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[myblueshades]

As they shared that packet of Space Raiders Bathed in the torrid dying light of pregnant Northern sunsets; Him- Black can Kes Her- Bulmer's original on offer They both felt like anything might happen now..

There's weaponised [wound] as tiger paw slips of accidental integrity Individual claws too half breed is all other as home

Sham solidarity stills an animosity algebra For/in The now There's a forever now Forever on a cusp forever right where it belongs

To my so far eternal shame the coagulate granite remains The true storytellers died man, didn't you know Just a little with all at once inbetween

little folded corners make your own chapters With the only one know

I choose to stop where you do It Pushes itself down and glides back again like a dumb waiter mostly Inbetween Gotta find the main thread Gotta Let the stillness keep you still

Carrying [wound] thru new liminal spaces

The mirror states casually, you dreamt about her every night and most afternoon Of course I'm not lying, you're projecting Other cue cards

I am there, still. the Summer day

Slight shaded graveyards this is the day The now makes it seem brighter As we were

Shadows on my shoulders starfish by my feet White lies were kept fading to black in real time now

I allegedly made the mask to match the seasonal song; typing out from behind it

The liminal must be minimal. This is a test, love

We make this just for you Live What like the noise is the signal The poets are lying to you again

While you now are just competing with sin Some conduits you choose some shoot you right thru No turning back now Your dinner's out

The Starfish and I are beside Larkin's grave Jus Passing thru

I'm Stealin a glimpse on the regular now I wanna collect up all the threads and throw them into the real

Wishes like iridescent fishes And a net that leaves room for the swim Best I ever had was pictures a desiccating darkness to shine them against Thrown in with the deal, for free

[myblueshades]

Victim TV plays on relentless Only pausing to turn merchant for a while I busy myself looking for the unclicked link 'Dance like a scorpion in a ring of fire' Attempt drowning the blanket coverage with 144p Three, four Paydirt It takes me straight back Back to the time I was sent to school in Scarlet corduroy trousers No amount of Adibok sweatshirts can erase A whole world of tragedy crystallised into (For ages 8/9) Everything else coalesces into them While one neighbour plays Elvis 'round the clock the other takes his 8 & 9yr olds every other night But the new TV cries even louder of the traitorous Miners as it waits to be stolen by the starving same Besides, who would do such a thing not on TV All while the puppy slowly loses his fight with Distemper Doubling the grief he was meant to replace Decades later the unclicked link sits stoic Unwaiting & perfectly timed Banishing all the new victims with a tiny geetar Turning how it was to how it ought have been 'Never flinch..Never lie..' Vanessa & her sister were vanished without fanfare Rescued by Rotherham child protective services Just the mother & son left next door, all sudden like Enquiries answered with distraction & TV But all children are experts at feigning distraction Wired at birth to be masterful eavesdroppers The Miners & their sons were to be bled out slowly going forward The grey street eventually demolished in flashes of yellow artex Vivid rectangular clean patches on the Floral chintz wallpaper a final shameful disclosure before rubble Breadwinning, Brass bands, Sunday league football now replaced with lager breakfasts, dole, TV or heroin Wife & mother to become civil servant order picker call centre casualty Strained Sunshine The song ends with a flourish, the singer wry smiling thru his hipster glasses, 'This confession will mean nothing..' I imagine the scarlet corduroy trousers passed on still Destroying childhoods as they go Half horrifying Refugees Still as bright as the day lucifer tailored them.

[myblueshades]

Dreams filled with avatars I can stretch the silence forever Far far away is beating right inside my chest descent into pure perception isn't enough fear of the lack thereof is not enough Empathy betrays blue without warning. where truth is anthracite forever. As weak as I have ever been with resolve to restore balance What hope for her What for any of us I'm falling into consummate destruction Decomposition & diffusion sing their charms She holds the reins & the rudder tightly While I hold onto nothing at all But for the drum keeping count with muscle memory answers on the horizon Growing along with her fatigue Look like dying embers

[myblueshades]

1987 be me Saturday morning, sun is blazing Phone around friends houses, I know all their numbers by heart Speak to several milfs or hot sisters; no one is in Get RALEIGH BURNER BMX from back garden Get dog Ride around looking for friends in usual haunts Find them "What shall we do lads" "Let's go to that lake in the Howell wood" It's 10 miles away THUNDERCATS HO! Fuck about in the woods until dehydration kicks in Walk 10 miles home coz puncture Death_march.jpg Arrive home Drink best part of a pint of water before it touches sides Dog drinks for 6 minutes straight as well Rendezvous with bff after teatime "Dad says we can rent a video tonight" Choose from large selection of VHS titles by cover art Schwarzenegger? lel Watch Predator for first time Walk home alone in the dark Read in bed for 5 minutes Pass out

2013 Would you have the whole world become a temple? A hunger acute from lack of the same I count out progressively tinier cons coins* Notch my belt & pocket the metaphor This means nothing Letting go, floating, keep breathing As the trees demand There was paper & charcoal Pixels & dinosaurs re place Still Fruitless Burn more, mitochondria A nuclear response evolves Colder Harder Faster Ask her Yet the silence stretches Sinking roots feeding everyone Telling nothing no one know I patiently wait, all the same

2017 'Yeah, base 12 is easy, you just count off your knuckles. You don't even need thumbs.' (Y)

The young'n has been blowing me the fuck out in maths for years already so even the smallest victory is sweet I spy her turning her hand all nonchalant like while I pretend to look away

We're embracing capitalism and on our way to formerly The largest shopping centre in all of Europe Only the roads and walls are the same In what seems just a few months A horizon replaced with an Ikea Pop-up shops and street furniture re-veneered in the seasons aesthetic

I've fallen out of the habit of carrying cash, and being around people So everyone gets the death stare and a slipped shoulder My Navigator locates the bourgeois soap shop and begins browsing tested on humans toiletries But settles in the end for 3 posters despite only really liking 2.

I'm in the market for new work trousers Seems my old ones can't quite contain all of my power I'm helping a valkyrauntie to lower her lawn 4 inches It's fucking madness but so is paying £150 for a glossy shoebox half full of glittering soap It takes 2 whole fingers worth of sarcastic comments from my copilot before I finally locate the Toolstation Hidden away and boxed in on all sides by other chain stores, restaurants, a multiplex cinema The arena. The red brick workshops on a winding narrow road seem out of place Even their cloak of soot has faded away now I show the assistant a screenshot of FV8333 Fending off requests for my email & offers of quarterly catalogues I score a pair of 65% plastic trousers, foam knee pads and 3 pairs of branded socks with a complementary hot chocolate for £11.50 "I'll take 2, since they're on offer."

The manual labour feels good But not as good as stopping We chat about the cannabis doc on itv the other night Featuring my aunties oldest friends in the form of retired soap stars Crossing America in a huge technicolour RV Getting themselves medicated and wankered and educated in that order "I wonder if it would help me with my Arthritis." I know what's coming, but roll out the interesting facts anyway "I'd never touch it, not after what happened to our Jason."

He was just 26 when he slipped the nurses and swam out to sea The doctors blamed the weed. An open and shut case.

"That's not why he did it Margaret." "Do you think not?" "There's more to it than those cunts know I think he had demons he needed peace from.." She nods slightly, with a somewhat numb expression "Besides, look how much the world has changed since then We're the fools for sticking around for it." I'm glad this raises the chuckle I was aiming for

Tossing the last inch of my coffee onto the lawn I return to heaving the sacks of turf and soil into the car Two at a time for balance

[myblueshades]

[myblueshades]

The message arrived at 7am barbed with insult and accusation YOUR DAUGHTER HAS HACKED ALL HER HAIR OFF BECAUSE etcetera etcetera etcetera Fourteen, coffee & cigarettes still on the horizon Her sidekick's dad is moving to Atlanta; He's some kind of domestic engineer. The whole affair is a just visa away Maybe a year, maybe forever, Jasmine has decided to go The clique implodes on the quadrant and in the fb group chat. Manifest as strawberry blonde on the bathroom floor

I open diplomatic negotiations via whatsapp A modern execution of traditional patriarchal dialogue 'Why did the tomato blush?' "Don't! Don't say it!!" The chat went on, and the second Sunday came around We visit family friends just returned from Majorca They have weird trinkets, cheap tobacco, and a thousand photographs A bomb on departure day, an acid attack on arrival Phoebe mentions nothing happened while she was in London There for a West end musical & shopping, with Jasmine. The conversation carries to the car, about the only place it survives these days "My nannan bought me a record player for my birthday, I found 'Stand & deliver' for 99p yesterday." I was suitably impressed, so after nailing the chorus I went on to tell her the tale of how in 1982, I used my sisters copy as a frisbee thru her bedroom window And accidentally drowned her mouse on the same day. Phoebe talks about getting Beethoven's 9th thrown in for as well, for free!

I line up & discard anecdotes and questions as she speaks -Running feral with electricians tape on our noses back in the day -Keep an eye out for Tchaikovsky, he's your grandfathers favourite -Shall we call in at so&so's house?

Quick as a flash we arrive at mom's Cheese sandwiches & knitted cardigans abound The chunky wool is only a quid a roll, 4 day turnaround She's smashing them out hand over fist for the valkyraunties 'They're in fashion this year too.' Phoebe chooses claret 'It'll be ready next time you come.'

The drive home has an even keel She leans in for her mandatory peck on the head By the time I've spun the car in next doors drive The front door has already closed.

[myblueshades]

[myblueshades]

And patience bought a crooked smile Nobody sees There was a wisdom I ignored in the old days It said; There aint a story without three.. Far away from doubt & deceit, reruns replay with all the subtlety removed All the decadence & deliberate washed clean of anxiety, angst. Absolved of blood and scar tissue. Just bare bones & absence rattling I ask nothing, 'cause listening isn't in right now. All this speak makes for the answers as chinks of light or a draught you can follow for a time. The question, weighted with bitterness says; Is the alternative not worse? Does dignity not die on the altar of the real?

I caught myself a zephyr while I was being publicly humiliated by my Valkyraunties It had the fragrance of parma violets and hayjump injuries The sage spoke of cold water and euclidean geometry- How the trout goes after a fright, how advantage isn't always intuitive The sisters took flight, and darkness pooled then consumed without want

Kinetic dreams Rhythmic and syncopated 'You know if you took every grain of truth in Holly Wood we could build a castle in the sky?' There's a sliver of so green it's blue permeating everything Promises of SCARLET on the billboards and behind every adblock in the land A throwback to the old ways so they say. a dead cert. listening watch

Let go of the real Let go of your illusion Make em have it Make your dream come

There's romance in the stars But only blood in my back catalogue Intrepid tales of misguided faith Broken threads, expensive mistakes I fester in a graveyard of empty bottles Bleached bones on broken teeth Waiting for the singularity to crack For the songs to sing tomorrow

[notalkingplz]

[myblueshades]

Open your haguaga

Logic & empathy as definition of mutually exclusivity

One division to rule them all

I'd break character if had dignity enough I'll be on time if I decided to go

As it is I'm sitting on the left side Always Beside the bookcase my father made It wears the non-drip gloss pitifully & I drop three feet long chestnut or grey hairs into the little gap that render most of it useless I have enough for a voodoo doll 10 lies wide even with the ongoing sacrifice, going to waste

Logic dictates a pretense of hopelessness In the real, for the now

Artificially here, I twist my hair like a third rate villain Pretend clowning the circus on the approaching horizon Without giving too much away though, coz Conviction seems ugly to the forlorn So, just shut the fuck up & listen Watch

We've reached the elastic limit of an iteration An operation underway before the French Revolution. My own Grandmother was dancing skyclad in the hills of Holm Firth back in '42 yet still I wear the black cloak & rebbit like I mean it for everyone a reason to vizard

animus forfeiting energy against resistors I say 'Atomisation was always the objective and hate is just fertiliser' for the fruit the other desires most is f e a r Both sides will Forget everything and remember laughter comes easy when you're wicked to a loved one but where will that end Once the Prime Directive arrives?

They told her 'Wind & rain makes us immortal.'

Though truth be told I quit giving weight to empaths years ago They have their light & heat burning consuming between shining domesticating wilderness wherever they go

Blind to the cold darkness aversion I see a grinning killer wearing a purple suit I see the end of all his meticulous dreams I see stories told across a firelight crackling

I see darkness giving way to the dawn

[myblueshades]

Make it up as you go along The flies keeping the cat entertained So between stepping past corpses I Blow smoke into their vectors and neglect to clean or eat properly _I’m usually this way round upside down Endorsed by domesticated creatures all across the North We reset the day daily a cheap shot at 9 for a line Infinite broken legs for the *redacted* black bastards _23 years counting revenue from whatever it was Willing the willing with nausea as wages Passing on qi should have been the answerr Fear and cowardice were sandstone gate posts I've known all along _ I miss her more than I can bear No forgiveness though. Sentences Shrink as the volume climbs I redressed screaming silence in ‘Teal’ and ‘Terracotta with Gold’ Still better off dead, than Black White n Red Last stop whisspered Druidic legends and tells of Witches filling the space left behind No room for emotion Unless clean_crystaline_sharp This full stop echoes But only hate needs feeding And I’m not so hungry these days. _

[myblueshades]

THE DESOLATION OF CHANNELING COINCIDENCE THEORISTS or

A white dog that does white shits & shares a name with the girl that broke my heart.

Thanks but no thanks. I mean You're very nice & everything but current year & all that. I'm content to stay here in the cool shade of the wrong side My name as hate so's you can restore balance to the farce From here all this screaming sunstroke seems ridiculous Choosing pushing pins into a map no one is inclined to read, never mind follow Tantrum as topography Virtue signalling as road sign Still darkness pools inexorable all around the others & I Our absence perceived as real Genuine proof that 'ere there be monsters

See I traded a gilded cage for a kind of blacker hill many moons gone already Spiritual fatigue too, is illusory There'll be no strength gained in leaning None in letting go Cui bono?

 Sometimes I allow myself to imagine an ending As if I have anything important to say, as if there will ever ever ever be more than dress up & pretend Thankfully the ink envelopes swiftly And there's always further to go

Sometimes I imagine a brand new beginning A magical place where befores are set aside All trails lead to yesterday The trees are seen for what they truly do, are The cosmological constant, forgotten with its sisters In favour of a deep breathing ribbon of coincidences Gravity thrown out of its material fortress of monotomic gold finally ousted by elastic trickery and spiralling strings of meadering, forking imagination Surfing plasmonic oscillations will be the new politics American boat people will realise all chess is four dimensional Memetic warfare was a psy-op in totality & quit reposting every individual bit of emotional wankery the darkness spits into their face I'll finally find the mineral composition required to jump careless & with terrible ease straight into her waiting embrace

Maybe it's best I just swim away Take care xx

[myblueshades]

I met her in 2009? Clare, with her friend.. Fuck. there's a Jarvis song with the same name.. Angela. Angela was in fact, nearly 23 An old friend of my alcoholic cousin Scott. He rocked up in his Japanese coupe looking to pair up & score some pills Angie was 5 months gone & Clare was maybe 19

Freshly paid in pound notes, the entire weekend was a fucking shambles The lasses picked the fights & I paraphrased the tao te ching at any fvcking manlet drunk or stupid enough to bite

'How can you drive I can't even see!' I stole his car anyway. one eyed adrenaline Made it home on the Rotherham back roads. Moral hazard musings for breakfast, also B.E.S.T. Angela wondered off a few weeks later, but I heard from Clare that she lost the baby a couple more after that.

Scott & her kinda hit it off Insofar as she was always ready to get drunk & she did a bit of washing & hoovering Sex on tap & submissive with it. On the sick with anxiety So always home.

Fast forward to 2012 frayed edges showing 'She's always round my fucking neck How can you get to 23 & have never had a job.'

I asked her one time what her problem was Told her she shouldn't let her 20's slide by with this drunken prick in a one bedroom flat.

I read nothing into her reply in truth. Thought nothing of it. Typical hyperbole & a pinch of salt She was already in floods of tears Sat in front of the fire getting a sports bag's worth of shit together. Now I think on I never heard a malicious word pass her lips in the 5 years or so I knew her. Easy to mistake for empty-headedness if you're a mean drunk & your job's shite.

'I grew up in care and while I was there I got raped by some pakis. So it sort of fucked my head up. I don't have anywhere else to go.'

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rotherham_child_sexual_exploitation_scandal

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

I am still in the labyrinth, and I must be willing to get lost before I am saved. It is only when I abandon myself that I am saved.

Anaïs Nin, from The Diary Of Anais Nin, Vol. 4: 1944-1947 (via violentwavesofemotion)

[notalkingplz]

Variations on a Theme

by Notalkingplz

[myblueshades]

[myblueshades]

Yeller ain't sold haha I'm raising the dopamine levels present in the eternal housewives brain which triggers the adrenal gland to squeeze a spot of oxytocin along with the serotonin pump that's met with inertia and despondency because the eye for a strawberry or medicinal plant not to mention the emotional zeitgeist then and now has been conditioned by Brand You modernity to see only sale sold and aspire but the clicks don't burn that adrenaline away so the cortisol sets in their veins and their hearts they become Static Consuming Units making decisions arbitrarily according to what happens right before where aspire begins robot equals machine etymologicalally aspire yes carry on but it doesn't hasn't will not begin like they'll think it does evermore which is a utopia a concept a utopian concept that exists just after sold Sold SOLD A segmented existence If there is the lie the joke the shepherd and a thief, Il bet that's what she likes Those symbols are spirals, think close, more than closed Enough of this foolishness Red Stripe and a succession of passing black marks. Still singing a different song And the wait is almost over Hey hey hey