[myfeeeeeeeelings]

Here’s a secret

Me and my cousins have always been afraid of 19. My uncle died at 19. My cousin got into a really bad car-wreck at 19. We always secretly thought it was a curse. Mostly for the boys. They weren’t safe at this age. Me and one of my cousins talked about it only once. I think it was after my brother turned 20. She said “Honestly I was worried about him.” I think that’s why when I finally turned 19 this year I was so scared. It wasn’t only me and my brother who believed there was something wrong with the number, and curses don’t pick and choose so even though I was a girl I wasn’t safe. I always thought if something were to happen, it’s be physical. I’d die, break a bone, get raped. Something like that. Something you could see. But nothing like that has happened(knock on wood), I’m 9 months in and all that’s happened is I’ve gotten my gallbladder out. But actually, 19 has probably been the worst year. 2015 has probably been the worst year, from the second January came up. I wasn’t even 19 yet. I don’t think me and my cousins thought the curse would bring something mental. I’ve broken up with my boyfriend(now ex) so many times that at this point he’s done with me. I’m so fucked up I can’t even be with my soulmate. I’ve had too many suicidal thoughts I’m surprised I’m not dead. Too many cuts, too many insults from me to myself. I don’t know if it’s the curse. If there is a curse. But this year has been the peak of my unstable mind. It’s definitely been bad before but this year definitely tops any other. I don’t know if I believe in curses, I don’t know if I believe in this one, because for the most part my cousins have been fine...but only physically. I don’t know about mentally. Because that’s something you can’t touch. That’s something you can hide. I don’t know what the point of this post is. I don’t have any inspirational message for you. Guess I just needed to get that “secret” out. I’m going through something I can’t explain, and I have no idea why I’m going through it. Curse or not it’s happening. I can only hope that as soon as midnight strikes on the first of January, the first of the new year that everything will be okay. That maybe when 19 is over and I hit 20, things will actually get better. Not that magic has ever done anyone any good. 

[myfeeeeeeeelings]

Fear of expression

It's hard to communicate your feelings when it feels like no one is listening. It's years of telling stories, looking around as you speak and realizing no one is even paying attention. It's those times when you go to pour your heart out, only to have someone nod and make a comment about something completely unrelated. It's having someone disregard your feelings, because what you're upset about isn't a big deal to them. It makes you feel unimportant, stupid, and childish when you're only a little more sensitive than you wish to be. When people come and act like they care...it seems like it is just that,acting. Then you're told not to shut down, but the whole time you feel that's the only thing you've been invited to do, because when you've tried to be open, everyone else closed you off.

[myfeeeeeeeelings]

Dying

Without you I feel dead inside. I don't even feel like living, without you. I can hardly get up in the morning and i so easily cry myself to sleep at night. You were my world, my everything. And I made the stupid decision to let you go. The only time I'm happy is when we text because we promised each other we'd still be friends. But most the time...all of the time you're not here and I want to die. I never wanted to let a boy control my happiness but you're more than a boy to me. You're my best friend. You'll always be my best friend. I used to tell you everything and now i can hardly tell you about my day. you were more than my boyfriend. You'll always be more than my cousin's best friend. You're are my soul mate and i can only hope we can be together again. Because i can only wish everyday that we're meant to be

[myfeeeeeeeelings]

Alone

It's like all at once the loneliness took over and it feels like nobody is there. When you think all you've ever felt is hate for everyone and then you realize everyone is what you need. You've been so stubborn and weak, filling yourself with a nonexistent hate. Pushing people away. Acting like they don't matter. And then they're gone and guess what, you care. When your exterior shows no mercy but inside you're screaming to be different. To be loved. To love. To be surrounded by life. You lay alone in the dark every night, music barely keeping you sane. You wake up alone. You eat alone. You go to school or work and watch everyone who has someone, and you can't help but feel like you have no one. You feel as though you have lost out on the most important thing in life and guess what...you have. You have only yourself to blame, this is true. You're guilty. But there's no way to turn back time. No way to change the damage you are responsible for. No way to be mad at the people who've simply moved on. You can only wish and hope and pray that it'll get better. That you'll find the courage to hate no more.

[myfeeeeeeeelings]

College College College

do i go here or do i go there?

do i fight to leave or settle and stay?

do i try something new or stick with the old?

do i do what's easy or take the challenge?

who do i make happy?

how do i make myself happy?

how do i know what's right?

[myfeeeeeeeelings]

April 26, 2014

"Do you know what I picture every night before I fall asleep just so I could fall asleep happy? I imagine you and me in our home with our four children living the life I've always dreamed of."

[myfeeeeeeeelings]

April 26, 2014

"I don't want to exist in a world that you're not in."

"I know as long as I have you by my side I'll never be alone and I could get through anything as long as I have the only thing in my life worth living for and that's you."

Love is support. Love is dependent. Love is knowing what you want, who you want. Love should be so strong you can no longer be afraid.

[myfeeeeeeeelings]

Ode To The Fighters

They are the selfless

They are the thoughtful

They are the beautiful

They are the kind

They are the ones we all must find

They are the speakers

They are the lovers

They are the ones yet to be discovered

They are the brave

They are the happy

They are the freely inventive, the creative expressers

They are the dreamers

They are the helpers

They are the ones that never lose hope

They are the caring

They are the hurt

They are the ones who have gone through worse

They are the survivors

They are the fighters, the thinkers

The talkers, the leaders

The never-deceivers

(To anyone who has changed your life.)

[myfeeeeeeeelings]

The poem for love

I couldn’t recognize the feeling. It’s something I’ve never felt before. But that day when I looked at you, I couldn’t turn away. The love songs, the tumblr pictures, all reminding me of you. You make me smile, you make me laugh, even correct me when I’m wrong. From embarrassing moments, to the times when we’ve cried, the loving has never stopped. I sit here and pray to God, that is never does. In this short time we’ve learned so much, about each other and ourselves. We may be young but that doesn’t mean, that we don’t know how to love. We’ve become best friends, We’ve gotten so close, We share our secrets, dreams, and feelings. And all I do is hope and pray, our connection doesn’t fade away.

[myfeeeeeeeelings]

The Poem That Rhymes

An unknown feeling

An unknown pain

Quiet suffering

An ongoing chain

Never-ending madness

No gain of hope

No end to the sadness

Silently waiting

For what is unknown

To open up is what's fearing

To never be shown

When did it start

Will it ever end

To fix a broken heart

To put it to mend

Clearing the mind

Forgetting the pain

A wish left behind

Of ending the chain