Rants of a 20 something musician

This is a blog dedicated to the dark side, the weak side, and the sometimes brilliant shining side of a 20 something starving musician. I'm just trying to find my way through this perpetually confusing and astoundingly aggravating maze that we live in and call life day to day. Aaaand now I sound dumb. Here I am guys.

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Bucket list

I slept with a German Pornstar tonight. Could be acting but damn that raised my self confidence. 

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You live too far away and I'm far too comfortable with you. Distance sucks. 

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Drinks.

I really hate how I can't seem to sleep without a drink just lying here staring at my bedroom ceiling, listening to the rain is as close as I'll come tonight. But maybe thats alright. Maybe its just enough to get me by while I contemplate what it means to be. What it means to be another 20 something with an insatiable taste for all the things that hurt me, seems to keeps me down. Like all those times you said you'd be around but never were. Just more hollow words to fill the void that you and everyone else left. Shit, I just wish you were around. To pick me up when I need it 'cause good god I think need it. Where are you now? Here on this couch its so fucking cold and I need you like I need another drink and another smoke to warm me up and make me forget how down I was and maybe then I could get some sleep.

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Sometimes

I feel like you just don't care for me. Like I'm too nice and its disinteresting and while I would love to just dip out until you miss me enough to show interest I also don't want you to think I don't care. This is the part of being in a relationship I didn't miss. A balancing act. 

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I just don't get it. Maybe this will help.

I've always written out my feelings for others to see in some hope that someone going through the same things as I am at the time can look at them and relate and see me work through them and get better. For me now, I just landed a girl who has been one of my really good friends for YEARS. Was never attracted to her until a couple of months ago and its was like an over night change. This girl means so much to me. She is so incredibly attractive and sweet and fucking smart. It blows my god damned mind. Its no true love thing yet. But I see potential. But I also have my second guesses and petrifying fears that are holding me back. But the logical side of my mind is screaming that everyone out there has these fears and to stop being such a little bitch and get over them. None the less I feel my self pulling away, protecting myself in advance for what my mind sees as inevitable. This is no way to go about fostering a new intimate relationship. I should be calm, fun loving, collected, laid back. I should be all of the things I know I am. But something else is holding me back like I am some broken thing. But you know what? I LOVE THE THING I AM. I love my life and the things I've done, seen, and been through. I wouldn't trade any of it for a world. I guess actually I have hit exactly what I needed in this rant. I needed to remind my self how much I love me. So I can love someone else. I am lazy at times, angry and shitty at times. But mostly, I am an optimistic, hopeless romantic fuck who loves everyone who he comes in contact with and just wants to see everyone smile. I LOVE me. and because of that, I can love her. Great. I feel better now. Hope you do too. 

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Watched a video today

that reminded me so much tonight about how I felt a few months ago. and all of the drugs I did and then I saw something. The things one of my close friends told me how he felt. After losing a lover. A love. The things that I blew off as heartache and how simple it is to those around the person going through it. The things we overlook in the people we hold dear. He died. Three months ago. I know how you felt. I have walked your path and my friend, I am so thankful for the strength you showed me before you took your life. For the kind words you said to me that brought me back to a place so much happier and stronger than where you were at the time. You were such a phenomenal human. You were the best of my dudes. And I am so sorry for the missed call I got and the talk I missed. I love you man. More than I can say.   

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So there is someone new in my life now

and I hate the fact that as happy as I am talking to her every day that I am absolutely terrified of letting her close to me now. All of my stupid trust issues are back strong as ever and I hate it. 

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I've neglected this page

since I've been getting better. I'm not depressed anymore and I'm finally back living my life. I miss Katie and what we had but my life has improved so much more and I'm enjoying every second of it. 

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Well the past few days have been great.

We haven't spoken in days aside from me seeing you having a panic attack and making sure you're okay. but all things considered, I am over you. I am not sad anymore. I am not angry anymore. Any more emotion spent at this point on a pointless pursuit of trying to fix things with you would not be worth a second of my time. The way I see it is that if you ever want me in your life again, you will contact me. Even then, you have some ground to cover to ever regain my trust. 

I really wish we had never dated. 

You were the best friend I had. THE best. And now we are nothing to each other and I think that is the saddest thing. 

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I did something last night I said I would never do.

I did line upon line of coke with some friends for the first time. And I'm scared because I liked it. A lot. At least I got some good words of wisdom. Never go look for it, let it come to you if you ever want to do it again. Honestly, it wasn't that huge of a thing to me. I didn't feel fucked up. I felt completely clear. I just felt so happy. For the first time since you ended things. I forgot all about you for a night and it was incredible. You know, I know better than to try to date you again. I'll be your friend and I'll be good to you. But what you did with Corey and I... you lost a lot of my respect and all of my trust. I really can't comprehend how you would ever gain that back. But honestly, I doubt you will even try. I told you today I was glad you had a wonderful day. And I am. I'm glad you are happier now. But even though you will always hold a very special place in my heart, I currently have no desire to try our relationship again. You really kind of disgust me right now. 

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Submission.

"How do I ever explain this... Would it sound silly? or Foolish love... I read a bit of your writing. I've alwas been a big fan of pouring my heart out on Wordpress [ Blog site] This relates so much to me. I've had a best friend for 6 years, I'm utterly head over the moon about, Those turning feelings In my stomach and the situation it's self swallow me whole, and rip me out of my own being. I lose myself over it again an again, and as the day's go on I feel I won't find myself. I would admire it if you would like to speak."

I actually know wordpress well. My old drum company had a site there. But I also know your situation far too well. The best advice (if that is what you are seeking) that I can offer would be to wait until the time is perfectly right. Then question it, make sure that it is perfect beyond a shadow of a doubt and then try to explain your feelings if you have not already. In the end, the worst thing that, in my mind at least, could be said by your friend is "no." or that they just don't feel the same. But even then, at least you would be able to find closure in knowing your best friend's true feelings towards you. No matter how bad knowing those feelings can be, it is always far better in the end than the constant speculation we face when thinking about someone and wandering what they truly think. 

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Poetry.

To begin this, my most recent ex who I have been head over heels in love with for the past 4-5 years recently left me due to her last boyfriend (who only wanted to live to 30) passing away 8 months ago now in a motorcycle accident. Tonight while talking to a friend over drinks I came up with a poem in my head describing just how I felt about the situation and I feel that my four or so followers might be able to relate. So feel free to share. also, this is my first attempt at writing a poem outside of high school. So be easy haha.

"You sleep at night with a smile on your face

So beautiful and I’ve seen it first hand and still can’t quite put it into words

Just how perfect it really was.

You say you don't dream.

But when you did dream, did you dream of me?

Laying next to me in the deepest sleep with that beautiful perfect shining smile that I thought was mine.

I think you dream of the one you see instead of me.

I think you dream of a love lost to a series of unfortunate circumstance.

I think you dream of a life once so sure that can never be.

I think you dream of a dream that is now nothing more than that but

A DREAM

But I believed

That one day you would actually see me

Instead of a man once so alive

That so many years here would be too much.

He wanted to live no more than 30 burning years and

I still believe that you hold fast to that dream so, so hard.

And the worst part is, I get it.

Because I dream.

I dream of a love in my mind

I envisioned a love that was never to be reciprocated

No matter how much we both wanted it.

Where you were happy

Happy with the time we shared

The long stares

The looks into each other’s eyes and the times where we loved

The love we shared.

The happiness that flowed back and forth like the tide that brought us to this point where you realized that you really didn’t quite love me

But the thought of moving on

The thought of loving someone else

Being once again close to a person you trusted so much

So very much that this thought alone let you break down your barricades and let me in for just one brilliant moment of peace.

A peace that was imaginary the way Caroll imagined the story of a young woman and a white rabbit so trapped in her own mind that she created a gorgeous, flawless world in which she could live

And I see our time spent as that spent wandering a rabbits hole and the twisting paths of our consciousness intertwining and intertwining in a beautiful series of love and lost love. And I LOVE

You.

The time we spent together was more beautiful in my eyes than a thousand flawless diamonds in their most perfect multi thousand dollar settings and I couldn’t thank you more...

For the many times of which times we kissed. We made love. We exchanged the truest words saying just how much we loved one another and I just can’t let go of the memories. And that’s what kills me most. But I thank you from the bottom of my heart. From the deepest reaches of my soul for giving me this illusion in my mind, in my heart of just what true love should be." 

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This here is my biggest problem. As pissed as I am at you I know deep down I still love you :/

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My eyes have been opened

to you having flirted and initiated every situation you complained about one of my best friends flirting with you. Get fucked. 

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15 Years Later I'm Sharing My Story

No boy even noticed me until I was 17.  I thought I was ugly, people even told me I must be a lesbian because boys didn’t like me (which is wrong on so many levels, because who the fuck cared if I was into girls but thats a whole different topic). I didn’t have a boyfriend or even hold hands with a boy until I was 17.  I got called all sorts of names for it.  I was told no boy would ever love me, that all the other girls were more beautiful.  I hated every part of myself and thought for sure I would die alone, an old ugly hag, alone in the woods with 20 cats (which honestly would be better than being in a shitty relationship, I learned that too.)  Truth of it is those were all LIES.  Lies I was told and started believing and than started telling myself.  I share my story and my picture not to say “look how pretty I am”…No I share my story to say that HATERS ARE WRONG.  And just because someone isn’t into you, or attracted to you, doesn’t mean you aren’t pretty. I learned that inner confidence is what makes a person attractive.   Once I started loving myself, I had men flocking to me like the salmon of Capistrano. ; )  And I learned something even more important:  If someone doesn’t want you MOVE ON, because the only thing it means is they just aren’t into you. And I learned that I deserved someone who worshiped the ground that I walked on. I also learned you could be the prettiest thing in a room, or a town or the whole fucking world and some guys are still going to check out the pretty girl walking by, while their holding your hand.  Leave those guys alone.  Unless you just want a fling those guys (or girls) will only break your heart.

☮Haters ARE always WRONG☮

Join me in raising awareness on the devastating effects of bullying.  It is not a joke, this shit takes lives.

I have started a blog where you can submit your stories and get support if you or a friend has been affected by bullying!  

I have been there, I know the agony and I know how it can effect you for years even after the bullying has stopped.  

Please talk to me, I always respond and follow back.

My survival and my story is PROOF that-Haters ARE Always WRONG! http://hatersarealwayswrong.tumblr.com

I am an open ear and I want to know your story.  

Because You are Invincible!

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I didn't eat today.

Aside from a small meal because my father was worried and wanting to take me out. Yesterday I ate a small salad. The worst part is I haven't been hungry and eating makes me feel nauseated. Sick to my stomach and sick to my heart. I started smoking one two three four cigarettes and enjoyed it because the haze brought me down. This isn't right. I got over this years ago. I guess old problems can be brought up by similar situations. The physical pain this depression is causing me I know its in my head. I know I can get past it but it is so god damned real.

     The hardest part of this whole thing though is missing you. Your quirks, your sarcasm, your voice, your eyes. I found the sticky notes today. Along with your valentines cards. I don't know how to do this. Not anymore. We were together for such a short time and this is completely irrational but I don't function well without you. I wanted so badly to text you last night. To tell you hey, I was out drinking but I made it home safe and sound. I wanted to say I love you and that I hope you're okay. But even small courtesies get nothing but sharp quick words out of you. Like I have done something wrong by attempting to be part of your life still. Like I am the reason for this. But I'm not. I had no part in it. All I ever tried to do was be perfect for you. To love you with all of my heart and show you how bright and beautiful this world could really be. But now I just can't see it. Not my self. Not anymore. Today was brilliant and sunny and beautiful. But when I ran it just seemed so insignificant. so pointless. so obsolete. Music is whats getting me through. Two songs I wish you could hear me sing because their lyrics reflect the pain I feel and well, you can hear it. I'll probably record it and hope my voice doesn't crack the way my mind has.  I am cracking and it scares me. I'm getting mad. My hand is screwed and broken and I can barely drum or strum. I just hurt so much.