Personal blog//

the saddest, loneliest version of me. because he needs somewhere to live.

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They’re just so caught up with trying to fix everything for their other partner that they’re not showing up for me again. Every interaction we’ve had in the last three days is about their other partner and have I figured out the Thing so they can help their other partner. And before that, it was just another version of them not showing up for me. I keep telling myself to push through, get out on the other side. I know they want to do better. I just… gotta make it till they do better?

They say their feelings have never wavered for me, but I can’t say the same… when these things happen; when you promise me all these things early on and then change them without telling me, without seeing if I want them like this too… resentment builds. Connections loosen, detach. We feel like strangers most days.. we have nothing in common anymore, we don’t talk. Every talk is a fight. Slowly things are getting better, I think, but nothing is Good. Hasn’t been for about a year now. I don’t feel romance anymore (how can I for someone who isn’t there? Who changed our dynamic, took things/time away from me while refusing to acknowledge it happening?) I don’t feel desire (Why would I when you show up for someone else more consistently than you do for me?). I don’t want to co-parent (I can’t trust you to support me in homecare consistently, we don’t communicate well and fight too often, I won’t be a classic SAHM and that’s what I fear would happen). I don’t think I want to own a home together (so I can pay rent on a bedroom you’re barely in instead of having the space I want? We don’t mesh super well domestically anyway).

I want the effort I had. The mutual interest, mutual goals. I wish I had that craving, that desire to plan my life around you… but you didn’t want me to have that. So now I don’t. You wanted me to love you romantically and also not want to plan my life around you, but I can’t do that. You wanted me to see how you can meet my needs in other ways, if I can adjust what I wanted from you and still be happy. There are other needs you can meet, yes, and I can adjust to wanting Less from you, but in doing those things I also lost my desire for romance with you, for intensity.

I want to be your best friend still, but you’ve been struggling to be a good friend to me recently. And how do I even go about telling you that a qpr is what I’m willing to offer now? Will you still want to be with me if I’m clarifying that’s how I feel about things, when you just said you still have romance and desires for lifelong enmeshment? Aka kids and living together and maybe marriage again? I don’t know. I don’t know how you’ll feel. I just know that I haven’t felt like we’ve actually been in a relationship for months.

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i have developed an awful habit of, when in moments of distress, fantasizing about physically harming myself in different ways. it puts me into this almost dissociative state and then i can handle the rest of whatever is happening, i just don’t feel bad anymore

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it’s “who would i ask to take care of my cat if i kms” hours

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Talking to myself

but trying to make it less chaotic.

I always thought that I'd reach an age where suddenly my brain didn't feel like this anymore. I no longer think that's true . I also don't think it's just trauma that's "wrong" with me anymore.

I found my dad's facebook, and even though the last post was years ago, I can see they weird way he thinks in the things that he's written. Do I agree with the things he's written? No, of course not. But there's this sense of... "I must be the only person who sees the world this way" that I relate to so deeply. I thought I was past wishing I had a dad, and I think I am. He messed me up and then just quit the role of "father", making himself a hypocrite but that's not my point. I think the part now that makes me feel alone is that, if he would've had a healthy communicative relationship with me, maybe we could've found solace in each other. He abandoned me for being too different, but jesus christ we are so the same. Yeah, he shared way too much info with me at way too young an age, but he showed he who he was. Or at least, who he was in his eyes. And maybe sometimes it takes a little mental superiority to have self-confidence when the people who are supposed to love you try to tear you down. And maybe I'm more like him than either of us will ever know.

I have been holding my inner child recently. She aches for love, for reassurance. She is scared to let go of your hand for fear that when she turns around, you'll be gone. And if not gone, giving a face full of judgement and silence. This silence filled her world. Unspoken expectations interrupted by eruptions of shame and condescension, everything she does under a microscope to be noted on but not discussed, every step on a stage with a singular audience member burning holes into the back of her head. And sometime through the second act that person got up and left, but now no matter how many steps she takes she's still on that fucking stage, every person she passes has a seat behind them, every day she reminds herself she is not the main character and this is not a play. But the stage doesnt go away. Sometimes it turns into the peak she drew in anxiety group, the one with the cage on top. The one where she's the only on in the cage and she's sobbing. Everyone wants to get to the top but she just wants to get down.

It's not fucking anxiety, it's trauma. It's you. It's always been you.

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this is the one

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devon, you don’t fucking matter. stop acting like you do.

no one gives a shit, they don’t think you’re funny. they don’t like you. there’s a reason you can’t keep friends and it’s not because you’re picky. you’re just unlikable. you’re mean. you’re standoffish. you’re lucky to have what you have so maybe you should shut up a lot more often.

you deserve to hurt when you make other people hurt

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feeling very “woe is me” all of a sudden

very “why was it so easy for you to treat me badly but it’s so easy for you to give this other person so much love in the same time period”

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wow, 3 years it’s been. the amount of things i would’ve put here that live in notebooks instead, or in the trash now. i have so many weird and bad feelings lately

edit: i don’t drink anymore. i started testosterone. i got top surgery. i did so many of the things i was too scared to do, things people talked me out of. i deserve to feel proud of that.

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Fuuuuuuuuuuclxkxkdkckdkskckckckckckckckckckc wanna d*e wanna cry

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Idk maybe it’s just me, but someone having “openly polyam” on all their profiles, approaching other polyam folks and flirting heavily before asking someone on a date, then ghosting that person for a full 24 hours before coming back to say “actually I don’t think I want something from polyamory, can we still be friends?” Is a massive fucking red flag and you shouldn’t give that person access to any sort of open door into your life

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In the past year, the longest I’ve gone without self harming is two months. Two months. My average is probably around two weeks, and that’s only because I hit 61 days, 44, and 41 at one point. The rest are much closer together.

[my-brain-vomit]

Winter 2016/17

Mare the words I write even pretty anymore?

Do they read the same

Grabbed off the floor

Tear-soaked and crumpled

Bloody

Sounds of my bedroom door slamming

Fists pounding

Thoughts hounding

All I can do is scream to stop the blood from blinding my eyes

What’s wrong with me so deep inside

Can I even say it’s not me anymore?

The very core of who I am is lost.

Just getting to this point cost more than I thought I had

My words were pretty when that’s all they were

Words.

They were pretty before you saw my face,

heard my voice crack.

Before you saw what murdered me every day

Before you knew nothing led my way

It is dark.

They tell me to keep going but I cannot see three feet ahead of me

It is cold.

They say it’ll hell you stay awake, you just need to focus

But goosebumps consume my thoughts and even in the dark I see my breath.

It is bright.

You shine light into my home and tell me it’s time to run

But I see spots and fall because I am dizzy

It is hot.

I can’t focus because I’m sweating

The words and actions of the world stick to my skin

I can’t get them off

Their voices are in my head

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thoughts thoughts thoughts okay

Reminder that I’m a human too, a mentally ill human who struggles to keep myself on track and okay and I will not let you make whether or not *you* can prioritize and focus *my* responsibility; that is not fair

When I’m in school and I need to study for hours a day, I don’t ask you to not do xyz in the public space of our home because “it distracts me”. Your distractions are your responsibility and it’s not my job to schedule what *I* do with my day around you to make it easiest for you.

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yo not that it’s the most pressing issue but I’m 10/10 not okay cuz Ive been waking up stressed and self harming every day for the past few days and now that I think about it I’ve cried at every protest I’ve been to and not at the big deep emotional parts just in /general/ and wow

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tbh if I follow u on insta there’s a 65% chance it’s bc I don’t trust you and need access to ur info lmao

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Today I am 18 days sober

I have had 18 days of wondering if I’m really an alcoholic and if I should even be doing this

A good two weeks worth of “but it’s such a good night for a drink”

8 nights worth of bad dreams/guilt dreams about having had liquor

5 bad days where the bottle called to me

3 events out that gave me a physical reaction to not being able to drink

But today I am 18 day’s sober

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Wow realizing that I trust people but I don’t trust people yanno