The Boy with the Toaster Tattoo @muffinzthehuman - Tumblr Blog

When your boss tells you to keep your phome close because they may be calling you in to work.

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I have these two neighbours and they’re married and they gotta be like in their late 30s and I’m making dinner and I look out the window and they’re running around outside in their pajamas and bare feet with water pistols soaking eachother and laughing so loud it made me realise I’m wasting so much time trying to make relationships perfect when all that’s really needed is someone who will laugh with me for the rest of my life

muffinzthehuman

I know I've got mine! captainmaggpie :)

40ozbaka

stop for a minute and realize you are a 10lb brain piloting a slab of meat

sorelatable

nessaanne92

or until you hear the terrifying things they say at 3am…

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or the emotional and deep things at 2 am

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… Or know the reason why they didn’t go to bed at 1am.

feyminism-blog

epic-humor

Porn Sex vs Real Sex: The Differences Explained With Food

muffinzthehuman

Disturbing, yet educational.

hayworths

fidestar

i sometimes think about this scene when i shower

muffinzthehuman

Wait, you're actually supposed to wash twice? Bullshit.

funoftheday

eviezella

Please read this****

If a thief forces you to take money from an ATM, do not argue or resist. What you should do is punch your pin in reverse. EX: if your pin is 1234 you punch 4321. The moment you punch in the reverse, the money will come out but will be stuck in the machine and the machine will immediately alert the police without the theif’s knowledge. Every ATM has this feature.

Reblog this so everyone knows, this happens all the time especially in the city

vandigo-deactivated20180131

ATM’S DO NOT HAVE THIS FEATURE. I CANNOT BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE ACCIDENTALLY PUT IN A PIN NUMBER BACKWARDS AT AN ATM FOR WHATEVER REASON, AND IT JUST GIVES AN ERROR MESSAGE SAYING INCORRECT PIN.

I ALSO CANNOT BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE HAD TO EXPLAIN TO CUSTOMERS OF THE BANK I USED TO WORK CUSTOMER SERVICE FOR THAT NO, AUTOMATIC TELLER MACHINES DO NOT FUCKING DO THIS.

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF SOMEONE GRABS YOU AT AN ATM AND THREATENS YOU FOR ALL YOUR ACCOUNTS MONEY? YOU GIVE THEM YOUR GODDAMN MONEY, CALL THE POLICE, AND THEN CALL THE BANK. THE CAMERA ON THE FUCKING ATM SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT THEIR FACE, AND THERES USUALLY ANOTHER CAMERA NEARBY JUST IN CASE THEY SHIELD THEMSELVES FROM THE ATM CAMERA. CALL THE POLICE FIRST, AND THEN CALL YOUR FUCKING BANK. TELL THE PERSON WHO WORKS FOR THE BANK WHAT HAPPENED, AND THEY WILL TAKE THE POLICE REPORT NUMBER, AND RETURN THE MONEY TO YOUR GODDAMN ACCOUNT.

THAT IS THE FUCKING POLICY IN THE EVENT OF THIS KIND OF CRIME BEING COMMITTED AGAINST ANY BANKING CUSTOMER.

ATM MACHINES DO NOT HAVE THIS FUCKING FEATURE, STOP SPREADING GODDAMN LIES THAT CAN GET PEOPLE FUCKING HURT SHOULD THEY BE IN THAT PREDICAMENT.

itscolossal

LIX: The World’s Smallest 3D Printing Pen Lets You Draw in the Air

tornacense-deactivated20160927

WHAT

nyctaeus

im wet

donniedarkosarchive

being a pessimist is great i’m always either right or pleasantly surprised

#the optimistic look on pessimism

Tried the Blue Bag of the Doritos Jacked test flavors.

The following is the only way I can describe it: Imagine taking a Cocoa Puff, dipping it in Nacho Cheese, then, as you're putting it in your mouth hole, you get pepper-sprayed by an angry feminist. 3/5, may finish bag.

#doritos #doritos jacked #wat #chocolate #cayenne pepper #angry feminist