will help you become a mess. But with God, you will be ok. You will better. You are enough.
If you are like me, not so young and still in a situation where you can’t pay your own bills. Don’t give up. You still have hope. As long as you are still breathing, there’s still have a chance.
If you are a student who’s about to enter college and doesn’t know what course to take. My advice for you is to follow your parents and siblings suggestions. Why? Cause that was the biggest mistake I made in life. Not following them. They know what life like after school. They know the struggle. They know how hard it is to find job. If you are still a student, what you have to think is tour future. I know, people keep on saying to enjoy your life while you are still young. That’s true! But never forget to the possibilities of the future if you let your joy as student take over you. It’s not easy. You have to learn what exactly you want.
If you are in high school, build your confidence now and get to know yourself better. You have to find yourself while you are still in high school, cause it’s too hard to be part of a bigger environment when you are confuse and struggling for what exactly you want. Your time in high school is where you start to think about your future life.
You can do it. Don’t make mistakes like mine. You guys has a bigger chance to fix yourself. Do it and be better. Have confidence 😊
God is always with you. 🙏
To Have A Baby or Not?
Yesterday, I visit my OB for my monthly check up. I have myoma. 10 cm in size. And I’m decided to have my surgery to remove it. Removing it together with my ovary. And if my ovary is gone... I can never have a baby.
So my OB asked me one more time. “Are you sure about it? Is it fine with you not to have a baby? Think about it one more time.”
Most of the women likes to have a baby... a children. It’s part of their dreams. They want to build a family with someone they love. Some, just want to have a partner in life and having no kids is fine. Like, “it’s fine. I’m ok without kids”, and I’m one of those. That’s why I’m 100% decided to take my myoma and my ovary out of me.
Some people say I’m gonna regret this decision. They said “you need to have kids, so that you have someone to take care of you when you grow old”. That thing NEVER changed my mind. I keep on asking myself, “why this people want their kids to be their caregivers? Is that the only reason, why they want kids? I mean, isn’t it for joy? Family? Love?”. I am looking for someone who could give a better reason to change my mind. Cause you know, I have reasons too.
REASONS?
I don’t have a stable job (gonna make a new post about this)
Having kids and to settle down isn’t my priority
My family is.
I’m scared of pain that I’m gonna feel from giving birth.
I just want to make myself better first to be a better woman. Person. So I can be a BETTER MOM someday.
I’m a coward to be a mom.
Sometimes, I feel selfish. You know, that’s what I want. Thinking about those people who always want me to be a mother, it feels like, I am disappointing them. But... I just can’t.
Another thing I can’t stop thinking is maybe, “maybe I am destined to have a child of my own. Maybe that’s what God wants for me. I’m just blinded by my fears” . Maybe? I’m still looking for answers though I am decided. Cause it’s already 10cm. It’s big. Why my doctors keep on telling me to “not to lose hope. PRAY for it. Not now”
So... how? I’m a mess. Not a mess-mess. But I am not contented to the life I have. I want to be better. Having kids isn’t part of my plans. I want this myoma be gone.
Does being a woman who doesn’t want to have kids would make her less of a woman? Does she?