I've had a few years to reflect and think about the impact playing Survivor has had on my life. While never a life dream and never a super fan, this experience was one I took to test myself and see how far I could push myself. I don't think I've ever shared this picture with the world because this picture captures a moment in time that is precious and free from critique. You see the exhaustion on my literal body, but yet I'm still smiling and glowing from starving on an island and getting banged up for over three weeks. I tell people that if Survivor never aired, I would totally do it over and over again, but the one thing people don't prepare you for is actually watching it on tv alongside thousands/millions of people who think they know every aspect of you based on the sixty minutes they get of you once a week.
I'm writing to myself now because I really couldn't write post-playing because I was still in that high mental state mixed with delusion. When it finally airs, you realize that your reality out there wasn't the only one which honestly fucks with you and your ego. God, was my ego inflated, but I mean whose isn't when they sign up to go on a reality tv show? What was I expecting? You long to be liked, that is a natural human instinct/desire. But imagine loving being liked because people reinforce that about you on social media. Ugh, it's honestly so ugly and so superficial. The real battle once your season airs is that of battling yourself.
The post-show was, in my experience, ugly lol but that's because people couldn't/didn't understand a decision I made on the island and I finally got to feel what it was like to experience online "hate". It felt so big at the time, and I can't believe I let it get to me for like a week, but now that I'm so far removed from it...LMAO.
I could write a chapter on what the post-show experience was like, but I don't want to spend so much time talking about what others thought of me. What I want to highlight is the smile in this picture. It is the pride I had in myself after being voted out, after playing this game, and of the overall experience of getting to play Survivor. I'm so blessed to be able to move in and out of that space, I know it can be unhealthy for other folks who hold on to this part of their identity. It is fleeting and it is not my peak. This was just a little side quest in my crazy ass life. God, I've lived an incredible life so far and have met a ton of my heroes and got to do the things I've wanted to do. I'm so lucky to live life and live it with such tenacity and drive. I've always been a go-getter and it's wild to think that I have to remind myself of that sometimes.
Anyway, I'm proud of you. I'm amazed by you. I can't wait to see what the world continues to put in my way/path. I can't wait to see how much more trouble I get into.
I can't say this is just the beginning because I've been on such a beautiful path for so many years, but this is just proof that when I set my mind to it, I get shit done.
I love you, biiiiiiiitch.
P.S. I've been really working on my health and though I'm thin here compared to how I started the game, I'm currently thinner than I was here and with muscle. Craaazzzy because if you know me, that is a big deal lol
In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings... A land in turmoil cried out for a hero. She was Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle. The power... the passion... the danger... Her courage will change the world.
Reading the sporadic updates I would post along the years lol only real big update since then is that I went on Survivor a few years ago. Weirdest and wildest experience.
I'm so curious as to who from my past is still on tumblr. This is a time capsule. Like this shit goes back to high school and early college. I'm a grown ass woman now. Miss you all.
Didn't think it would take me this long, but the time has come. I'm taking a break from all other social media and I know this is a safe space lol I kept this my little safe space.
i love straight people because i’ll be doubting my sexuality then talk to straight people for 2 seconds and get struck by a bolt of queerness so strong it powers me for the rest of the semester. god bless
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