Ilya is just some guy who won season tickets through a podcast giveaway.
Shane catching a glimpse of the handsome guy in the expensive seats early into the season (game like 3) while they are stretching. Shane taking 2 seconds to appreciate the view before he locks in.
Ilya having a celebrity crush on Shane Hollander - he in no way thinks that he will ever actually interact with the man but he will enjoy getting to see the man so up close in real life.
Ilya does not miss a single game.
Shane starts looking to the same seats each game - his attraction is risky and he has not acted on his feelings ever...but his heart does a little swoop every time.
Shane has never acted on his feelings or desires. Shane has made peace with his celibacy. In the privacy of his penthouse in Montreal, he can pretend that the handsome stranger with beautiful curls is there to see him specifically. He allows himself some vague romantic notions and possessiveness in the quiet of his own head. This is all he can afford himself and although he feels the loneliness press down on him much harder after the fact, his heart earns for love and for connection.
Ilya just thinks Shane is damn hot. He appreciates the seriousness and dedication that the man has for the sport. He has thought about hitting up the clubs that Metros frequent after home wins just for the off chance to meet Hollander...but his logical brain talks him out of that action on the account of it being creepy. It is not like Hollander is secretly gay. He has famously dated Rose Landry and the blind items claim that they frequently visit one another's homes.
Shane is on fire during the season
The Metros win their Cup and as a reward to himself Shane allows a longer look at the familiar face in the crowd during the celebration on the ice. He hopes to see the man next season.
Shane goes out with his team and bankrolls whatever needs his black card. He is mostly sober and running on an adrenaline high sitting in the VIP seats at Ciel.
Ilya allows himself to do the weird thing and go out...he may not talk to Hollander but with the season over he wanted to get one last glance at the man...maybe a bit closer than before. Although he is not famous enough, he certainly is hot enough to get in. Women are still the commodity but Ciel is in Montreal and pretty men are good eye candy for the men ready to shell out on VIP.
Shane sees the curls flash on the dancefloor and has to do a double take. He is not mistaken. Shane's weighs out the risks of talking to the man. He just wants to know what he sounds like or even what his name is. Shane just wants a taste and he damn it if he has not earned it with how hard he worked this season. With fresh resolve and reassurance that there is definitely a straight explanation for him talking to the man, he walks up to the bar.
"Hey, I could have sworn I have seen you at our games before"
Wow smooth and not awkward at all Hollander, he thought to himself.
"Oh Hello! Uh Yes I had a season pass."
And damn it, that accent was beautiful. Shane could feel the cold talons of want slowly digging deep into his lungs.
"Well thank you for shelling out on us then..."
"Ilya, and not me no, I won a raffle for the tickets! I feel very lucky to have witnessed a cup on home ice"
The man, Ilya, gave Shane a radiant smile that hurt to look at as a hand gave two firm pats on his shoulder.
Shane feels a crash of emotion against his chest. Ilya is not going to be at the rink next season. He is never going to see this man again and there is no normal way to fix this for himself.
"Can I buy winning captain drinks?"
"No...I am well on my way to plastered...however...I could get you some signed merch if you give me your Instagram?"
Was that how that worked? Shane just hopes that is does not come off as too forward or strange or gay.
Shane could have sworn that the man blushed but it is hard to tell under club lights and in his compromised state of delusion.
Shane follows Ilya's account and they part easily. Shane is glad his motivation for merch is not questioned.
Ilya is on cloud nine. He had managed to not only see Shane Hollander but to have a somewhat normal conversation. He was not sure why or how Hollander had recognized him but it did not matter. Shane had promised signed merch and even if it was just politeness, he still got the rush of Hollander following him on Instagram. Just for a second Ilya lived in a bubble where Shane Hollander had come up to talk to him. Hollander will likely forget all about him tomorrow.
Except that there is a DM in the morning asking Ilya for his mailing address, his size, and his favorite players. Ilya of course replies that Hollander is his favorite and in return gets a joke about merch resale values. Ilya gets a box in the mail with a Signed Hollander jersey and an unsigned back up as well as a signed puck from the cup game along with a few other merch items. Included in the box is an envelope with tickets. Season tickets to be specific, with VIP access to the locker rooms for after game celebrations and with a Club Level suite option if he chooses not to sit by the ice. It is ridiculous. Ilya is not sure what to make of the gesture other than to send a very grateful DM back to Hollander. He is left on read.
---
During the next season he has more interactions with Hollander through the post game VIP access. They have polite conversations about absolutely nothing of substance - the hockey player treats him the same as everyone else with too much money on their hands. It makes him feel like he is missing something. Ilya truly does not understand why he is there - any notion of flirtation on Hollanders part is quickly dismissed on the account of well...everything. Ilya might be confused but he also is not going to stop going to games and using up his VIP benefits till the last drop.
The Metros don't win a 4th cup back to back but they have an end of the playoffs party with the all of the staff and big spenders invited (Somehow Ilya is included on this list). He goes and stands by the swanky bar, enjoying free alcohol and watching Shane Hollander out of the corner of his eye.
Shane keeps himself on a tight and spiky leash. The fact that he gets to see Ilya from time to time through the soul draining posturing in front of the VIPs is already more than he could hope for. Talking to the man is the highlight of his month and his only vice. He micro doses Ilya like an addict justifying that just a little bit will be enough this time. It is never enough. In fact it is so not enough that Shane starts to seriously think about coming out. Ilya is probably 99% straight, he has to be for Shane to remain sane. Ilya is not going to look his way even if Shane comes out - if anything Ilya might stop being a fan or coming to the games if Shane is public with his sexuality. That does not stop the terrible rays of hope that now start to seep through Shane's teeth. Even if he will never have Ilya, Ilya had made it impossible for Shane not to want. Ilya had unknowingly opened the floodgates of Shane's heart. Shane wanted to love, Shane wanted to be loved - it did not matter how illogical or inconvenient or terrifying this all was. Ilya had shown up in the stands like an archangel of God and struck Shane down with the idea of freedom.
Shane sends Ilya the same package for the following season even before the Stanley Cup goes to it's new owners.
---
Shane comes out - to his family, to his agent, to management and to his team. Pre-season training starts off strange and stilted but Shane pushes through. Their usual pre season get together kicks off just a smidge less weird. Shane can deal with it - he has JJ and Hayden for back up if things get too awkward.
They are playing some drinking game and Shane, as always, has soju shots instead of tequila. The guys had figured out that Shane really was a lightweight and needed something stronger than a beer to get him to participate. Safe to say Shane was feeling a bit more social when a particularly brave transfer decides to ask what everyone has been thinking.
"Cap, no disrespect or whatever but how come you are allowed to shower with everyone? Isn't that like...sexual harassment."
The room went deadly silent with a few nods of agreement. Clearly this has been bothering the team.
"Do you get turned on looking at your mom? or maybe your sister?"
"I think he is being serious cap." came from somewhere behind Shane.
"I am also being serious." Shane glared around the room. "For one, i see you all as my brothers, as family. The line in my mind is very clear."
He was interrupted before he could get to his next point by the same transfer. "Okay but what about guys like me? you probably don't think of me as a brother yet...what do you say to that?"
"Olsen, you are ugly"
Shane knew he was winning over the room because there were a few loud laughs along with countless stifled ones in response to his comment.
"What the hell, you can't prove that you think im ugly."
Well...Shane could prove that actually...very easily. Shane has not claimed to be the smartest man in the room and certainly not when he was drinking. This is why possible consequences to his words did not linger in his mind long enough for him to re-access the situation.
"You know the dude with the curls that comes to the VIP events?"
Shane saw a few nods in the room. Okay good.
"I bankrolled all of it"
The room blew up in a flurry of questions and genuine surprise.
"Okay shut up for a second. No he is not my anything - I just saw him in the stands and thought he was the hottest guy I have ever seen...so I got him a season pass so that I could see him more. No he does not know I'm gay. No I have not hit on him. You have seen every single interaction I have had with him outside of like 3 Instagram DMs"
JJ lets out a low whistle.
"Capitane you are down baaaaad"
"Shut the fuck up JJ"
Comeau finally chimes in, "Ah, Cap is trying to turn Mr. Curls into a puck bunny...well...good luck with that Holzy, if it does not work out apparently Olsen really wants you to fuck him instead."
Leave it to Comeau to get all of the guys to laugh at his dirty implications. Shane wasn't exactly sure what happened there but since it was not aggressively homophobic he would take that as a good sign.
Then Hayden chimes in - unhelpfully and completely to his own determine.
"I mean....even if Holzy was looking in the showers...we would all know. It's kinda hard to miss..."
"Jesus Christ Hayd! What the fuck"
"Hayd do you have something to share with the class"
"Shane are you his third?"
There are a litany of other, much cruder, comments as Hayden tries to defend himself.
"I'm married and I do not share! What the HELL! I'm just saying that I have accidentally interrupted Shane during his personal time...just like how almost all of us have done!"
"Hayd, i don't know what to tell you but looking at my dick is kinda gay"
Hayden is an idiot and Shane is not above teasing the man. The room erupts and Shane feels like he won something.
---
Shane comes out to the world in a simple Instagram post as the season starts to pick up for them. He makes a splash but he hopes that by the time the season is over, curiosity about him will die down.
Shane is surprised to see Ilya in the stands and in VIP all the same. (Now he gets absolutely clowned on after the VIP's leave but its worth the trouble). He does not address it with the man - he is well aware that there is a strange power imbalance with the whole season pass thing and it is a bit self absorbed to think that he really is Ilya's favorite player. He is glad that Ilya does not treat him any different - well he doesn't really "treat" him as anything at all so...small wins.
Except that when the Metros secure their playoffs spot he gets an Instagram DM from Ilya congratulating him. Shane responds professionally. The next message Shane responds to with his personal number, because he is not smart at all when it comes to handsome men.
The DM reads:
If a gay man spends $100K to see me at his home games does that mean that I can have his number?
----
Epilogue
Shane and Ilya start talking...then they start fucking nasty. Shane is too scared to ask for more and is still uncomfortable with the whole season pass situation. He thinks that maybe this is a bit transactional for Ilya and so he does not hope for more. They have a good time together and his team figures out that Mr. Curls reciprocates Shane's stupid crush. The teasing gets unbearable when they find out that Shane isn't even dating the guy.
Shane is also scared to even ask Ilya for commitment. The man is gorgeous and bisexual where as Shane has no experience dating as an adult and knows that he is intense with a sole focus on hockey. He isn't sure he would be any good at it. He feels himself falling in love anyways.
Ilya meanwhile is earning for Shane, fully head over heels for the guy. He sees the hesitancy in Shane and figures he probably is not as into Ilya as Ilya is into him. Ilya does all he can to be low friction and available just to get to have Shane a bit longer in his life. Ilya fully believes that Shane will leave him any day now for someone famous. He is also kind of certain Shane is sleeping with other people now that he is over the anxiety of his first time. He is a famous hockey superstar away on road trips. Also Shane insists on using condoms...
It takes them a few months but once Shane is hosting a 4th cup over his head, Ilya is all he can think about. Shane makes sure that Ilya is there, holding his hand, in every single club during their cup celebration. There are barely any shots of Shane that do not include Ilya on or around him in some way. Shane kisses him in public and has him pour champaign right into his mouth. It is a headrush.
The next morning Ilya wakes up with Shane staring down on him.
"I know that...I might not have the right to ask this of you but...I wanted last night to be real"
"Wha- Shane it is too early what?"
"I want everyone to know that you are with me"
"Shane I am pretty sure you winning the cup was real and I was with you all night"
"No, Ilya, I want us to be together, I want you, I want a relationship with you."
"Oh..."
"I know that it's too much, I don't know if I will be any good at the whole relations-"
Shane does not get to finish his sentence because Ilya is kissing him hard on the mouth. He holds Shane's head like it is a precious gift and whispers something in Russian right against his lips.
âwhy are you, as someone in their 30s, still on tumblrâ oh so you think youâre gonna be normal when youâre my age? you think youâre gonna be CURED?? you think the witchesâ curse will have been lifted by then?? cmon now
When you lose someone because they took the exit themselves, the last thing you do is idolize what they did. Maybe you put them on an altar as a person, maybe you feel envious sometimes that they could do it and you can't, at most.
Because once you know what it feels like, you can never do it. It feels like a bomb crashing on every single aspect of your life and the life of everyone around that person. Something in you breaks and you'll never be able to put it back together again. The amount of guilt is insurmountable. You'll blame yourself, you'll blame other people, you'll blame them and then blame yourself again. If you have 0.5% of empathy left in your body after you somehow survive it, you know you don't want to cause this amount of pain to anyone in your life, ever. You can have thoughts, you can feel like your life doesn't matter, but you can never make plans. You can never even picture anyone you know, even if you don't know them very well (let alone a loved one) finding you. Or even just receiving the news. Because you know what it's like, and you can't cause that amount of harm to anyone. No matter how isolated you feel.
And you'll be so scared of the thoughts, so scared of getting so broken as to consider it, that it may consume your life. And I hope that fear makes you seek out ways to get out of it, and not just keep living for living's sake.
Anyway,
It's not nice to assume, but I think people that think otherwise, or that don't understand getting angry at someone you lost that way, never went through it and should not talk as if they know what it's like. Just because you know what it's like to want to leave, doesn't mean you know what it's like to survive the leaving of someone else.
I wrote the epilogue for my Soulmate AU fic, though it's more of a Slice-of-Life situation, not much soulmate action. You don't need to have read the first one to enjoy this. It's mostly fluff with a bit of skippable angst on no. 3, and smut on the +1:
Read it on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/83928876
i was thinking this morning about how i categorize fanfic authors that i enjoy like AKC breeds and decided to share my rubric with you:
the specialist: this author has a favorite kink or trope and has written 80% of the content in that tag. you know exactly what youâre getting. they have A Brandâąïž. no matter what other traits they display, dedicated rare pair authors belong here.
the chocolate box: essentially the exact opposite. this author will try anything once. they have 80+ works in the fandom with no discernible pattern. the shortest one is 268 words and the longest is well over 100k. this breed of author may or may not be related to:
the renaissance fan: theyâve written three things in your fandom: your favorite fic, your notp, and a bizarre crossover with a show youâve never heard of. you hit âexpand fandoms listâ on their author page and have to scroll down twice to reach the bottom. whenever you curse the fact that you canât legally commission fic writers, this is the author youâre thinking about.
the horn dog: theyâre here for one thing and one thing only. if someoneâs dick is not in another characterâs mouth within 500 words, they apologize for it in the authorâs notes. they have one (1) g-rated fic.
the rookie: this writer is usually young, new to fandom, or just got a beta-reader for the first time. their fics are a little all over the place, quality-wise, but youâre excited whenever their name pops up because their unique voice gets stronger every time. you feel a personal investment in their development, like youâre an old man reading the local high school sports page and saying âthis kidâs the one to watch.â
the live streamer: the most prolific author in the fandom. their works are all over the front page when you sort by kudos. you have no idea how they generate this much work, and have seriously wondered if they have access to an extra-dimensional time portal. their stories are usually un-betaâd and the characterization varies wildly, but their best works are inspired and youâve read them 30 times.
the cryptid: this one comes out of nowhere every two years, drops the best fanfic youâve ever read, and disappears. fifteen months after you left a three paragraph comment about how they changed your life, you get a message in your inbox that just says âthanks.â
the novelist: we talk about âfiling off the serial numbersâ when someone reworks their most popular story to pitch it as an original novel; this author somehow does the reverse. their fics are excellent, usually long-reaching multi-chapter AUs that have almost nothing to do with the on-screen characters except their names. iâd like to extend my personal thanks to this breed of author because itâs the closest i get to reading an actual book.
the reunion tour: this author wrote some of the most popular works in the fandom, but either moved on to k-pop or burned out when canon took a turn for the worse. they put out one new thing a year, often an old draft thatâs been haunting them from under the floorboards. their last six authorâs notes all say they never thought theyâd write this pairing again and âthis will probably be the last time.â
titsay
snowghoul
germansingergirl
origamiaround
gummygunk
theartofmadeline
janainaart
