I'm very convinced that I have Asperger's. I suspected it for a while (past few months) but tonight I really sat down and did a lot of research, took available online tests (grounded in scientific research, they don't diagnose but suggest you get tested if you fall within a certain threshold) and for everything I tested very close to the average for females with Asperger's. I don't believe I was ever tested for this but the extreme social disconnect/difficulty I've experienced in college made me suspicious. Now, lots of things from my childhood and the rest of my life are kind of falling together and it's really really overwhelming. I'm just posting on this blog because I don't feel comfortable talking to anybody about this and this is kind of a log of my mental state, etc. 1. When I was a young kid, my teachers always expressed to my parents that they couldn't tell whether I was paying attention / engaged in class. My mom always told me teachers didn't know if I cared because they couldn't "read" my face and I was always very inexpressive. 2. Since coming to college, I can't tell when people want to talk to me. It's happened to me more than once that I and another person I know will be the only two people in a hallway. They'll gesture to me or say "hey!" and I'll still keep walking without responding. Then later I'll realize and will be like "Oh, were you talking to me?" 3. I tend to get really obsessed with certain things/hobbies but mostly for very short amounts of time before I move on to something else. When I'm still interested, I read entire Wikipedia articles, watch tons of videos on the subject, visit forums, join Facebook groups, etc. and I feel really incomplete if I don't learn everything there is to learn. I make checklists and organize all of this information once I've compiled it. 4. I've always tended to imitate characters or behaviors I observed during social gathering or conversations because I don't know how to act in those situations. 5. In my two years of college, I haven't made a single "close" friend (with the exception of my roommate. I get annoyed with her sometimes but sometimes I get really tired of being alone with myself and need someone to distract me). I used to think I struggled to make friends because of social anxiety, but I'm starting to realize it's not quite that... I just don't "click" with people. I don't understand how to communicate with others and I don't understand how friendships and relationships form. 6. When people are talking to me or complimenting me I can never tell if they're being sincere or if they're making a joke or being sarcastic. In the same vein, I can't always tell when people are being sarcastic and then they'll say "you know I'm joking, right?" 7. In high school and in college I've been told I sound really formal and I really don't get it! In high school I was in a play and my director kept telling me to drop the accent I was doing. I had no idea what they were talking about and had to keep insisting that I wasn't putting on an accent and was just speaking normally. In my first semester of college I wrote a personal reflection / free-write for class and when I was asked to read it aloud, my teacher criticized me for my writing style being too formal (even though I had no idea I would have to read it to others, that's just how I write). She mocked me, actually, and it was embarrassing. 8. I suffer from really intense anxiety because I never know what people expect from me, both socially and academically. This makes interacting with people really intimidating and makes assignments seem insurmountable. I overwork myself and never know if my work is good enough, then I get it back and it's always fine, but that fact doesn't seem to help. For this reason I always like to have very specific instructions for assignments or else I feel really lost. 9. I want to work in the film industry but never deemed myself creative enough to be a filmmaker because I can't think of a story without copying existing work. People always say, "but you are a creative person!" because I like to sing and act, but those things are very different from having to imagine your own stuff. I'm better at organizational skills. 10. I can't relax unless I've done everything I have to do for the day (often depression prevents me from doing so and so I get really anxious and have a hard time sleeping). I make lists in various formats and schedule everything I have to do, even the most minor things. 11. I adjusted really poorly to both high school and college and I'm terrified of change. I don't know what else to say about this one. One little thing gone awry in my schedule messes up my entire day, and if something unexpected happens I really struggle to get back on track. 12. My "friends" seem to cancel on me last minute all the time and it makes me super angry. I consider it really disrespectful and assume it means I'm not anybody's priority (which might be true because I don't feel connected to anybody-- why should they feel connected to me?) I'm starting to wonder if this seems to keep happening because I don't understand when people say "yes" but it's actually more of a "maybe, I'll have to let you know later". I think it's possible that I just can't tell the difference from their expressions and so I always take any kind of affirmation as a commitment and a solid "yes" and am totally caught off guard when they back out. Anyway, that's it. I just had to word vomit all of that out because I was feeling overwhelmed by everything and wanted to write it down. I have to wake up in 6 hours but at least I feel a little more under control. I don't know what to do about this. I had decided that I wouldn't get any mental help until the end of this academic year in 7 months, and then when I go home I'd try to reconnect with my high school therapist. I really want to hear her thoughts on this because I'm just the kind of person who needs to know instead of just kind of wonder. I put together all my results on a page/report and I'm going to print it. So, feelings. When I sat down to write this I was feeling kind of panicked because I sort of feel like I don't know myself. I was being treated for social anxiety but nothing was really working... if it turns out the signs are correct and I have Asperger's that kind of means transitioning to a "fixable" problem to something that's actually just ingrained in me and permanent. I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety, OCD, and an eating disorder not otherwise specified, and so I was feeling pretty sure of things until now. I'm wondering if some of those issues I thought I had, like OCD and generalized anxiety, could actually be results of Asperger's, since some of the behaviors line up. I also read that though Asperger's is present since childhood, it may not be noticeable until a certain situation pushes a person to capacity. I think going to college might be that situation that's pushed me to a point where I'm really starting to realize I don't act the same as others (at home I knew everyone since I was really young so meeting new people and forming relationships wasn't something I actually experienced to the extent I'm experiencing it now). I feel I've never tried harder to form friendships, but I'm still super unsuccessful and I genuinely couldn't tell why. So. Now all that's down, I can calm down a bit. I'm going to bed. It's been 2 years since I've seen my therapist, but I really could use some help. I've been drowning the whole time and the death of my dog has really destroyed me. An Asperger's diagnosis might be kind of scary but it also could be kind of a relief. I don't think these feelings/behaviors are a result of my grief since a lot of them are from before that happened and from my childhood. *P.S. Take everything I say here with a grain of salt. I'm not a psychiatrist. I need one to give me their two cents on what I'm experiencing to make conclusions.*
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