MUSHKA

living for the chance of death

[mushka03]

architecture makes me horny <3

[mushka03]

the talent of the human species blows my mind.

[mushka03]

I need you

[mushka03]

I've lost it all

Sometimes I realize how much I've destroyed my own sense of mind. How I never let myself become too happy, because I know one day it'll be gone.

            -e.m. 

[mushka03]

u can let go

            For my love,

I hope you may find happiness beyond me. I wish for you to see the light in how the sun hits the page of a book in a perfect way, or how the air smells after a summer rain. I want you to see beauty in every sunset and sunrise, and let it remind you that things come and go. You need to find a way to see how things will always be okay whether we have each other or not. I need you to know that at the end of the day I will love you so deeply that I'd let myself be miserable if it meant you'd at least smile once a day. My love, you must know how much you mean to me and that it is enough for you to move on one day. The day I leave.

            -e.m.

[mushka03]

back to the start

            May the world swallow me whole and take me back to the depths of it's grasp. As I am part of everything that has ever been. My body shall decompose and become one with its' maker. My spirit will live on in the minds of those who knew it.

            I wish to find peace in this process, as I have never known true peace living as I was. My own thoughts had led to my demise. That's the price you pay when you question every action you make. I've even questioned the meaning of living, as humans have been doing since the beginning of time. We are given so much to learn, explore, and love, yet we've created a deterrent in the way of it all. 

            - e.m. 

[mushka03]

dear mum,

           I think you broke me.

I’m not entirely sure what it means to be broken, but to say that I haven’t felt that way would be a lie. I’m now realizing that I’ve never been enough for you and that I never will be. I wanted to feel loved and be able to go to you for anything, but the truth is I hide so much because I know if I tell you, you will react in a certain way.

I know if I told you of my accomplishments, you would say your proud and happy, but genuinely I don’t feel it. I don’t feel like you are proud. Something in me tells me that I could’ve done better or more to be what you wanted. But I think no matter what I did, it still wouldn’t matter in the end.

Sometimes I feel like the crumbs on the table after dinner. At the end of the night, I just get swept onto the floor.

I tell you my feelings and you simply turn it back onto yourself seeing as a flaw within you not me. As if I’m not the one struggling, but you are instead. I could be breaking down crying on the floor telling you how much I hate myself and you would think it was a failure on your end. That I’m the failure in your life. Even after it all you continue to the next day like nothing happened.

I already feel like a disappointment to one mother, but why did you go and make it another one.

You tell me I worry too much, but one of my biggest fears is failing you. I know that no matter what I do with my life you won’t approve. You’ve already made my biggest fear come true.

A while ago my therapist asked me if I could name one time you were proud of me and that’s when I realized that I couldn’t think of one. I’ve never, not once felt like I met your expectations.

[mushka03]

[mushka03]

omg Vivienne Westwood bridal

[mushka03]

[mushka03]

[deviika]

Jamie Varon

[mushka03]

sometimes - scruffpuppie

sometimes i gotta settle down and get out you told me everything you said we cried out and i saw you going down the hill i chased you tripped scraped my knee and overheard the sky blue and i found the polaroid you took in my room and thoughts that are overwhelming me just break through why can't the world acknowledge anything we do trying so hard but we never really made do

broken hearts make for good words but it sucks when we get hurt i wish i was clear

sometimes we fight and scream and yell and shut up wish i could communicate feelings boxed up life's pain and art so i try to relate to everything i can possibly hold onto

drugs and love aren't enough when i see you my world lights up i wish u were clear

[mushka03]

for him

I miss you.

I’m sorry I hurt you in the way I did.

For I myself am hurt.

I fear the bond of love

So I make the subconscious decision to push it away.

The thing is you wouldn’t let me

And I wouldn’t let myself either

So I made it my goal for you to hate me

And still then I failed

You had assumed I did it because I was in pain

And I wanted to see you in hurt

But its not the truth

I was in pain

But I pushed you away because I would rather drown alone

You have a life to live

So why would I tie you to the cinderblock

And let you sink with me