Boughs of Holly (a brief lesbian holiday rom-com)
Narrator: Holly Jones, a no-nonsense workaholic whose grinch of a boss sends her to the idyllic town of Mistletoe, Manitoba on Christmas Eve to close a deal. Holly’s company wants to buy all the tree lots in town, Mistletoe’s main source of income, and turn them into overpriced lofts for hipsters. Holly is beautiful, but bitter, and hasn’t celebrated Christmas since the year of the incident.
Zoe Pine is a third generation Mistletoer and the town’s first lady lumberjack. She’s been working overtime to supply the town with the butchest and most beautiful trees in Canada. Zoe loves the holidays and when she’s not chopping wood, she’s volunteering at the community center, teaching kittens how to love.
Let’s take you to the scene where Holly and Zoe meet. Holly, who is a city girl, manages to drive her rental car into a snow pile and gets stuck. With temps approaching freezing, she sure is in a pickle.
Holly: Great. This is exactly as I pictured my death: freezing to death in a mid-size rental in a strange town. And, of course, this place doesn’t have any cell service. (Yells) Are you happy now, Santa?!
Narrator: Zoe, who was vigorously chopping wood nearby, hears Holly’s cries.
Zoe: (with sympathy) Hey, I couldn’t help but notice you are in a bit of a jam.
Holly: (irritated) Oh perfect, now I’m going to get ax murdered by a sexy lumberjane.
Holly: Sorry, I mean, yes. I am literally stuck in a stupid (kick) snow (kick) bank.
Zoe: You’ll have to wait until tomorrow for a tow truck, but I’ll happily give you a ride somewhere.
Narrator: Despite the cold, Holly suddenly feels warm.
Holly: Really, that would be amazing. I’m staying at the Mistletoe Inn.
Zoe: I know it well. Hop in my rustic but well-maintained pick-up truck, which tells you that I have an affinity for the classics but I’m also good with my hands.
Zoe: Thanks, I restored it myself.
Holly: (gets flustered) Oh god. (fans self)
Zoe: So, what brings you to the fair city of Mistletoe?
Holly: I’m here on business. My company is buying all the tree lots to turn them into high priced condos. Didn’t you hear that in the narrator’s opening dialogue?
Holly: Although, I’m not sure who would want to live all the way out here.
Zoe: (upset) I live all the way out here. And I make my living from those lots. So, does most of the town.
Holly: Well this went from hot to awkward super-fast.
Zoe: What’s wrong with you? Don’t you have any Christmas spirit?
Holly: (serious) no. Not since the incident.
Zoe: Ok, there’s a lot to unpack here. I’d ask you about the incident, but I’m upset now and here’s your hotel. (sarcastic) Nice meeting you, Krampus. (Zoe leaves)
Holly: Huh. Well that was strangely exhilarating.
Narrator: It’s now Christmas Day and Mistletoe is decked out in colored lights. Holly’s meeting with the tree lot owners went successfully. They are in a bind and Holly’s company can swoop in and get them for cheap…but something is tugging at her icy heart. She walks down Main street and sees Zoe building a snowman with the town children, wearing a very fetching flannel.
Zoe: Oh, it’s you. How’s your town take-over going?
Holly: Fine I guess. But, I feel weird about it.
Zoe: Maybe because you’ll be singlehandedly decimating a town?
Holly: Well, when you put it like that. Yes.
Zoe: Good, then maybe you aren’t the grinch I thought you were.
(Holly goes to walk away dejectedly.)
Zoe: (sighs) Hey, what are you doing for Christmas tonight.
Holly: Oh, I don’t celebrate the holidays. All the eggnog and pies are just too overwhelming. It reminds me of the incident.
Zoe: Ok, you have to tell me what the hell you are talking about. Because you are really pretty and I’m weirdly concerned.
Holly: (extremely smitten) No one has managed to dismantle me the way you do. I feel like I can tell you anything.
Zoe: Wow, you are on the Polar Express to Uhaul-town. I’m ok with it, actually. How about you tell me the incident.
Holly: Well, when I was a child…my grandmother…got…run over…by a reindeer.
Holly: Why are you laughing?
Zoe: Oh god, you’re serious. Uh, that’s terrible. But I’m sure your grandmother would want you to enjoy the holidays anyway.
Holly: Oh no, she was a joyless misanthrope. But there’s something about this town that makes me wonder if all these years I’ve been missing out.
Zoe: Mistletoe is a magical place.
Holly: I feel all lightheaded and I have butterflies in my stomach.
Zoe: We have an unusual amount of natural gas here, you’ll get used to it.
Zoe: (puts her hand on Holly’s cheek) Why don’t you come with me. Have some hot chocolate, pass out some presents, watch Imagine Me and You eleven or so times. It’ll be fun.
Narrator: They get closer and breathlessly say the next part.
Holly: What does Imagine Me and You have to do with Christmas?
Zoe: It’s not Christmas without 11 Piper Perabos piping.
(both look out to the audience)
Narrator: The next day, because they are lesbians and we are on a tight schedule, Holly and Zoe have fallen under the spell of the holiday. Holly can’t bear to watch the town of Mistletoe suffer at her hands.
Zoe: (chopping wood) So, when does Mistletoe go down the tubes?
Holly: It won’t. I called and quit my job. No one is buying Mistletoe today or any day, because I’m investing my 401K in the tree lots. You helped me realize that I’ve been blaming Christmas for all my pain. This town is magic. You are magic.
Zoe: Come here, let’s chop some wood. (Goes behind Holly to teach her how)
Holly: Zoe, what’s your last name?
Holly: I love you, Zoe Pine.
Zoe: Let’s get a cat and name her Carmilla.
Boughs of Holly is by Dana Piccoli 2018
It was performed one time only-at Clexacon London by Elise Bauman and Natasha Negovanlis.
