whispers

welcome to the written record of my inner ramblings. feel free to peruse these mental archive halls. follows come from my main, its cool to msg me for the url if ur interested.

[muneca]

realizing how long its been since i posted here makes me sad. might go ahead and schedule some of my recent work to post here just for fun, idk if anyone even still follows this lmao

[muneca]

loneliness is the only emotion I've ever known.

others have come and introduced themselves,

stayed for a while,

tried to take up space in my life.

but none have settled in and grown roots,

reached in and held tight,

seared itself into every facet of my being,

quite like loneliness has.

i know it like the back of my hand,

like the taste of my own tongue,

like the static behind my closed eyes.

it is an old friend

and an even older enemy;

it is the longest relationship I've ever had.

loneliness rocked me to sleep far more nights

than my own mother,

the tear stains on my pillow can attest.

i feel it in everything i do,

everywhere i go,

everything i am.

it shapes me,

grates me,

hates me.

i wish it would go away but it wont,

it only lingers,

a shadow behind my shoulder.

waiting,

baiting,

taking everything from me.

because if i had anything else in my life

it would cease to exist.

its the only emotion i know,

it makes sure of it.

the loneliness is gonna kill me one day, and no one will even notice and no one will even care. // -aa

[muneca]

"when a beautiful moon

kills you in your sleep

the stars will rise and round the world

not a soul will weep"

loneliness feels like dying a million lives // -aa.

[muneca]

winding weaving wearing shorts no shoes toes on the pedal breeze kiss my thighs sand stuck seats wet sun setting soon eyes bright road spill before me never end only stop for dogs on the boardwalk people in the crosswalk love in the passenger seat time tells tales waves rush in distance gulls flock in sky above peace earth shattering peace laid level on the horizon california calling come home.

pch travel to me please i miss you // -aa. // for the prompt ‘long drives’ from @sarahmariepardy

[muneca]

you are four years old sitting on your mother's lap playing with her hair and safe as you'll never be again this memory loses its sharpness but never its comfort never its meaning never its warmth and by the time you're thirteen you have forgotten the color of her hair but not the way she hummed as she cradled you in her arms nineteen is a bad year that tears the memory apart and you spend hours curled up rocking back and forth, fingers leaving crescents in your scalp trying to dig the feel of her back out she would know what to do when you turn twenty three and don't recognize your own reflection but she's not here and you're not there and the last of her is as familiar in your face as a stranger who was the woman who gave you your culture, your skin tone, your name and why was she ripped from your memory as you were ripped from her arms all those years ago there are no scars left to show you her grip no stinging flesh to remind you of her love no glimpse of her fear in your memory and no trace of her life in your own but you know she was real and you'll find her again because losing her a second time will be the death of you and you're not dying today

you choose to fight for her survival each day you decide to wake from sleep // -aa.

[muneca]

you think you’re quicker than me. that I can’t see the words thrown from your mouths as they hurl through the air toward my heart, their target. you think you’re winning this game. that I won’t find you hiding behind your soft touch as it steers me away from all the horrible things you are. you think you’ve mastered this art. that i don’t know the prayers you bestow fall from lips belonging to a thief and a liar. you think i think our love is true. but i buried it out back in the grave you dug for yourself all those years ago. you think your tricks are your greatest strength? let’s see them carry you out after the dirt has swallowed you whole.

im not as helpless as you seem to think i am // -aa.

[muneca]

because I didn't mean to hurt you i was lost in my self and if i could take it back, undo all the pain you'd never have known it so well parts of you i wish I'd never harmed parts of me i wish you'd never seen wish i could go back and keep you safe from all the bad things inside of me

i didn't mean to use you, you deserved better and i hope u find it with him // -aa.

[muneca]

i wanna write a poem for you every time you make me feel loved. but i feel my words could never do justice to the depth of overwhelming emotion you make me feel. i am reminded though that we live poetry every day. when you breathe when you sigh when you exist in this world you make beauty come alive and it is your love itself that is the poetry i seek to create. so with this lackluster poem i seek only to say please accept the poetry i strive to provide in every laugh and ask and im please know that when i say i love you its a promise and when you say you love me its a song and when i go to sleep at night i dream of the poetry you show me each day and hope to wake with as much to say and as much to give with as much poetry in my own heart as i see in yours.

you’re my best friend and soulmate and I’ll write a poem everyday out of the love you give me // -aa. // for deven @numrich

[muneca]

i have never felt the touch of love but some days it is all i can think about

im crying and idk when ill ever stop // -aa.

[muneca]

it calls my name like a caress, faith in the face of doubt strength in the face of challenge and infinite in the way fleeting glances can last a lifetime. we have never graced each other’s presence but i imagine it sings a song of longing voice trembling body aching and soul searching to connect with my own. love doesnt whisper it shouts from the heavens and takes hold with its tongue granting safety and light and peace. and even still im sure at some moment the soft sweet sound of its voice should graze the breeze and travel on a current much lighter than air itself, coming home announcing arrival and knowing the only words that could free me.

i dont know love’s language but i imagine it’s beautiful // -aa. // for the prompt ‘the language of love’ from @sarahmariepardy

[muneca]

you can hear him shake you can hear him rumble you can see him crumble as she pounds both fists against his chest watch them throw both their hearts over the ledge watch them stumble. they dont love, no. they dont hide. they dont put their own interests aside theyre too busy trying to last in this struggle noone told them to love is to let go and they’re so young they don’t know they’re forgiveable.

you can see the pain reflected in their eyes when they lock // -aa.

[muneca]

so anyway i didnt get out of bed today well i did but only to walk to the kitchen root around for nothing and come back to bed i wanna curl up and cry but my dog needs to be fed i walked back to the kitchen i wanna curl up and cry but my dog wants to be pet i pull her close and rub my nose against hers "why doesnt anyone love me?" i ask "why doesn't anyone want me?" i cry she licks my nose she paws at my chin she nudges my cheek i wanna curl up and cry so i pull her close and my tears soak her fur she sighs heavy into my hair and licks where she can reach i cry and cry and cry curled up around the only being who loves me "why doesn't anyone come hold me?" i ask "why doesn't anyone care?" i cry she wiggles and whimpers until i let her go and then she licks my tears away i didn't get out of bed today and she kept me warm the whole time

I don't have love but i have her // -aa.

[sarahmariepardy-deactivated2018]

Poetry Blog Train 2017

Every new year calls for a new blog train. Blog trains can really help people find your blog if they’re interested in specific types of blogs by checking out the notes of all the people who liked or reblogged the post. This blog train is great for you to like and reblog if you do any of the following: - Consider yourself a poetry or writing blog - Post a lot of your own poetry - Reblog a lot of poetry Pretty straight forward, eh? So let’s support each other and start passing this on!

[muneca]

how do i become soft? not too soft, so that you can run over me so that you can get what you dont want from me so that you can get past me but soft so that you will want me so that i will last in you in your dreams in your arms in your desires soft so that the thought of me and my work leaves u breathless not from jagged edge s too rough to call home but from smooth comfort and a lasting impression that sustains you long into the starry night of your love . how do i become what others call soft? what they call theirs? what i call everything i have never been but long to be in this world? i dont know if i am soft or if my words accomplish their goal. you wont call me soft you wont call me home you wont call me and it hurts and i cry tears of glass because i dont know how to be soft when i am cut from rough stone and i leave bloodtrails in my wake and night and day fuse into one long rushing third degree burn that is the whitest heat of our lives . i am not soft and my words are not poems but i wish they were.

i will publish every bad poem i write because i want to be soft i want to be soft and i need to get the hard out of my soul // -aa.

[muneca]

i want someone to love me to want me to need me to breathe me i want someone to write me into their mind draw me into their heart carve me into their soul where is someone who will poetry who will artistry who will sculpt a piece of me out of their own physical body when will a poem be written about me about ME not an idealized version of a person someone made up in their head so they could convince me i was that person and force me to live that version’s life and kill myself failing every day no. ME. the ugly except in the 75th selfie in her gallery fat except when wearing black and a gertle and a body shaper and still fat loud in most inappropriate of times causing a scene and humiliating always brash and too quick to judge and snap and not give people a chance needy bratty clingy messy sorry person i consistently am when will it be written that i make someone’s day and that i am all they ever need that my absence is suffocating toxic a pressure so deep diamonds cut jagged through their lungs but that my presence is healing cathartic a balm so sweet the taste of my lips melts down their throat and sutures all wounds i want someone to love me to wax poetic to be speechless to ramble nonsense words murmurs whimpers into my skin and set it aflame not know how to stop how to start how to close how to begin needing to be closer rougher softer thorough and never wanting it to end i want someone  to want me as much as i want someone to want me

im nothing and noone and i dont know what love is and i may never know because im not worth it but god what if i was what if i was worth it // -aa.

[muneca]

the world isn't cruel it just wasn't built for me i dont reap the benefits because i wasnt intended to my life is a waste and the world wont care when it's over because i loved the world but the world never knew me

some days i dont feel brave i feel tiny small lower than low // -aa.

[sarahmariepardy-deactivated2018]

Poetry Blog Train 2017

Every new year calls for a new blog train. Blog trains can really help people find your blog if they’re interested in specific types of blogs by checking out the notes of all the people who liked or reblogged the post. This blog train is great for you to like and reblog if you do any of the following: - Consider yourself a poetry or writing blog - Post a lot of your own poetry - Reblog a lot of poetry Pretty straight forward, eh? So let’s support each other and start passing this on!