Conflicted Soul

I’m not poetic, just conflicted

[myescaperoom]

Realization is setting in.

I catch myself savoring every last moment I still have with you.

You claim and try your best to reassure my tormented soul that nothing will change but I know better.

Soon I’ll walk these halls and feel the emptiness of you being no where near.

My time will wither away; purposeless

You won’t be here anymore

I told myself that it was okay. I would wait. For you my patience could never end.

But I know, this is it.

I know deep in my core, you will never return.

[myescaperoom]

To you,

As I write this I’ve accepted that my emotions have run too far for too long and I’ve been left in this entanglement of my own demise.

It’s bewildering to me how I always feel like I’m in control. Always have an expected end. But never with you.

I never expected, never hoped, never played the game. And somehow it has been one of the hardest most beautiful loves I have yet to experience.

I’ll call it for what it is- love.

No logic, no reason or practicality has been able to deter my emotions or the way I view you. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. Even hold back my love from you.

Love is kind and love is patient. For you, I selflessly let go and know that you don’t deserve the pain that would come of us. I love you. I admit it.

My heart grieves the almosts and the what if’s but somehow it feels like realizing no hope can ever come from us- hearing it from

Your lips…

Makes it real and makes it easier to move on. I hurt. Your infectious smile and ocean eyes have consumed every part of my being. I always meant it when I spoke of your eyes… the genuine tone of your voice.

The endless peace that I never failed to walk away from whenever I encountered you. I realize now why people say to fall in love with the person who makes you feel safe. I never felt butterflies or anxiety with you. Only safety and security. In every way.

Your dark humor and endless facial expressions paved their way into my heart, laugh by laugh. You are a beautiful person inside and out. All I ever wanted was to figure you out. To see your beautiful and especially your ugly.

I wanted to see your demons and love them. I wanted nothing more. I have never been so sure of someone. So sure of you. I would never hesitate with you. To give myself fully.

I thank you for your love I thank you for the security you have brought my soul.

My soul has become happier since you’ve come around. And I will never regret that. I want you to move on and grow- even if that means leaving me behind.

I love you. I love your mind. I love the way you see life. And all I hope and desire for you is to be truly genuinely happy. I can live peacefully for the rest of my life simply knowing I was lucky enough to hold a piece of your heart at one point in your beautiful life. I adore you. I always will. Thank you for the memories… Our story will never end. Until then.

You are the most unexpectedly beautiful experience of my life. Thank you for loving me.

You will forever be my happiest memory

[myescaperoom]

Realization

I saw you

Finally, once more

I’ve seen you

My dreams won’t let go of your memory

They yearn and desperately plead with my soul to bring you closer

I’ve come to the sorrowful realization,

I was wrong.

I don’t regret leaving,

I regret not cherishing you enough.

I can still pinpoint the exact moment that I let go and lost all interest,

However, I can’t say I remember ever losing

my love for you.

You keep invading my dreams and I’m left with this wonder in my chest

Long suffering desire to speak your name once more and to hear that you’ve been okay

I want to hear about your life and if you’ve found a new love

A new me

I don’t think I’ve ever apologized

Oh simply, for the way

I left

I apologize for the pain and the anger I caused you.

I was pained too.

All I hope is that your dreams still yearn for me

The way my soul

Still yearns for yours

[myescaperoom]

Why am I always drawn to the worst people...

Maybe I’m held down by the hope that they could be better

[myescaperoom]

I promise you

You will find things in her that you would’ve never found in me

But

You will never find the things you found in me

In her

She has everything you want

She is not what you need

There is no jealousy, no remorse

There is only reason and observation

I hope you find yourself someday

Love yourself first

[myescaperoom]

No

I do not regret my choice

No

I do not regret leaving the way that I did

Having to uphold this standard of yours that I would never be for a man who would never reach mine

Maybe it was pitty

Maybe it was comfort

But ultimately I can’t understand how we ended up together in the first place

You were never what I wanted, yet I accepted you and chose to grow with you

Maybe. It was just weakness.

To love and to be loved is all I desired and you were there.

Sad thing is, now I realize it was never close to being love to begin with.

I live in remorse to all the time and opportunities I wasted in attempts to please you. I regret letting you control me the way you did.

I regret not standing up for myself sooner in fear that your anger would once again get the best of you.

I lived with your betrayals convincing myself that you would change. It was impossible for me to tear down our castle over a strong wind.

Eventually, it would pass.

I don’t understand anymore

I don’t understand if I am wrong

If I will ever truly understand how to continue a healthy relationship in my future I’ve stopped trying.

As much as my heart wishes for companishionship my mind understands that she is not ready for the turmoils and the distractions that would arise up ahead the road of betrayal and control

She is not ready. I am not ready.

For maybe the scars you caused are deeper than I allow myself to realize but... maybe one day. I’ll be shown the way.

I hope you are happy. I hope you keep her safe.

She is a beautiful creature all within her own and she suits you better than I ever will.

We came from two different worlds and thought the beauty of us was mixed between our differences. It is not.

I’m glad you found her. She will give you everything I could not. Please be good to her and learn from the pain you wrecklessly put me through. Be careful to opening doors that will lead you to dark paths.

Above all,

Respect her.

[myescaperoom]

Subconsciously my mind has become darker and colder- less willing to find peace in warmth and comfort

I’m not the person whom I was before

And I don’t believe there will ever be a place for her once more

Ambition and curiosity have made their way through

I’m an unpredictable fire waiting to burst

I won’t just burn this house down

Once I finally let it go-

Once I finally burst-

I’ll burn the whole city to flames

[myescaperoom]

To be so passionate

And indecisive

Is the cruelest curse of all

[myescaperoom]

I wish I had the strength

To commit

When I say,

“I’m done.”

[myescaperoom]

It’s almost as if you knew...

Almost as if you truly knew that day before you left would be the last kiss you’d ever give me.

Your mouth caressed mine so passionately, so desperately.

As if everything would crumble if you stopped.

You must’ve known.

That kiss marked loss and betrayal waiting to surface as soon as you left.

That day, was the last of it all.

[myescaperoom]

i don't think there is a time or place for us to exist anymore

[myescaperoom]

it's never quite the same

i'm not sure if i like how awfully inconsistent he is or if it's a complete turn off

i don't know at all

sometimes i feel like i'll be ending up with someone like my father

i won't allow that but he's not my father... I don't think so

I don't know

[myescaperoom]

There's so much that proves to me that you care but so much that contradicts it all...

Why are we such a mess?

[myescaperoom]

I’m empowered by the thought of you