i have been so busy lately! i started my new job last week, and i really like it so far. everyone who works there is cool and some of them share some similar interests with me. i'm always busy working with my hands, but i enjoy the work and i can listen to music or audiobooks or podcasts or whatever i want. if anyone has any recommendations on what i should listen to, let me know! i have a lot of listening time on my hands now, and i love hearing what others are into. overall it's going well! i have a little routine now, which i did not realize that i desperately needed in my life. it's been really great having some form of structure and stability. i dont think i realized how long i've been without it. i'm starting to get the hang of things and i'm starting to feel like an adult. i told my boss at my seasonal job that i've been doing for years now that i won't be coming back full time this year, since i have another full time job now. i think he was bummed out about it. i will miss everybody there so much! they are like my family. but it is time to grow up now.
other than working, i've been mostly decompressing at home or hanging out with my buddy who i met in the psych ward about 5 years ago. they are a great friend to me. we recently went to the book store, and there i bought a miniature version of a wreck this journal. i used to have the original version when i was a teen, and i had a lot of fun with it. i'll include some of my little doodles in my new journal here. apologies for the text post rather than my usual hand written page, i haven't really had the time to get into my digital art groove lately. i will get back to it soon on my days off.
i hope everybody has had a lovely february so far <3
Happy Valentine's Day to all of you cute and lovely humans! I like this holiday. It's sweet! I like to see all the cute chubby cherubs and cupids. I like to appreciate my loved ones a little extra. I like to go to the store tomorrow and buy a whole bunch of heart shaped candies for a very good price. I love love.
Lately I haven't had a whole lot going on. I've been looking at apartment listings and daydreaming. Watching a bunch of Twin Peaks. I spent the night at my friend's apartment the other night. I feel comfortable with myself there. They took me to this cute little local coffee shop, where I had the greatest cup of coffee I've ever tasted!
I talked to my mom on the phone today. She told me that she went kayaking in a river close to her home, and that she saw 6 big huge fat cute manatees! How lucky is that! I hope I can go to that place next time I visit her.
Today I'm going to relax and watch movies and do nothing and not feel guilty about it. I start my new job on Monday! Woohoo! I'm trying to get as much relax time in before then. I'm nervous to start! I hope that it works out. And I also hope that my coworkers are kind.
I hope everyone is having a lovely day filled with sweetness. Take extra good care of yourself today ♡♡
Good news since the last time I wrote! I got a job offer to the job I was interviewing for! Woohoo :D I accepted it! I had to write a fancy email in order to do that. I think I am not a very formal type of guy at all! It was weird. But I am excited and nervous to start! I think more human interaction will be good for me. I will start after valentines day and I will write about it then.
Other than that, I have been at my Dad’s house for the weekend. On Friday, my dad wanted to go to the smoke shop for something. We noticed a small police presence outside, thought nothing of it. When we went into the shop, there was nobody in there and all of the displays were smashed in and tipped over onto the floor and broken!! I think the dang place got robbed right before we went in there. I said WOW!!! We got out of there real quick. I hope nobody got hurt!
Yesterday we drank a lot of beers and watched the UFC fights. I love doing that with my dad! It was a real great night. We listened to a lot of music, too. My dad kept playing the song “Save Yourself I’ll Hold Them Back” by My Chemical Romance. He kept saying “this is the greatest rock song ever written…” I’m laughing while writing this. He isn’t even wrong, that’s a great fucking song. And Danger Days is a heavily underrated album. Such a good nostalgic band. I remember coming across the music video for Helena when I was in 6th grade and thinking “I want to look like them..” I was heavily influenced. Ha-ha!
Being with my family makes me feel really nostalgic. I love and hate that feeling. It makes me miss something that I don’t have in my life anymore, and I don’t even know what it is. I’ll figure it out one day.
Tonight I’m going to hang out with my family while they watch the Super Bowl. I do not care for football, or for most sports, but I do care about the snacks and the beers and the time spent with family.
Also, I made the photo of myself pictured below in procreate yesterday.
February has had kind of a strange start for me. I wonder if anybody else feels the same? Yesterday was a little extra rough. I started spiraling a little bit, which turned into a lot and had some rolling panic attacks for a few hours. It's been a long time since that sort of thing last happened to me. I feel like I've gotten a lot better at managing my symptoms, but nothing was working. I felt incredibly dissociated. The weird, hyper-aware type, too. Like where you can't watch TV because youre suddenly tuned in to how fake the set looks, and how everyone is just acting and it all seems so fake. And then real life starts feeling like that. It really freaks me out when I start feeling that. I took a klonopin, and that helped. I played chess on my phone, and tried not to think. I tried listening to some music, but even songs I'm greatly familiar with sounded all warbled and slow and messed up and it was freaking me out more. I turned it off real quick, but then the silence seemed loud. I really did not like that. I got to sleep after a while. Today has been better. Easier.
I really hope I don't feel that dreadful feeling again any time soon. Or ever again.
I woke up at noon today. Had my coffee and did some dishes and laundry. It's kinda hard to feel productive these days, it seems there's hardly anything to do. I tried to find a class to watch on skill share, but nothing was grabbing me. I was feeling apathetic. Laid around for a while. Made a fish sandwich and mac + cheese for dinner.
I wanted to watch a movie around 8pm. I watched the movie "Frances Ha." I've heard of it before, but what really sold me on watching it today was the fact that I saw it on this list of "Best movies to watch when you hate yourself." Totally loved this movie! I feel this age of adulthood I am in is so confusing, and this movie made me feel a little less lost and a little more seen. Heavily relatable and very realistic. I'm really glad I watched that one today, I needed it. Love Greta Gerwig. Her character reminded me of this girl I was massively in love with when I was 21. I hope she has found her way. Why does that period of my life seem so far away now?
Tomorrow I'm hoping to accomplish something. I don't know what yet. I just don't want to rot in bed with all my big thoughts again all day. Just small easily digestible thoughts.
i don't think anything will ever make me feel the same way superwholock made 14 year old me feel on this little blue website in 2013. those were powerful emotions that my developing brain was not ready for.
hey this isn't really an ask but i need to say it anyway or it'll kill me lol
you shouldn't feel bad when your friends want to treat you! i know it's hard feeling all guilty and stuff, trust me i get it, accepting kindness esp when u feel like u don't deserve it is hard, but trust me, they clearly like you enough to force you out of the house so you can spend time with them :)
be easier on yourself, okay? stay safe <3
hi friend!
thank you very much for the kind words. your message was very thoughtful and it's well appreciated :'] i deeply struggle with low self esteem, it's something i am working on. i even did some of that type of work in therapy today! :] i will keep your words in mind. thanks for taking the time to share some encouragement. i'm glad youre here 🫶🏻 also i hope this week is the best week you've ever had and i hope that you are blessed with many ridiculously pleasant unsuspected surprises. in a magical way ✨️
Hi Chris!! Just wanna ask, was there anything in particular that made you want to start an online diary? Also your entries so far are really good and SO AESTHETIC i love :)
hey friend! thanks for asking. i wanted to challenge myself a bit. i have a hard time being vulnerable with people in my daily life, and i thought posting some of my personal ramblings and thoughts would help me be more comfortable with myself. i struggle with creative spark sometimes too, and having a place here to express myself helps a lot with motivation. i’ve also never shared my art publicly so i’m trying that out! ahhhhh!!
thanks for the kindness, thanks for being here, and i hope that today treats you well :]
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