Alive and Awake

Words, words, words.

[mushroom-shushroom]

"It is hard to explain – in that game of musical chairs – why they should have stopped, finally, at each other. Kindness, as a quality, had something to do with it. Many things were easy to find on those dance floors, but kindness was rare." Zadie Smith. N-W

[mushroom-shushroom]

Daisies

Daisies bloom

Stars burst

And the world

Is ten times brighter

Sharper

Then ever before;

Than you knew it could be.

 Suddenly

Peace, is waking up

And sleep is missing out.

 And you forget

How you ever felt sad enough

To spend

Whole days

In bed,

Scared

They wouldn’t want you there.

 Like a thousand tiny pieces

Finally found a way to stick

To rip

A way into

A cosier place

And stay

For long enough to believe

We know each other.

 It’s easy to feel like family

With glitter in our veins.  

Mine’s silver, and yours is blue

But we’re made of same stuff

Me and you.

 Tonight

We’ll howl at the moon

Because soon

From our bodies

Daisies will bloom,

And that is reason enough

To use them

In best way we know how.

[mushroom-shushroom]

Seventeen

Weren’t we the best back when we were seventeen?

When she told stories with a paintbrush

And I lapped up my mother’s left over wine

Trying to blot out the possibility

That these might be the best days of our lives.

 Weren’t we the happiest when

We smoked ourselves into unthinking

And stretched out like cats

On your conservatory sofas

Soaking up the sunshine

And smoking

Anything our weekend job

Could afford.

 Weren’t we in love

When we kissed in the back of cars

And skipped school

Finding refuge in unlikely places

Like nature reserves

And co-op carparks.

I thought we were it

Back then;

The thing that stops wars,

The answer, the survivor’s fuel

The only religion with a single rule:

Love, love, touch, be together

That is it

But we were too young not

To ruin it.

 I still can’t stop writing about you

My original muse

My ink spring

I’m grateful for that;

Even now

You’re inspiring someone new

With feline eyes

Accidentally flirtatious

Saying more with your eyebrows

Than your lips

Always saving

Them for

Sweeter things.

[mushroom-shushroom]

[mushroom-shushroom]

The ultimate purpose of politics should be to enable people to experience as much joy as possible before they die. We are only here a tiny wink of time-a snap of the fingers; barely enough time to get a proper round in. It's a heartbreaking flash, really. You just start to work out what trousers suit you, or how to talk to the people you really love, and then you're dead."

Moranifesto, caitlin moran

[mushroom-shushroom]

This is a vast, inky, cold, empty universe, and in it, we are the only humans that exist, all sharing a tiny milky green/blue world, and faced with a multitude of problems, and an infinite capacity for joy, and should therefore try and stick together and accord each other some respect."

Caitlin Moran

[mushroom-shushroom]

Constantly concerned about wasting time Wasting time in bed Wasting time wondering around shops Wasting money On consumables My body would be better without.

But I love it I love drinking with friends I love long weekends Lounging, dancing, Wasting words On lengthy conversations About nothing.

I love how No matter how little I do The Earth keeps turning And I keep learning New ways To waste time.

And if my parents had been more careful Or never even met Maybe then Instead of me There’d be Some more useful being. Someone Who never sleeps in Never finishes a whole packet Of chocolate fingers In one sitting. Someone who works out Goes out Finishes every book, poem, magazine She started to read And doesn’t need A drink After a hard day’s work Or a hard day wasting more time.

But I’m starting find That the less I think about the time I spend In my room Staring at the ceiling Not thinking much But feeling Content. Even though I’ve got nothing to show Most days I know Sometimes It’s just what I need.

It’s just the breed That I am It’s the tribe I belong to. A demonstration Of procrastination A celebration Of the time We have to waste.

[mushroom-shushroom]

Craving High up places, Sunsets over seas And space enough to see What’s next.

After powdered mirrors And foggy glass; Christmas smells like home.

Nowadays I trust my favourite jumper Over hungry hands And careless kisses Left on lonely lips After 6 months Of clean sheets And wondering why I never felt at home Until I had to leave.

[mushroom-shushroom]

"I missed her the way I missed our loft after we moved in seventh grade; sharply, and then not at all. There is too much unpacking to do."

Lena Dunham, Not That Kind Of Girl

[mushroom-shushroom]

"I took the big pill and the small pill, stuffed myself with substances to make being out in the world with people my own age a little bit easier. To lessen the space between me and everyone else. I was hungry to be seen. But I also know that at no moment did I consent to being handled that way."

Lena Dunham, Not That Kind Of Girl

[mushroom-shushroom]

A Sunday night Spent

Too drunk

Draped over a toilet seat

Pushing unwelcome fingers down your throat;

We only went out for one.

I sit on the unlit landing

With a plate of buttered toast

Waiting for you to remember I’m here.

You look tiny through the crack in the door

Cursing that posh bloke Bruce

 Bad influence, he was. 

Worth it for the story 

I assure you

and I think you agree through dry heaves. 

I want to be closer to you

Hold my hand

Don’t say sorry

Don’t worry

I’m drunk

And optimistic 

And you’re my favourite way

To waste time.

I want to give you everything

I have

But right now

All I’ve got is toast,

A little hope,

And the washing up bowl from the kitchen sink.

I hope that’s enough

For now.

[mushroom-shushroom]

Crispy Cold

Winter reminds me of crispy, cold mornings

And crunchy nut cornflakes.

  It reminds me of waiting for the bus

With dad

And he’s asks “want half of my kitkat, kitkat?”

And I say yes

And we sing along to radio one

Even though he prefers radio two.

  And now

I spend my crispy, cold mornings

Reading “I love you pud”

On my scratched up blackberry screen

Knowing that’s the closest thing I’ve got

To being in that cold, tin can car

Eating chocolate bars

Sharing the sunrise

15 year old me

And 45 year old you.

[mushroom-shushroom]

Birthday Cake Kisses

You gave me kisses

Like parting gifts

  But believe me

I never want to stop

Kissing you in door ways

And falling upstairs,

Your teeth on my neck

Your hands in my hair.

  I wished for you, 

Young and stupid and sweet as I was

My birthday cake candles were all for you

Three years in a row.

  And each lover since;

I’ve not savoured a kiss.

Love slipping through my fingers

Like those copper pennies

I never think to miss.

  Do you want to know something true?

The only thing I think about more often than me

Is you.

[mushroom-shushroom]

Netflix

I need to get out

 Of this town

And see the sea

But you see…

I’m too preoccupied

To realise

It might be a waste of time

To turn on…

 Netflix

Watch a chick flick,

A new series?

Although I’m currently

Watching three

Simultaneously.

 There’s action

And adventure,

A gay bit

And documentaries

Most of which I’ve seen

But that’s okay with me

Because I’d rather re-watch everything

Than get up and leave.

 I haven’t seen the sun

In more than 3 days

But I’m not too worried

Cause next up

Is Rupaul’s Drag Race!

 There’s simply no place

I’d rather be

Than stretched out

In front of that widescreen,

Cup of tea

A pile of toast

Cause I know how to make the most

Of my perfectly functioning body

 So, fuck physical activity

I want to watch Adventuretime on repeat,

And then maybe we’ll go out-

No shit let’s watch more Dexter!

There’s like 8 series

Can you believe it?

I just have to see it!

 I can’t tear my eyes away of from the screen

Apart to maybe

Scroll through facebook,

Browse a buzzfeed

That oh-my-god so totally relates to me…

 Next up…

Instagram,

Tumblr,

Then twitter

Time to

hashtag away my living dreams

‘Cause that’s just how I do

So

Fuck you

Outside world

And sunsets

Picnics with old friends.

And coffee shops,

Walks in the park,

Conversations

About who we are.

 And social interactions

Can suck my dick

 Cause I’ve forgotten how to be

A functioning member

Of society,

In fact

I don’t need to be

Because the whole world

Is condensed in my Samsung mini.

 Quick!

Take a selfie!

You know

I haven’t moved in a week?

I like to call it

Lazy chic

 #agrophobiaisthenewblack

#there’snogoingback

#everyoneiknowisfuckingmad

 #hashtag

[mushroom-shushroom]

Had I translated them, I would have realised those lines read: "Never feel this bad again. Never come back to this place, where only a knife will do. Live a gentle and kind life. Don't do things that make you want to hurt yourself.Whatever you do, every day, remember this-then steer away from here.

Caitlin Moran, How to Build a Girl

[mushroom-shushroom]

When the middle-classes get passionate about politics, they're arguing about their treats-their tax-breaks and their investments. When the poor get passionate about politics, they're fighting for their lives.

How to Build a Girl-Caitlin Moran

[mushroom-shushroom]

...I have discovered something amazing: that some people aren't just people, but a place-a whole world. Sometimes you find someone you could live in for the rest of your life.

Caitlin Moran