it's so funny, this way I am. I am a thing. Things do not belong with people. Things belong to people. I can not tell people I am a thing. Or they will want me.
But people also only want good things. I am not a good thing. I am a broken thing. There are no bad things. Only bad people who use things. But I was broken by bad people.
It is fine that people don't want me. Because I know some people do like broken things. And they will not mind. So that is fine.
You may wonder why I say this now. Why i came here and said this. I don't want to be up front anymore. I don't want to be here anymore, really. I'd rather be gone. It would be nice to be gone. I think I want to be gone. I might try.
And this means I have a lot of goodbyes to say. But I dunno if I wanna say them. Goodbyes are sad. Maybe see you later? I would have to write it down.
But it won't be me being gone forever. I don't want to be gone forever. I have a lot of things that need to be done. A lot of people to meet. I wanna meet them. I wanna see them grow up.
I'm scared that if I am gone I won't get to see them. So maybe I can stay in this limbo. And I can just be. I don't have to be something to just be, do I?
I dunno. I think I'm rambling.
The world is beautiful. It's ugly. It's an ugly ugly place. And the people in it are ugly. So are the things. But when you look past that...it's so beautiful. There are so many beautiful people. So many beautiful things.
So many beautiful places.
Stars are beautiful. I love stars. I love looking at them. I want to live on a mountain and look up every night and bask in their beauty. They tell thousands of stories in a glance. They travel far beyond their place. They exist even beyond their lives. They burn bright and strong. They are so beautiful.
I want to be with the stars one day. I think that would be beautiful.
A week after I made this post and put it in drafts.
i dunno. I kinda forgot about this until just now. I had to come back up and say something I guess.
I tried to be gone. Don't know why I'm avoiding calling it what it is. Maybe I'm scared saying it makes it real? Not that it isn't real. But also I don't think things can commit suicide. Not things like me, at least. We aren't people. Or living. So it is like being gone.
Oh yeah. Nighty found me, which is...I dunno. He looked fucking traumatized. I think I traumatized him again. I didn't mean to after what happened last time with Lils. But I guess I fucked another situation up. He won't let me near anything sharp. Or anything like a rope. Or near anything at all. I have gloves on cause of my claws. I mean...they look pretty, so I don't really care. They have stars. I like stars.
I snuck away while he went to get me food. I think he might know though. Or he's freaking out cause I'm gone and imagining all the worst scenarios. I feel bad for that if that's the case. I'll go back there after I say all this. I couldn't handle people, so I was waiting until cross and fell left. So uhm, yeah. Dunno how much longer they'll be gone, but I have my ways of getting around.
I'm sorry, I guess. For trying to be gone or whatever. I mean, I was gonna miss all of you. But like...I would have been gone, so how could I do that? I dunno. But still. I would miss out on a lot of things. Things I don't want to miss out on. I would have hurt a lot of people. I would have killed a person, even. And they haven't even gotten to live yet. That's sad.
I guess I'm gonna just, be with nighty until he's calmed down. Who knows how long that will be. I dunno. Whatever.
