Why I Don’t Have a Stable Job? What’s Wrong?
When I was in High School, I become so different. I’m shy. No confidence. Been bullied. Scared to be alone. It took awhile before I can have my own circle of friends. But at least, I got friends. True friends. High school has been so challenging to me. I’m scared to go to school, might bump into bullies. I’m just so thankful that I’ve met people who I can run to, when I’m troubled. Those people are my friedns until now. We’re like sisters now, you know.
Then time came when I have to get separated from them. You know what I mean. If you want to go to college you have to go on your own way. Cause they do. You will choose a different path from them. That’s where the “REAL” student life begins.
Some of them took Architecture. Some are HRM, MedTech, BSBA, etc. And me? UNDECIDED. I almost never made it to college, cause my mom thinks, I don’t want to study anymore. BUT NO... I’m just... I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT.
What should I take? What exactly I want? The answer... I really don’t know. My family asked me to take Education, so I can be a teacher after. And I was like “we’re all teachers here. I want something different”. Think of it... you want something different but doesn’t know what kind of difference. So I took Tourism, where my best friend is. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t take it to be with her. I just really don’t know what to take. I’m still confuse, I still don’t know what it’s like after you graduate. Didn’t know how hard life can be after college.
And then during my first semester there, I was like “oh it’s not bad to be a flight attendant, you know”. But then, time goes by I started to realize, I’m not belong here. I can’t be like this. Wearing make up all day. Wearing at least 2 inch of heels. In fact, I’m not as beautiful as those people. This is not for me.
So after the first semester, I decided to shift. But still... what course? What degree? I still don’t know.
Due to some circumstances that time, and since I have so much problem that time not just as a student, I decided to follow my family’s suggestion. Education.
I like it there. It was fun. I enjoy it. Not until we had this activity to perform your 8 hidden talents. I forgit how they exactly call it. But that was something like that. We have to perform. I don’t have talents. What should I do? I know how to sing. How to dance. But I’m not good at it. I’m scared. I’m shy. People might laugh at me, if I did it wrong. I might get bullied again.
At the day of performance. I was so nervous. My heart seems to get out if my chest anytime and die.
I didn’t do it. And I never come back. That was our final exam. My professor and classmates never see me that time.
I don’t know what happened next. All I know is that, my mom agreed, that, I have to change course again.
You know the feeling of being a failure? Useless? Worthless! That’s what I felt that time. I am nothing but... nothing.
I promised to my mom, that I’m gonna make it this time. I’ll do it right by now. I’m not gonna waste it AGAIN. This time it’s real.
So then, I did my best. I tried everything I can do, to at least gain some confidence. Just a little. “PLEASE SELF! YOU CAN DO IT! YOU HAVE TO DO IT!”. I don’t know how, but I’m just doing fine. I’m doing great. Maybe HRM is what’s best for me. I made friends. New friends. And yeah, I finished school with that course. I am a gradute of BACHELOR OF SCIENCE IN HOTEL & RESTAURANT MANAGEMENT.
And there... I thought I’m good. That I did great, cause finally I’m a graduate.
This is the real world. This is where adulting begin. You have to find job. And... it’s not easy. Specially to me, who’s credentials/school history are... BAD. I find job online. Go somewhere far, where opportunities are overflowing, like Manila. I pass resume in each and every establishment/company I see, even those that are not related to my course.
Hayys. It’s tiring and hopeless. But I can’t stop, cause I just can’t. I can’t be a failure again.
And then a fast food chain called. And. Was so happy. Finally! Finally! I got one. I have a chance to become a MANAGER. I dream high. Really high. I want it. I want to do it.
At the third day of my training, they asked me to do what cashiers do in a fast food chain. I thought I was ready... but when the customer talked to me... I can’t move. I can’t speak. I’m freezing and shaking. I... I can’t do this. I’m scared to make mistakes that will make the manager mad at me. What if I served the wrong food? What if I punched the wrong product? What uf? What if? What if? So much what ifs!
I told the manager that I am going to quit. Yeah! I quit! Everything is gone. I’m a failure again... I can never be a manager.
You know, when I set my feet in that fast food chain, there I realized that being a manager is what I want. That was the first time, that I ever felt, I have a dream. That’s the first time I become a decisive. This is what I want.
But having dreams, plans and goals isn’t enough to achieve it. You need to have confidence. You need to know exactly what you want and what’s your priorities. You need to make a move. You can never do that if you have so much fears.
You know... I have confidence now. But it’s not enough to give me a better life. But enough to make me realize who I am.
Acceptance. It will help you to move forward.
My decision is what brought me here right now. No one to blame but me.
It’s not too long when I realized that following what you want is what’s best for you.
Seeing my cousin who’s a teacher right made me think “if only, I didn’t quit that time. If only I perform no matter how embarassing it is. If only I have so much confidence. If only I didn’t let fear overcome the best in me. I’m a person my mom will be proud of. “
I can’t change the past. But I can still set a better future for me. I’m 28, not so young, but still breathing. I still have a chance. I know there’s still hope for me. And giving up will never be a choice for me, AGAIN. This time it’s real. You know why? Cause I believe that God will never wake me up the next morning if I’m already done. I know now who I am. I know now EXACTLY what I want. And I’m doing my very best now to make it happened. With God, it will.
I was a mess, cause I always think I’m alone. You know, your fears will help you become a mess. But with God, you will be ok. You will better. You are enough.
If you are like me, not so young and still in a situation where you can’t pay your own bills. Don’t give up. You still have hope. As long as you are still breathing, there’s still have a chance.
If you are a student who’s about to enter college and doesn’t know what course to take. My advice for you is to follow your parents and siblings suggestions. Why? Cause that was the biggest mistake I made in life. Not following them. They know what life like after school. They know the struggle. They know how hard it is to find job. If you are still a student, what you have to think is tour future. I know, people keep on saying to enjoy your life while you are still young. That’s true! But never forget to the possibilities of the future if you let your joy as student take over you. It’s not easy. You have to learn what exactly you want.
If you are in high school, build your confidence now and get to know yourself better. You have to find yourself while you are still in high school, cause it’s too hard to be part of a bigger environment when you are confuse and struggling for what exactly you want. Your time in high school is where you start to think about your future life.
You can do it. Don’t make mistakes like mine. You guys has a bigger chance to fix yourself. Do it and be better. Have confidence 😊
God is always with you. 🙏
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