EXPLORER

Looking for what doesn't exist.

[i-hate-chick-fil-a]

That man is staying home even though his head takes up his entire house. #StayHomeSaveLives

[somethoughtseeds]

[myfilmlog]

365 Movie Challenge

Hearts Beat Loud

203/365

[mydreamgirld0ntexist]

I found this movie at exactly the right time!! I fully believe it saved my life during my darkest time. I was left alone in a pandemic having been lied to and cheated on for months, but this movie and its music spoke to me. It showed me it's ok to let things go and move forward. It's for the best and you can't get stuck holding on to something that was. You just have TO LET IT ALL GO!!!

[mydreamgirld0ntexist]

[mydreamgirld0ntexist]

Day 3

Idk what to say really I still struggle with checking the social accounts wondering how things are. I've done this in the past but it's different now. At least I hope it is because it just seems to fit with everything I've been telling myself. The emotional and mental abuse I went through still exists and probably will for awhile but I just can't help but wonder if she's doing alright. Which first off let me be clear cause ik you're think it. Yes I'm crazy and yes I know I shouldn't care because it's a condition she created to hold me in something so I wouldn't leave. Which I realized today and I'm proud of myself for being aware enough to know what was happening. There were plenty of times I wanted to leave and was ready but those words that she always seemed to repeat haunted me and put me in an inescapable prison. I would often find myself in those moments wondering what would happen if I left. She said she had no friends but she would later claim talking to people about us. She claimed her home life was bad which it was for the most part but I can see now that most of her problems at home were because of her. The thing that haunted me the most and kept me shackled to her was the fear she would take her own life. That's a heavy burden to put on someone and I hope no one ever does that to you. Let me be clear tho she never came out and said she would take her life, but when we first met she would often joke about how she thought she would never make it to see a certain age. Which wasn't like 30 it was just a year or two from the time I met her. So it placed a heavy weight on my heart when she would always tell me that I don't know where I'd be without out you or I wouldn't be here without you. I could never take that risk of doing something where it would possibly lead her to take her own life.

That's just the kind of person I am. I will often put the concerns of others over what's best for me or what I want. I hope through this healing process and our daily conversations I will become more vocal and express what's important to me. I hope to act on those thoughts so that I can have a life with little regrets. Ik I will have regrets this week about not going and helping my sister but ik she is thinking about me and concerned. I have two sisters and can say I've never been close to one and the other I would do anything for. Through this process tho ik that eventhough I may not talk to one or get along with as much she love me all the same. They were both concerned for me and know that I was in a bad place. Their support is more than i could ever ask for and if you two ever read this...... I LOVE YOU STACY AND ABBY SO MUCH!!!!

[animalsnaps]

Animal snaps

[mydreamgirld0ntexist]

Well its day 2 and I can't really say how I feel. The sadness is still there and creeps up on me when I least expect it. I find myself tired everyday which is unusual. So I have to ask myself am I not sleeping well because of all this weight and burden I feel on my heart or with everything that's going on in the world am I experiencing symptoms of the virus that is sweeping the world. I really hope it's the sleep cause to even think of the other as a possibility is really scary.

I worked today and only had a few breakdowns which is good a lot better than yesterday which included a panic attack. I don't know if I mentioned that, but it was not good. I have to say the place I work at right now, target, is such an amazing place with people that care so much. I've never felt this level of support from a job ever. I'm not just talking about the job and the fact that they are allowing me to take some time to get my life in order, but the people as well who are just so supportive. In the past the people I've worked with most closely have been extremely supportive but never on the level I have now. People I barely talk to say that they're here for me and to just let them know if I need anything.

I know I mentioned this yesterday and I'll be damned if it didn't happen again. I heard my phone this morning. Ik it's crazy but it's almost the same time everyday. So did my brain just get use to it and is anticipating it or is it still that longing for the familiar. I'm not really sure but I know it has to stop. I'll keep you updated on the phantom soundd I hear.

I found myself look at accounts which ik isn't healthy cause it then leads to longing for a message or me wanting to reach out but I can't or I'll never heal.

All this truly leads me to believe what my friend said and it's what she said so long ago I just didn't listen. I was in something toxic and both mentally and emotionally abusive. I would've never believed it, but this time I'm using to look back on things just proves it. I hope you never find yourself in a situation like this my friend. If you do listen to your friends, get out, and save yourself the heartache if you can even really call it that. It's hard to describe because that's what it feels like but it's not exactly that. I truly realize that in this moment right now. I was never the focus I was the light that her darkness leeched to survive. My concerns were never addressed but I was always expected to be the one to pick up the pieces and hold her together during it all. I was solely used as a way to uplift and protect a fragile person who didn't care about my well being. Which if I'm being honest really showed at the end. I can see it now so clearly everything she said was to make me feel like I was the little boy with his finger in the dam. The she wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me, idk where I'd be if it wasn't for you, or you're my only friend I dont have anyone else. Ik she talked about the thoughts she had about ending it all before we met but now I question if that was real or a ploy for attention. That never ended by the way through the whole time even in the end it was like shackles she used to keep me in the place where she wanted me.

Trust me ik I said I wouldn't talk about the past and this would be about my journey about getting back to the good place. Hopefully kristen bell will be there, jk but it's a good show check it out. No I have to find the place where I'm happy again and pray that the light and goodness in me wasn't all sucked up Darby O'gills banshee. It's what makes me who I am. I just have this ability to uplift people and be what they need. As much as it's a gift it a curse because I've yet to find anyone who truly appreciates it. To often people use me to get back to a good place for themselves. I once had a girl tell me she was addicted to my personality. Like wtf does that mean, and just know that really fucked me up. Thats a story for a different time maybe.

[mydreamgirld0ntexist]

Still day one I'm just struggling to find motivation to go to sleep. Which I know sounds funny because that should be something so easy especially in the mind set I'm in but it's hard. I've found myself recently hearing sounds that are so real to me and it's just the sounds my phone would make. I get so excited when I hear them but instantly get disappointed when I see it was just a very realistic dream. I use to long for those sounds because it meant what I thought was love, friendship, or I'm not even really sure anymore what it actually was. I just know at it's best it gave me that comfort that a childhood blanket or stuffed animal gives you. There were times I hated how often it notified me and struggled with that but now and especially toward the end I found that I missed that comfort.

[mydreamgirld0ntexist]

Well it's day one and it's been absolute hell!!

I honestly wish I could say it was day one quarantine from the coronavirus but sadly I can't. It's the first day of being awake, truly awake to what's been going on in my life.

Some where along the line I lost sight of who I really was and allowed myself to get caught up in this romantic narrative I set for myself. I believed like most people since the first love story ever written that I was in my own story. This was it the stars and planets had aligned and god had finally answered my prayers and freed me from my isolation. I would be alone no longer and would live happily ever after. Ik what you're thinking.. and yes I'm hella crazy. Stories like that just dont happen in the real world. If they do it's some kind of fluke or I wanna see their charts because the stars and shit definitely didn't align. This isn't a story or jourbal about what happened, what could've been, or what did I do. No this is a story or if you wanna call it a journal about how you heal, find redemption in yourself, and move on.

This is in no way formal! I'm writing this wherever the mood finds me although it will be everyday. I have to make and keep routines for myself. I get sidetracked easily so you'll probably see this from time to time. So back to the point who knows when and where I'll write. Currently I'm writing in the shower because its helping ease my mind and soothe my heart. Take that sadness and depression!! I can ensure you that there will be times I write on the toilet but trust me I wash my hands so no need to worry. This is a long and earlier I would've said lonely journey but I've realized that I've met some amazing people in my life. They're with me right now!! Not in the shower you perves but in my heart. You'll hear more about my amazing friends throughout my journey. Tonight tho its Cameron and Maile and they are the best people ik and have supported me through my dumbest moments. Now I'm crying but not because I'm sad but because as I type these words the feelings that over whelm me are of support, compassion, and love. I'm truly blessed to have them in my life.

[mydreamgirld0ntexist]

@youremarvelous

[mydreamgirld0ntexist]

@youremarvelous

[mydreamgirld0ntexist]

@youremarvelous

[parkaposyart]

NEW AVAILABLE ART PROGRAM

It seems to be a mix between SAI and photoshop, simplified. It even has a stabalizer that works even with the mouse.

Best of all, it’s free, and works for both Mac and Windows.

To give it a try, head right on down to http://firealpaca.com/

[zaquanimus]

[totalspiffage]

Reblogging for artsy people that follow me. Also a lovely name for a program.

[izzyhill]

[gameboyalexander-deactivated201]

I WAS JUST WANTING TO DRAW SOMETHING WITH MY NEW TABLET BUT I COULDN’T BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE A PROGRAM TUMBLR IS READING MY MIND!!!!

[stealtharchaeologist]

I’m really fond of this program so far. It may be a bit over-simplified - I’ve had trouble figuring out some really basic things - but it responds really well to my tablet, which is the most important thing.

[nerdgasrnz]

It launches fast. Works well on Windows AND Mac. It’s perfect for fast or derp doodles and screencaps. It has guides which are awesome for helping with drawing perspective and uniform direction lines It even shows you pretty artwork in its dialogue window at startup for inspiration. IT’S AWESOME.

[nerdgasrnz]

For those who don’t know:

THE ALPACA HAS LEVELED UP

-Has an Animation Mode (OnionSkin mode) using the layers as frames -Reference Window -Advanced Brush settings and editing -New Filters such as “Invert”, “Extracting Lines”, “Cloud”, and “Sand” -More snap tools, including a 3D perspective function

And the younger sister software, Medibang Paint Pro, is a more robust version that’s usable on not just Computers, but Android and iOS systems as well

-You can save your preferences, workspace, brushes, palettes, and materials if you have a Medibang.com account, and you can export/import them across different computers if need be. -Medibang is a lot like Pixiv or DeviantART, except you can become a published illustrator and/or Comics/Manga artist, regardless of where you’re from in the world -Medibang allows you to upload directly to their site as long as you have an internet connection -You can collaborate with others on illustrations or comic projects using the cloud saving system -Free brushes, screen tones, and background images available for download from the cloud, for use in your artwork

[mydreamgirld0ntexist]

When you get to actually do something fun at work!!!

[mydreamgirld0ntexist]

Thought you might enjoy this!! @youremarvelous @the-ginger-miss

[the-ginger-miss]

The greatest protest against Trump we could do is to not watch his inauguration. He vies so deeply for our attention; how destroyed he would be if no one watched his proudest moment.

[meraofxebel]