Note: this is part of Rasa’s now annual tradition to write her feelings out and “speak” to her deceased husband through letters she seals and hides away. Nobody knows about their existence. Read it at your discretion.
An island somewhere outside Bangkok - October 23rd, 2121.
Much has happened since we've last had the chance to speak. As a starter, we are no longer in Russia. People seem to have decided that the warmer, tropical climate would do us some good. I can't say I think much about this development, although my circulation might have a different opinion on the matter. But all in due time, and there is much for us to catch up on.
When we left off last year, there was already a whirlwind of things in motion, and I'm afraid it has now evolved into a tornado. Remember how we'd been talking about Eamon, aka my betrothed/husband-to-be, and how I wasn't sure what would happen after he'd seen me at my absolute worst? Well, as it turns out, he handled it pretty well. I suppose you can say my meltdown forged some new bonds between the two of us, and we were able to see one another in a different light. It was a stepping stone to what we are building, and there's a whole story to this that I'll be getting to.
Since last October, Eamon and I have been spending more time together. It wasn't anything big, not at first. Sometimes he would come over to my room, sometimes I would go over to his, and we would hang out talk. We got to this familiar little place that would probably make you proud. And I have been trying. Letting someone know me for all the baggage and the ugly things is not an easy feature, though Eamon makes me believe he's seen more than what there is on the surface, and he's still willing to be around me for what might be next. Being with him during those moments has proven to be less complicated than almost any other person in my life, and based on the past years, I'm sure you can understand why I've learned to value these people. He was a rock for me without receiving any warning of what to expect, and I deeply appreciate him for it.
And we'd been friendly towards one another until unfortunate circumstances ended up throwing us together. Whenever things like this happen, I can't help but think of how much better than me you'd have handled the situation, although it could have been way worse. An avalanche hit our location last March, and everyone ended up trapped in various areas of the castle or the village. I ended up in the music room with Eamon, Sahir, and I want to say two other people, but I can't be 100% sure of that.
Both Eamon and I were worried about our siblings, so it was clear we would have to rely on one another if we had any hope of not freaking out. For the most part, I believe we did a decent job. And given our unique condition, we were also able to cuddle together for warmth when the temperature decreased.
After a few days of utter chaos and mayhem, they were able to clear most areas of the palace and the village, and although everyone I knew was safe and sound, there were still some casualties, as well as people who were unaccounted for. For me, the avalanche changed everything. You see, Eamon's room was in one of the palace wings that collapsed, and he lost everything.
I might not have known what had happened if he hadn't come knocking on my door asking whether he could stay with me. I was a little surprised that out of all the people he could have chosen to share a room with, he decided to come to me. Later on, I also learned that they had even offered him a new room somewhere else. I would love to say that Eamon stayed with me because of some odd sense of normalcy I could have provided him, but I find it more likely that he might have picked me because I might have represented something wild and adventurous that he'd never experienced before. And since we are to marry, I thought it would be an excellent chance for us to experience what married life might have in store for us, even if my methods aren't always the most orthodox ones — boohoo, blame me, I learned from you.
As expected, cohabiting gave us new challenges to work around, and we started doing a lot more together. We'd share meals, we'd shower or bathe, we'd sleep, I'd wake up with his morning wood pressing against my butt cheeks, so, you know, we've gained a lot of intimacy in a short time. Unbelievable as this may sound, until four months ago, everything had been strictly platonic. We'd both seen one another naked, but no one had ever made a move. I thought it was because although we were friendly, he wasn't attracted to me that way. As it turned out, we might have been reaching all those milestones for our relationship, but we had ignored one key item: communication. Sure, we talked. But we talked about trivial things while avoiding what was, apparently, the elephant in the room.
Anyway, around June, we relocated to Thailand. Eamon got himself a brand new room, but we decided it would be nice if we kept our old arrangement still going on. So, whenever we felt the need to cuddle with someone to sleep, all we had to do was shoot the other one a message, and come over. And everything was going swimmingly, until a party happened and messed everything up.
We were texting back and forth until Ivan planted an idea inside my head, so I thought it might be time for me to ask Eamon about a few things that were in my head. So, that night, I asked him, point-blank, if he'd ever considered sleeping with me. And, boy, let me tell you, things escalated from there. Fast. It's amazing what the knowledge that two people are willing to sleep with one another can do for those people, and things we used to do without a second thought, became laden with sexual tension. He kissed me once, and, as it turns out, that was all he needed to do to ensure it would continue happening since, like an addict, I keep coming back for more.
He discovered some of my sweet spots, and he won't hesitate to use that knowledge against me. And neither of us are complaining about this development. It felt like something long overdue as if we'd been building up this unspoken sexual tension, and once it was out there, there was nothing left for us to do but enjoy the ride. And what a ride!
Things between the two of us picked up so much speed over the past four months that we've taken an even bigger leap. You won't believe this when I tell you, so brace yourself. I am getting married! I know, I know. You're probably there thinking you were already aware of that, hence the betrothal, but what you don't understand is that I'm not talking about some abstract future anymore. I'm getting married next fucking month, and this is something huge.
I don't know what possessed Eamon to throw caution in the wind and propose to me, but he did. And I can be sure it was a spur-of-the-moment thing because he was not prepared for it. He didn't have a speech. He didn't have a ring. And I suppose that's how I've known he'd meant it. Maybe I should have seen it coming; Eamon had, after all, asked me whether I was ready for marriage, I guess I was just... So used to the idea that this would be something that anyone would want to drag out for as long as possible that I was blinded.
You might be wondering why I said yes. Or maybe not— you've always seemed to know me better than I know myself. And I suppose I just thought it was time for me to attempt something different with my life. It will be good for me.
These past few days, Eamon and I have been talking quite a bit about these things that trouble me, and foolishly, I want to believe there is hope. Hope for what, I do not know, but I guess we'll see.
On another set of news, my parents have found a suitable betrothal for Dawn. He's an egomaniac prick who thinks he's better than anyone else. So, yeah, I can see the appeal, too. Actually, I saw it twice, one of those times along with Ivan. I don't know what's the deal between the two of them, and I frankly don't care, but I could benefit from the animosity between them. And now I can't remember if Ausra knows all of that. She might get some ideas from it now that Freddie (that's his name) has popped her cherry. Why do I say that? Let me explain.
To get to it, I need to go back to August, when there was a ball on the island. Then, my cousins sponsored a kick-ass after-party, during which I got a bitchy text from Freddie asking me why I'd leave Ausra alone with Ivan. I had so many points to make about the sheer audacity that I was thrown off. As if Ausra wasn't a grown woman! Or Ivan would, somehow, corrupt her with whatever mystical powers Freddie clearly believes he possesses, while completely disregarding the fact that Ivan has been in our lives for a really long time by now. You cannot see it, but just the memory of this has me rolling my eyes so hard at the situation.
In any case, I decided to look for Ivan as a favor— and also because I had ulterior motives, but that's not the point, and you remember how we've always been. Freddie, then, messaged me, and I thought I would put his mind at ease by saying I had Ivan, and that ungrateful little bitch acted as if I didn't care about my sister's welfare. I swear, the day it becomes possible to throttle someone over the phone, a lot of people will get what's in store for them. Can you believe that fucker?!
Later on, I learned Dawn wanted to talk to Ivan about having feelings for him. I know. I was shocked about it as well. And, for some reason, I needed to hear what was the outcome of that situation, and extracting that information from Dawn was harder than I could have ever anticipated because she kept getting sidetracked talking about Freddie, and it was frustrating since I clearly wasn't asking about that. Eventually, I learned that Ivan told her he didn't reciprocate those feelings, and it was oddly relieving to hear it. It's just that... The idea was off-putting to me for some reason. Maybe because it might mean I'd have to stop sleeping with him. I don't know. It was just a lot to take in.
And, anyway, Dawn seems to have moved on from it already, which is good for everyone involved but her. I insist she should keep her feelings out of the wedding equation, and she goes ahead and gets them tangled there nonetheless. People have a fucking hard time understanding that when I tell them love is a mistake, I'm not doing that to be an utter bitch on the matter. Not at all. I just want them to develop a thicker skin, and understand that maybe their lives won't be roses. Which reminds me...
Maggie and I had a fallout and were, once again, estranged for quite a while. Why? Because of Matthias. Maggie decided to walk out on everything she knew to pursue her feelings for him, and/or vice versa, and I couldn't simply let her do it without giving her a piece of my mind, and she was someone who took it the wrong way. It was a whole thing where she accused me of things I don't wish to remember, and we didn't speak to one another for months afterward. She thought I was mad at her, but I wasn't. It's like I keep telling people: if I cross off my life everyone I disagree with, there won't be many of them left. It isn't because we can't see eye to eye that I will turn my back on someone. It isn't how friendship works. I would much rather hear these harsh truths from someone I care about than have them pull the rug from underneath me at any given time. Sometimes that's what it means to be a friend. Anyhow, after many months of a hiatus, we seem to be on the way to mend things yet again now that we've moved to Thailand. We'll see.
Oh, I'm now in close contact with most of my cousins, too. As it turns out, their parents saw fit to send them here as well, so, it's really as chaotic as what you might have in mind, and with tenfold more meddling into any given business. It seems to be, after all, what we do best. On the bright side, if things don't get out of control now, they might never do. Maybe we can hope for it, after all. And let me tell you, with this many of us all shuffled into a single island, if everyone walks away from this experiment unscathed, we can already call it a win.
I've met another one of my future-in-laws. Eamon's crown sister. Is it wrong for me to say that although we still haven't had that face-to-face interaction, I already dislike her? There's just something pushy about her that I don't like. She tried to convince me that a 300 people wedding was a small affair, and I just... Well, I couldn't cope with that. I would have had, if that's what Eamon wanted— it is, after all, his first wedding, he should have a say on what happens —, and it wasn't. It was just her twisted notion of what we needed, and that threw me off a little. I'm making an effort here not to roll my eyes, but it's hard.
At least to counter that, he also has a cousin who seems quite friendly: Anna. Anna has been someone nice to talk to, and she's already acquainted with some members of my family, so I suppose she had an idea of what to expect when talking to me. For every bad one there's a good one, right?
I think this might sum up the events of the past couple of months nicely. Or, at least, the parts I know about. Have you considered the idea that the next time we speak to one another I might be a married woman again? We are still debating the whole name thing, so I don't know whether I'll remain Kavaliuské, or I'll turn into Rasa O'Rourke, which, accidentally, seems like a tongue twister. And you know I like giving people a little trouble. We'll see.
Surprisingly enough, it has been a good year, which is... Interesting. I'll write back whenever I have new things to tell you, okay?
