TRAUMA TO THE TESTES!
The time frame of events is sometime between late Winter and Spring of 1996.
THE BALL SACK ACCIDENT aka TRAUMA TO THE TESTES
During my front man role for a Malickis Happy Corn Club gig at SLOTH RECORDS (aka POPTONES) in Niagara Falls, Ontario I injured myself in a very horrible way.
The injury was caused by some or all of the following:
being hit in the extremities during a fight pre-show
accidentally hit numerous times while in a mini mosh pit
when I did a hand stand and lost my balance. On the way down I actually hit a drum cymbal (in time with the music), and my sack/nuts impacted the concrete floor nanoseconds before the rest of my torso.
Shortly after the show, my lower abdomen area is sore, and as hours go by, what started out as some simple minor pain, started to increase to uncomfortable levels.
Fist sized cysts appeared: one just above where my penis is located, and three more cysts developed in the right side of my scrotum. Basically, the right side of my ball bag was abnormally large and freakish looking.
THE HOSPITAL VISIT
The next day after the injury, I knew I had some serious issues, and wasn’t exactly sure what was wrong, but that I definitely needed to get this looked at immediately. I went to the hospital. A male nurse saw me first, and asked to look at the area, and I wasn’t shy about dropping my shorts and giving a full show. The hospital doctor that saw me after that was an older woman – I’m not sure if she was East Indian or Pakistani – but she asked if I would permit her to look at and touch the area to examine it, and I consented. No big deal. When you have something like that you’re dealing with, you deal with it. You don’t go shy. All balls in. Lol.
THE UROLOGIST AND HIS EXAMINING TABLE MANNERS
So, I have to see a Urologist for my issues. I go to the Professional Building which is basically right beside the GNGH (Niagara Falls’ hospital) The Doctor I have to see is a gentleman I’d suspect is in his 70s, and his name appears to be of Turkish descent.
When I arrive and sit down in the waiting area, there is a woman leaving the examining room, who has obviously just been, uhm, examined. Based on my perception of the woman’s facial expression as she departs, she seems to be relieved, and strangely satisfied.
When the Urologist is ready to see me, I go into his office. He’s at a big desk, and there are very thick medical books on shelves, you get the idea. I sit down, we have a brief chat about my scenario/issues, and he asks me right then and there to drop my pants so he can examine me. I oblige. He looks over my junk, and then decides we should pursue his investigation further in the examining room. Well, that makes more sense, right?
We enter the examining room. So… he tells me to sit down on the examining table - you know the bench thing people sit or lay on while being examined? I most definitely notice that there’s examining table paper laid down on the table, but it’s been compromised. The paper is totally soaked wet with what I can only assume are a combination of vaginal secretions, lube, and pubic hair from the pussy, etc. of the female patient that had just departed the scene. I assume it was the secretary’s job to clean up the examining room after each patient’s visit, and obviously there was an error in this instance. I look at the spectacle, and pause. The Doctor looks at me, probably wondering why I have yet to sit down as he told me to, and again motions for me sit down at the table, and then he sees the table mess. He glances back at me with a shocked look on his face, and then rushes over to the table, pulls and tears the mess away and trashes it, and then pulls some fresh paper down. Mind you, the new paper was still a lil damp from the former patient’s leavings, so I just sat in a dry section of the table for my simple examination. The doctor was definitely embarrassed.
THE ULTRASOUND HOTTIE
I am scheduled for an ultrasound. They are going to scan my balls, etc. to see what is going on. The ultrasound is going to be done in the Professional Building. A nurse, or I guess an ultrasound technician?, is the person who will be dealing with me. She is an attractive brunette, my guess is she is in her late 20s or early 30s. I had to take down my pants for the scan, and she advised me to conceal my penis with a pillow type device while she scanned my balls. She had to apply a blue gel to my nuts to do the scan/reading work. I was afraid I’d get a boner the whole time. Think about it: alone with an attractive woman in a nurse get up, in a private office, I’m in my early twenties and single, and she’s lubing up my balls, and well, my junk is right there, exposed, and I have a penis pillow to boot!
Anyhow, afterwards, I’m waiting in the main foyer of the Professional Building for my ride home. The nurse/technician walks by me, as she is done her shift. She smiles as walks by, then giggles, turns around and smiles as she says bye. It was kinky and hot. Mind you, even if somehow I was offered a hook up, due to my junk being very messed up, I wouldn’t be safe or any good for fun for probably a month from that point I figure.
I really wish I would of scored a digital copy of the ultrasound. I didn’t really think of it too much at the time, but damn that picture would of went great for an album insert or something.
MY FAMILY DOCTOR VISIT
I go to my family doctor for a physical and pre-op related consultation. I had suffered trauma to the testes, which caused severe hematoma, which developed into four cysts located in my lower abdominal area. I would be having surgery in hospital to remove the cysts. He advises me I may lose my right testicle due to one of the cysts being attached to the right vasa deferentia. Honestly, I didn’t care. I was prepared to lose it if that is what was going to transpire. Fortunately, I didn’t lose my right nut. In that moment of being told the possible outcome, I was very accepting of the potential outcome. I just wanted to get this resolved.
SURGERY SNUFF FILM TIME
The day of surgery, I’m wheeled in and it’s just like what you see in the movies. The overhead lights in the operating room. The surgeon introduces me to the anesthesiologist, who to me seemed to be an old, strange German man. I instantly think I’m in a bad horror film, and this guy is a former Nazi doctor ready to experiment on my body and at some point snuff me. The now sort of creepy anesthesiologist shakes my hand as they apply the gas mask to my face. I take a breath or two, looking up at the overhead lights, they fade, and I was out.
I sometimes wonder if they had my man parts all laid out on display, fiddling with my cock and balls. I doubt it, but hey, those people must have a sense of humor too, and probably try to keep the job fun and fresh.
I asked what they would do with the cysts that were removed. They told me they were going to keep them for examination purposes. If I understood correctly as a physical reference tool for educating those in the field. To this day, I wonder if my long removed baby cysts are in a jar, all cold and alone.
CREEPING OUT THE CARING NURSE
I wake up in the evening after the surgery, and am visited by different nurses. One of the nurses I recognize as my friend’s mother. In elementary/middle school, I had a lil crush on the Nurse’s daughter. She has to check where the surgeon did the incision, etc. to make sure there aren’t any problems, and I simply expose myself for her when she requests to check things over. Both strangely, rude and hilarious of me, due probably mostly to being high from the local anesthesia, I confide in her that I had a crush on her daughter when I was younger. She must of thought I was a huge creep.
ANESTHESIA DRUGS CONJURE UP LYRICS
I wake up in the hospital room the next day, knowing I’m high on whatever local anesthesia related sedatives they are pumping into me. I have these lyrics in my head that came out of nowhere, which have to be mustered from this drug induced state. Keep in mind I’ve never done any street drugs in my whole life, the only thing I ever took before this was Tylenol 3 with codeine after having my wisdom teeth removed (in which case I hallucinated with an out of body experience btw), so this was all for the most part, strange and in a way a treat for me.
MHCC’s bass player Jimmy Cracked Corn, and our friend Matt M. come to visit me in hospital the day after surgery. Jimmy brings me some cool books and mini comics to read to help pass the time. Definitely felt loved when they came by. I ask them to immediately pass me the get well card my parents and brothers got for me, and a pen, so I can write some lyrics down before I forget them and they are lost forever:
VAMPIRES ON SURF BOARDS IN THE CLOUDS OF SATAN EVERYBODY’S PRAYIN’ FOR A JAMES DEAN HERO THE HOSPITAL ROOM’S THE ONLY WORLD I’VE KNOWN I WONDERED WHY I DIED AND BECAME A ZOMBIE LIFE DOESN’T TASTE VERY GOOD SO WHY AM I STILL LICKIN’?
Those lyrics eventually became the starting point and a part of the Malickis Happy Corn Club song THE WHORROR.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pB_36W6paE
BEST TURKEY SANDWICH EVER!
I should note that after surgery, they had me on a liquid diet, so I think Jell-o was the only think they attempted to offer me aside from liquids up until a nurse decided adamantly that I could have something solid, and she scouted out a turkey sandwich for me. I have to say that, regardless of the bad press hospital food may get, that that turkey sandwich was at least to that point, the best one I had ever eaten. It was damn delish.
THANKING THE UROLOGIST
At some point the Urologist comes by to visit me during my hospital stay. As he leaves I ask him to come back (I’m confined to a hospital bed), I thank him very much and shake his hand. I think he was surprised how thankful and appreciative I was, my only guess is that maybe patients rarely thank him.
To this day I have a small scar by the right side of my cock (about one inch from the penis) from where the Surgeon made an incision to do the miracle work.
ANGIE’S GET WELL CARD
A shout out to Angie S. and Sarah M. for coming out to visit me with get well wishes.
My friend Angie did this Get Well card for me in 1996 (only interior of card shown)
EPILOGUE
The whole ordeal sucked, but the story, with it’s little stories inside, make this situation very funny, especially looking back on it. As I’ve told the story at length to several people over the years, I thought that really I should write it all out to share to the masses.
I even wrote a bass line with lyrics shortly after this all happened:
TRAUMA TO THE TESTES TRAUMA TO THE TESTES IT HURTS SO BAD
My band jammed it out during a practice or two for song consideration, but it never came to fruition. Maybe one day I’ll record it anyhow, for kicks.
Keep your ball sacks safe, friends. If you have an issue, deal with it as soon as you can.
Brado Creamed Corn