[mycrazylife-anunfilteredtruth]

14/01/2020

My grandad is amazing to me. Our relationship blossomed 7 years ago when his mum passed away. She was my best friend and I was her golden girl. When she passed, my grandad opened up a lot more to me and we bonded over the heart ache of losing our beloved lady. Before that, he was a very guarded person who wouldn't show his emotions because of things he'd been through in the past, it simply wasn't his way.

Two nights ago, my wonderful grandad told me that he was proud of me, and I very nearly cried. It came out of nowhere and really hit me. I told him that I loved him very much, and for the first time ever, he said it back to me.

The love and respect that I have for my grandad is out of this world. The love he has for me and my boy is beautiful to see.

[mycrazylife-anunfilteredtruth]

09/01/2020

Having a boyfriend you can message saying "I'm on really bad and I feel awful" for him to stock up on pads and tampons and buys you chocolate/ice cream is an absolute blessing. I adore my man and his gentlemanly ways ❤️

In other news, ttc month 3 - unsuccessful 💔

We tried for four years, and had five miscarriages, before being blessed with R. I had 2 miscarriages last year. I'm just really hoping that our journey is a little smoother this time around.

[mycrazylife-anunfilteredtruth]

06/01/2020

Tonight, I screamed at my child. And I feel like the worst mum in the world.

Sleep isn't a thing in my house right now. He fights it and screams and shouts and smacks his head on the cot. I need sleep. I can't cope with no sleep any more.

It's half 4. H will be leaving for work in 30 minutes. Neither of us have slept. R is still crying. He's had his nappy changed, bottle, bath, cuddles, music, film... everything I can think of, I've tried. He's still awake crying. And I shouted at the little shit because, as much as I love him, mumma needs to fucking sleep too.

[mycrazylife-anunfilteredtruth]

28/12/2019

Turns out my "tonsillitis" is actually glandular fever. I feel like utter shite. How is it possible to hurt in so many places at once? Fuck me.

I'm also trying to process the loss of relative that I have a pretty complicated relationship with/connection to. Long story short, she couldn't have children so offered to pay my parents for me before I was born. Clearly, she wasn't in the right frame of mind during that period. My parents obviously said no and did their best to keep me as far away from her as they could during my childhood.

I have a few really good memories with her but when I found out why I wasn't ever left alone with her, it threw everything into an insane sense of confusion. And I never spoke to her about why she did what she did and I wish I had. They're answers I'll never have.

[mycrazylife-anunfilteredtruth]

26/12/2019

I forgot to share yesterday...

My heart melted every time R opened a present yesterday and said "wow" to everything. He has such a precious little soul.

[mycrazylife-anunfilteredtruth]

26/12/2019

Say goodbye to Christmas and hello to tonsillitis. Fuck.

Only I could be this ill when H has taken silly amounts of overtime at work and R had decided that screaming is a crazy fun thing to do.

I feel like there's an army of little people banging drums in my head and slicing my throat with tiny blades.

Only 5 and a half hours until bedtime.

[mycrazylife-anunfilteredtruth]

Having a play with Tumblr and noticed that you can change the post font. That's an interesting development!

[mycrazylife-anunfilteredtruth]

25/12/2019

It's currently 6.01am and I'm sat crying my living room. I've played Santa tonight and put out the presents ready for tomorrow. Times are hard and money's been tight. My parents are simply amazing and that's why I'm crying. Me and H agreed not to buy anything but to concentrate on buying R treats. It's his second Christmas and he's now toddling so we're creating a play room for him. Most of it has been second hand. Earlier today, my parents dropped a bag of gifts off for R and I've just sorted through them to find that she's also bought for me and H and I cried. It's the little things that make the day special. It now means that we'll have gifts to open with R in the morning. We also couldn't afford Christmas dinner so have been invited to my parents house for a family dinner. I'm so lucky to have them - regardless of our ups and downs.

Merry Christmas everyone 🎄